i write shit here sometimes

‘TommmMMMMMYYYY!’

His voice echoes in the empty street, gruff with irritation. He can feel eyes on him - he always does, wherever he goes in this damn place - covert stares from behind curtains, peeking out of windows from the neighbouring houses.

The polished wood thumps hollowly under his fist. Head bowed in surrender, his forehead makes contact with the surface of the door with a dull thud.

‘Fuck,’ he mutters under his breath.

Trudging back to the house that’s been allocated to him - he still struggles to think of it as his - he slams the door shut behind him so hard that the sound rings in his ears. Well, more in his left than his right.

Tossing the keys onto a chest of drawers in the hallway, he yells in a last-ditch attempt, ‘Ellieeee!’

The house is silent.

The one time he needs either of them, neither can be found anywhere. Even Maria has made herself scarce - not that he’d ask her for help for this.

This being these stupid fucking jeans. 

His trusty jeans that he’s worn for years, other than on laundry days, which were few and far in between. They’ve literally seen him through thick and thin - the knees are so worn he can almost see the web of white thread beneath the denim.

Tess had gotten him these jeans. Stole them, if he remembers correctly. Once upon a time, he needed a belt to hold them up, or they’d hang down to his ass crack. By the time Ellie came into the picture, they fit well enough to render the belt redundant. He could still easily fit things into his pockets though, like a map or a switchblade.

But now - 

Now he’s stuck, and he can’t get them off.

If he’s being honest with himself, the jeans haven’t fit for months. The jobs in Jackson don’t come anywhere close to the backbreaking work in the QZ or being on the road with Ellie. The food is plentiful even during the harsh winter, and as much as he looks down his ideological nose at it, Maria deserves credit for the thriving commune.

He had a late start this morning. Ellie had already vacated the house by the time he came to. He was on autopilot, distracted by his thoughts about the porch steps that have rotted and need to be replaced. 

He was making plans in his head to nip down to the workshop to get the wooden planks when he started getting dressed. Stepping into the legs of the jeans, he pulled them up, hopping to stretch them over his thighs. Out of habit, he sucked in his belly to button them up, the waistband seemingly even tighter than usual. 

He relegated that to the back of his mind, the same way he’s ignored the fact that the jeans have been uncomfortably tight for months - to the point of hindering his movement when he lays bricks, or cuts off his breathing when he sits down. But he’s gotten used to it, like he does everything else. He’s Joel Miller with the stiff upper lip, after all.

The zipper was next. As usual, he met resistance about halfway up. Baring his teeth, he gripped the tongue of the zipper and yanked upwards. 

Except this time, it didn’t budge. Grumbling, he pulled harder, feeling the burn in his biceps -

It happened so quickly that he wasn’t even aware until he was wheeling backwards from the force, his arm flying up in an arc - and a metallic clink behind him registered faintly in his good ear. 

Disoriented, he glanced down at the zipper. The slider had come clean off.

‘Fuck,’ he swore and turned to the full-length mirror on the wall to inspect the damage. Running an experimental finger along the seam, it was clear that the zipper had somehow snagged on the denim. It was stuck. Dead stuck.

Turning the house inside out, he couldn’t find a single pair of scissors, and there isn’t enough space to fit a knife in without slicing himself open, at which point he left on his ultimately fruitless search for reinforcement.

Joel scrubs a tired hand down his face. He’s never been a vain guy - Tommy is that sibling. But he’s never needed to stress about his looks either, with contracting keeping him in shape before the outbreak, and the fight for survival after - until now.

Grabbing his jacket, he shrugs it on, hyper-conscious of whether it’s a tighter squeeze than usual (fortunately not) - and heads into town.

Main Street Outfitters, the only clothing store in Jackson, sits in the middle of the high street, sandwiched between the pub on one side and the welder’s on the other. For the most part, residents come in to trade in old clothes for new ones, but there’s also a nicer selection for the occasional party that one can barter for.

You’re in the workshop at the back, the afternoon sun filling the room through the skylight. 

With your skill in thread and needle, you were the obvious candidate for the job when you arrived in Jackson. Over the years, it has become your sanctuary. The walls are lined with wooden shelves, where neat - though mismatched - boxes of buttons, trimmings, thread and trinkets slot perfectly into place.

You spend the days checking over incoming clothes after they come back from the laundry, making sure they are in reasonable condition and mending those that are not. The shop also charges for adjustments and repairs, and the tasks easily fill your working hours.

It’s a Tuesday, and it’s usually quiet this time of the afternoon. If you’re lucky, you can be undisturbed until you clock off at five - which is why you’re surprised when you hear the tinkle of the doorbell.

The footfall is heavy, it sounds like a strong work boot. You hold your breath and your fingers hover mid-air as the door shuts with a slam. You hear the customer clear his throat - definitely a man - as you wait in vain for the front of house to greet him.

But of course Lucy has sneaked out again. She’s a sweet girl, but manning the counter has always been too dull for her.

‘Hello?’

The voice is deep and gravelly, and despite your reluctance, it doesn’t sit well with your work ethic to keep a customer waiting. Sticking the needle into a pin cushion, you noiselessly rise from your seat and make your way to the front of the shop.

Your first glimpse of him is his back. Standing in front of a rack of jeans, the grays in his hair catch the light streaming through the shop front windows. You study him for a minute, curious eyes running over the width of broad shoulders under a beat-up, khaki jacket. Lower, his jeans are… well-worn, to put it kindly. And from sight, a sitting a bit tight on his hips -

You must have shifted your feet without you noticing. At the minutest creak of wood, the man whips around, one hand reaching behind him in search of the butt of a loaded gun or the hilt of a knife. It’s your good fortune that you see neither on him. The intensity of his gaze is just as effective as a blade on your neck to pin you to your spot.

There’s no question that he’s a newcomer. You’ve seen the same kind of intensity in everyone who’s braved what’s out there to get here.

