when someone is completely fucking wrong about your blorbo but you don't want to argue about what basically boils down to opinions about shit that doesn't matter so you just sit there like
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Ëâ⎠They say having feelings for your brother's best friend is never a good idea...
But loving Jungkook feels like the easiest thing in the world.
He's been by your side for as long as you can remember, so it's only natural for you to feel devastated when your brother, Dohyun, tells you that Jungkook is about to get married.
For the first time ever, loving him doesn't feel easy at all.
paining: brother's best friend!jungkook Ă f!reader
cw: age gap (jk is 32, reader is 22 ops), tension, reader is WHIPPED, pining, initial unrequited love (my fav), eventual smut (!!adding new warnings when needed!!)
Youâve been avoiding Jungkook like the plague, and thatâs easily one of the hardest things youâve ever had to endure. Being close to him feels almost unbearable, the distance youâre desperately trying to create keeps dissolving every time you manage to put a few steps between you. No matter where you go or what excuse you find to keep yourself occupied, he always ends up there somehow, existing at the edge of your vision until you canât pretend not to notice him anymore.
His presence is suffocating in the quietest way imaginable. It doesnât demand attention, yet it steals yours effortlessly, his eyes never wavering whenever they land on you, never carrying even the slightest hint of hesitation. You spend the entire evening searching for distractions: throwing yourself into conversations, admiring the scenery, focusing on anything that can keep your mind from wandering back to him.
Eventually, everyone decides to have dinner at the hotelâs seaside restaurant, located in a separate building overlooking the water. The short walk there offers the kind of view people usually stop to enjoy. The ocean is stretching endlessly beneath a sky painted with fading shades of gold and blue, the salty breeze is brushing against your skin and the rhythmic sound of waves is breaking gently against the shore. You barely register any of it as youâre too busy rehearsing ways to make it through the night without finding yourself alone with him.
By the time everyone reaches the table, youâve already made up your mind. Without drawing attention to yourself, you slip into the seat beside Taehyung, hoping the decision speaks for itself before anyone can question it. Thankfully, he doesnât. He simply glances at you with his usual easygoing expression, completely unaware of the reason behind your choice, or perhaps kind enough not to ask.
The conversation flows naturally throughout dinner, jumping from one topic to another while plates of fresh seafood continue arriving at the table. The flavors are delicate, impossibly fresh, and for a while they almost succeed in pulling your thoughts somewhere else. You laugh when everyone else does, contribute just enough to avoid looking distant, and cling to the smoothness of the evening as though it might carry you safely to the end of it.
You never look at Jungkook. Not once.
The temptation lingers constantly, sitting at the back of your mind like an itch you refuse to scratch, but you know better than to give in. The possibility of meeting his eyes across the table is enough to make your appetite disappear altogether: you keep yours fixed on your plate, on Taehyung whenever he speaks, on the candle flickering between the dishes⌠anywhere but him.
Still, you know heâs trying to find an opportunity to talk to you. You donât need to catch him staring to understand it. Every time you move, he somehow ends up nearby, a few steps behind you. Heâs always close enough that youâre painfully aware of him without ever needing to turn around. Itâs almost as if heâs become your shadow, silently following wherever the evening takes you, waiting for the moment youâll finally stop running.
You refuse to give him that chance.
By the time dinner comes to an end, youâre already rehearsing your escape. You stand before anyone else has the chance to suggest another drink or a walk along the beach, rubbing at your eyes as you force out a tired smile and admit that youâre exhausted. You even complain that your legs barely have the strength to carry you back to your room, hoping the performance is convincing enough to keep anyone from insisting. It works.
A wave of understanding passes around the table almost immediately. Everyone wishes you goodnight, telling you to get some rest and enjoy the sleep you so obviously need. You return every smile, every farewell, then waste no time. The second youâre free to leave, you head straight back toward the hotel, eager to put walls, doors, and as much distance as possible between yourself and the one person youâve spent the entire evening pretending not to notice.
Of course, sleep never comes.
You spend the entire night lying awake, staring into the darkness while your thoughts refuse to leave you alone. Every time your eyes begin to close, your mind drags you back to the moment when you and Jungkook were just a single breath apart, replaying everything that happened with cruel precision until youâre wide awake again. Somewhere between the endless hours and the moonlight filtering through the curtains, one thought settles itself so deeply in your chest that it becomes impossible to shake: you havenât just ruined the vacation youâve been counting down to for weeks, but youâve probably ruined Jungkookâs too.
.⌠ÝË
By the time morning rolls around, exhaustion clings to you like a second skin.
You barely remember agreeing to breakfast this early, but you regret it the second you step into the dining room. The smell of fresh coffee, warm pastries, and toasted bread fills the room, voices already buzzing around the large circular table where everyone has gathered, impossibly awake for this hour.
You, on the other hand, feel as though youâre still trapped somewhere between yesterday and today. Without really thinking, you spread a thin layer of strawberry jam across a slice of toast. Your hand moves on its own while your mind wanders somewhere else entirely, until the knife suddenly stops halfway across the bread.
You donât even realize youâve frozen when a gentle pressure lands on your shoulder, pulling you back to reality.
âI hope youâre not planning on killing me with that.â
Sophieâs voice is light, followed by an easy laugh as she nods toward the knife still suspended in your hand. You blink a couple of times before looking down, only now noticing how ridiculous you mustâve looked.
In any other circumstances, you wouldâve laughed with her. This morning, the best you can manage is a weak breath that doesnât quite become a smile.
The lack of sleep is written all over your face, you donât need a mirror to know that. You can feel it in the heaviness behind your eyes, in the dull ache settled somewhere inside your head, in the way your body seems to be functioning a few seconds behind everyone elseâs.
Sophieâs smile falters almost immediately.
âHeyâŚâ she says more quietly this time. âAre you okay? You look kind of pale.â
The question hangs in the air just long enough for the rest of the table to notice. You become aware of the silence before you understand why it feels so heavy. Conversations begin to trail off one after another, replaced by the unmistakable sensation of being watched. When you finally lift your head, several pairs of eyes are already on you, concern replacing the easy smiles that had filled the room only moments earlier.
âYeah-â Jimin agrees, his brows knitting together as he studies you from across the table. âYou disappeared pretty early last night. Are you sure youâre feeling okay?â
The attention is almost unbearable. Instinctively, your gaze slips away in search of somewhere to land. Of course it finds Jungkook.
Heâs sitting across the table with his head lowered, his phone resting beside his plate as his thumb moves lazily across the screen. He hasnât looked up once since the conversation shifted toward you, his expression unreadable from where youâre sitting.
You find yourself wondering if heâs avoiding your eyes or if heâs simply waiting for you to answer.
âDonât worry, guys-â
The words leave your mouth before youâve decided how youâre going to finish them. A faint vibration interrupts you. Your eyes drop automatically to the digital watch strapped around your wrist, expecting nothing more than one of the usual notifications. Instead, your breath catches.
Everything around you fades into the background as your pulse surges violently against your ribs.
kook â¤ď¸âđŠš: Come find me downstairs tonight once everyoneâs asleep.
Your breathing falters before you can stop it, your breakfast abandoned in front of you as the meaning of the message settles in. The piece of toast you were holding moments ago has become completely irrelevant, your fingers resting still against the table while your mind struggles to catch up with what you have just read.
You donât want to look at him.
Every part of you knows that you shouldnât, that the moment your eyes meet his youâll lose the fragile control youâve been holding onto since yesterday. But the pull is stronger than your attempt to resist it, and despite the silent warnings running through your head, your gaze eventually lifts across the table.
Jungkook is already looking at you. There is no surprise written across his face, no trace of hesitation now that youâve finally caught him. He simply holds your gaze with the same quiet intensity heâs carried since yesterday.
What frightens you most isnât the fact that he is watching you, but itâs the fact that you have no idea what heâs thinking.
You have known Jungkook for years. Long enough that understanding him has become something almost involuntary- something you never had to consciously learn. You know the way his expression changes when something bothers him, the small habits that appear when heâs uncomfortable, the subtle differences between the smiles he gives when heâs genuinely happy and the ones he wears when heâs trying to hide something. You can tell what kind of mood heâs in by the way he speaks, by the way he moves, by the smallest details most people would never notice. But right now, all of those familiar signs are gone.
The person sitting in front of you is still Jungkook, the same person youâve spent years knowing better than almost anyone else, yet there is something about him that feels completely out of reach. For the first time, you find yourself unable to read the thoughts behind his eyes, unable to understand whether he is hurt, angry, disappointed, or simply waiting for you to stop running.
ââŚIâm fine.â
The words escape you before you can stop them, softer than intended. A small smile follows, carefully placed there for everyone watching, but you already know it isnât convincing.
.⌠ÝË
Todayâs plan consists of a small boat tour around some of the islandâs beaches, with a couple of stops planned along the way for anyone interested in spending some time in the water, whether that means snorkeling, swimming, or simply floating beneath the morning sun. As it turns out, your group is the only one that has any interest in leaving this early, which means the ocean is pretty quiet, interrupted only by the gentle sound of the boat cutting through the water as the shoreline gradually disappears behind you. The water is so clear that every now and then you catch glimpses of the seabed beneath the surface, patches of coral and darker rocks coming into view before disappearing again beneath the movement of the waves.
Your attention eventually shifts toward Dohyun, who seems to be enjoying himself more than anyone else on board. Heâs been standing near the edge ever since you left the dock, phone held carefully over the side as he records video after video of the crystal-clear water below, leaning just enough to make you wonder whether heâs more likely to capture the perfect shot or accidentally sacrifice his phone to the ocean before the morning is over.
A little further away, the girls have naturally gathered together near the front of the boat, tucked away in their own little corner while they chat among themselves. You suppose it shouldnât surprise you. Between wives (in Sophieâs case, a soon-to-be wife) thereâs bound to be an understanding that comes effortlessly, conversations flowing in ways you probably wouldnât be able to follow even if you were sitting beside them. Still, a small part of you canât help feeling disappointed that no one thought to wave you over. No one except Celeste.
She catches you looking from across the deck and immediately lifts a hand in your direction, offering you the same warm smile she always seems to have whenever sheâs with you. You donât hesitate to wave back, grateful for the gesture, before your attention drifts toward Sophie almost without meaning to.
You remember spending hours helping her look for a wedding dress, listening to her overthink every little detail while asking for your opinion more times than you could count, convinced that if anyone knew what Jungkook would like, it was you. Back then she hadnât seemed bothered by that fact in the slightest, yet ever since that afternoon she hasnât come to you for advice again. You wonder whether she started thinking about it afterward- whether realizing how well you know him made her uncomfortable in a way she hadnât expected.
You sigh knowing thereâs no point dwelling on a question you could never bring yourself to ask, so you force yourself to let the thought go before it has the chance to make you anxious.
