All About Deej

I have always been the type to self reflect but this time I want to make permanent changes. I’ve been actively working to change behaviors that aren’t beneficial to me. I’ve gotten rid of so many people who served no purpose in my life. I’m in a space of wanting to find my new scene, new hobbies, and more ambitious like-minded friends. I’ve been praying more. If it’s one thing I know for certain is that there’s nothing I have to worry about when it comes to telling God all of my problems. I’m attempting to stop bad habits and follow a better path. I’m celibate once again. I’ve been diligent about my skincare routine and am trying to be more consistent with the gym and healthier food choices. I’m happy about all of these things because I am doing it all for me this time, no one else. One thing I can say is that a guy I met this summer was the catalyst that sparked some of this change. I was on my way to becoming a better person regardless but I saw so many of my flaws while dealing with him and he genuinely encouraged me to get them sorted out. He was farrrrrr from perfect, but collectively had things that I liked & had before but never seen all at once. I realized that’s something I have to be ready for next time it comes around and for me to be ready I have to fix a lot of unresolved life issues and continue on my own journey of self-love.

A very interesting but obvious thing about family is that when we’re born, we don’t get to choose the families we’ll be born into. We grow up learning to love them with all of their faults and imperfections. Sometimes shit becomes so crazy and unbearable that we sometimes wonder about what life would be like if we were apart of another family. I usually feel guilty for those thoughts because I don’t think I’d want to struggle with anyone besides them. It could always be worse. The silver lining for me is knowing that I have the ability to start my own from scratch and try to make it everything I ever dreamed of.

Me and my fake broken heart

deep creek 2018

Fuck the both of you for thinking you’re better than me.

I think the only part of it that hurts this time around is having to accept that it’s truly over and always knowing in the back of my mind that it would come to an end. In order to prevent a pain that gets worse with time, it had to end. No I’m not crying my eyes out at night or sending paragraphs aimlessly of how you’ve treated me, to you or my friends but with all sincerity, I do think about you a lot mid day. I think about you a lot in those moments after a long day when I’d usually call you just to come see you. A warm and familiar place that always brought comfort. Your arms and your house were capable of that. I’d lay in your bed all the time and attempt to mentally take a picture just to capture how warm and safe I felt, just in case it was the last time I was feeling that feeling and never got to see those four walls again. I wonder if it’s too early to call it nostalgia? Surprisingly enough, Part of me wants you to chase me while the other part just hopes that if and whenever my phone rings with your name on the screen, that I’m so over you that I won’t even care. Our little secret lasted way longer than we both expected. All good things must come to an end and although this whole thing wasn’t as “good” as I alluded to this entire time, it was definitely fun. Over the years I learned that you won’t ever get that apology or closure that you want so bad & often times it’s not even necessary. I’ve also learned that I cannot settle just to avoid loneliness. So I leave you with the same farewell as I do the others...”hope you learned a few things from me & I wish you nothing but the best.”

One can only hope for this month to be nothing short of amazing solely because of how unamzibg it was for me in March. I hated March and I couldn’t be any happier it’s over. That month was supposed to full of smiles, celebrations, and relaxation. Instead, it was filled with tears, stress, and repeated thoughts of negativity. I know God may be testing me but I must admit I’m getting so tired. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. I’m starting not to feel anything anymore. Part of me doesn’t want to feel anything anymore. But another huge part of me wants to be better….wants to feel whole. I always wonder why I’m wired to react to certain things I do but I never understand. I never understand why I feel sorrow and despair 10x more than I could ever feel happiness. I always manage to take charge but in my head I’m blaming those closest to me for why I can never be happy. It’s as if no one cares enough to even notice. I’m not myself. Putting a smile on everyday in March was hard for me. I have friends and family but I feel so alone. With the exception of two people, I believe almost everyone has ulterior motives towards me and doesn’t want me to succeed or could care less if I do or don’t. I feel so detached from everyone and everything. Usually I find some type of comfort but I just can’t put how I’m feeling into actual words. I just want to disappear, become who I was destined to become, feel full, then reappear again. I fully believe that my path is my own but not living up to my own expectations of where I should be in my life is taking a toll on me. Everything’s just always been so hard and I’m tired. I try to be happy, I really do. I don’t go around asking people to feel sorry for me. I don’t ask for sympathy from anybody. I’m always thankful for the good things that happen to me, always. I feel like God is mad at me. I really don’t know what I’m doing anymore and it all feels so pointless.