Where Did I Go Wrong?

Our family had a little reunion in the coast of Batangas. It came out that we have a relative in the province and they invited us into their home to have some heartfelt journey in the lake of Taal, Volcano.

The whole family traveled together; I even invited Merald to meet my titas and titos. He was very welcomed even though he was shy and quiet the whole time. Couldn't blame him, it's his personality and comfort. We met a lot of new people, I couldn't grasp the structure of the family tree, so I would call these girls my cousin in the nth degree. They were very nice, welcoming, charming, and quite sociable in a comfortable way.

We ate breakfast and cooked some of our baon before we start to walk across the so called "hike" to arrive at the beach -- our entire purpose in the journey.

At first, we walked comfortably in the streets not knowing what will fall beyond us in the end of the road. I was shocked and terrified with the path's condition! Narrow, muddy, slippery, and a tree-clad! A ravine is in front of us and it's the only way we could go down to the breathtaking sparkling water of Taal.

Going down the ravine was dangerous and slippery--I slipped. But going up the ravine was more tiring! It felt like my heart was in a race of beats. I could hardly breathe and my legs were trembling.

Nevertheless, aside from that tiring path, the beach was indeed a kiss of angel. Not the way I expected it to be. But it was like a private beach just for us.

I will not deny I was little ashamed because I thought Merald wouldn't enjoy the travel. But he said he did have fun. It might be not the way we thought it would be. But the experience was one of a kind for me.

It was a little messy, yet fun! I even saw a monkey-- well, not clearly. Thanks to my stupid blurry eyes. But I had so much fun being able to hang out with my relatives and having a time with Merald. Everything seems going well this day, I forgot I had such problems in my real life.

I hope this outing would happen again! I would like to meet my nth degree cousins again >< they are very pretty and nice!

February 19, 2022

Yesterday was like a slit in the throat. I couldn't breathe and everything was out of my control, I feel so powerless. I started counting backwards, trying to fall asleep but all I can think of was how shitty my life is.

Yesterday, I went to a Christian church for the second time. As someone who had drifted apart with creationism, I was a bit defensive with the words being thrown by the preacher. And it made me feel guilty because I was with someone who believes in the higher being. And then I thought, is it hypocrisy? Is religion a coping mechanism for all the irrational things we did?

The topic was to shallow for me to fathom who had much in life. I couldn't relate for the shallow things in life. Or am I just not letting myself be driven by his word? Am I hopeless?

Or I just don't want to admit that life is cruel and I am a victim of its sin?

We went home with a baggage in my heart, pondering the words of the preacher. I could say, I relate but it could have been better if the hardest points of love was also discussed.

I wanted to ask, how about spouses who broke apart? Did God have nothing planned for them even after the three kids they birthed on Earth?

It was utter bullshit, I said.

It was energy draining. Holding into such words and faith we are not even sure of exists. Am I going to hell for being critical? Or is God would be that good to save me from the abyss of uncertainty?

"I wanna die." I told Merald.

"Did you even think of those you'll leave behind?" he answered.

And I replied, "That's why I'm not killing myself."

I thought, is life supposed to feel this way? To live for others? Life is cruel for those who are weak. And I am weak. Anytime soon I know I will kill myself and those who I'll leave behind? They wouldn't even remember me after a long time. My name would just be familiar and my stories would rott in the subconscious mind.

And as I am entering the hell hole named as home, my relatives was in chaos.