The boat comes to a gradual stop a few minutes later, close enough to the beach that you can make out the white sand beneath the palm trees, though still far enough for the water below to remain deep.
Someone begins passing around snorkeling masks and suddenly everyone is climbing over the side, one after another, without much hesitation. You follow not long after, the cold water wrapping itself around your body the moment you dive in, sharp enough to steal your breath for an instant before the discomfort fades beneath the sight waiting for you below the surface.
The reef is unlike anything youâve ever seen before. Sunlight filters through the water in pale golden streaks, illuminating clusters of coral in shades of orange and soft yellow while countless fish weave effortlessly between them, some no larger than the palm of your hand, others bright enough to look fake. You watch as tiny silver fish move together, changing direction all at once before disappearing behind the rocks, unbothered by the people swimming only a few feet above them.
You swim back to the surface to take a deep breath before disappearing underwater again, wanting to get closer to everything around you. The silence feels peaceful, leaving nothing but the slow movement of the current around you as you follow a small group of fish, so distracted by everything unfolding in front of you that you completely lose track of where youâre going.
It isnât until something solid collides with your back that you realize youâve been drifting backwards the entire time.
Turning around proves to be far more difficult than you expect, your movements slowed by the water surrounding you, but after a slightly awkward attempt you finally manage to face whoever youâve just bumped into.
Youâre not surprised when you find Jungkook in front of you.
For what seems like an eternity, the two of you simply stare at one another, suspended beneath the surface as if neither of you knows what to do, before his hands find your waist, steadying you long enough to guide you back toward the surface with ease.
You emerge a second later, immediately pushing your mask up onto your forehead while brushing the wet strands of hair away from your face, only to realize that Jungkook has surfaced beside you at almost the exact same moment.
Everyone else is still underwater, leaving the two of you alone above the surface with nothing but the distant sound of the boat rocking gently behind you and the waves breaking softly somewhere closer to the shore.
Your gaze lingers on the silver of his lip ring as it catches the sunlight with every subtle movement he makes. You donât look away until he finally speaks.
âCareful, sweetheart.â
Your cheeks warm almost instantly. At this point, youâre starting to believe that water is genuinely cursed whenever Jungkook is involved. This also happens to be the first interaction youâve had since climbing onto him like a koala.
âI know how to swimâ you mumble, trying your best to sound unaffected. âbut thanks.â
You donât give him the opportunity to answer. Almost as soon as the words leave your mouth, you turn away and begin swimming back toward the boat, convincing yourself that youâve explored enough for now. In reality, the reef has become the last thing capable of holding your attention now that Jungkook has managed to find you yet again.
Namjoonâs voice reaches you from behind, calling you back and asking you not to leave the water, but you pretend you donât hear him. You know he only wants you to have fun, but right now you donât have the energy for that. So you keep moving, letting his voice fade behind you.
Climbing back onto the boat is harder than you expect. Your hands tighten around the small ladder as you pull yourself up, the wet surface making every movement less steady, and for a second your foot slips beneath you. The sudden loss of balance makes your heart jump, but you manage to recover quickly enough to avoid falling or drawing anyoneâs attention. You finally step inside the boat, quietly making your way to one of the seats that sticks out near the side, close to where your friends are still in the water, laughing and enjoying themselves.
You sit down, watching them from a distance while trying to ignore your watering eyes. The sound of their voices and the movement of the waves should be enough to distract you, but your mind keeps returning to the same thing you have been trying not to think about.
Jungkook wants to see you. He wants to talk to you. And you are not ready for that.
The idea of having to face him- of sitting down and hearing whatever he has to say- already makes you feel uneasy, because you have a pretty good idea of what the conversation would be about. There is only one thing that has been left hanging between the two of you, something that neither of you has directly addressed: your feelings for him. After what happened, you know there is no way he doesnât believe that the person you like is him. From his perspective, the conclusion must seem obvious, and even if you wish things were different you canât really blame him for thinking that. With the way everything happened and the way you were so ready to kiss him, it would be difficult for him to believe anything else.
The instructor eventually calls everyone back onto the boat, interrupting the fun everyone was having in the water. After stopping at a few more beaches along the way, you all decide it is finally time to head back.
âIâve never seen anything like this before, itâs beautiful.â Hoseok comments as he takes one of the available seats, still looking around at the view surrounding him.
And of course, because luck has never really been on your side, you somehow end up sitting right beside Jungkook.
You try not to show how uncomfortable you feel, hoping that maybe if you act normal enough, your own nerves will eventually calm down. Jungkook seems completely unaware of the anxiety building inside your head as he adjusts his position, placing the arm closest to you against the small railing beside him and gripping it to keep himself steady once the boat starts moving.
You immediately try to create as much distance as possible, shifting away from him even though you already know there isnât much space to work with. The seat is too narrow, the space around you too limited, and no matter how much you try to move, there is nowhere for you to escape.
Then the boat suddenly starts moving.
The unexpected speed catches you off guard, and before you have enough time to prepare yourself, the wind created by the movement rushes against you. The force of it pushes your body sideways, making you lose your balance and moving you without your permission.
Before you can stop yourself, you end up against Jungkook. His free arm immediately moves around your waist, catching you before you can fall, and even though the gesture is only meant to keep you safe, it is enough to make your heart race.
You hate how easily he affects you. How a simple touch, something that probably means nothing to him, can completely throw you off balance.
You feel almost weak from how overwhelmed you are, and while you are still trying to recover from the situation- from the fact that you are so close to him again- you make up your mind.
You wonât be seeing him tonight.
Because if being near him for only a few seconds is already enough to make you feel this way, you know you are not ready to talk to him.
.⌠ÝË
There is a bar by the beach that stays open until late at night, and after dinner, following Jinâs suggestion, that is exactly where everyone decides to go.
Getting ready takes considerably less time than it usually would. You barely glance at yourself in the mirror before slipping into the green dress hanging at the front of your wardrobe, deciding it is good enough without bothering to look for something else. Under different circumstances you probably would have changed your mind at least twice before leaving the room, but tonight you cannot bring yourself to care. The hem keeps brushing against your legs as you walk, occasionally catching the sand beneath your feet whenever the path gets too close to the beach, while the open back leaves your skin exposed to the cooler air that settles over the island after sunset. Every now and then your hand reaches down to dust away the grains clinging stubbornly to the fabric, only for new ones to replace them a few steps later.
âCome on, guys, letâs go get something to drink.â
Dohyun doesnât wait for anyone to answer before slipping an arm around Celesteâs shoulders, pressing a quick kiss against her temple before they disappear into the growing crowd together.
You find yourself watching them for a second longer than you probably should. It reminds you, rather unwillingly, of the bet you made with Jungkook. Well⌠at least one thing is certain: you definitely wonât be the one paying for the drinks.
The bar is busier than you expected, filled with tourists and locals alike, their conversations blending together beneath the music drifting from the speakers positioned around the wooden deck. Some people have claimed the tables overlooking the water, others remain standing closer to the counter with colourful cocktails in their hands. Itâs the kind of atmosphere you usually enjoy, yet tonight it barely manages to excite you.
By the time you finally decide what to order, everyone else has already collected their drinks and wandered off in different directions.
You thank the bartender before turning around, only to stop almost immediately when you find Taehyung standing a few steps behind you, clearly convinced that approaching in complete silence would somehow be enough to catch you off guard. You notice him before he even gets close. Raising an eyebrow, you turn to face him just as he comes to an abrupt stop, his expression making it painfully obvious that his plan has fallen apart before it even began.
âOhâŚâ He hesitates, tilting his head as though he is genuinely considering whether there is still a way to fix the situation. ââŚboo?â A laugh escapes before you can stop it, drawing an exaggerated sigh from him as he finally gives up on the idea of pretending the attempt had been successful. âI almost had youâ he insists anyway, taking the first sip of his drink only to miss the straw entirely, something you thankfully manage not to point out.
The smile lingers for a little longer than you expect before fading on its own, and you know Taehyung notices the change almost immediately.
Without really noticing, the two of you fall behind the others, the music becoming quieter with every step until itâs softly humming in the background. The distance is enough that you no longer need to raise your voices to hear each other, and for a while neither of you says much, content to stand side by side. Taehyung is the one who eventually breaks the silence.
âI know somethingâs bothering you, y/n.â
You already know where this conversation is heading. Taehyung has never hidden the fact that, whenever Jungkook is the reason behind your sour mood, he would rather you tell him than keep everything bottled up. More often than not, you have managed to avoid conversations like this with a quick excuse or a subject change before he could insist, mostly because you never wanted to make your feelings someone elseâs problem.
You stay quiet, your fingers tightening slightly around the glass resting in your hand while your eyes wander over the people gathered around the bar, searching for a reason to leave the conversation exactly where it is.When you donât find one, your gaze returns to Taehyung.
For as long as youâve known him, he has never given you a reason to question his honesty, and somewhere between all the conversations youâve shared over the past few months, trusting him became easy.
You reach for his hand before you can talk yourself out of it. âCome with me.â
His eyebrows lift ever so slightly though he doesnât ask what you mean, he simply follows.
Neither of you notices Jungkook watching from across the bar, his attention drifting away from the people around him the moment he sees you weave through the crowd with Taehyungâs hand still loosely wrapped in yours.
You lead Taehyung away from the crowd, following the shoreline until the music gives way to the sound of the waves, quieter now that youâve put enough distance between yourselves and the bar. A handful of tables have also been scattered along the beach for anyone wanting a break from the noise, most of them already occupied despite the late hour, though one tucked slightly farther from the others has somehow been left empty. You head toward it without saying a word, setting your drink down before taking the chair facing the ocean, your eyes lingering on the water while you search for a way to begin.
The silence stretches between you, though it never feels uncomfortable. You had convinced yourself that dragging Taehyung away from everyone else would make this easier, that once the two of you were alone the words would come naturally, yet now that the opportunity is sitting right in front of you, they seem determined to remain exactly where they are.
âTaeâŚâ You let out a quiet breath, still watching the waves instead of him. âI messed up. Big time.â
The hint of amusement that had followed him ever since he failed to scare you disappears almost immediately. âWhat happened?â
Your fingers tighten slightly around the cold glass in front of you, the condensation dampening your fingertips as you slowly turn it against the wooden table.
âDo you remember when Jungkook and I went to the pool?â He nods once, waiting for you to continue without interrupting.
âWe were having funâŚâ A humourless smile flickers across your face before disappearing just as quickly. âI was trying to push him underwater, and I still donât know how we ended up like that because one second we were just messing around andâŚâ You stop, the memory surfacing so clearly that for an instant it almost feels as though youâre standing in that pool all over again. ââŚthe next thing I knew, I had my legs around his waist.â
Saying it out loud sounds so much worse than replaying it in your own head. You lower your eyes to the table, your thumb tracing the rim of the glass as you struggle to put the rest into words.