But even if that didn’t give him away, you already know who he is. He’s Tommy’s brother. Joel, if you remember correctly. Maria approached you for some clothes a few months back when he arrived with his kid for the second time. They’ve been the talk of town since - not that you listen. In fact, you try not to, but you can’t help it if someone talks loudly enough at the next table in the canteen to interrupt your lunchtime reading.

‘Sorry,’ he mumbles as the tension in his body recedes. ‘You’re very quiet.’

You duck your head. ‘Sorry.’

‘You work here?’

Wringing your fingers nervously, you nod and take two timid steps towards him, hoping he doesn’t hear the tremour in your voice. ‘How can I help?’

You’ve heard things about Joel Miller. The words most frequently whispered as he ambles by in town include ruthless, cold-blooded and steer clear.

You can’t exactly reconcile the man in front of you with those particular words right now.

There’s nothing that speaks to ruthlessness in the way he averts his eyes and shuffles his feet, the blunt tip of his shoes catching the wooden floor. You also find it hard to believe that a truly cold-blooded person would willingly cross the country and all its horrors in search of his brother, or take a teenager under his wing.

You might not think much of yourself, but you know that your judgement of character has kept you alive so far. And your instinct isn’t telling you to steer clear of this man - quite the opposite, in fact.

But that’s neither here nor there.

He rubs the back of his neck, uncomfortable with your scrutiny. ‘Just lookin’ for some new jeans.’

‘Alright,’ you reply, taking the remaining five steps to the other end of the jeans rack, a safe distance away from him. ‘What’s your size?’

To your surprise, he huffs a sardonic laugh. ‘At least one up from whatever I have on right now.’

Sucking in a breath, you gesture vaguely at him. ‘Um, do you mind if I take a look at uh - you? So I can guess what size will fit you?’

You’re used to being the most awkward person in the room wherever you go, but this man is  giving you a pretty good run for your money right now. While you divert your gaze as he unbuttons the front of his jacket, he fixes his somewhere over your shoulder to the right, grinding his teeth, as if he wishes he was anywhere but here.

Dragging your eyes back to him, you take stock of your customer as he sweeps the lapels of the jacket to the side. Underneath, the green flannel cuts off at the top of the jeans, and you see the soft pouch of his abdomen beneath the fabric. While the shirt is well-fitted, the jeans are obviously too small. The waistband bites into his sides, you can see the subtle overhang of his love handles. Even by the way he’s standing you can tell he’s uncomfortable, packed in way too tight in the denim.

And then… you really shouldn’t, but stare at the front of the jeans. Now, you know for a fact that the fit will be just as snug there even if he goes a size up…

‘Sorry, not much to look at,’ he grunts, breaking the silence.

Taken aback by the self-derision in his voice, the words leave your mouth before they register, sharper than you mean them to be. ‘Don’t say that.’

He blinks at you. ‘What?’

You gape at him. Does he really not see? His tall, solid frame? The strong columns of his thighs? Is this man blind on top of being frustratingly attractive -?

But of course you can never say that. Instead, you pull out three different pairs of jeans in quick succession and all but throw them at him, heat prickling the tips of your ears as the disbelief that you spoke to a customer like that sinks in.

‘The dressing room is there,’ you squeak, pointing at the far corner. ‘I’ll be at the back if you need any help -’

You turn on your heels, in a hurry to get back to your workshop, but you only get halfway through the spin. It takes you three seconds to realise why - his calloused palm is on your wrist, holding you in place.

‘Actually, I do need help - I broke the zipper, and I’m stuck in these damn jeans.’

You ignore the clench of your stomach at the way he spits out the word damn. You’re not big on swearing, but the cuss word sounds good rolling off his tongue in his Southern twang.

To your horror, a giggle bubbles up your throat before you can slap a palm over your mouth.

‘I’m so, so sorry,’ you apologise profusely, heat flooding your cheeks. 

You stare in consternation when those broad shoulders of his quake, a half-smile on his lips as they part in a scratchy chuckle. ‘Trust me, I’m glad I found you first. My brother or my kid would have given me a much harder time. Probably would’ve pissed their pants laughin’.’

Despite yourself, you smile back with a weak attempt at a joke. ‘I mean, I’ll try not to -’

He smirks, the corners of his eyes crinkling. ‘That’s all I can ask for.’

You lead the way to the back of the shop and Joel follows three polite steps behind, pausing by the doorway. Running practised eyes over the space, the contractor in him appreciates the well-built skylight and the sturdy furniture in the room, pieces that were clearly built to last. He places the jeans you picked out for him on the big work table, made of strong timber and aged with time. 

He picked up a change in your demeanour the moment you crossed the threshold into the workshop. There’s a quiet confidence in your measured steps, the way you move speaking volumes - this is clearly your place, and you’re so much more comfortable in your skin here.

You point at the spot marked by a round, cosy rug directly beneath the skylight. ‘Could you stand there for me?’

Doing as he’s told, he startles when you march straight up to him, sliding your palms under the shoulders of his jacket to push it off. Your front brushes his chest briefly when you reach around to catch it, but not brief enough for him to ignore the soft swell of your breasts pressed up against him.

Joel is all too aware of his pulse going from zero to a hundred at the fleeting touch, the collar of his shirt suddenly a bit too tight. For fuck’s sake, Miller. It’s been an embarrassingly long time since his head has gone anywhere near there, but of course it has to happen at the most inconvenient moment.

At least you don’t seem to notice, draping his jacket over the back of a chair before retrieving a pair of tailor’s scissors from one meticulously organised drawer.

Just when he thinks he’s gotten a handle on himself, you hit him with a non-sequitur. ‘Are you wearing underwear?’

Only when Joel splutters wordlessly does the full weight of the question seem to hit you. You stutter, ‘Oh god, I didn’t - I mean - I only asked because if push comes to shove, and I have to cut through the jeans, I don’t want to ruin any underwear you’re wearing -’

You trail off, and it’s his turn to stammer, scratching an invisible itch on his elbow as he struggles to remember what he usually does with his hands.

