these are lifted from the hulu show with the same name, triggering content may be possible, please read and reblog with caution. adjust any as needed!

sometimes a second chance is just another chance to get it wrong.

you’ll hear me bassooner or later.

i’m going to stop you before you accidentally say I’m not sexy.

please stop me.

the sharing of stories is kind of transactional.

isn’t it insulting to flirt now?

seventy’s the new forty.

suddenly it’s rude to tell a secretary she looks nice in a pair of slacks.

who the hell knows?

no. to that whole sentence.

rock icon sting is a dog-poisoning murderer.

he’s like the next OJ. a hot, buddhist OJ.

embrace the mess. that’s where the good stuff lives.

this is exactly like die hard!

no one wants a murder podcast about real estate!

even the elevator wanted that story to end.

a cat never really leaves you, because they transmit parasites.

i loved our shows.

it’s setting money on fire i don’t care for.

oh, you’re the other one. got it.

those are our proverbial onions, raw and peeled.

and yours? care to peel for us?

sometimes it’s easier to figure out someone else’s secret than it is to deal with your own.

it’s so hot in here. do we have to do this in a closet?

i mean, a murderer probably lives in the building.

i guess old white guys are only afraid of colon cancer and societal change.

i’ve fallen in love with so many dead people.

do you appeal to anybody?

you are scoring a murder mystery, not DJing a hobbit’s wedding.

yeah, you look pretty poor.

i’m totally migraining, you guys meet the sea witch without me.

so go on ahead and enjoy your cute little lives.

i literally pass him in the elevator once a month, just so you know.

new yorkers have a special way of communicating.

true crime num-nuts.

i don’t tip. i think it’s elitist. i send out autographed photos instead.

i’m gonna fucking find out.

calls bother them for some reason.

i think our list of suspects just got longer.

i will burn it and snort the ashes like it’s 1982.

can i just stream it later and spare myself?

i can’t tell if you’re acting or not.

oh, believe me, when he’s acting, you can tell.

who educated you?

i want you to be less mean.

no one ever brings anyone a turkey with bad intentions.

oh my god, there’s food.

really? do you not see this coat?

i have this recurring dream. i’m in bed. i wake up and there’s a man standing over me.

what the fuck is in [optional:name]’s mouth?

so, i kick him right in the nuts.

i grab my knitting needle and i take him down to the bone with that thing.

sometimes, when i can’t sleep, i imagine brutally murdering that dude.

i’m out like a light. works everytime.

it’s not what you think!

oh, you fancy.

new york can be a fucking lot.

all the eyes on you. all the time.

hey baby, where you goin’ so tough?

two thousand women report assaults here every year.

it’s a place that makes you binge watch dateline to find out on to not end up on dateline.

it was the most constant refrain from my childhood.

the fuck?

look, nobody liked him.

can we all just be grateful that he’s gone?

let’s see if [optional:name]’s free. i’ll call her.

should i text?

say something nice and move on.

Does anybody have anything they would like to share about [optional:name]?

oh! how did you get here?

it was open.

i don’t lock my door. never have.

the motherfucking garbage bag!

why would he get on the elevator with that?

there’s a chute on every floor.

what was in there?

we all had the same thought?

ah. different thought.

we should do our own podcast.

i’m not dying. it’s anxiety.

is it cancer?

i just need to know how invested i should get in you.

you don’t adopt a twenty year old dog.

it happens sometimes when i talk to people.

i have it managed.

i just don’t talk to people.

what do you share?

i just.. i just find dating exhausting.

if it works out, scary. and if it doesn’t work out, scary.

i just want to go home and plant my face into a pillow.

sounds like an afternoon.

do i want to break into a dead guy’s apartment and go through all his shit?

it’s the first time i’ve ever been alone in like .. ever.

i tend to make packs where ever i go.

what happened?

i shared. i got a second date.

i need to sleep for a month!

it’s about a jealous stalker and surveillance.

it actually seems like it was written by .. a killer.

right. you should wait. plenty of time.

are you kidding me?

every breath you take is no love song.

well, at the end of the first act, there was the amazing number.

i can still hear the sound of them all hitting the floor.

chorus boys tend to stick together.

there is no bigger flop than my show.

we got bad reviews before we even opened.

what the fuck! oh my god!

what the shit was that?

we just wanted to see how you were holding up.

i wish i were dead.

now’s not a good time, so.

any comments?

we’re gonna go down there and look around for clues. wanna come?

you liked it, right?

is that what my face is saying?

this doesn’t make sense.

where do we start?

i got in the elevator with these two weirdos.

approximately twelve minutes from now, i will be murdered.

apparently one of you jerk offs did it.

i can’t stop thinking about this.

we should do our own true crime podcast.

right now the only thing that matters is there’s a killer on the loose.

oh, that is a very good line.

i think we’re onto something big here.

why are they all selfies?

so i don’t draw suspicion.

i’m gonna pass out!

get the who, the why and the why now.

get the what and the what?