âHe was so close that I couldnât think about anything else.â Even now, remembering the way he had been looking at you is enough to make your chest feel heavy. âNeither of us moved. We just⌠stayed there.â Taehyung remains silent.
He doesnât rush you, doesnât fill the pause with questions.
âI was looking at him and-â Your voice falters, forcing you to swallow before trying again. âTae⌠I was about to kiss him.â You donât dare look up.
âI was so caught up in that moment that if that woman hadnât interrupted usâŚâ The sentence trails off on its own, the ending so painfully obvious that saying it aloud almost feels unnecessary. You force yourself to do it anyway, your voice barely rising above the sound of the waves.
ââŚI wouldâve kissed him.â
You hear him sigh quietly, and itâs clear that the situation is weighing on him too. Taehyung stays silent for a moment, looking deep in thought before he finally speaks again.
âY/n⌠you know I love you, and Iâll always be here for you. But you need to learn how to control yourself.â He pauses, letting the words settle between you.
âHeâs getting married in a month.â He sighs again, leaning closer to you as his arms are now resting on the table. âIâm telling you this because I care about you, not because Iâm trying to do whatâs best for Jungkook.â
You know heâs right. You know that, somehow, youâre supposed to move on, and maybe this is the moment when you finally have to try.
But Jungkook has always been someone you could rely on- your soulmate. The thought of disappearing without an explanation or leaving him confused about why youâve suddenly become so cold toward him feels worse than the pain youâve been carrying yourself. You would rather keep suffering for the rest of your life than be the reason heâs hurting.
âHe wants to talk.â you add quietly, almost afraid of saying the words out loud. Your heart starts racing at the mere thought of it. âTonight.â
You watch as Taehyung gets up from his chair, his drink completely empty by now. He reaches out, offering you his hand, his expression softer than before. âAnd you will.â
He steps closer, keeping his hand extended, waiting for you to take it.
âStop assuming youâre going to lose Jungkook no matter what. You donât know that. Just be honest with him.â
His words linger in your mind as you slowly reach for his hand. The moment your fingers touch his, he pulls you up from the chair and swiftly wraps his arms around you, holding you in a hug that feels almost overwhelming.
âYou can do it. Everything will be alright.â he whispers against your ear, his voice gentle as he pats your head. âItâs time to let go.â You fight against the sudden urge to cry as you hug him back, taking a deep breath and letting the familiar scent of his perfume fill your senses.
You hate how easily your mind compares it to Jungkookâs.
.⌠ÝË
Youâre a coward.
You keep pacing around your hotel room, your hands constantly finding their way into your hair as you try to convince yourself that staying here, away from Jungkook, is the right thing to do.
The night ended almost an hour ago, but your mind is still stuck on the moment when the guys started asking where you and Taehyung had disappeared to, their teasing expressions making it obvious that they had already noticed something was off. It was a harmless question, but then Taehyung, with absolutely no hesitation, decided to answer with âtrouble in paradise.â
The joke was funny, you couldnât even deny that, but at that moment all you wanted was to somehow glue his mouth shut before he could make the situation any more complicated than it already was.
Eventually, you stop walking around and sit down on the edge of the bed, your elbows resting on your knees while you stare at the floor and try to slow down your breathing, although your heart is beating so fast you almost feel dizzy.
The idea of staying in your room for the rest of the night seems like the easiest option. The thought of not having to see Jungkook- not having to sit in front of him while waiting for him to ask questions youâre not ready to answer- brings you a sense of relief that you gladly welcome in.
You reach for your phone and unplug it from the charger before opening your conversation with him, your eyes immediately going to his last message. He hasnât said anything else since then.
Maybe you should be relieved by that, maybe you should take the silence as an opportunity to avoid the conversation for one more night, but instead you find yourself wondering if heâs waiting for you to say something first, if heâs looking at his phone the same way you are, unsure of what to do next.
Your thumb hovers over his name, the possibility of sending him a message sitting there for a few seconds before you lock your phone again.
No, if Jungkook really wants to talk, heâll find you.
You throw your phone onto the bed before grabbing a pillow and burying your face into it, letting out a frustrated sound as you try to convince yourself that this is the right decision.
Youâre not going to see him tonight. Thatâs final.
Youâre sticking to the plan you made the second he wrapped his arm around you on that boat, even if you can already imagine Taehyungâs reaction when he finds out you ran away again instead of doing as asked.
The next thirty minutes feel impossibly suffocating, every attempt at distracting yourself failing because your mind keeps returning to Jungkook. When you finally pick up your phone again and notice that itâs already three in the morning, you feel your stomach twist at the realization that the night has passed so quickly and yet somehow youâre still exactly where you started. Then, almost immediately after, your phone lights up.
You stare at the notification for a few seconds before sitting up, a quiet panic taking over as you get out of bed and start pacing again, walking from one side of the room to the other while seriously considering whether turning your phone off and throwing it out the window would make the problem disappear.
kookâ¤ď¸âđŠš: where r u?
You donât answer. Even though you know you should, even though the guilt is already starting to build because you have no idea how long he has been waiting or if he has been looking for you, your fingers remain completely still.
After another ten minutes of convincing yourself that he has probably already given up and gone back to his room, you decide to finally try sleeping. You get under the covers, pulling them closer around yourself because the hotel room feels colder during the night, and just when you start to relax enough to close your eyes, a knock echoes through the room. You freeze, your entire body going tense as you suddenly become aware of every single sound you could possibly make.
âY/n, please open the door.â
His voice reaches you from the other side, and for a few seconds you simply stay there, unable to process the fact that he is actually standing outside your room.
You donât move, hoping that if you stay completely silent heâll eventually believe youâre asleep and leave, even though deep down you already know Jungkook has always been too good at reading you to fall for something like that.
âI know youâre awake.â
You close your eyes, realizing that there is no way out anymore. You canât keep avoiding him forever, especially not when heâs right there, waiting for you to open the door and finally have the conversation youâve been trying so desperately to run away from. You slowly get out of bed and walk toward the door, pressing your forehead against it as you take a deep breath, trying to gather enough courage before speaking.
âWhat do you want, Jungkook?â
You hear him try the handle, but the locked door prevents him from opening it.
âPlease, sweetheart. Letâs talk.â
And somehow, despite everything youâve been telling yourself for the past hour, you still end up unlocking the door. Because when it comes to Jungkook, your heart has always been much weaker than your mind.
You open it slowly, and the first thing you notice is him standing there dressed completely in black, wearing only shorts and a shirt, looking calm and composed while you feel like your entire body is about to collapse.
You immediately feel your cheeks warm up and quickly look away, annoyed at yourself for checking him out in this kind of situation. You step aside to let him enter, and he walks into the room before sitting down on the bed.
You stay standing a few feet away, keeping the distance between you because being close to him feels devastating, but when he taps the empty space beside him, silently asking you to sit, you already know you wonât be able to refuse him.
Slowly, you walk over and take the seat beside him, leaving only a small distance between your bodies while trying to convince yourself that youâre feeling completely fine.
Then Jungkook finally speaks.
âI havenât been able to stop thinking about you for the past two days.â Your heart skips a beat.
And before you can prepare yourself, before you can find another excuse or another reason to avoid telling the truth, he asks you the only question you wish he wouldnât ask.
âAre you in love with me, Y/n?â
âââââââââââ
authorâs note:
you guys⌠ITâS FINALLY HAPPENING!!!
iâm sorry for the cliffhanger⌠actually no iâm not because you all know this is my favorite way to end a chapter đ
i also barely had time to proofread this one, so if you notice any mistakes⌠pretend you didnât <3
thank you so much for reading, and please let me know what you think đ
The wildest thing about Ben 10 is that it took until 2005 for someone to have the idea "what if a kid could turn into a bunch of aliens" like this isn't obviously the coolest and most marketable premise for anything ever. Each design is a new toy. A new powerset. Come on.
But to prove that it wasn't a fluke, they continued to have the best ideas for every aspect of it. How does he transform? A cool watch you can also sell as a toy. That watch's name? Omnitrix. Say it. It's so satisfying. How many aliens? Ten. Nice round number. The kid's name? Ben. The show's name? Ben Ten. His full name is Benjamin Tennyson, a normal, plausible name, but he also turns into 10 aliens.
Bigger brands dream about this synergy. Better writers would kill for this coherence. So holistic. So intuitive. The identity alone!!! The retro alien sound motif? Chilling. The green? Any other color would be wrong. The kirby krackle pattern? It seems so obvious in retrospect. The roadtrip format? Genius. Lesser writers would've done the spider-man high school thing. His arch nemesis being Cthulhu darth vader? Inspired, iconic, intimidating!
The execution has its highs and lows, but the idea??? Game changing. So self-evident that it seems inevitable. If Ben 10 didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
Taehyung has you wrapped around his finger- in more ways than one.
pairing: taehyung x reader
genre: smut, a little fluff
wordcount: 6.8k
warnings: public sexual acts, fingering, masturbation, deepthroating, degrading names during sex, dom!Tae, rough sex, slight breathplay, voyeurism, hair pulling, possessive!Tae, lovebites Â
You met Kim Taehyung out of all places, out of all times- during a bad date.Â
You were in a chain coffee shop, sitting opposite a man who was as beautiful as he was boring, wondering how dating had become like this for you. Boring dates, zero chemistry- and the looming fear of ending up alone pushing you into halfhearted commitments.Â
When your date had excused himself and gone to the bathroom, you had breathed a sigh of relief. Frankly, pretending to listen and inserting time-appropriate âMmâ noises was more difficult than it appeared. It was at that moment that Taehyung had sat down in your dateâs seat.Â
âSatâ was a mild way of putting it- he plopped down, draping over the chair comfortably, before flashing you a big grin. He looks a bit ridiculous, was your first thought- he was dressed in an oversized stripy linen shirt, slides, and a huge beanie. His strong eyebrows were quirked upwards from underneath his beanie and you shot him a slightly confused, mostly bitchy stare.
âBad date?â He had sighed sympathetically. âDo you want to talk about it?â He folded his hands and raised an eyebrow at you knowingly like he was your mid-life crisis dating coach. You narrowed your eyes at him.Â
âHeâs alright,â You replied defensively.Â
âWow. Alright.â Taehyung responded, nodding seriously. âAnd they say romance is dead.â
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summary - Even with the events of the morning, you were still determined to go on your date in Hogsmeade. Though, after the heated discussion you'd had with James, you weren't sure how enjoyable the experience could be.
wc [5.3k]
a/n: hello all!! ty all for the love on the past chapters, and im both happy + sad to say that there will be one more chapter to this series! (ahh!) can't wait to release it very very soon <3 - e
all chapters | <- Chapter 10 - Chapter 12 ->
You'd arrived at Madam Puddifoot's so quickly you could've sworn you'd apparated, or at least that's what it'd felt like. It was like your legs had gone into autopilot, some sort of survival instinct that had willed you to keep walking when it was the last thing you wanted to do. Though at the same time, you didn't think you would've had it in you to continue your conversation with James, if you could even call it that.