‘No, no, I get it. I’m ahem -,’ he pauses with a cough. ‘I’m not actually wearin’ any underwear right now. Not out of habit, it’s just that I’ve been barely squeezin’ into the stupid jeans even without it.’

His honest answer seems to put you at ease, and you purse your lips. ‘Sounds uncomfortable.’

He shrugs. ‘Have been for months.’

‘I’m sorry.’

He arches an eyebrow. ‘What for?’

‘That you’ve been uncomfortable. That’s one thing clothes shouldn’t be.’

Not quite knowing how to answer you, he watches you grab a velvet cushioned footstool from under the work table and place it squarely at his feet. Then, without further preamble, you sink onto your knees in front of him, knocking the air clean out of his lungs.

As he stares down at the crown of your head, your nose at the level of his waistband, he muses that he hasn’t seen this view for a long time, a very long time. His fingers twitch at his sides, and he closes his eyes, fighting the base instinct to cup the back of your head in his palm and to pull you close -

He breathes out hard through his nostrils and clenches his jaw, casting his gaze heavenwards through the skylight as he actually prays for the first time in years.

Don’t you fucking dare get hard, Miller.

You chew on the inside of your mouth as you consider what’s before you. It’s tricky. The jeans are unbuttoned and zipped up most of the way, but the denim has been caught tight in the metallic teeth, and the handle of the zipper yanked clean off.

Cocking your head to one side, you think out loud. ‘I think we should at least try and unsnag the zipper before cutting. But we’re going to need some lubrication, and we’ll need to give it a really good, firm tug -’

The man chokes on nothing above you, and you frown up at him in a question.

Clearing his throat loudly, he asks through gritted teeth, ‘Do we have to?’

‘I mean, I can just cut open the jeans, but then you’ll definitely have to trade in something extra to cover the costs of the repairs -’

He interrupts, ‘That. Let’s do that.’

‘Alright, your call,’ you say with a nod. ‘Can you hold up your shirt?’

You try not to gawk when he draws up the tails of his flannel, revealing his soft stomach underneath. The mid-rise jeans cut off beneath his belly button, and you eye the trail that sneaks full and dark under the waistband. He’s obviously sucking his tummy in, and you catch yourself wishing he doesn’t feel like he has to.

You bite your bottom lip. ‘Do you think you can fit a couple of fingers into the waistband so I can slide the scissors in? They’re sharp, I don’t want to cut you.’

You watch as he tries, first his index finger, then his middle, but he can barely squeeze in beyond the nail, which turns completely colourless from the pressure. He sighs in surrender. ‘Mfraid you’ll have to, sweetheart.’

You have to close your eyes for a moment, your head swimming. You’re not sure whether it’s from the sweetheart, or the fact that he wants you to stick your hand down the front of his pants. 

Well, not exactly that he wants you to. And not your hand. But still.

You squeak. ‘Do I have to?’

He pins you a sarcastic arch of his eyebrows. ‘Well, if you’re sure that you won’t cut my dick off -’

You flush at his blunt words, falling back onto your haunches. ‘Great, now you’ve got me worried -’

Palms in apology, he shrugs. ‘Sorry -’

‘No, no, you’re right. I don’t want to accidentally castrate you,’ you sigh. ‘Are you - um - well adjusted in there?’

‘I’d go down the right side of the zipper,’ he answers diplomatically.

Taking a deep breath, you ask, ‘Ready?’

‘Whenever you are, sweetheart.’

The first contact is the brush of your knuckles against his stomach, the skin warm and soft on the back of your fingers. You don’t dare look up, but you can feel his eyes on you as you burrow your index finger under the waistband. It’s a squeeze, but you manage to wriggle in nail side down, creating a small gap, but not enough to get the scissors in without nicking him.

Talking more to yourself, you mumble, ‘Better safe than sorry. Let me just get one more finger in -’

Joel chokes so hard that you almost jump back in fright, frowning at him as he catches his breath. ‘Are you okay? Do you need some water?’

His voice tight, he shakes his head. ‘No, I’m fine.’

You wait a beat to make sure he doesn’t go into another coughing fit. When the coast is clear, you gesture at his jeans. ‘Can I just -’ 

‘Get one more finger in?’ he finishes your sentence in his raspy baritone. 

You finally hear it when he says it like that. And oh god, your ears burn as you stare up at him, lips parted, torn between outrage and a very disorienting arousal. ‘You - you -’

A wicked smirk tugs unexpectedly at the corner of his mouth. ‘I already tried, sweetheart. My fingers are too big to fit inside.’

The touch of playful condescension in his tone has your jaw going slack, and your brain practically short-circuits at the thoughts of where else they are too big to fit inside of -

So as it turns out, you’re brave, or just downright stupid, when you’re turned on. Next thing you know, you hear yourself telling him off. ‘I could just leave you in those jeans you know.’

Joel smiles wider, and retorts, ‘I don’t think you would.’

‘Just because I’m shy doesn’t mean I don’t have a mean streak,’ you shoot back.

He seems pleased to have lured you out of your shell, grinning down at you. ‘Believe me, I’m shakin’ in my boots, sweetheart.’

It’s really unfair that he looks this good from where you are on your knees. His eyes are hooded, curls flecked with grays sweeping his forehead. Even though the apocalypse has left its marks on him in wrinkles, frown lines, and smudged bags under his eyes, it has clearly not taken away from that proud nose or plush lips -

Steadying yourself with a deep inhale, you shake yourself out of it. With an in, it’s slightly easier to push in your middle finger into the waistband to widen the gap. Happy with the quarter inch of space, you hold up the scissors. ‘I’m ready to cut if you are.’

He nods his acquiesce. ‘Do your worst.’

Opening up the scissors and carefully fitting the blade beneath the denim, you carefully begin snipping away. They are sharp, but the fabric is tough and you’re conscious of the very tight fit, so you take it slow.

