incandescent revenant

I’d truly kill myself if it meant I could hold you one more time.

I hate to say it… I’m numb. I want to forget. All that love I gave out… It was for nothing! What the hell else is there if there is no point to love. I gave everything I had. I even became avoidant and stepped on eggshells to accommodate… Bc I couldn’t bring myself to have a conversation about it without it turning into an argument… without pushing you away… What was the point… I can’t see anyone else the same way. Not after that.

Losing family over and over again… it’s tiring. I don’t want to trust people anymore.

Just when you think you reached the end… only for it to become an even deeper abyss than you imagined. There is no limit.

GRIEF is all I carry… I’m tired I’m so tired I’m so very tired… I scream wait in my dreams…

what’s beyond this life? Will I see my loved ones there? Will there only be nothing? Are the texts even real? Is there something beyond? are the elders only interested in playing pretend? do they not know themselves? no the only difference with that is, they’ve more experience of what is and can be. They know their time is coming and therefore most heal their relationships with their family. Spend as much time with them as possible. Care for them. Listen to them. Love them. Keeps them feeling young. Legacy. But what about you? The self will dissolve? The soul will no longer be in its container. All I know is I’ve caused suffering. All I know is I’m sorry. All I want is for everyone to be happy and safe. All I want is death. I don’t want to experience living in this living hell.

I truly can’t wait to see what my death looks like.