It hurt too much in the moment. Hell, it hurt too much to even think aboutâthough this time, you couldn't force yourself to just 'ignore' it. In fact, it was all you could think about the entire walk to the tea shop, even though you were meant to be thinking about someone else. That someone who was standing outside of the shop, tall frame and perfect smile greeting you next to the pink wooden door.
"Hey there," he called, the warmth from his smile audible to you even alongside the winds that almost howled against your figure. You already felt yourself panicking, because he looked so charming and hopeful and you were sure you looked anything but.
You pried away the hair that had flocked in front of your eyes thanks to the relentless breeze. Just as you'd suspected, you definitely did not look like the perfect, effortlessly pretty girl you were sure Sebastian was accustomed to seeing on a date.
His smile dropped, the inner workings of his brows pulling concernedly. "Hey, are you okay?" He moved closer until he had a hand gently holding one of your shoulders, eyes scanning over your face.
You nodded, gaze cast downwards busily. You lifted a hand over your cheek, alarmed as it came back damp and shining. You must've started to cry for real sometime between when your best friend confessed his supposed feelings for you and when you walked to your date with another guyâyou felt faint.
"Yeah," you told him, though your voice cracked halfway. "Just had a rough morning, is all."
Sebastian looked over you for a few seconds, maybe bargaining whether he could still get out of this date before it even truly began. "Are you sure you're up for our date? If you want me to take you back to the castle, we can always reschedule-"
"No." You forced your lips to smile at him, your nose to take a breath in. "I'm better now." You tipped your head to the door behind him. "Let's head inside."
He relented, maybe not by choice because you'd already begun walking towards the entrance to the shop, but he did all the same. He managed to hold the door open for you, to which you nodded gratefully and walked into Madam Puddifoot's with as much dignity as you could muster.
The tea shop was decked out with romantic and frilly pink decorations on every wall, fine china and complicatedly patterned cloths on every table. Sebastian guided you to one of them, pulling out your chair for you without a second thought. You sat down, finally feeling a bit more stable, though that feeling was lost as soon as you moved to take off your coat.
Your fingers paused, even if only for the thinnest of seconds, on the fabric draped over your shoulders. You lowered your headâyou were still wearing James's jacket. The warm scent enveloped you every time you breathed, so you didn't. At least, not until you lifted the jacket from off your shoulders and onto the back of your chair. Its presence was still a dizzying reminder of all that'd been said just a few minutes ago, something you had to fight not to react to as Sebastian took a seat across from you.
A heavy ten seconds passed until a dark-haired woman who you assumed was Madam Puddifoot herself came over to your table. She wore a smile and an apron with frills that matched the decorations. "What can I get for the lovely couple?"
You felt so unlike yourself that you didn't even flush at her use of the word 'couple.' Sebastian gestured for you to order first. Your mind was strangely blank as you voiced, "Just a ginger tea, please."
Madam Puddifoot gave you a strange and assessing look after you spoke, the shadow of a motherly, concerned frown disturbing her features. "My dear, are you alright?"
If one more person asked you that you thought you were going to cry again. You looked up at the woman and nodded, a polite smile gracing your lips. "I'm alright, thank you." Changing the topic as Madam Puddifoot continued to stare at you, you looked over at the boy across from you. "What would you like, Sebastian?"
"I'll just take a black tea, thanks." He smiled handsomely up at Madam Puddifoot, and that seemed to satisfy her.
She nodded and clapped her hands together. "One Ginger and one Black!" she yelled to no one in particular, until suddenly two fragile-looking cups of tea came swarming towards your table, seemingly appearing from nowhere, and set themselves down in front of you both. The witch clapped her hands again and a plate of biscuits appeared before you to accompany your tea.
She smiled, satisfied. "Anything else I can get you, dears?"
Sebastian looked at you as you shrugged, so he shook his head no at the woman, who nodded before moving to greet another pair of students who'd appeared at the door.
"So," Sebastian began, picking up his tea but not drinking it. "You said you had a rough morning?"
You looked down at the cup in front of you. "I'd rather not talk about it, if that's alright."
Sebastian pinched his brows. "Right, I'm sorry."
You shook your head. "Don't be." Then you picked up your own tea, taking a sip of its gingery contents that only soothed your mind a little bit. "How was your own morning?"
"It was alright. Took the carriage ride in with my mate and his date." He laughed to himself. "Can't help but think I was a bit of a third wheel, really."
"Right, I'm so sorry about that." You set down your tea. "My friend ... my friends wanted me to spend some time with them for the first Hogsmeade trip of the year." You felt sick just saying it, the sentence cloaked in your poorly hidden disguise as you fought your expression from changing.
"No worries. I get it." Sebastian plucked a biscuit off the porcelain plate between you. "That reminds me of my first time going to Hogsmeade in the third year, actually."
He began relaying a story to you about him and his friend, something about a permission slip not being signed, but you couldn't help but become distracted. Distracted by whatever mess was going on up in your brain.
"Do you know how hard it is to get anything done when all I can think about is my best friend kissing me?"
The dizzying words whipped around in your head like a sail in violent winds, and you tried your hardest to lower the mast. You looked at the daintily beautiful setup before you, aged tablecloth and intricate silverware, biscuits and jam placed effortlessly in the middle of it all. The whole scene seemed to mock you, really. The perfect setup for a date and yet your mind couldn't even seem to recognize that you were on one.
You somehow managed to refocus on what Sebastian was saying, him luckily having not noticed your wandering mind, and willed yourself to laugh and smile when appropriate. It wasn't his fault; his story was funny, or at least you thought it should've been on any other occasion.
"I've heard Vance tell about a million jokes to you and, trust me, you couldn't get a five-year-old to laugh at any one of them."
As those words rang through your head, you truly became angry. Angry at James for even having said them, but more so angry at yourself for even thinking of them during a time like this.
"And ever since then, his parents have had to send his permission slip directly to Dumbledore by owl." Sebastian finished his story with a nostalgic glint in his eye, and you hummed a laugh that you hoped sounded genuine enough. God, you were just awful.
For the rest of the date, time seemed to pass by slower and slower until you'd lost track of how many times you had to muster up a smile or calculate a laugh as your brain worked against you. But your method seemed like it was working well enough, and Sebastian seemed unbothered by your slight passiveness. It made you wonder how well you really knew each other.
The stuffiness of the shop was swelling and threatening the steady rhythm you'd made. Maybe you'd cooled off on the outside, but inside it felt like your mind was overheating and melting the rest of you until it made it difficult to breathe normally without focusing on that alone.
Maybe thirty minutes had gone by, or an hour, but it became a lot harder to focus on doing that when you watched as Sebastian went quiet and placed a soft hand on yours atop the table. You looked down at his fingers that encapsulated yours, a romantic gesture, surely, and then back at him. This time though, he had inched closer from across the round table and his gaze had gone soft and your heart had dropped in your chest because this was exactly what you thought would happenâDid he want to kiss you?
You panicked, you didn't know why, but you did. You pulled your hand from his swiftly and, in the blink of an eye, a crash and a painful clang rang out and suddenly there were shards of white porcelain all over the floor next to you.
You'd knocked over a teacup. Of course you had.
You panicked even more. "Oh my God," you cursed. "Crap."
You knelt down and began picking up the scattered pieces, but there were so many and your head was still spinning from earlier and you were thinking about someone else when Sebastian had tried to kiss you and suddenly your vision was blurring over.
Sebastian quickly got up from his seat and joined you in your effort to pick up the broken fragments of your cup. When they were all picked up and you placed them back down on the table, a mess next to the prettily stacked biscuits and jam, he frowned when he saw your distraught expression and teary eyes.
"Hey, are you hurt?" he questioned hurriedly. "Did you get cut?"
You shook your head. "No, I didn't." Your voice broke, and suddenly you really were crying again, surely causing a scene in the tea shop.
"Hey, it's okay," cooed Sebastian, some confusion lining his voice. "It's only a teacup. I'm sure Madam Puddifoot has hundreds of others."
You shook your head pathetically. "No, it's ... it's not that."
He regarded you for a moment. "Is it because I tried to kiss you?"
You didn't respond, maybe from embarrassment, or shame, or because of the effort of trying to stop yourself from crying, but Sebastian sighed.
"It is, isn't it?" He shook his head in his hand, elbow on the table. "I shouldn't have tried to kiss you. It's too early, and you're clearly upset-"
"It's alright, Sebastian." You wiped at your cheeks. "We're on a date in Madam Puddifoot's. That's what people do when they come here. This is all my fault really. This whole mess, it's my fault."
"It was only an accident," Sebastian reasoned, and at your shattered expression, he stopped himself. "Not about the teacup. Right."
You sat there in silence for a beat, peering at the physical mess you'd made as well.
"If you don't mind me asking," Sebastian began, "is this all about what happened this morning?"
Your heart stung in your chest for a moment at the thought of it. "Yeah... it is." You looked away, gathering yourself. "Just a thing with a friend. I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize," he told you, for what seemed like the thousandth time since you'd met him. He went silent for a second too, head tipped down before lifting it back up. He seemed to look at you then like he was seeing right through you. "The friend is Potter, isn't it?"
Your eyes snapped to him as your stomach churned and a wave of guilt washed over you. "How-" you gaped. "How did you know?"
"I just had a feeling." He shrugged. "Plus, you came in wearing his jacket, so I just figured."
Your lips parted and you spared a glance over at the worn brown coat draped over the back of your seat. The guilt seemed to drown you now, and all you wanted to do was hide in your dorm.
"Look," Sebastian began, and he looked surprisingly not angry. "I don't know what happened with Potter, but whatever it is, you should probably be with him right now. Not with me."
A premonition churned in your gut at his words. "I don't know if that's the best idea right now, if I'm being honest."
"Like I said, I don't know what's happened. But," he looked down at the shards of porcelain on the table between you, "you don't just go breaking tea cups over anyone."
You laughed then, or maybe it was a half-sob, but it wasn't calculated and it would've felt good, had the weight in your chest not been still weighing down on you.
"And," he continued. "He ... Potter ... the way he is around you ... you're obviously not just 'anyone' to him either."
At his words and the genuinely considerate look in his eyes, you felt aggravated at yourself. Here you were, sitting in a tea shop with the kind of guy any girl would dream of getting to have a first date with, and you'd ruined it.
"Thanks, Sebastian," you said, "but I can't ask you to talk about this with me. It's not fair to you." You stood up from your seat on shaky legs and took James's jacket in your hands. You didn't think you had it in you to put it on again, no matter how chilly it'd gotten outside. "And I hope you don't hate me for ruining this date."
