its $5 to say stupid stuff to me

i guess im just describing an affinity group here. but because of my social maladjustment compounding on the alienation inherent to every day life, i dont really have any idea how to put myself out there to even begin to make the necessary connections. in the first place i feel very other in most spaces i end up inhabiting, and it barely even feels safe to speak about more socially acceptable topics let alone my burgeoning radical politics. i can imagine places where i might find likeminded people, but in reality i dont know how to access them, and if i do i dont feel comfortable exposing myself to vulnerability in groups of strangers. i know i can overcome this with more discipline, a stronger sense of responsibility, and sufficient effort, but its difficult to know where to even start.

i dont want to turn to the big tent organizations. id like something intimate and localized, to begin organizing with the people who live around me and understand more deeply the problems that we're all facing. but my neighborhood is mostly spanish speaking, and i have persistent insecurities surrounding my blackness which make me hesitate to reach out even in the community i grew up alongside. all this is to say that i truly feel lost and untethered. i dont have any outlet for the energy which builds inside me the more entrenched i become in the capitalist system. as i grow older, everything continues to cement for me under one thought; that i cant go on like ive been told i must. if i try to, itll kill me.