You pause when you’re a couple of inches in, when Joel lets out a groan of relief. Absent-mindedly, you run a soothing thumb over the angry, red indents the waistband dug into the soft pouch of his tummy, sending a shudder through him. 

‘Sorry,’ you squeak, snatching back your hand as if he burns you. 

Too preoccupied with the relief of being able to breathe, Joel shakes his head. ‘Don’t be. Just keep going. Please.’ 

Why is that one word - six letters - making your breath hitch?

Gripping the top of the now open fly and pinning it against his body so you don’t accidentally see anything you’re not meant to see - whether you want to deliberately is a completely different matter - you hunker down and keep cutting along the zipper. 

Each snip gets easier as the jeans release their death grip on him. The right side of the fly falls away as you cut, the denim peeling back slowly to expose the skin underneath. Your eyes drift to the curve of the pubic bone that’s now completely in view, and it’s taking everything you have to not lean over and run the broad of your tongue along it -

How long has it been since you’ve been with a man? When was the last time you had someone stand before you, pants unzipped and hanging open -

With tremendous fortitude, you tear your eyes away to check on him, ‘All good?’

The grunt of respite that he lets out is almost guttural, going straight between your legs. ‘Feels so fuckin’ good to breathe.’

‘Before I keep going, do you want to - uh - rearrange yourself?’

You expect him to turn around, or at least give you a second to turn around to give him some privacy, but he’s obviously been too deprived of oxygen to think straight. One big palm snakes down his front, right in your face, and he cups himself through the denim.

You stop breathing, eyes wide as he adjusts himself. 

Holy fuck.

When he’s done, he gives you a thumbs up. ‘All good.’

This is it. You’re not making it out of this alive.

You can barely get the words out, your throat suddenly drier than sandpaper. ‘Can you, um, hold up the other side of the fly?’

When he does, you stare at his hand next to yours. How is it so big? The veins are prominent on the back, leading down to thick fingers, the nails neatly trimmed and clean - but you bet there’s residue gunpowder underneath.

There’s still a slither of skin peeking through the V of the fly as the scissors slice through the denim, following his happy trail. The lower you go, the thicker and darker the curls, and goddamnit - what is wrong with you - all you can think about is burying your nose right in there, nudging through the hair, lower and lower and lower still -

A sharp pain on your left finger makes you yelp, the scissors falling from your other hand to the floor with a loud clang. A small bead of blood wells up on the tip where the sharp blade nicked it, and in a panic, you let go of his jeans.

‘Shit,’ Joel curses and covers himself up quickly, his brow furrowed in concern. ‘You okay?’

You flush, nodding in embarrassment while you get on your feet. ‘I - my hand just slipped. It’s nothing, the smallest cut, I’m fine -’

Well, to be fair, you were fine - until he grabs your left wrist, brings your hand up to his face and sucks your bleeding fingertip into his mouth. 

As if it’s the logical thing to do.

Your knees buckle, and you collapse into his front, but he doesn’t even budge, as if you weigh nothing. Taking a deep breath - wood smoke, simple soap and man fill your lungs. Peering up at him through your lashes, you spot the silver flanking the hinge of his jaw, leading down to a peculiar bare patch on the left side of his beard.

He watches you back as he releases your finger with a wet pop. Tracing his bottom lip with his tongue, he pronounces, ‘Just a small cut. You’ll live.’

Will you though? Because it feels like you’re on the verge of expiring from breathlessness. 

He glances down at his front, which he’s still holding up. ‘I guess I can get out of these now.’

It takes you three seconds to catch up before you stumble backwards. ‘Yes, of course. Sorry.’

‘Thank you for freeing me,’ he says with a lopsided smile.

You duck your head, unable to meet his gaze all of a sudden - hypocrite, you had no problem perving on him a minute ago - and nod at the jeans on the table. ‘Why don’t you try those on?’

He clears his throat. ‘I, uh, should probably put on some underwear first.’

You barely manage to hold back from smacking yourself on the forehead. ‘Of course. We do have some in stock. Boxers or briefs?’

He looks amused. ‘What do you think, sweetheart?’

You hesitate, but you force yourself to be brave and venture a guess. ‘Boxers.’

He winks, and you grin back.

Joel hovers uncertainly in front of the mirror in the fitting room, having exhausted all the angles he can see twice, and wonders if he’s been dithering for too long. He’s not even sure what he’s looking at anymore, so he bites the bullet and draws back the curtain.

‘How do they feel?’ you ask.

He was counting on some hint from you, but you give nothing away. So he shrugs, hands on hips. ‘I honestly can’t tell you.’

‘May I?’

At his nod, you step into his space, and he watches as you hook your fingers into the belt loops on either side of the jeans and pull them up, as if gauging the size. He holds his breath as your hair grazes the front of his chest.

‘They’re a bit loose, to be honest,’ you tell him.

He scoffs self-decrepatingly. ‘Probably not for long at the rate I’m going.’

You take a step back and level him with a glare. ‘Stop it.’

He frowns, hackles rising. ‘What?’

‘Stop putting yourself down.’

That he didn’t expect. He protests, ‘I’m not putting myself down -’

‘Yes, yes, you are,’ you interrupt him with a boldness that has his eyebrows reaching for his hairline. With fire in your eyes, you go toe to toe with him, poking him in the chest with a firm finger. ‘You’re alive, you’re safe here, and you’re fit as hell. If you’re going to make fun of yourself for putting on a bit of healthy weight, you can go ahead and get out of my shop.’

Warmth blooms in his chest as Joel stares down at you, breathing heavily after your little speech but showing no intention of backing down. You don’t know him, but for some reason, you’re fighting his corner.

That shouldn’t feel as good as it does.

Pursing his lips, he towers over you as he teases, ‘You think I’m fit as hell, sweetheart?’

With a roll of your eyes, you walk backwards to the shelves, rummaging through the sizes before returning with a pair of dark wash jeans. You quip, ‘Don’t fish for compliments, it’s unbecoming.’

