â Â at night i dream of you. Â â
â Â donât give up yet. Â you still have time to fix things. Â â
â Â falling in love with someone else is not a personal attack. Â â
â Â i am still so weak when it comes to you. Â â
â Â i canât believe i let myself let you down. Â â
â Â i donât care where we go when we die, Â as long as iâm with you. Â â
â Â i dream of saying to you all the words i held inside until it was too late. Â â
â  i feel so warm  &  safe when you talk to me.  maybe i could love you if youâd let me.  â
â  i finally let the right people in  &  i have never felt so loved.  â
â Â i like the way your nails paint red stripes along my spine days after youâre gone. Â â
â  i lived in your permafrost for twenty years  &  then you looked at me  &  i felt the warmth of spring.  â
â Â i once wished youâd leave me alone, Â but i take it back. Â â
â  i want to be able to love someone else,  but you stretch your arms  &  spread your legs inside my heart so that there is no room for anyone or anything else.  â
â Â i want to believe that we got it right this time. Â â
â Â i wonder how much longer i can cling to your light before it expires completely. Â â
â Â i would travel across the world to be by your side, Â because as long as you are with me, Â anywhere is a perfect place to me. Â â
â Â it took me awhile to realize it myself, Â but you are not what other people say you are. Â â
â Â itâs not that i really need you, Â but life would be pretty boring without you around. Â thereâs no one i would rather be with. Â â
â Â iâd like to stay like this for awhile. Â â
â  life  &  death donât have to be so boring,  letâs make both an adventure.  â
â Â life imitates art, Â they say. Â i didnât believe it until i started to notice the way your eyelashes look so much like tiny ink stroke. Â â
â Â live your life so that when you die, Â souls will come for miles just to hear your historic tales. Â â
â  make your exes jealous  &  your past self proud.  â
â Â maybe youâre what i needed to find in order to move on. Â â
â Â never get caught falling harder. Â theyâll never let you back up. Â â
â Â please donât go. Â â
â  some days itâs easier to just stop fighting it  &  succumb.  â
â Â sometimes, Â youâll find it hard to keep going, Â but you always will. Â â
â Â the desire i feel for you is that same itching, Â insidious hunger that an addict has for their addiction. Â â
â Â the worst thing about you is that you werenât all bad. Â â
â  there is absolutely nothing  &  no one who can stop me.  â
â Â there is no route of losing you that is without pain. Â â
â  thereâs still room for adventure  &  there is no one iâd rather have by my side.  â
â Â things didnât turn out the way i planned, Â but iâm alright with that. Â â
â Â we could be really incredible together, Â you know? Â â
â  you are beautiful  &  vibrant  &  confident.  you are light  &  laughter incarnate  &  every fiber of your being screams freedom  &  joy.  when i am with you,  i am truly happy.  â
â Â you are starlight incarnate, Â from the grand way you sway your hips to the wide mysterious way you think. Â blessed are any to be loved by you. Â â
â Â you are too afraid of the future to let go of a past that was never kind to you. Â â
â  you call me yours  &  i have no idea what that even means to you.  â
â  you remind me of bubblegum  &  sweets;  soft  &  pink  &  warm.  you are strong in the gentlest way.  you are so stubbornly kind.  i wish i could be like that.  â
â  you still visit me while i sleep sometimes.  your fingers trace my spine  &  i listen to you breathe.  please stop haunting me.  â
â Â âmorbid curiosityâ is a wonderful way to describe how i feel about you. Â â
â  a thousand empty bottles  &  fist fights will never return to us what we lost that day.  â
â Â everyone else has moved on, Â but i am still here. Â â
â Â everything about you screams danger. Â â
â  everything is worthless to you  &  you,  in turn,  became worthless.  â
â Â for once in my life i want to be surrounded by people that i donât feel like i need to impress. Â â
â Â freedom is really hard to get used to. Â â
â Â how could you do this to me? Â how fucking could you? Â â
