I is the trash Queen

GAMBLING IS NEVER PROFITABLE

The meme: [If you press the button, you have a 99% chance of getting a million dollars, and a 1% chance of being turned into a girl]

Anakin: That's so stupid, who wouldn't press the button?

Aayla: I mean, we don't really need the money, as Jedi. You're not on Tatooine anymore, you know?

Anakin: Yeah, but why wouldn't I press the button? What's stopping me?

Aayla: ...not wanting to be a girl, mostly. A lot of guys would refuse to press it on principle because they don't want to risk even that 1% chance.

Anakin: That's dumb, everyone wants to be a girl, some of us just have to accept that we can't, duh.

Aayla: ..........................

And you know how RotS is evidence that, in a high-stress situation, they will continue that kind of bitching even in the presence of Chancellor Palpatine himself?

Right, so, AU where Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Skeevy Sheev are all stuck in a cell together, much like the Hondo episode, and Sidious outs himself as a Sith Lord out of pure irritation because he’s never had to deal with Anakin and Obi-Wan together for this long before, especially not in a situation stressful enough that they turn to the bitchiest banter for relief. Ahsoka could be there too, to up the annoyance quotient, because she and Anakin teaming up against Obi-Wan by being his super annoying kids and getting so invested in shooting the shit that they forget the Chancellor is there in light of almost annoying Obi-Wan into telling them a Padawan Adventure Story of the bullshit he got up to with Quinlan… that’s incredibly entertaining for everyone except Darth Sidious, who is this fucking close to murdering all three of them just to get some peace and quiet.

I want them to be insufferable. I want a fic that circles around things getting progressively more annoying and Palpatine can’t do anything about it without ruining Anakin’s opinion of him. Even then, he is still so very tempted to hurt this teenager, but unfortunately the teenager in question belongs to Anakin.

The desired mood is just. Exactly the same as the Hondo captures the lineage episode, but More, because I want Palpatine to be cut off from the Force and still so done with their shit that he attempts a murder.

(It’s kinda sorta a fixit, given how no matter what happens Palpatine is now known to be a manipulative bastard. But it’s a fixit that’s approaching things from the crackiest direction possible. It’s a fixit the way “Anakin is sort of a paralegal for the council because of a medical hold keeping him on-planet” is. Like… we got there! But it was by way of Anakin thinking Qui-Gon had an affair with Valorum and accidentally implying he’s sleeping with Palpatine himself.)

Also, like, Anakin and Obi-Wan were TRYING to piss off Dooku in the canon episode. They aren’t even putting in effort here, they’re just like that and Ahsoka is making things worse because she lives to mimic Anakin.

Keep them in there long enough and they could cycle through who gangs up on who. Like Ahsoka and Obi-Wan have def ganged up on Anakin. There’s a tickle attack on Ahsoka and the screeching noise she makes nearly bursts an eardrum. “I didn’t know eardrums could burst, Chancellor, I’m so sorry!” “She doesn’t have eardrums, Chancellor, she didn’t know! It didn’t actually burst, did it?”

Obi-Wan’s being a little snippy but Anakin and Ahsoka are like genuinely trying to make this a not-terrible experience for Palpatine and in fact making things so much worse.

At some point Ahsoka does something wildly insubordinate and Anakin wonders out loud why she’s Like This while Obi-Wan looks smug in the background.

The snake with other YouTubers:

Vs the snake with Markiplier

@codywanweek Day Four: One of Cody's antennae is linked to a tracker in Obi's lightsaber

I am all for "Obi-Wan's lightsaber really likes Cody and that's why he finds it every time it gets lost", but this is a very funny prompt as it stands and I just had to get silly with it :)

and like obi-wan's a very polite guy, right, he keeps his Force signature tightly contained because he thinks it's rude and unseemly to let it run wild around oneself (cough, Anakin, cough), so sidious can't figure out if he's actually as Light as he seems. but he's rather certain that no one could be that Light, so he must be a hidden sith lord who has infiltrated the Temple and the Jedi Council and got his claws into the Chosen One before sidious could !!!

and the thing is that sidious has made a lot of enemies over the years to get where he is and to amass the power he has, so loyalty is a bit hard to come by. when one of his allies defects (too much torture), the guy runs straight to the person he's heard so much about, the rival sith lord sidious seems the most afraid of. surely this rival sith lord can protect him from the wrath of darth sidious????

obi-wan is just incredibly confused why low-level sith acolytes keep showing up at his doorstep begging for his protection specifically. anakin's getting a bit territorial over the whole thing. yeah his master's great but he's taken. he's already anakin's master. he doesn't have time to take on twenty new padawans. that's not even allowed. and everyone knows obi-wan kenobi is the best and lightest Jedi who always follows the rules

(featuring one sith acolyte who asks for obi-wan's (sith) name upon arrival, and obi-wan is like ? it's obi-wan? you know that?

and the sith is like yes....but what's your, you know...your other name? that you use for...secret...things?

and obi-wan is like ! oh. ben?