You snap the curtain shut in his face with a flick of your wrist before he can answer, and he chuckles to himself as pulls on the jeans you picked out for him.

When he pushes open the curtain again, Joel doesn’t miss the way you pause as you stare.

The waistband sits on his hips without cutting into his stomach, and he’s pleased that he can comfortably slide his hands into the pockets. The denim wraps firmly, but not tightly, against his backside, holding his thighs comfortably and falling straight down to the ankles. The wash is dark and flattering, smarter than his old ones.

When the silence has stretched on long enough, Joel shifts on his feet and asks, ‘Well?’

You turn the question back at him. ‘What do you think?’

He shrugs. ‘They’re alright, I guess.’

With a tilt of your head, you prompt, ‘You can say it, you know.’

‘Say what?’

‘You can say that you look good.’

Joel huffs, shaking his head and catching his reflection in the mirror as he does. At your look of insistence, he reluctantly parrots back, ‘Alright. I look good. Happy, sweetheart?’

Then you smile, really smile, and he feels himself soften - his eyes, his face, his mouth, his fucking old, rickety knees -

Suddenly, the bell over the door rings and a woman bustles in. ‘I’m so sorry, Pin! I know I’ve been gone a long time, but I got your favourite tea to make it up to you -’

She stops abruptly when she spots him. ‘Hey! You’re Joel Miller, aren’t you?’

Before he can answer, she crosses the shop in a bundle of energy, sticking her hand out. ‘I’m Lucy, I’m a friend of Tommy and Maria’s. It’s so nice to finally meet you.’

He lets her shake his hand, then she continues without skipping a beat. ‘How are you settling in? You got that house in the street near the stables right? It’s great, it’s quiet but not too far from everything -’

Since she doesn’t seem interested in his participation in this conversation, he doesn’t. But he notices, with regret, the way you start to retreat, the shyness making a return in the shadow of her clearly more outgoing friend - like a bad habit.

He’s suddenly aware of a lull, and that Lucy is looking at him expectantly, like she’s just asked a question that he didn’t hear.

‘Yeah sure,’ he replies dismissively, stopping you with a hand on your wrist just as you try to slink away unnoticed. ‘Hey, wait a second -’

To Lucy’s credit, she picks up on the snub and the energy between the two of you at the same time. Instead of taking offence, she gives you a knowing look and points towards the back diplomatically. ‘You know what Pin, I just bumped into Maria and she asked me something about our fabric inventory, so I better go check it out. I’ll see you around, Joel.’

With a wink in your direction, Lucy makes herself scarce, leaving the tea on the counter for you.

Joel’s quiet for a beat when you’re left alone again. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to run off your friend, but I just wanted to uh - thank you. For all this.’ He pauses, then adds, ‘Like she said, I’m Joel. Probably should’ve introduced myself before I asked you to cut me out of my jeans.’

You quip, ‘There’s always next time.’

He chuckles, and asks, ‘Did your friend just call you - Pin?’

‘It’s just a silly nickname,’ you explain. ‘As in pins and needles, for obvious reasons.’

Then you give him your real name and your hand, his palm warm and calloused against yours as he shakes it firmly. When he lets you go, you notice the watch on his wrist, the veins of broken glass on the face catching the light. 

Nodding at it, you ask, ‘Do you need that fixed? There’s a repair guy down the road who can fix anything.’

Confused for a moment about what you’re referring to, Joel pauses before realisation dawns on him. His answer is suddenly polite, a stark contrast to the light-hearted conversation just now. ‘No, I - I like it this way. But thanks.’

You don’t miss the emotional weight behind his words, and the air thickens with unspoken meaning, but you know better than to ask. 

‘I understand,’ you say simply.

Everyone has something like the watch is to him. God knows you do. A moment of quiet understanding passes between you, one that needs no words.

Breaking the silence, he says, ‘So, you mentioned I’ll need to trade in something else for these jeans -’

You dismiss that notion with a wave of your hand. ‘Oh no, it’s ok. I got it.’

‘You don’t have to -’

You shut him down. ‘It’s not a big deal, it will take me two minutes to replace the zipper.’

He hesitates. ‘And the boxers -’

Passing him his jacket, you insist, ‘Seriously, Joel, don’t worry about it.’

His fingers brush yours when he takes it from you and shrugs it on. You try not to look too conspicuously when the bottom of his shirt draws up, flashing a bit of tummy, but it’s gone too quickly. With a nod, he concedes reluctantly, ‘You really shouldn’t, but thank you. I owe you one.’

You roll your eyes with no real exasperation as you walk him towards the exit. ‘I know you haven’t been here for long - that’s just how things work around these parts. We do things for each other, you don’t owe me anything.’ Pulling the door open, you give him one last grin. ‘Welcome to Jackson, Joel.’

‘Thanks, Pin,’ he says as he crosses the threshold. He pauses on the porch and looks around the high street slowly, as if he’s taking it in for the first time. He then turns to you with a parting wink that is charged with easy confidence. ‘I think I’ll like it here.’

You linger by the door, leaning against the frame as he jogs down the front steps with a swagger, watching in appreciation at the way his new jeans frame his backside. You smile when he slides his hands into his pockets as he walks away, the afternoon breeze ruffling his curls and the sun warming his broad shoulders.

You think you’ll like him here as well.

Notes: As I was writing this, I couldn't help thinking that it reminded me of Grays 🙈 What can I say? I want to give middle-aged men in need of self-love all the reassurance that they need. I hope you enjoyed Pin and Joel's meet-cute, I'm honestly so nervous about this fic I had to stop myself from compulsively over-editing.

Thank you so much for reading! Comments and reblogs are appreciated as always 🥰

P.S. Apparently, there is a Main Street Outfitter in the game, so I ran with it.

“You’re not getting too scared, are you?” You heard him ask, his eyes not leaving the screen.

You shook your head. “No, not at all,” you hoped the lie sounded to him better than it did to you.

