ᵘʰ˒ ʷʰᵒ ᵗʰᵉ ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᶤˢ ᵗʰᶤˢ ˀ

“maybe if it wasn’t for the ongoing drug addiction & your obsession with fashion trends i can only assume come out of a magicians who care about the environment magazine —– you would have real potential. “  @blamedyou  calling out forty for his style 

THAT HURTS.          it shouldn’t, but it does. coming from you, forty, probably the most unstable man on the planet ----- it should not hurt as much as it does. i know that i’ve done some bad things, trust me. i regret the times when it’s gone too far, but it was always necessary. i did what i did for love. for LOVE. would you understand if i pitched it to you that way ? you always did love a good ( bad ) pitch.

“ forty- ” i don’t even know what i’m trying to say. i’m searching for the words but for some reason they’re just not there. why is that ? you’re normally the easiest person to talk to. not that it’s not sometimes painful to go through the topics you deem as conversation worthy. you’re just ----- what’s the word ? wow, it’s not often i’m found speechless, but when it comes to this situation, to you ? i’m stumped.

maybe it’s because when i first met you, i was certain about who you were. some la moron with a dream & the cash to fulfil it, if only you weren’t such a simpleton. only you’re not simple, are you ? you’re a lot smarter than people realize. so much more complex than even i perceived. maybe if it wasn’t for the ongoing drug addiction & your obsession with fashion trends i can only assume come out of a magicians who care about the environment magazine ----- you would have real potential.

i guess you’re the closest thing i have right now to a FRIEND. that must be why i’m so angry that you’d say this. i can argue with insults when they come from bad people, or ones that threaten or don’t understand what i’m working so hard for, but you’re different. you’ve done bad things, & you’ve threatened LOVE & i’s relationship more than once ( whether or not you were trying to ). & yet i care about what you think. i care about YOU. somehow you’ve managed to make me give a shit about you & your infuriating opinions. why the fuck would you do that ?

“ i can explain. ” i can’t. not in a way i think you’d understand. i can’t tell you anything you don’t already know without making myself sound worse. i think i’m just buying time. or maybe a part of me feels a kinship with you. there’s this strange connection between us that as much as it hurts me to say, is REAL. i don’t know what your family did to me on that healing horror trip, but i think i can literally feel the connection between us & it’s not going to be easy to sever. if it was, i’d be long gone by now.     but LOVE.

THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE MAKES THIS ALMOST WORTH IT . almost . but , the fact of the matter is that i’m still dead . i’m dead and here you are , miles away and still hurting people .  ❝  why do you think i’m here , joe ?  ❞

honestly i love that ! thank you. it’s really fun for me & it’s what he deserves let’s be real. making fun of him is just as fun as writing him if not more. & thank you also for complimenting my writing, it means a lot. writing somebody who i shamelessly drag makes me occasionally question my portrayal but this is the exact vibe i’m going for so i’m glad !

to quote jake peralta: cool motive, still murder.

YOU’RE NOT ?          i’m not gonna lie, that’s a surprise.     i’m not often surprised anymore. especially around here. people are so predictable it’s basically a joke to sell them books ( as if those contain the material they require to add to their already lacking personalities ). so for you to surprise me, to take me off guard & render any plan i could come up with to control our situation useless ----- i have to say i’m impressed. enamoured even.

it’s one of the things i love about you, LOVE. it’s what makes you so unique. you’re not like anyone i’ve ever met before... you see me, the real me.     it makes me think that even if we met under different circumstances, where i didn’t have to work so hard to make a new life for myself, we’d still find one another. & that’s what real love is, isn’t it ? maybe it’s true that i’ve never truly felt it before. beck never understood me the way you do, & candace... you’re basically her polar opposite. every time she fought me & tried to convince me i was some kind of monster, you would have lifted me back up. told me what i needed to hear to feel okay again, & cooked me something that only my lips were permitted to touch. you actually care about me, & i’m so grateful.

because of that i can’t keep putting us in jeopardy. everything i’ve done for love, has not been what’s best for you, LOVE. & i want to be what’s best for you. i want to be the man you deserve, the man you’ve shown such passionate, real love to. it’s only fair that i return the favor. if you can make me feel more wanted, more safe, like nobody ever has before ----- that’s exactly what i intend to do for you. i will make you happy, LOVE. i will be better, & i will make sure your kindness doesn’t go unappreciated.

“ thank you. ” is all he can muster after the monologue in his mind.     he hopes he’s managed to tell her the what’s important through his gaze. he wanted to show her in every gentle touch what he was thinking. he imagines she could read his mind if she tried, but she’s too good for that. too smart to be unaware, but too loyal to judge. LOVE does what she has to in order to make him feel safe & loved. it’s exactly what he’d do for her. he’s fully convinced, she is his SOULMATE.