see, why would you say what? i never said what. there’s no what.

shit just got super real.

get out of the building now.

keep your eyes peeled!

anything could be a clue.

do you consent to being recorded?

i like the emotion. keep that.

the crying is covering the dialogue.

are you associated with the deceased?

just in passing. not his passing. just when we pass by.

we find the right connection and all this cracks open.

i can’t tell if i want it to be nothing or i want it to be something.

turns out the ones you think you know best, might be the ones you know least.

every true crime story is actually true for someone.

yes, and this is just occurring to you?

i think we should just hit him with the charmer.

is it on now?

i’ll take the lead on this.

well i can turn on the charm.

why did this happen to you?

i want to solve this murder so catch me up.

i know. it’s weird.

seems like everyone in the building loved her.

they both died the same day.

really? what did you hear just exactly?

i shouldn’t speak ill of the dead.

something about a missing ring?

why would you say it like that?

i wouldn’t put it like that.

what did you do?

what is wrong with you?

you’re taking too long.

i faint at the sight of blood.

you know, there’s a cat in your freezer.

you’re right. we should be more respectful.

what episode is this from?

i saw that bullshit on youtube this morning.

i’m so lost here. can someone please fill me in.

i literally feel myself aging when i listen to you.

how do you not know anyone.

you know what, i think you should stay upstairs.

we should just promise not to lie and trust each other. i can do that.

filming something today?

i’m not wearing make up.

i was just coming up to get you.

i have a way in.

those were made up mysteries.

maybe you’re right. maybe going at it alone is better.

hi. i’m not sure why i’m doing this.

i hate new years eve. it means winter break is over.

you’re a goddamn asshole! what the fuck was that?

i saw someone. 

in case i’m next.

the secrets are the fun part.

who’s telling the truth? who’s lying?

you don’t have to sign your texts. i know it’s you.

“i  think  we  ought  to  live  happily  ever  after.”

“i  hope  your  bacon  burns.”

“you  must  admit  i  have  a  right  to  live  in  a  pigsty  if  i  want.”

“yes,  you  are  nosy.  you’re  dreadfully  nosy,  horribly  bossy,  appallingly  clean.”

“control  yourself.”

“i’m  going  up  to  my  room  now,  where  i  may  die.”

“if  i  give  you  a  hint  and  tell  you  it’s  a  hint  it  will  be  information.”

“you’ll  exploit  me.”

“i’m  dying  of  boredom.  —  or  maybe  just  dying.”

“i’m  dying  of  boredom.”

“go  to  bed,  you  fool.  you’re  drunk.”

“i  assure  you,  my  friends,  i  am  cone  sold  stober.”

“typical!  i  break  my  neck  trying  to  get  here,  and  i  find  you  peacefully  tidying  up!”

“you  have  no  right  to  walk  into  people’s  castles  and  take  their  guitars.”

“it  is  quite  a  risk  to  spank  a  witch/wizard  for  getting  hysterical  about  their  hair.”

“a  heart’s  a  heavy  burden.”

“my  shining  dishonesty  will  be  the  salvation  of  me.”

“why  did  you  pretend  to  run  away?”

“i’m  a  coward.  only  way  i  can  do  something  this  frightening  is  to  tell  myself  i’m  not  doing  it.”

“i’ve  got  a  hangover.”

“no,  you  hit  your  head  on  the  floor.”

“he’s  fickle,  careless,  selfish  and  hysterical.  half  the  time  i  think  he  doesn’t  care  what  happens  to  anyone  as  long  as  he’s  alright.”

“is  that  all  you  can  do  in  the  face  of  tragedy?”

“is  that  all  you  can  do  in  the  face  of  tragedy?  make  toast!”

“they  said  'over  my  dead  body!’  so  i  took  them  at  their  word.”

“things  are  going  round  and  round  in  my  head  —  or  maybe  my  head  is  going  round  and  round  in  things.”

“a  fickle  heart  is  the  only  constant  in  this  world.”

“help  me,  someone!  i’m  dying  from  neglect  up  here.”

“interesting  things  did  seem  to  happen,  but  always  to  somebody  else.”

“i  must  apologize  for  trying  to  bite  you  so  often.”

“she  was  remorseless,  but  she  lacked  method.”

“you  are  a  terror,  aren’t  you?”

“now  i’ve  got  something  i  want  to  protect.  it’s  you.”

“tantrums  are  seldom  about  the  thing  they  appear  to  be  about.”

“some  of  your  are  pretending  to  notice  me  at  last.”

“doors  are  very  powerful  things.  things  are  different  on  either  side  of  them.”

[Image Description: Tag reading “canon is an illusion and also for suckers except for the parts I like”]

nature:

✧･ﾟ*✧ 🌿 ✧･ﾟ*✧ 🕊🦢✧･ﾟ. ✧🐢💦 *✧🐛 *✧ ﾟ✧･ﾟ🦊. *✧ ﾟ✧･ﾟ 🐌🐞 *🍄🌳 *✧ ﾟ