Sebastian shook his head. "I don't. Trust me."
You smiled at him, though you were sure you still looked insane from all the crying you'd done. "Don't worry about walking me all the way back, I'll be alright. And I think I'd prefer to be alone right now anyway."
"Right." Sebastian tilted his head at you. "Is at least to the door alright?"
You gave in, because he was still so charming, and he placed a stack of coins on the table. You were sure there was some extra money there as well for the teacup you'd broken, and you couldn't even argue with him because you didn't know if you had it in you after the morning you'd had.
He opened the door and you both left, standing idly outside the shop, the wind still energetic and unforgiving.
"For what it's worth," Sebastian began before you could bid him goodbye. "I don't think anyone could ever hate you. Especially not Potter."
You swallowed, grateful for his words and also hating the way they settled in your throat. Before you could say anything more, he tipped his head at you in goodbye and walked off. Then you did too, though you really didn't have a plan of what you would do next.
Your body seemed to drag itself all the way back to Hogwarts. The walk was probably no more than ten or so minutes but it felt eternal as you'd spent every second of it trying to escape the acid rainstorm of your mind's muddied thoughts. That, along with trying not to cry for the third time that day.
Your footsteps pattered slowly into the empty common room and up the stairs to your equally empty dorm, and you remembered with a sigh that nearly everyone was still enjoying their day at Hogsmeade. It was a blessing and a curse, giving you some solitude but also meaning you wouldn't see your friends for hours.
You'd spent the rest of the day in bed, doing some homework from time to time but mainly just letting your mind wander wherever it wanted to because you didn't have the energy to stop itâthat meant you spent an aggravatingly long amount of time thinking about James.
You were angry at him, so angry, because he had all this time to tell you how he was feeling and didn't; not until you were about to go on a date with another boy, one that was ruined anyway.
But you were also frightened because you didn't know how you were supposed to come back from this. Your hands shook and your mind whirled as you realized that you'd have to speak to James again eventuallyâhe was your best friend. But the more you thought about it, you didn't even know if that could still be the case after everything that'd happened.
What if he hated you now? What if you'd ruined everything with him, just like you'd spent all those nights fearing you would, and you'd lost him for good? If there were answers to your questions, you weren't sure you wanted to hear them just yet.
Soon enough the door to your dorm rattled, the hours slipping past you in your state of worry, and Lily and Marlene appeared in the doorway. They still had the ghosts of laughter on their faces that paused at their noticing you.
"Hey you," Marlene sang, an expectant grin tugging at her lips. "So? How did it go?" When she entered the room far enough to notice you on your bed, still in your dress from earlier with your makeup surely ruined, she stilled. "Oh no." She put her bag down on the ground next to her.
Lily turned towards you both curiously. "What happened?"
You ran both of your hands over your face, grimacing as some of the mascara that'd run down your cheeks revealed itself on your fingers. " 'What didn't happen' is a better question, I suppose."
The two girls came to sit with you on your bed and, for the first time that day, you verbally went through all that had happened since you left their side that morning, including your mess of a date and all that James had said to you right before it. It took more effort than you would've liked just to keep your voice steady, but that didn't stop them both from giving you achingly sympathetic looks the whole time you spoke, mixed with both fury and shock. When you finished, you felt like you were out of breath. A silence vibrated through the air before either of them spoke.
"Are you okay?" Lily asked, and that question broke you just like you swore it would when it was asked to you earlier. You looked down at the dress you still wore, trying to fight off the emotion trying to claw its way up your throat, and Lily took you in her arms before it could. Marlene joined in then too and you let yourself be held by them as you felt like breaking.
They didn't rush or make any effort to pull away until you did, though you did after a moment, knowing there was more to talk about that they were too nice to pry over.
"We don't have to talk about it anymore if you don't want to." Marlene tipped her head at you concernedly.
You shook your head. "No, I'm alright now. I think." You shrugged. "And maybe talking about it will help."
The blonde nodded slowly. "So, what exactly did Potter say to you?"
You blinked slowly, finding it all too easy to recall the conversation. "He said that he hasn't been able to stop thinking about the kiss since it happened. And that it ... meant something to him."
Lily looked at you pensively. "And did you tell him about your feelings for him too?"
"I-" you went still, blinking at the redhead, who stared back at you with the slightest shadow of a smile toying at her lips. A mixture of both guilt and embarrassment clawed in your chest as you fought for words. "You knew?"
She tipped her head at you, the forgiving look she gave you speaking volumes, and you internally thanked Merlin for blessing you with the best friends in the bloody world.
"Of course I knew," she chided. "Anyone with a pair of eyes can see that you both are in love with each other."
At her choice of words something fluttered in your stomach uncomfortably.
"I wouldn't say love is the right word for whatever he says he feels for me," you responded. Lily and Marlene shared a loaded look from either side of you as you spoke dismissively. "Clearly it's not the same as how he feels about you, Lily."
"Yeah," she said, meaning a thousand dizzying things. "It's not."
She looked at you meaningfully then, and you found it hard to not wilt under her gaze. You shifted your eyes to somewhere else and felt even worse as they landed on the brown jacket that sat on the end of your bed. Like she noticed your thoughts right away, Marlene stood up and picked up the coat.
"I'm going to go get rid of this." When you lifted a weak brow at her she added, "I mean, return it to him."
Lily shook her head from next to you and you both watched your friend leave the dorm room. She gestured with her head for you to follow her as she got up and went into the bathroom. You did, scaring yourself as you got a glimpse of your appearance in the mirror. Your eyes were still tinted pink and your makeup was a mess.
Lily had you sit atop the toilet as she wet a towel and began wiping away at your cheeks. The fabric was warm on your skin, her touch light and gentle.
"So, what are you gonna do?" she asked the question as she stepped away to re-wet the cloth and you shrugged, already knowing what she was referring to.
"I don't know." You focused on the feeling of the towel on your face. "At this point, I think I'm just not meant for all this dating stuff. I mean, first with the rumors, and then with that girl harassing me about Sebastian in the library. I practically cried when he tried to kiss me, for Merlin's sake."
Lily paused her actions, skin going taught around her brows. "He tried to kiss you? When you were clearly upset?"
You looked down at your lap. "I was hiding my emotions the whole time, laughing at all his jokes. Maybe I felt bad for ruining the date, I don't know. All he did was lean slightly forward and I freaked out. If I'd been feeling better, I ... I would've wanted to. Kiss him, I mean. He was incredibly sweet the entire time, even after I cried and broke that tea cup. But all I could think about was bloody James the entire time."
"Well of course you were thinking about him." Lily stood back up fully and ran the towel she'd used underneath the sink. "He just dumped all this emotional stuff on you after hardly speaking to you all week. Of course you're going to be thinking about it."
You stared at her back. "So you don't think it means anything else?"
"Well," she turned back around and leaned against the sink. "Would you have been thinking about him even if he hadn't confessed to you this morning?"
Your mouth feathered open and then shut itself closed at her question, and you kept your gaze low. You could feel the answer your heart already knew fighting to make its way past your lips.
Before time forced an answer from you, the sound of Marlene's footsteps made their way into the bathroom as she re-entered your dorm. It took her a second to find the two of you before she was sticking her head in the bathroom.
"Lupin and Black are downstairs asking to see you." Your eyes subtly widened at her words automatically. "Don't worry, I'll tell them to fuck off."
"No," you stopped her. "I should talk to them." You felt peeved that the idea of seeing them made you so nervous; that was exactly what you didn't want to happen if things went wrong with James. "They aren't the reason for all this. They're still my friends." You stood up. "And maybe they're not even gonna ask about James."
As soon as you went down the stairs to the common room with Marlene and Lily in tow, your hopes were easily shattered. The two boys sat at the couch in front of the now crackling fireplace that filled the room with warm light and turned towards you with foreboding expressions.
"What the hell happened between you and James?"
You would've been mad at Sirius's frankness, but you were at least grateful they both weren't looking at you with painful sympathy like everyone else that day had. You could always count on them for that.
"Hello to you too."
The completely sober looks on their faces were something you weren't used to seeing, making you slow your steps as you sat down on one of the seats next to them. Marlene and Lily stood on either side of you like security guards.
"Seriously," Sirius insisted. "James has never been like this before. We don't even know where he is right now."
"He's probably out on the Quidditch pitch." Your voice came as a surprise to you as the words left your lips, small but steadily confident. You ignored the way they looked at you. "I thought James would have told you all what happened by now."
"He did," said Remus, and you felt your heart picking up in your chest. "But that doesn't mean we're not confused about it."
You stared hardly back at them both. "I'm just as confused about it as you guys are, alright?"
"Well, maybe you should go and talk to him," Sirius insisted. "He's pretty upset."
"And?" Marlene scoffed from behind you. "Are you saying that it's her fault?"
Sirius glared at the girl behind you. "All we're saying is that James disappeared after we got off the carriage, and the next time we saw him he looked like he'd been crying. Crying for Merlin's sake."
A feeling unidentifiable knawed at youâsomething like surprise, something like guiltâand you looked down at your lap, hating yourself but also hating the situation more.
Marlene only groaned. "Oh come on. You really think it's fair to be trying to make her feel bad for poor Potter after all that's happened?"
You looked with trepidation at the faces of your two friends on the couch and then turned to look at her. "Marlene..." you coaxed, but she just took a step forward to stand next to you.
"No, I mean it." She pointed a finger at Sirius and Remus. "You lot have some nerve wailing about Potter's bloody feelings to her. You weren't the ones who had to comfort her every time she came back heartbroken, practically in tears, over Potter's sheer blindness at the amazing girl right in front of him. And you definitely weren't the ones fighting off feral girls who decided to harass her in the library over the bloody rumors everyone is spreading. But you didn't even know about that, did you?"
You felt heat rushing to your face the more she spoke, but you didn't think she was anywhere near finished. In all the chaos from the last day, you hadn't told them anything about the library incident. You also hadn't ever truly discussed your feelings for James with them, but that was more your own fault than theirs, you supposed. You looked over at your friends' faces again and they were peering at you quizzically. You felt too much like hiding.
"So what if Potter's upset?" Marlene continued, voice truly raising now. "He has no right to be. Not after he went and ruined her date with Vance all because the boy has bloody awful timing. It's right selfish if you ask me. She deserves better."
When she finished, you'd all gone quiet, but not for any reason you would've hoped. You looked up with dread and found the face of the boy that'd been replaying endlessly in your mind the entire morning. You felt your breathing shallow in your chest at the sight of him.
James was standing there near the door of the common room, brown hair wet from the shower he'd probably taken after going out on the Quidditch pitchâjust as you'd predicted he wouldâand his chest rose and fell beneath a fresh white T-shirt. Despite that, he didn't look like he'd been doing much better than you, and you could see the weight behind his eyes even from where you sat.