As the movie continued on, you found yourself steadily getting closer and closer to Javi, so much so that he took your cup of apple cider out of your hands and placed it on the end table next to him so you wouldn’t spill it in his lap. You tried your best to stay focused on the movie, but you were already a few scary films in, and your mind was wildly unsettled. Your brain was starting to play tricks on you, convincing yourself you were seeing moving figures in the open doorway in your peripheral vision. It started to get so bad that you physically jumped at a particularly gruesome scene in the movie, causing Javi to quickly grab the remote and pause it.

“Cariño,” he cooed, voice laced with concern.

You let out an exasperated laugh. “I’m sorry, I know I’m being a baby,” you rubbed a hand over your face.

Grabbing your wrist gently, he pulled your hand away to cup your jaw. “No, no. I think it’s cute.”

Rolling your eyes and snorting, you wrapped your arms tighter around his torso and snuggled into his neck. “I’m good, you can unpause it. I’ll just hide here.” Like this you could fully breathe in his expensive cologne tangling with his natural musk, the scents swirling together like a comforting blanket being pulled over you.

You felt his chest bounce as he laughed. You angled your neck to look up at him, meeting his warm eyes and that soft smile that made your heart melt. He shook his head, bending down to press a delicate kiss to your lips. You smiled against his mouth, your lips meeting once more. His kisses always made your chest light up- he was an impossibly good kisser. It was difficult to resist pulling him down to you completely and deepening the kiss into something more heated; so difficult, in fact, that you didn’t.

You slid your fingers into his soft curls and settled them there. Javi shifted his body slightly to get more of an angle on you, moving his mouth against yours slowly. His tongue slipped into your mouth, igniting a fire deep in your belly. You moved yours into his and they danced in harmony, both of you so familiar and in tune with each other.

One of his hands held the back of your neck, fingers tangling into your hair slightly, while the other slid around the curve of your waist to your back. You were putty in his hands like this and he knew it. He slowly moved your body down so he was almost on top of you, your upper back pressing into the arm of the couch. You hummed against him, gripping his hair tighter and pulling him against you more.

“What about the movie?” You asked coyly, pulling away and pressing your forehead against his.

Javi responded by burying his face into your neck and pressing soft pecks to it. When he reached that spot behind your ear, your breath sucked in sharply, and you felt him smirk against the sensitive skin. He swirled his tongue over the area and gave it several open mouthed kisses that had you softly whimpering, until you eventually tugged his face back to yours and sealed your lips again.

“The movie will be there, amor,” he said in between eager kisses. “Right now all I want is you.”

From its spot on your lower back, his hand grasped the hem of your thick sweater, pulling the forest green fabric up until you could shrug it over your head. Placing a kiss to the pillowy flesh left uncovered by your bra, he swiftly undid the clasp until you were bare. It never failed to impress you how quickly he could handle bra clasps; you’d dealt with many an ex boyfriend who struggled with them until you had to sigh and do it yourself. But the first time you’d slept together, Javi moved so swiftly you didn’t even realize he’d done it. It wasn’t something you expected from the walking ball of sunshine, but by no means were you complaining.

He wrapped his lips around one of your nipples, moving his tongue around it and biting just enough to make you gasp. He repeated the action on the other breast, heat pooling deep in your stomach. You swore he would be content like this all day, lavishing your breasts with sweet kisses and nips.

“Javi,” you breathed out, closing your eyes.

Speaking between kisses, he answered. “What is it? Que necesitas?” His face pressed to your sternum.

Scratching the back of his scalp, you looked down at him. “I love you.”

He grinned. “I love you too, hermosa. So much.” He kissed a trail down your stomach, stopping at your leggings. Hooking the top with his thumbs he pulled them down until you could shimmy out, then tossed the black fabric to the back of the couch. As the heat from the fire warmed your thighs you were suddenly made aware of how much clothing he was still wearing. Before he laid back on top of you, you scooted so you were sitting up more and reached for the hem of his own thick sweater.

“Off please,” you mumbled, moving quickly.

He assisted you by grabbing the white fabric by the shoulders and pulling it over his head, revealing his broad chest and soft tummy. You couldn’t contain your smile at the sight and ran your fingers over the light smattering of hair. Your fingers trailed up from his stomach to his arm to squeeze his thick bicep, relishing in the tense muscles there. You pulled on his shoulders until he smiled and moved back down to you, crashing your lips together.

His thigh wedged between yours and you found your hips rolling against it. The rough denim was delicious against your wet core, only covered by your now-soaked panties. As the two of you kissed for what felt like an eternity, he was finally the first to pull away.

“Can I take you on the floor?” He whispered in your ear, pulling the lobe between his teeth.

Your cheeks heated. “What?” You asked breathlessly.

Javi licked the length of your ear. “You heard me, corazón.”

He stood from the couch then, holding his hand out to you. You followed suit, interlocking your fingers as he guided you closer to the fire so you could lay on the smooth faux fur rug in front of it. After a moment of adjusting- and Javi undoing his pants while you tried to control yourself- he held himself over you, looking down at you with something so tender in his eyes that you had to look away. He loved to do that to you- he was your sun, burning so brightly and radiating such warmth that you almost couldn’t take it. Almost.

He ran a hand over your thigh, reaching under to squeeze your ass before pulling his fingers through your now bare wetness. Sultrily he moved his fingers up to his mouth, sucking on them before slowly lowering them back to your entrance and sliding his middle finger in. The long, thick digit curled within you and you let out a stuttered gasp, fire spreading across your hips. Javi repeated the action again and again, the pressure already building within you. Your breathing became heavy, eyes tightly shut while he brought you to the edge and back cruelly.

“Please baby, I can’t take it anymore,” you whined, speaking softly.

He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to your forehead. You let out a hard sigh, as if he pulled the air right from your lungs.

“Only because I love you so much.” He teased, reaching down and grabbing his cock to line up at your center.

