You Suck at Cooking starters: episodes 1-5
Episode 1 “You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck.” “They come in a jar. They taste fucking delicious.” “Salt and pepper. That’s it. Nothing else. No garlic, no bullshit.” “Choppity fuckin’ chop.” “Throw this shit in the bowl.” “Take three of these mother fuckers.” “Slice. Slice. Slice.” “Chopping was invented in the 40′s. Before that people just smashed shit against the wall.” “Wash your fuckin’ hands, God, don’t be gross.” “Then they’re hard to get off- you have to bang them… ‘gainst something… Fuck.” “Don’t… Cut your fuckin’ fingers.” “Scoop this shit out.” “This is science here.” “If you don’t like avocado you’re a fuckin’ tool.” “Don’t fuckin’ hide… From me.” “Take your lime… Put in three of these. Why? Math, that’s why.” “Fuckin’… Here, lemme show you some math, kay?” “You got one avocado… Put one and one– doesn’t matter.” “You should probably practice your grip strength at the gym.” “I have a bag of salt here.” “I just kind of visualize how many sprinkles I want per cubic centimeter type deal.” “Pepper, pepper, pepper.” “If you don’t like pepper you’re a fuckin’ tool.” “You can mash it a bit, but you want it to be a little chunky.” “Now, I swear to fuckin’ God, you bring this to a party this holiday season, or any other time of the season, or any other season, or any other fuckin’ planet, people’s crotches will explode it’s so good.” *takes a bite* “Oh my GOOOODDDDDDDDDD.” “You suck at cooking you should probably give up.” “You suck at cooking, oh my God.”
Episode 2 “You suck at cooking and you suck at life.” “Take a can of tuna; use magic to open it.” “Don’t… Worry about what’s on my arm, I just got a girl’s number last night… Better scratch that off…” “Tuna goes in the bowl. Fork goes in the tuna. Bowl goes on the table.” “Surprise, put this shit in the bowl.” “Here’s a real surprise: cranberries.” “The cool thing about cranberries, and a knife like this… If you chop at a certain angle…” *thump* “Gives it a good base sound.” *thump* *to a rap beat* “Don’t chop, too hard, or you’ll knife’ll lose-it’s-edge.” “Anyway that just… Wastes time now, so uh…” “Guess what. Surprise, this shit goes in the bowl too.” “It’s important not to forget to take a piece of the tuna and give it to your cat.” “Alright, we’re almost there, guys.” “Take some olive oil- this is special olive oil from Italy, you don’t need it, just get some shitty olive oil.” “Okay, so… Seems like it’s done.” “Put it on some fuckin’ bread, put it in your fuckin’ mouth, put it on a salad, put it wherever you want. Just eat it, it’s good. It’s really good like that.” “You suck at a lot of things, but you suck at cooking the most.”
Episode 3 “I was talking to __ this morning and uh… __ Died… I wanna say… Nineteen years ago now?” “You suck at cooking and you suck at not dying.” “I learned this from my friend __, before he had a baby and ruined our friendship.” “Looks like a friggin’ crime scene.” “Looks like these kidney beans are gonna DIE.” “Get all the bullshit out.” “The amount of flavor that comes out of these little mother fuckers is…” “Woah… Looks like a potato bud, doesn’t it? Gross…” “C'mon guys, focus here.” *drops hot toast* “OW- fuck that hurts!” *picks it back up* OW-fuck… *drops it again* “And you can just… Get it on really easily, if you just use the power of temperature.” “You wanna clean that off after… Like that… Don’t be a dick.” “Hey, who doesn’t want a little more butter?” “This could… look like shit to you, but honest to God, this is so fucking delicious.” “You suck at cooking and you’re never coming back.”
Episode 4 “Delicious bread.” “We’re going to use coconut oil on the bread instead of butter, because it’s delicious and awesome and it tastes good.” “Use your magnetisphereiscope to open the jar.” “Good job everybody.” “Time to go old school, bitches.” “If anyone judges you, tell them to go fuck themselves.” “We are aiming for homogeny here. Homogeny is a beautiful thing.” “If only I had the capacity to understand what beauty is.” “Now that’s looking great.” “Ah fuck- that’s the wrong side.” “Cocksucker!” “Alright we’re ready to cook.” “Ah fuck, I forgot the pesto.” “Spread that shit around real good.” “That crispy sound means that there is a kinetic energy increase to the molecules of the bread and a chemical reaction starts to take place that results in the bread tasting delicious.” “If you want to be a really fancy mother fucker put some more cheese on top, which will cook in, creating a layer of crispy, cheesy deliciousness.” “Sometimes you want to go on a lower temperature… Actually that temperature is just fine.” “Take a little peek… Jesus Christ that looks good.” “I wish I had a mouth.” “I think it’s time to flip this bitch over.” “Oh shit. We’re all gonna die.” “Ouch, my hands. Ouch, that hurts.” “Let’s get this bastard out.” “Now you want to turn off… Actually just leave the stove on until the next time you cook.” “Man, I really wish I could taste this. This is actually very frustrating for me.”
Episode 5 “You suck at cooking blah blah blah blah blah blah.” “I thought of throwing those but that would’ve been a waste.” “Then what would we do? Nothing. We’d have no sandwich.” “One thing you really should consider is letting your eggs say goodbye to each other.” “Hey __…” “So I guess this is it, hey?” “Yeah __, end of the line.” “That night… We…” “I don’t wanna talk about it.” “Let’s just let it lie.” “Heylubaubaba.” “That was one of the best nights of my God damn life.” “That’s all I wanted to hear, man. I’m not afraid anymore.” “It was like magic. Like mind-freak.” “Eeehhhhhh… I dunno if I’d say magic, but…” “You showed me something about myself.” “Uhhh okay, you’re getting a little intense for me.” “Don’t… Shut… Me… Out…” “They say it hurts less if you hold your breath.” “Woah. Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh… Kay. So.” “Alright, let’s drink some wine for breakfast.” “OH FUCK- fuck- ah fuck toast is burning- fuck. Shit. Fucking fuck- uhh-” “My head is so far up my ass today.” “Drink some wine.” “Let’s not burn the toast again… Great! We got perfect toast this time.” “Make sure they’re aligned with north and south poles for optimum chi.” “Lay these out… However you like.” “Just throw some slices on… Like you don’t even give a care…” “I need to be… Way more drunk.” “__, come have a bite of this and tell me what ya think.” “Holy shit. S'good.” “You suck a cooking and you suck at toast.”