He'd heard Marlene's words, no doubt, but the question was how much he'd heard. You prayed with all your might that he hadn't been witness to her words about you crying over him in your dorm. Your cheeks were heating and you wanted to curse Marlene but couldn't, firstly because you loved her to pieces and secondly because you couldn't help but think over her words and find that she wasn't completely wrong. But that didn't mean staring at James right then was any easier.
He scanned over a now silent Marlene from beside you, probably Lily as well, and then you. An ocean of thoughts and painful images of words shared through raised voices rippled unforgiving through your head. His expression revealed little to nothing, but you knew he was thinking about the same things you were.
The air was thick with words unsaid, or maybe with the words that were said, you couldn't be sure, but you found it hard to breathe. Your lips parted, but you said nothing. He didn't either, his jaw ticking before he broke his painful gaze away from you and stalked off up the stairs and to his dorm, out of sight.
You felt like you could breathe again, albeit with some strain, but the atmosphere didn't become any less tense.
"Look," Sirius began, and you didn't know how much more conversation you could take. "We-, and don't blow up at us again McKinnon," he gave her a pointed but nervous look. "Me and Remus haven't been there for everythingâyou're right. But we've also seen things from James's side. He's more confused than he's probably been about anything in his life, and it's not for just any reason. He's scared." He looked pointedly at you, and you'd never seen him so serious. "And we know you are too. I get that. But if this is how things are going to be from now on, we can't just sit here and let it happen."
"What do you want me to do?" You almost begged as your exasperation began to bleed through to your voice. "Just march up there and tell him I'm ready to be with him?" The way they were staring back at you made you think they were about to tell you 'yes.'Â You let a stressed breath out, shaking your head. "It's not that easy. I wish it was, but it's not, alright?"
When they said nothing back, you continued. "I've been hurting over these ... feelings ... for years. He doesn't just get to realize he liked it when we kissed a week ago and have me. It can't work like that."
A dull silence rippled through the room before anyone said anything more.
Remus sighed and looked straight at you, his eyes achingly genuine. "At the end of the day, you and James are still best friends. You've been attached at the hip since you were kids. See how long you last trying to avoid each other."
You swallowed and your stomach almost seemed to hurt at the sound of Remus's words. You didn't know what to say back to him, but you didn't need to, because soon the portrait door was opening again and Peter strolled in, looking like he was walking atop clouds.
"Hey you guys," he greeted, a smile gracing his face with his hands in his pockets. "My date went spectacularly. We even went to- is something wrong?" Peter studied each of your expressions and you felt horrible at the fact that you'd forgotten all about him and his date. He frowned over at you. "What did I miss?"
You sighed. You didn't even know how to begin to answer that question.
summary - In all the excitementâor horror, to youâof the week, including the rumors that were still spreading rapid-fire around school, or your supposed best friend James's mysteriously terrible mood, you'd almost forgotten: the time had finally come for you to go on your date in Hogsmeade.
wc [5.0k]
all chapters | <- Chapter 9 - Chapter 11 ->
Maybe your best friend's unexplainable foul mood had been the reason that sleep came difficult to you that night, or maybe it was the fact that the clock in your brain was counting down until the time the sun would rise. The time when morning would come and you'd take that carriage ride over to Hogsmeade with the boys like you'd promised, and have to find Sebastian to go on your date with him. Your date. It still didn't feel real.
You didn't know if anything you'd done in the past could truly be qualified as an official date, one you could refer back to that morning as you finally saw sunlight through your window and knew you'd have to get ready. Luckily, you had two of the best girls you knew for friends, and they were set on helping you.
"I'm telling you, it's the first dress." Marlene nodded her head at you with wide, excited eyes, as you held two different dresses still on hangers up to your neck. "I mean are you kidding? It's one hundred percent your color, and you look sexy as hell in it."
Your jaw dropped at her antics. "Marlene," you cooed nervously.
"I mean it. Sebastian's not gonna be able to keep his hands off of you when he sees you."
You covered your face with your hands, half because you were embarrassed, and half because you didn't need Lily and Marlene to see you spiraling at the thought of what Marlene had just suggested. You'd been so caught up with, well, everything going on, that you hadn't even considered what going on a date truly entailed. What if he wanted to kiss you?
"Then you kiss him back," Marlene said easily as you voiced your question aloud. She stopped herself. "But only if you want to, of course."
"Yeah," Lily agreed, placing down a pair of nice shoes with a short but elegant heel on them that you'd forgotten you'd owned on the floor next to you. "Only do something if you want to do it. Don't let him pressure you into doing anything you don't want to. Even if it's as simple as holding your hand."
"Thank you guys, I know." You set the dress you were planning on wearing on the bed beside you, fiddling with the hanger pensively. "Holding his hand would be nice, I think." You chewed on the inside of your cheek, sitting down on the blanketed mattress. "To be honest, I don't know what I want." The two girls came to stand closer to you as you spoke. "I mean, Sebastian's a great guy and all, but do I even know him all that well?" Your mind traveled back to all the interactions you'd had with him. "What if I only said yes to go out with him because he asked me during the middle of that prank and I panicked and-"
"You need to relax," Lily said, voice firm but comforting at the same time. "You're just freaked out because it's the morning of. You're gonna have a great time." She shrugged a shoulder. "And if things don't click, then it wasn't meant to be. It's not the end of the world. "
"Exactly," the blonde said from next to her. "Don't let Potter's nonsense-spewing mouth ruin this date for you."
You'd filled them in the night before on all that'd been going on with James for the past few days, minus the few intimate 'almosts' that you'd shared with him that'd been dangerously playing in your mind even when you begged them to stop.
"Trust me," you said. "I'm trying not to."
"I still can't believe he's acting like this." Lily shook her head agitatedly. "And just when I was starting to think he might be maturing."
You nodded grievingly. "I would defend his honor to you, Lily, but I don't feel much like doing that right now."
"Maybe it's for the best." She breathed out a dry laugh. "Anyways, I suppose," she sighed. "Are you finished in the bathroom? I need to use the loo."
You snorted. "Yeah, all yours."
She shot you an overly excited grin and slipped into the bathroom, the door shutting behind her. All the while, Marlene took a seat on the bed next to you, something glimmering behind her eyes that told you she had ideas she wanted to voice.
You stared at her half amusedly, half hesitantly. "What is it?"
"Did you ever think, during all your bickering, why Potter has such a problem with you going on this date?"
You sighed. That was all you could think about. You tipped your head at her, knowing where this conversation was going to lead. "Yeah," you said plainly. "Because he's set on the five of us spending every Hogsmeade trip together until we die."
"Or maybe," she argued, "it's because he's jealous."
You dropped your shoulders, shaking your head as you stared at her. "You're not serious."
The blonde stared back at you with an equal amount of fire. "I so am."
You laughed to yourself, perhaps deprecatingly. "The only thing James could be jealous about is the free butterbeer I'll probably be getting."
"Don't be dense."
"I'm not being dense. I'm being realistic." You puffed out a breath. "I know James. Well enough to know that, after we ..." you trailed off. "After the party, when he disappeared, he was freaked out because I'd scared him off. And he knows me too. I didn't have to tell him for him to figure out that I'd ... felt something for him. Something that he obviously was uncomfortable talking about, so I've spared him the trouble and moved on. That's the end of it." You picked up the dress you'd laid on the bed as you heard Lily washing her hands in the bathroom. "It has to be."
Marlene regarded you for a few seconds, maybe scoping out how genuine you were. "Like you said," she shrugged, "you know him best."
You nodded, ending the conversation as Lily exited the bathroom. Though the more this week went on, you believed that fact less and less.
You soon were leaving the sides of both Lily and Marlene after the walk down to the horseless carriages in front of the school, dozens of them stationed there to take everyone down to Hogsmeade.
The air was especially crisp for a September evening, making you think to yourself that maybe bringing a jacket would have been a smart choice, especially in the dress you were wearing, but your brain soon became occupied by other thoughts. Thoughts that were centered around the sight of your four friends standing around an unoccupied carriage in the distance, probably waiting for you.
You took a breath in, and then another one. You were completely devoted to ensuring this would be a drama-free carriage ride, no matter what, or who, tried to stop that from happening. You made your way over to the four boys, two of their backs turned to you. You tapped the long-haired one, of course Sirius, on the shoulder.
"You didn't think you were going to leave without me, did you?" you smirked up at him.
He had a wry smile on his face as he turned to you, surely ready with a quip to send back your way, but that smile left as he saw you, his eyes quickly scanned over you.
"Wow," he blanched. Then a sparkling grin took over his features. "You certainly clean up nice."
You crinkled your forehead at his remark and amused smirk until Remus cut in. "What he means is," corrected the sandy-haired boy from next to him. "You look beautiful. Seriously."
You felt your face begin to heat at the four pairs of eyes all now observing you as you stood there in your dress. You were surprised they weren't poking more fun at you than just Sirius's single obvious remark. You couldn't remember the last time you were this dressed up in front of them.
"Thanks," you muttered gratefully. "Now stop gushing and let's get a move on, yeah?"
Remus shook his head at your reaction but hid his laugh, taking an effortless step onto the high carriage, Peter quietly behind him. Sirius made a move to ruffle your hair, which you dodged easily and shot him a glare. He chuckled, making his way over to the carriage as well. That left only you and James.
You turned to him finally, expecting him to be avoiding your eyes as he'd done for the past few days, but instead found him looking straight at you, hazel eyes and all. You didn't know what to do under his gaze which you'd grown somewhat unused to, so you settled on doing nothing at all. You were still holding your grudge over how he'd been acting and weren't quick to forget about it. You were fully expecting him to do the same and say nothing to you at all.
"You do," he said suddenly, and at the confused quirk of your brow, softly added, "Look beautiful, I mean."
You paused, somewhat taken aback by both his words and the genuine tinge of his eyes. You didn't know how James could hold eye contact so easily, especially when he'd been so set on doing just the opposite lately.
"Oh," you voiced quietly, and couldn't help the way the corners of your lips tilted upwards. "Thanks."
He nodded wordlessly and the two of you turned back to the carriage that held your three other friends, clearly able to hear and see your conversation. You eyed the tall wooden floor of the carriage before you and then the high cut of your dress, and then your shoes. As if reading your mind, a firm hand held itself out in front of you.
You peaked your head over to the source of the hand: James, who looked at you expectantly, a certain air to him that was both light and heavy. You regarded him and his hand for a split second, deciding there was no harm in taking it, and did, your fingers slipping over his steadying palm as you took the large step into the carriage. And maybe you were imagining it, but you felt the ghost of his fingers delicately shadowing your lower back as you steadied yourself into your seat, James following from behind.
