the main takeout is that

1) for a while ive felt conflicted about how nostalgic i get about my first job and how fondly i remember it even though in the moment i was miserable, but now i realized that im not gaslighting myself and it wasn't in fact all that bad, because the actually shitty period was my previous job about which i haven't and never will feel anything remotely good ever

2) i realized that a while back, but i actually take a really long time to get used to things and find my way around, and my memories of that are either weird or fragmented, for example the whole first year of uni has felt like a big fever dream in the moment and still does now, and i remember very little. so called asd i guess

anyway here's some of the gems that came out of this fuck ass dialogue:

- "you could just do this when you know that im sad" "i didn't know you were sad" "you think one can just tell all about their insecurities and feel happy" "i dunno"

- "would you have told me not to be offended if someone had called me names?" "it depends"

- "think before you speak i dont want to be the only person who does that" "just dont then if you dont wanna"

- "this is an example where i say this and you answer that and i think whatever" "well you never said this and i never answered that and your thinking doesn't define you" "this is an example, an imaginary situation to explain my thought process, i made it up" "i didn't know that"

- "i want you to want to say something nice to me without me having to remind you to, cause i already told you i like it" "well im generally nice to you" "you know thats not what im talking about" "but still keep that in mind"

- "i want you to say something nice to me instead of brainstorming whatever shit that comes out of my mouth" "if you want to hear that stuff you should say it first. anyway i cant do that and you know it. cause it feels fake and surface level when i just say nice things, stop trying to change me. nobody talks like that anyway" "i want to hear something like that because im never complimented and i rarely hear something nice about me" "well its not like im getting 100 compliments a day either"

- "i feel like i should have never brought up that whatever you're offering is not what i want cause i look ungrateful and like im playing the victim" "(this is half an hour later when we're discussing another thing) well what if we'd like to hear something good and nice as well and not that we are so bad and that we bully you" "yeah that pretty much sums up what i already said" "how? actually no nevermind that, i made it up a second ago, i wasn't being serious"

- "i didnt ask for anything because i felt that it was pointless. now i did and ideed it was" "i dont understand why you're so upset" "do you think you mean nothing to me?" "no" "then why are you surprised that im upset that you don't want to accommodate me" "stop trying to change me"

- "(multiple lengthy explanations)" "well i didn't understand any of that. its a communication issue"

- "i dont expect anything" "that's a terrible mindset" "(later, discussing another thing) was i not communicating when i said that i don't like it and i want you to do something different" "but you said you didn't expect anything, but now all of the sudden you do"

if i said it was my boyfriend or my parent id get a million "dump him" or "no contact" comments.

maybe next year will be better, i hope so at least

oh my god im so sorry i log in so rarely these days that i legitimately only saw this right now. embarrassing.

anyway, either on monday or tuesday i saw a tiktok with a quote from a book about cptsd (not the one you're thinking about but i started reading it as well), and the thing that was described in the quote felt familiar to an uncanny degree so i gobbled the book in one sitting. and now i can make a joke: tiktok gave me autism, autism gave me cptsd.

but on a more serious note though i guess the same thing happened - i was misunderstanding what exactly people meant when they described their experience so i never thought it could apply to me as well.

i think i get sentimental far easier than i like to admit.

on wednesday (?) i watched a video about it and spiraled into thinking about it all the time, and what it got me to is that im currently working on digitalizing my diaries. which also includes writing transcripts of something like 30 voice recorder files with length varying between 5 and 80 minutes.

so i spent two and a half days typing the entries from a small notebook (thats half empty btw) and it kinda was tiring cause even though it was me who wrote it i still struggle to understand the text sometimes. but now that its done im gonna have to type everything from my current diary, and its a bigger format and has three times more pages. so realistically speaking im probably gonna give up.

the point of this is basically to make it easier for me to reread them cause i do it pretty often. and sometimes i do it for research purposes, like when i wanted to know whether i have asd or not, or recently i wanted to find entries with mentions of this roman empire of mine, and this shit really feels like looking for a needle in the hay.

this new person ive met invited me to their discord server, where i chat with them in the vc somewhat frequently, and sometimes other people are present too, and i even got into trying valorant with their friends and my bestie (eventually i bailed out cause i didn't like the game), and now they are streaming their bg3 run to me.

anyway, the layer of context to all this is that this exact kind of activity is what i was craving for during my teens. i used to have this insanely romanticized fantasy of being in a friend group and maybe occasionally being the life of the party. ideally i wanted this irl so when i enrolled in my uni i really thought that im starting a new life and im not gonna be the quieter kid that i was in school. but not much had changed, so my self esteem was plummeting and i hated myself, and it became a cycle. i didn't know what to say, got embarrassed that im so inept, started overthinking it, didn't say anything again cause i got too anxious, rinse and repeat.

and now i know that whatever i was imagining doesn't even fit me the way i thought it would. i think it made me feel free cause i finally stopped giving a shit about a really huge insecurity. and what do you know when you let go and stop overthinking words actually come out of your mouth and you suddenly have something to say. and if you don't it's not a bad thing either, but for whatever reason i believed that it is.

and on top of that i didn't even realize that i would be too overwhelmed to be a social butterfly. when i was a kid i often declined going out to play with my school friends or neighbors cause i wanted more alone time, and then i suddenly decided that i dont need as much anymore? delusional. tbh these days i might sometimes feel drained after 2.5 hours of chatting out of my 16 hours being awake and feel the need to spend the rest of the day alone