Moving his arm so he was now bracing himself on either side of your head, he slid into you with ease. A grunted sigh escaped his lips at the sensation of your walls squeezing him so tightly, and you clenched around him even more. He sat this way for a moment, mouth agape and eyes squeezed shut, before you wrapped your legs around his body and pushed at his backside. As if a switch flicked on, he began moving at a firm pace, jostling you just enough to make your breath come out in short pants.

“Yesyesyes,” you whined.

It was difficult to focus on anything outside of his thrusts, cock moving so deeply within you your brain was turning to mush. He looked even more beautiful from this angle, soft hair hanging in front of his forehead and brown eyes locked onto yours. You cupped his cheek and pulled yourself up to kiss him, swallowing a loud moan from him as he began to move faster. He was moving at a nearly bruising pace now- all you could do was lay back and take it.

“So fucking tight.” He swore in between the sinful noises escaping him. It was a far cry from the Javi most people got to see, and you loved being the only one that got this side of him. He was passionate and fiery and almost animalistic. He was yours.

You clawed at his back as he continued pounding into you, hard enough to leave marks that you’d see them tomorrow. He never seemed to mind, though.

“Do you like when I fuck you fast like this?” Javi spoke with gritted teeth.

You let out a small cry in response, unable to find words as his cock went so deeply within you.

“Respóndeme.” He hissed.

“Yes,” you panted. “I fucking- oh my god,” you swallowed as you felt his thumb stroke up and down on your clit, the pace only slightly slower than the colliding of his hips into yours.

“I want you to cum for me, amante,” Javi’s voice was strained as he spoke, clearly teetering on the edge as well but holding back.

You loudly moaned, head pressing back into the soft rug beneath you. All you could feel was him, taking over your entire body until it was no longer your own.

“Do it, you’re right there,” he encouraged softly from above you.

“Oh my god,” you moaned. “Oh my god.”

“That’s it,” he cooed, hearing your voice break as you finally flooded his cock.

You came so hard barely any noise came out; you could only writhe beneath him. Your hips rolled as you pulsed on his cock, barely even registering him spilling inside of you outside of his loud groan. Javi collapsed on top of you, your sweat mixing together and causing your skin to stick.

“You are way too good at that,” you laughed airily, stroking his arm with your nails.

He placed a kiss to your collarbone. “You flatter me too much.”

“Hmm, you think so? I don’t think I do it enough.”

You felt his cheeks move as he smiled against your bare skin. He sat this way for a moment before he pressed himself up, standing to stretch as you did the same.

“Let’s get back to the movie, amor.” He said with a kiss to your knuckles, helping pull you to your feet.

Letting out an overdramatic huff, you pulled your sweater back on.

“Only because I love you.”

Feedback/interactions always appreciated <3

Taglist:

Part 2: Buckskin

It's an eventful first day on the trail, to say the least.

Part 3: Dapple Grey

Tinder is a dangerous game. So is Never Have I Ever.

Part 4: Strawberry Roan

Jack pulls out all the stops for your birthday. All of them.

Part 5: Appaloosa

You and Jack play house for a day.

Part 6: Mustang

On the fifth day, you leave the Halfway House behind, and the conversation turns homeward.

Drabbles: consider these deleted scenes from the main series. Highly recommended reading as the drabbles cover scenes that I don’t have word count for in the main chapters.

Set during series: Béarnaise | If Only

Set after series: Real

Chapter sneak peeks: two | three | four | five | six

Headcanons: Silver Pony | Jack’s moustache

Art by the most talented @guiltypleasure-art

A birthday message from cowboy Jack

Forever crying, screaming and throwing up from gratefulness that the amazing @guiltypleasure-girl drew this for my birthday 🥹

Cowboy yearning

There’s so much to scream about this masterpiece. This is the first time I’ve seen actual cowboy Jack and you won’t believe the way I literally collapsed at the sight of him. I still can’t believe that @guiltypleasure-girl brought him to life with her endless talent 🥰

Edit by the loveliest Heidi @wildemaven

Palomino edit

I was beside myself when I saw this. Heidi captured the mood of the series perfectly with these beautiful images, thank you so much again for making this gorgeous edit and sharing your talent with us ❤️

Moodboard by the sweetest Keira @k-ra

Moodboard

It was the loveliest surprise when Keira dropped this gorgeous moodboard in my inbox. This really is a piece of art, thank you so much for letting me share this with my readers ❤️

More notes: This is a very personal story to me as I grew up loving and riding horses. I've been lucky enough to go on several horseriding holidays, and I'm writing directly from experience - except the hot cowboy part, sadly. Even if you don't ride, I hope you enjoy this story, and I will be the happiest writer if I impart to you even a fraction of the joy of exploring the great outdoors from the back of a steady (or speedy) steed.

{ Inspo }

It’d be nice to say nothing’s different about them since you all went to high school together, but the simple act of existence forces change, no matter how hard you struggle against it. 

Joel used to play Fire and Rain around bonfires in someone’s daddy’s field in the middle of nowhere, grinning at the girls who sighed as he sang—he was no James Taylor, but he made your heart flutter anyway. Nowadays his smile is just as sweet, but his eyes are framed by deep wrinkles and he coughs a little if he laughs too much. 

There’s a lingering hope inside of you that he still plays that guitar—for his daughter, if no one else. 

Tommy’d talked nonstop about leaving, anxious enough to get out into the world that he joined the military straight out of high school and went off to start his new life three days after graduation. Joel followed some girl to Austin not long after Tommy went to boot camp, and that was the last you’d seen of him for a decade or so until life led you to the same town as the Miller boys again. 

Your stomach flipped the first time they came strolling into your bar, their eyes lighting up when they recognized you—Tommy first, and then Joel. Tommy wrapped you into a bear hug, and Joel held his hand out for a handshake. 

“Long time,” was all he’d said, and then they settled into a booth that Tommy eventually declared “his”. As long as he kept tipping well, you’d be more than happy to give him the damn thing.

