wanderlost.

new Syd album

the very end of the night when i'm supposed to be heading to bed.

after i've showered, eaten girl dinner, and scrolled social media until i'm lightly nauseated.

this is the part where i start thinking about you.

on a night like this we'd be watching a movie or a tv show on my couch. my legs would be in your lap and you would be rubbing my feet. and soon enough you might slip a toe or two in your mouth, until eventually all of them are wet.

on a night like this you'd be spending the night. and after you take your shower you would brush your teeth and claim tiredness. we would get in bed and entangle our bodies and legs as if there were no other heat sources.

it's hard to walk around in a t-shirt and not wish you were here to rub my booty.

it's hard to get in bed and wedge a squishmallow in between myself and your side of the bed, and convince myself that its a decent substitute for a warm body.

it's hard to not walk around my own damn apartment and be reminded of you, simply because we shared this space so often.

and it's hard to remind myself that letting this go was the best decision.

because i miss you.

i miss the way you picked me up and held me. the way you lifted me and moved me so easily. the way your hands wandered all over my body and i felt enveloped whenever we were close. the way you always wanted to kiss me or taste me.

but love and intimacy were just not enough. and they didn't mean the same things for you and i.

i still worry and wonder about you. i still mourn the future of memories we planned to make. and i still want you to be happy - more than i've ever wanted for anyone else. because i still believe you deserve it.