this is my corner of the internet, hopefully

It's June 18th, so Juneteenth eve! I have lost some amount of weight despite that stint of nothing but 7/11. It's strange but though I've lost weight, I feel more out of shape than ever. It's like I'm more in tune with where my body really is.

That's honestly the worst feeling, the increase in insecurity. I wish I could not feel this way and I think it's exacerbated by my increased stress at work. I feel like no one in my title is working as hard as me, I'm covering the front desk despite not holding the title and I asked a guy coworker for help with the charts which was very hard to do, because I feel like him and the others don't like doing any extra work but I just got here.

I can see why my previous coworker felt lonely. No one told me that there was free ice cream but they were able to text me to ask to cover the front desk and they have been here longer. I was gonna come in earlier but actually I think I'm gonna come in at my scheduled time of 7:30. If they ask, I'm gonna say my scheduled time is 7:30 and it's very difficult to get here at 7:00.

We're halfway through June and I have lost two centimeters off my waist and 4 pounds. I know that the majority of weight I lost was actually water weight but I'm still happy to see the scale do down. For me, it's not about the number being lower but about the fact that the changes I made to my diet are actually having an impact.

I have been essentially gaining and losing the same 5 pounds since I was 21. Part of me is still unenthusiastic about a "fat loss journey", the lack of actually achieving my goals for my body composition have made me pessimistic. It all feels like boring chores. The only reason why I continue to do it is because it makes my body feel good. Like who would have thought, eating whole foods and drinking more water than soda makes you less bloated lmao.

Oh well, I haven't had much to say because it's all pretty boring and routine now. That was the goal but I will still push myself to keep blogging about it.

I'm nervous about work today. My manager is coming back from bereavement and I had spoken to HR about a coworker. I think it was more of a falling out than anything that HR needs to do much about but I also didn't want to be in a fast intense friendship with my coworker in the first place.

Reasons not to spend all your money

(will it look better on my blog if i write in lowercase?)

I made myself breakfast and tried my best to finish a workout. I hate the feeling of lactic acid building up but that's avoidance is how I became a weak bitch. I am fighting the urge to go to work early. I need to remind myself that no one is expecting me to do that and so I shouldn't put that on myself and end up resentful.

When I started, I was carrying about 2 pounds of water weight. I think I'm seeing my true starting weight: 132.5. That makes a lot of sense, I'm 5 feet so that's on the upper range of the healthy bmi or lower range of overweight bmi. It is for this reason that working out is so important. I want to be leaner, not "skinny". Skinny isn't gonna really help my body composition.