â  i am becoming everything we always dreamed of  &  i am leaving you behind.  â
â Â i buried you so well that you might as well have died. Â â
â  i can rest easy knowing that the person i love is dead  &  not the monster you became.  â
â Â i canât look at you. Â not now, Â not ever. Â â
â Â i donât ask how youâve been. Â whatâs the point? Â youâd lie anyways. Â â
â Â i dream of hearing the words i so desperately needed to lay your memory to rest. Â â
â Â i haunted this house first. Â there is no room for you here. Â â
â Â i have a right to be upset. Â i loved them too, you know. Â â
â Â i just want it to end. Â i want it to all go away. Â i want to go away. Â â
â Â i may be a wolf in sheepâs clothing, Â but a snake hiding in the skin of a mouse is far more dangerous. Â â
â  i saw your face today  &  didnât feel anything.  i am free.  â
â Â i tried to save you, Â but you didnât want to be saved. Â you just wanted someone to suffer with you. Â â
â Â itâs almost as if you were never here. Â â
â Â itâs unhealthy to do these things, Â you tell me. Â you say itâs time to stop smoking, Â time to stop gambling, Â & Â dammit, Â i f you donât stop drinking itâll kill you. Â i sure hope youâre right, Â darling. Â â
â  iâm always pleasantly surprised by how easy it is to kill you in my mind  â
â Â iâm not really scared to die. Â iâm more afraid that no one will miss me when iâm gone. Â â
â Â iâm not the person you left behind anymore. Â thereâs no one here to miss. Â â
â Â iâve been dead far longer than iâve been alive. Â â
â  iâve eaten nothing but flower petals  &  ivy for weeks because i want to be beautiful inside like you.  â
â Â iâve never been completely satisfied. Â i most likely will still be unsatisfied long after my death. Â â
â Â no motive other than pleasure, Â my dear. Â â
â Â one day iâll go or you will. Â either way, Â it will be as if iâm losing a piece of myself. Â â
â  our dreams  &  promises decay along with you.  â
â Â the leaves change, Â but nothing else does. Â â
â  the only difference between avoiding  &  leaving is that now iâm not waiting up for you.  â
â Â there is no such thing as a person who is required to love you. Â â
â Â thereâs only so much that can be done to repair old damage. Â â
â Â things arenât going as i hoped. Â maybe if i die, Â i can start over again? Â better luck next time. Â â
â Â this is not something to be proud of. Â this is a tragedy. Â â
â Â trying to get rid of me? Â oh honey, Â youâll have to try much harder than that. Â â
â Â trying to get under my skin? Â youâre nothing more than a pesky itch. Â â
â Â unlike you, Â i canât hide my identity when it becomes an inconvenience or a danger. Â â
â  weeping is for gods  &  martyrs,  we cannot afford such luxuries.  â
â Â would you even miss me? Â â
â Â you are not important enough to earn an eternal place in my heart. Â â
â  you complain nonstop about being unloved  &  alone,  i canât imagine what youâd be like if that were actually true.  â
â Â you donât know what itâs like. Â â
â Â you made this so fucking easy for me. Â â
â Â you should see me as a threat. Â i will tear down everything you know until there is nothing left of you. Â i am a walking threat. Â â
â Â you think iâm already gone, Â but iâm still fighting. Â â
â Â you think iâm dead, Â but iâm just dying. Â â
â Â you were never an addiction, Â you were a fucking disease. Â â
â  you wouldnât dare cross me.  i am god  &  you are the soil beneath my feet.  â
â Â your existence takes up so much more space in mine that we might as well be one entity. Â â
â  your fingers are so cold  &  bruised,  but youâre still slamming your fists again the barricade as if it makes a difference.  â
â  your hair is tied in a noose  &  your fingernails are razor blades,  your lips are poison  &  i will gratefully kiss them.  â
â  your hatred has a body count  &  we will not forget.  â
â Â your loss, Â not mine. Â â
â Â youâre a sick fuck. Â you know that? Â â
â  youâre not gentle with me  &  i would never ask you to be.  â
â Â youâve trapped yourself so thoroughly in your own mind that itâs not even a rut anymore, Â itâs a pit. Â â