He sat across from you and you avoided looking at him as you fought reacting to the feeling that ran through you, like you were still on some kind of high from his touch. It only made you mad to think about, so you decided not to, looking elsewhere instead as the carriage began moving seemingly on its own.
It'd only taken a few moments for the Hogwarts castle to be only a beautiful shrinking sight in the distance, and for the scenery of the early fall to take over your senses instead. You were sat in front of James, who sat next to Peter, the blonde looking rather sickly and lost in troubling thoughts.
"Pete," you called curiously. "You alright? You look pale."
The boy in question turned to you with worry behind his eyes, but he only nodded. "Yeah, I'm great," he said, voice rather shaky for someone who was 'great.'
"He's just nervous about his date." Sirius reached across the carriage to pat Peter on his shoulder, shaking him a little in his frail state. "You've got nothing to be worried about, mate."
"Yeah, Sirus is right," you agreed. "Remember, she asked you out because she wanted to spend time with you as you already are. Just be yourself."
Sirius nodded, before shifting his focus to you. "And what about you? You nervous for your date with Vance?"
You shrugged. "Maybe before, but I think I'm alright now." You smiled thinly. "I already talked it out with Lily and Marlene in our dorm getting ready."
"So that's what you ladies do up there?" Sirius asked, and you frowned. "Thought there'd be more pillowfights in your underwear."
You made a nauseated expression as Sirius grinned at his own joke. "You're disgusting," you scolded, though Peter had let a smile overtake his face at the joke and you figured maybe it was worth it.
Remus was shaking his head as well from next to you, the corners of his mouth teasing upwards. You turned forward again, James straight in your line of vision, but it didn't even seem he was listening to the conversation at hand, head aimed out the side of the carriage. He looked more distant than ever as he sat tensely and you had to fight the urge to reach out to him. You knew all too well what would come from that.
You let your focus slip onto other things, like the wind that was brushing against your exposed arms and moving your hair slightly in the wind. You fought a shiver, bringing your hands up to rub at the sides of your armsâyou were sure you had goosebumps.
For the second time that morning, like he was reading your mind, you watched as James held out his arm towards you, though this time he was holding something in his hand instead: his coat. It was brown on the outside, a light jacket that was lined with a soft flannel fabric, one that you always thought looked dashing on him. He looked at you expectantly, waiting for you to take it.
You faltered from surprise and then shook your head. "I'm alright," you said softly, pursing your lips.
"You're practically shivering," James pointed out, tipping out his chin at you. "Just take it."
"I don't want to take your own jacket from you, James. It's chilly."
"Exactly," he said, catching you in your lie. "And you're not taking it from me, I'm giving it to you."
You looked up from the jacket he was offering, if you could call it an offer, and at him, seeing the stubborn hold of his jaw and yet the sincere gloss of his eyes. Because you knew he wouldn't let you say no anyway now that you'd admitted it was chilly, you took it from his hand.
You wrapped the too-big coat over your shoulders, grateful but perhaps hateful of the way it immediately warmed you like the lighting of a fireplace. It smelt warm and comforting like a fireplace too, or maybe that was just the fact that it was James's jacket and he always smelled strangely nice. You blinked at yourself, chasing away your thoughts that were certainly not appropriate, considering you were currently on your way to a date with a different boy.
In all your thinking, it was like you could feel a pair of eyes on you. You looked up again, but James already had gone back to staring out at the moving scenery. You couldn't read him right then, and if there was anything you'd learned about James from all the years you'd known him, it was that you could always read him, even when others couldn't. The fact that you hadn't been able to read him for days was worrying you sick and setting you off all at once. You just wished you could get inside his head.
You sighed, your eyes shifting over to Remus, who was giving you the oddest of looks. The corners of his eyes crinkled, though his lips stayed shut together. You raised a brow and he only shrugged, looking away again. You really needed to get inside that boy's head, too.
Before you could even mull over the different possibilities of ways that your up-and-coming date could go wrong, a habit of your mind that you hated, the carriage had pulled up into Hogsmeade. It came to a slow stop next to the uniquely shaped brick buildings you'd become all too familiar with over the years. That didn't take away from the excitement bubbling inside your stomachâor maybe that was nervousness; you couldn't tell anymore.
All five of you exited the carriage, James offering you his hand again as you took the big step onto the ground. You were growing too frustrated to even consider the feeling of your hand in his larger one that somehow was still as warm as the jacket you wore. How he could be so sweet yet so aggravatingly aloof you didn't know, but you forced your mind off the topic once again. Only, you couldn't force thoughts of James away completely, because he was calling your name as soon as you'd walked past him.
Your head turned to him so swiftly it almost made you dizzy. He was standing there along the side of a building you identified as The Three Broomsticks, hands now shoved into his trouser pockets with his head slightly tipped forward, though he stood up straighter as you made your way to him.
"Yeah?" you questioned, and maybe your tone was testy, but you didn't have it in you to alter it for his sake.
James shifted his footing underneath your gaze, taking a moment before speaking. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry."
The pull of your brows let up at his words and you observed his facial expressions shamelessly, sorting through what to say. Luckily, he spoke again before you could.
"I'm sorry for making you take the carriage ride into Hogsmeade with the rest of us. You should've just gone with your date. I was just in an ... off mood last night. Didn't mean to take it out on you."
And just like that, the hope you were harboring when James had first uttered the word 'sorry' had bubbled and churned inside of you until all that was left was dissatisfaction.
"Is that all?" you questioned.
James's lips parted. "What?"
"I mean, I'm grateful for your apology," you breathed the word like it left a foul taste in your mouth. "But is there anything else you'd like to talk about? Apologize for?"
James scratched his head almost comically, and you laughed without any humor as you began to turn around. Before you could take a single step, James grasped your wrist in his fingertips, and you fought not to notice how feather-light he held onto you.
"Like what?" he asked you, and at your stone expression he dropped your hand. "Please," he insisted.
You swallowed and shrugged up your shoulders irritatedly. "Oh, I don't know James, maybe the fact that you've been acting 'off' this whole week and won't say a word as to why?" You took the hand he'd held and put it to your forehead. "I've probably asked you if you were okay about a dozen times and all you can say to me is that you're 'fine' when you're clearly ticked off."
"Because that's the truth," James insisted.
"Please," you remarked. "It's not the truth. Don't lie to me, James. I know you. Better than anyone else, and I know when you're upset about something."
"I'm not upset, alright?" James squinted at you. "Why can't you just let it go?"
"Because!" You took a breath in, trying to calm yourself because this was not the drama-free morning you wanted to have. "Because, every time I've been down, which has been too many times to count, you've been there for me. Always."
You thought back to the night you realized you loved him as more than just a friend, when he'd comforted you through your tears so quickly and sweetly, and it only made you feel more exasperated.
"So I'm not just going to 'let it go' when something's so obviously bothering you, enough to make you act completely differently to the point where you won't even talk to me." You paused, noticing the sinking in James's gaze the more you spoke. "And quite frankly," you continued, "it hurts like hell that you don't think you can tell me what's been going on, because you can. We're supposed to be best friends, remember?"
James let out a low breath, somewhere between a laugh and a scoff that had your forehead pulling. "Trust me, I remember."
"Then why the hell won't you just talk to me?" Your palms were facing him, telling him it was his move, his turn to try and fix things.
"Because there's nothing to say." He'd thrown away his turn without a second glance, running a fast hand through his hair. "God, this was a mistake. Every time I talk to you, I just-" he stopped himself.
Your heart was beating hard in your chest. "You just what?"
James shook his stubborn head, a muscle in his jaw noticeably flexing. "Nothing, alright?" He looked upwards, like he was battling something greater than him, and began walking towards wherever the hell James Potter went when he didn't want to talk to you. You weren't going to let him.
"How long are you going to keep doing this for, James?" He halted his steps, turning his head back towards you with a rigid look in his eyes. "How long are you going to avoid me?"
"Avoid you?" he laughed, and you froze. "That's rich, coming from you of all people."
You clamped your jaw shut for a beat, blinking at him as your mind started to spin. "What are you talking about?"Â You knew exactly what he was talking about.
"I'm talking about when you were avoiding me just a few days ago. Ring a bell?"
You lowered your gaze, confidence stuttering. You didn't respond.
"I mean, you wouldn't even partner with me Defense Against the Dark Arts, for Merlin's sake."
"That was different," you argued, though you were ashamed of how pathetic the words sounded coming from your lips.
"How?" James asked, staring at you fearlessly now with raised, expectant brows and an unmoving jaw.
"It ... it just is!" You looked away. "We're getting off track. My point was that ... I just miss you, James." The irony of your warm words contrasted with the angry shake of your lips didn't escape you. "I miss the James who wouldn't push me away every time I tried to have a conversation with him, or who wouldn't act like a bloody child every time I mention I'm going on a date."
If you thought you saw a crack of guilt racking James's expression, there was no trace of it now.
"Oh yeah?" he questioned, his tone colder than you'd ever heard it. "I'm sorry I don't like talking about your beloved Sebastian every five minutes."
"Well it's not like I can talk to you about anything else, can I?" Your heart was thumping in your chest and you felt like crying. "You know what?" You chewed on the inside of your cheek, turning away. "I give up! Let's just talk whenever you're ready to be honest with me."
Your back was to him when he shouted, "You want me to be honest?" You scoffed, nodding your head. "That's what you want?" he repeated.
"Yes James!" you shouted. "That's exactly what I want!"
"Well then, fine!" He wiped a desperate hand over his face, throwing up his arms. "We kissed, alright?"
Your heart sizzled somewhere in your chest beneath your stilled lungs, every part of you halting its movements. Your expression fell slowly and you blinked at him, staring wordlessly for a moment. "What?"
James stared back at you, looking at you more than he'd looked at you in the past week altogether. The opposite of yours, his chest heaved up and down like he'd been fighting for air and could only now come up for oxygen. He didn't look like he'd misspoken and that scared you more than anything.
"We kissed. Last week. At the party."
Your lips hung, parted and confused. "What are you-"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about. We kissed, and you ran off, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since."
Your eyes felt like they had a mind of their own, scanning rapidly over James and then looking at the ground, your heeled shoes, anywhere but at him because your world was shifting around you, the walls of what you thought you knew crumbling down on you.
You swallowed, throat going dry. "James," you voiced carefully. "That kiss was ..." you shook your head. "We were playing a game."
Maybe he would take the slowness of your words for sureness rather than struggle, because that along with seemingly every other emotion was what you were feeling inside.
"No, c'mon. Don't do that." James shook his head back at you and you felt like running away, but you couldn't now. Not when he was looking at you like that. "Don't try and make it seem like that was all it was, because it wasn't. Not for me, and I know it meant more to you too."
The cool breeze from before had picked up and was turning into an inexorable wind that made you feel worse than you already did. Could he see the way you had to stop yourself from shaking? Hear the way you willed your heartbeat to stop pounding? Clearly not, because he kept talking.