Part of your job is flirting. A lot. Happy customers mean better tips and it just so happens that men are happiest when they think they might have a chance with the pretty bartender. It doesn’t matter if they actually want to take the chance—you know good and well half of them are happily married—it does just enough to make them feel special. 

And then there’s Joel. One of the only guys you’d have appreciated a real response from, and not even your most practiced hand-on-the-shoulder-lean-in seems to catch his interest. So you treat him like you treat your guy friends instead, and he blooms like a bluebonnet in late spring. 

You choke down your disappointment and move on. 

Tommy’s around more often than Joel. He’s single, no kids at home, but you’d never know it by the way he talks about Sarah. He gushes over her just as much as her dad. They’re both all too happy to show off new pictures and brag about her report card. but he doesn’t have a daughter waiting at home. 

“She’s beautiful,” you said the first time he leaned over the bar on a slower night to pull out a picture of her in a soccer uniform, grinning and holding up a shiny trophy. 

“Don’t take after me one bit,” he said, shaking his head. “Thank God.”

But that wasn’t entirely true. She had his smile and warm brown eyes, and you’d seen that proud pose at least once in your yearbook. His eyes got big when you told him. 

“I suppose you’re right,” he said, looking down at the picture and tucking it safely back into his wallet.

One Saturday night, when Sarah’s otherwise occupied, Joel’s stuck around till last call to drive Tommy home. It’s just you closing up tonight, and as Joel slings Tommy’s arm over his shoulder, he looks around at the empty bar. 

“You okay out here on your own?” He asks.

“I’m fine, Joel.”

“Let me get him in the truck. I’ll come back and walk you out.”

“And leave him all alone?” You ask, nodding at Tommy, who grins at you.

“I’m fine, beautiful,” Tommy slurs, a boyish grin spreading across his cheeks. Joel rolls his eyes. 

“Can’t take you nowhere, goddammit,” Joel scolds. 

Tommy doesn’t usually get so sloppy drunk, but he’d spent half his night telling you about a painful breakup, downing beers until you cut him off and forced some water into him before he tried to fight some man foolish enough to get a little handsy. 

“I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere.” 

You try to protest—you’ve walked to your car in a dark parking lot more than once. You’ve also never really been alone with Joel before. Not in high school and not since you moved here.

Do you want to be alone with Joel Miller?

He strolls back in just as you’re counting tips. 

“Tommy okay?” You ask. Joel chuckles.

“He fell asleep in the back. Gotta drive extra slow, I guess,” Joel says, leaning against a wooden column with his arms folded across his chest. If he means to show off his biceps, he’s doing a beautiful job. 

“You can go on home, honey,” you say, the endearment slipping out before you can stop it. Those get you more tips, too. “I’ll be a here a little while.”

“Be faster with an extra set of hands, wouldn’t it, darlin’?”

Darlin’?

He must have had more than you thought. Maybe it’d be a good idea to have him sober up a bit more.

“You wanna help me close up?” You ask, skirting past it.

“Yes ma’am, I do,” he says, and his lip curls up in a smile. 

He wipes down the counters and the tables while you finish counting. You’re done in half the time it usually takes, and he seems to be walking just fine as you lock the door behind you. 

“Your boss leave you alone a lot?” He asks, surveying the dark gravel lot. The only working light is on the other side. You shrug. 

“It’s no big deal,” you assure him. His eyes flick to your bag. 

“Concealed?” He asks, but you laugh and hold up your fist, keys poking out from between your knuckles like claws. He frowns. “Shouldn’t make you walk out here at night alone.”

You smile to yourself as you reach your car. “Made it. Should I drive you to the truck? Since it’s so dark,” you tease, leaning with your back up against the car.

“Smartass,” he murmurs. He’s standing very close to you now. The air around you changes, still sticky with Texas heat but buzzing with the anticipation of something new. Joel Miller has never paid attention to you like this in all the years you’d known him. 

He hooks one thumb through a belt loop and licks his lips, his skin shiny with a thin shimmer of sweat. One hand raises to rub the back of his neck. 

“What’s up, Joel?”

“We’ve known each other a long time now,” he says. 

“Yeah.”

He’s starting to make you nervous. 

“Think it would be too late to ask you on a date?”

“I—wait, you wanna go out with me?”

“I gotta tell you, darlin’, I thought I’d made that pretty obvious.”

You cock your head to the side and grin. “You didn’t.”

“Well, hell, you think I’m in here all the time for Tommy?” 

“Yes?” 

He moves a little closer, his eyes dropping to your lips and lingering. “I ain’t here for Tommy.”

You clear your throat. “What’d you have in mind?” 

“Dinner and a movie still acceptable? I remember you saying something about liking those.” When had you talked about that? He must see you trying to work it out and says, “At one of those parties we used to go to.”

“We haven’t been to a party together since high school, Joel.”

“I know. I might’ve made a note of it, way back when.”

He smells like musk and the lingering hint of Old Spice deodorant, and if it wasn’t a completely insane thing to do you’d lean your face into his chest and inhale. Instead you put your hand on his chest and thumb the soft, worn fabric. “Yeah. I think that sounds nice.”

He’s so close and broad and handsome, leaning into you like this, another half-smile forming on his lips. He’d asked you out, right? How bad would it be to just lean forward and—

But he leans in and curls his hand around the side of your neck, thumbing your jaw as he presses his lips to yours. He tastes like beer and chapstick, and you hook your fingers through his belt loops to pull him closer. He chuckles at your noise of protest when he breaks the kiss, nosing your cheek. 

“I’ve been wantin’ to do that for twenty years, seems like,” he sighs. 

“How’s it feel?” You ask. 

“It—”

“About goddamn time,” Tommy yells from across the parking lot, standing up in the truckbed. 

“Go back to sleep!” Joel yells back, but you’re both laughing, a broad smile stretched across his face.  

The moment’s broken, but that’s fine. You scribble down your phone number and hand it to him. 

“You be careful on the way home, sweetheart,” he murmurs.