Over It.

At 22, I guess my mantra is the only way out is through it. Much different than when I was 17, just thinking, no dreaming about escape. I know now there is no escape. There is only keep going. It’s a tough to realize.

Well my sister is spiraling again. Last night I had to stop by her house to make sure she didn’t hurt herself. She stopped talking to me about 5/6 months ago? Can I just say, there is absolutely no way to prepare yourself for a situation like that. It was straight out of a nightmare. I was worried she hurt herself or she was gonna just outright attack me. Man, family is tough. I don’t know how to balance this forever.

Seeing old friends of mine going out and partying is somehow so embarrassing to me? Like we’re in the middle of a ducking pandemic? What the fuck are you doing?

I’m just struggling today. I wish I didn’t have to work. I’m pretty afraid I won’t be able to “turn it on” for my tables.

It’s hard to be optimistic when the air is filled with this much smoke. I feel like all I can pull in is negative energy. It’s reaaaal brutal.

Yo if you’re at someone’s place, maybe get off your phone like sometimes? I’m pretty sure you could watch Tik tons and memes at home by yourself. It’s literally no fun for anyone you’re around. Okay well it’s certainly not fun for me. I put on pants for you to come over and sit on your phone? No thanks.

I train as bartender tonight and I am very excited. Okay well like also pretty nervous. But I know I can do it. Sure, it’s a Friday night. But I am totally capable and I can’t wait to show management and my coworkers that I am. I have full confidence that tonight will go well, I know this is something I can do.

I’m having the worst nightmares tonight. Jam packed with scary ass things but like not like monsters. But like losing my job and then like also being held captive but for my own safety? But like those people are being murdered? And then right before I woke up I heard zombies? But like even though the apocalypse was happening the real world still existed because I was so worried about losing my job? Fuckin yikes man. It’s 6:30 am and I will definitely not be able to go back to sleep.

So today I told one of my managers once again that I wasn’t comfortable with them seating people without masks (I’m in Washington where there is a mandatory mask order). This time I wasn’t met with “oh they said they had a medical condition” which we still have to turn away legally (we WILL be shutdown if reported). Instead I got “it’s up to management’s discretion,” which is much more frustrating. Ive got to find a new job if I can. But to anyone who thinks people in the service industry have the choice in their tables or have the ability to protect themselves from coming into contact with the virus, we don’t. They don’t even ask if I’m comfortable with it. And when someone at work tested positive they told NO ONE. This is my reality in the pandemic. Ooo I love it.

Someone just hit my parked car while I was sitting in it so I got out and they saw me and sped away. Can I just say, what a perfect fucking metaphor for my life right now. I’m just living and someone lashes out and I’m like wait what the fuck? And they just cut me out. It’s very fucking wild.

I wore a bikini and didn’t feel like shit about myself for the first time today! In fact I feel good about myself instead. So that’s cool!?