"For days, weeks even, all that's been on my mind was you. Do you know how hard it is to get anything done when all I can think about is my best friend kissing me?"
You felt dizzy with the way he was staring into your eyes. Like you'd voiced to yourself a million times, how James held eye contact so effortlessly was a mystery you'd never find the answer to.
"And I know you said you wanted to just pretend like the kiss never happened, but you should know that I can't do that, alright? Trust me. I've tried, and obviously that didn't work." He ran a hand through his tousled hair again. "So I just ... I need you to say something to me. Anything."
You willed yourself to speak again, blood rushing past your ears now. "I ... I don't know what to say. It was a part of a game."
James practically flinched. "Anything but that." He breathed out a laugh without any chest, tipping his head back and taking steps around. "God."
You still felt like crying, because nothing was making sense. Then James refocused on you, and you felt pinned underneath his gaze.
"You can tell me it was part of a game however many times you want." His words were achingly slow and desperate. "But tell me ... just tell me you didn't feel anything when we kissed. That it meant absolutely nothing to you, and I'll stop talking. I promise."
You knew he meant what he said; you could see it all through his hazel eyes. You'd asked for honesty and you'd gotten it. You knew that you couldn't lie to him anymore, and you said your truth with your voice was on the verge of breaking.
"I can't." Even if your voice shook, James heard it loud and clear. He stopped moving and stepped closer to you whether he noticed or not. "But that doesn't mean it can mean anything now."
If it was possible, he went even more still. His eyes pleaded with you to say more to him, so you did. "It's not fair, James." Your voice broke off, and James took both your hands in his, and held them tight near his chest, like hope pumped through them.
"What? What's not fair, Love?"
You flinched at the name you hadn't heard in seemingly forever, but it pinched at the part of your brain that remembered it vividly. You didn't know how this moment was real. You looked down at his hands that engulfed yours. "It's not fair that it meant something, because it can't."
You pretended not to notice the way James's hands loosened their hold. "Not when-" your voice hitched at the sign of your eyes blurring despite how much you'd willed them not to. "Not after I spent monthsâyears, evenâtrying to make every interaction between us mean something. After I spent all that time trying to get over you! It- it's not fair, and I won't do it. I won't."
You shook your head timidly and repeatedly like it would stop what was happening. You didn't know when you and James had moved away from each other, probably somewhere between your voice breaking and your eyes watering, but you had. But that wasn't was most important.
James had gone eerily still, painfully silent. That didn't change the fact that his unforgiving eyes continued to search what seemed like every inch of your face. His voice rang out lowly.
"Get over me?" His heavy brows furrowed in hurt and bewilderment. "Wh-" he choked. "What do you mean 'get over me'?"
You put a hand to your head, amused in your disbelief. "Like you haven't known."
James took a persistent step forward, the pinch between his brows desperate. "What the hell are you talking about?"
This all felt like a bad dream you couldn't wake up from. You forced yourself to breathe. "I really can't do this right now, I-" You didn't think you could do it ever. You pulled at the hem of your dress. "I have a date."
Even with the wind whipping against you both, you'd never heard a silence like the one you did right then.
"You're really still going on that date?" James peered at you interrogatingly, his eyes slightly red now, and it killed you.
"What am I supposed to do, James?"
You wiped at your nose. James's hands were elevated at his sides like he wanted to reach out to you, but didn't. He looked like he didn't know what he wanted to do, but he didn't stop.
"You can't just go running away all because ..." he panted, "because..." His voice trailed off.
You wanted to shout at him that all you'd done since forever was stop yourself from running away, but you didn't. It wasn't his fault you'd tortured yourself all these years. But that didn't mean he could get his happy ending with the snap of his fingers, either.
Just to twist the knife in your chest, he whispered, "Please."
You dropped your gaze low to the cobblestone ground beneath your feet, blurry now through your lashes. "I need to go." The sight of him standing before you, eyes watery and lips parted helplessly, sent painful pangs through your heart. You moved your head, willing yourself to turn away and your legs to move. You didn't think you could leave if you looked him in the eyes. "I'm sorry."
Those same eyes followed you as you walked down the path, head hung low but steps quickening despite. Steps taken in the direction of The Three Broomsticks, where you'd go on your date with Sebastian. Your mind kicked and screamed at you at every step, but you couldn't get them to stop.
You felt James's eyes on your retreating form like you felt the wind snapping against your cheeks, though you didn't turn back to look at him. That way, he wouldn't be able to see the way your expression shook at the effort of just trying to keep yourself together.
summary - after the whirlwind of emotions that you'd felt in the past few days, and with James's odd mood definitely not being of any help, all you wanted was some peace and clarity. Though, it didn't seem like you'd be getting much of that any time soon with how things were looking around school.
wc [4.5k]
a/n: the biggest thank u to everyone who has been sticking w/ this story and supporting it!! it means the world to me, + i cannot wait to keep at it and get the last few chapters out đ¤very exciting times ahead
all chapters | <- Chapter 8 - Chapter 10 ->
You'd seen so little of James the rest of the day you'd think he was walking around wearing a bloody invisibility cloak. You tried not to jump to conclusions as to why he was acting the way he was, but that seemed impossible when your mind kept replaying each moment you shared with him in the locker room like you were making a stop-motion film from it.
The fact was troubling, especially because of the other blaring fact that you had a big History of Magic exam coming up that you desperately needed to study for. You'd decided a study session in the library was exactly what you needed to get your mind cleared and focus on eighteenth-century goblin rebellions, but your solution wasn't proving so successful.
Maybe you were still paranoid from the broom closet rumor incident, but you could've sworn people were giving you weird looks. You'd only been sitting at your table on the far side of the library for maybe twenty minutes and had to stop what you were doing three times because you had the feeling people were staring at youâwhich you were proved right about every time, looking up and meeting a pair of eyes that would glance over you once before turning away, a matching pair of lips whispering something to an equally nosy friend that you couldn't make out.
Each time it happened that feeling in your stomach would sink deeper and deeper until it made it too hard to even focus on the books in front of you at all. You shut your textbook maybe too loudly, bracing your head in your hands for a minute in frustration. When you looked back up, you met the eyes of a Slytherin girl from afar. She was giving you what you could only interpret as a dirty look, though she wasn't so quick to look away.
You looked over your shoulder, like an idiot, thinking maybe she was staring at someone behind you, but the only thing in your sight was more books on a shelf. Your gut was churning, a feeling that only got more intense as you watched her get up from where she was sitting and march over to you like she meant business.
"Hey," she greeted, though her greeting was anything but inviting, her darkly painted lips a thin line against her pale complexion.
You creased your forehead up at her. "Hi?"
"I don't know if you've noticed," she began, practically snarling, "but everyone's getting pretty sick of you going around acting like you can do whatever the hell you want."
"Excuse me?" You blinked at her, entirely lost. She only stared down at you, nostrils flared with a cringe-worthy hand on her hip. You turned halfway back to the closed textbook in front of you. "Sorry, I think you've got the wrong person."
She scoffed. "You're dating Sebastian Vance, are you not?"
You paused, taken aback. "I- ..." You opened your mouth and then closed it. Were you dating him? He did ask you on a date, but that didn't mean you were really dating him, did it? The girl didn't even give you time to answer her, let alone figure it out for yourself.
"Yeah, you are. And you're also the girl who's been sneaking around hooking up with Potter every other day, correct?"
Your jaw dropped along with your stomach. You were rendered speechless for a second, mind racing a mile a minute as this random girl peered at you like you were some dirty gunk stuck to the table with a cruel expression. You rolled your eyes. "Look, I don't know who you are, and I also don't know what the hell you're on about."
"Yeah, sure," she spat. "Well, you should know that it's bloody trampy of you to be going around hogging Vance from the rest of us when you're so set on fooling around with Potter."
"'Hogging Vance?'Â What-"
"Hey, Ashthorn!"
The girl snapping at you whipped her head in the direction of the voice from behind you, luckily rescuing you from the one-sided conversation you'd been forced into. In no time, the voice grew louder and you recognized with a relieved smile Marlene and Lily making their way over to where you sat.
The blonde put a hand on the back of your chair, sharp eyes glued in front of her. "Why don't you slither away to your other horndog friends until you figure out what the bloody hell you're talking about?"
The girl, or Ashthorn, as Marlene had called her, contorted her features crudely. "Bugger off, McKinnon."
Lily crossed her arms from beside Marlene. "Professor McGonagall is right down the hallway. Do you want us to go get her for you?" The redhead took an authoritative step forward. "If not, I can deduct points from Slytherin fine myself."
Ashthorn crossed her arms over her chest too, eyeing the prefect and seething blonde standing beside her. You'd never been so thankful for having such intimidating friends.
She scoffed, seemingly deciding the argument wasn't worth whatever punishment Lily had in store. "Whatever."
With a final nasty look at you and the two girls behind you, she stomped off and out of the library. You released the tension that'd spread to your shoulders and let out a breath you didn't know you were holding in.
"What a bitch." Marlene rounded the table so you could better see her. "I knew she was crazy, but not total batshit crazy."
Lily gave her a look, but you saw her holding back a smile. She turned to you concernedly. "Are you alright?"
You nodded, finally feeling like you could think clearly. Then, you remembered all the stares you'd been getting, and the full-blown argument you'd just had in the middle of the library certainly didn't help. You felt dozens of eyes still lingering on you, like they were insects crawling on flesh. You must've looked visibly uncomfortable because in no time Lily and Marlene were packing your bags away for you and having you follow them out of the library.
"How did you guys know I'd be in the library?" you took your bags back from them, smiling gratefully.
"You're not exactly a difficult girl to find," Marlene shrugged. "We knew you'd either be in our dorm or off in the library as soon as we heard that bloody rumor."
Your feet halted in their tracks, a painstakingly familiar alarm blaring in your head. "What rumor?" you panicked. "The one about the broom closet?"
"Not the broom closet one." Lily shook her head horrifyingly. "The locker room one."
"Oh no. No no no." You ran a stressed hand through your hair. "What are people saying now?" The crowded feeling of your heart beating in your chest told you that you weren't sure you truly wanted to hear the answer.
"Well," Marlene began cautiously. "It's ridiculous, but my brother heard from his friends in the second year that you and Potter got caught snogging in the boys' locker room without shirts on."
"What?"Â Your eyes widened until you felt as if your eyes could fall out of your head any minute, dropping to the floor along with your stomach and your pride.
Marlene shook her head. "I know. I don't know how they come up with these things, really."
You bit the inside of your cheek, averting your eyes as your brain racked backward to that morning. "I guess it's not entirely far off from the truth."
Lily's jaw dropped. "It's not?"
"It's not true, obviously," you began hurriedly, placating your friends' petrified stares. You lowered your voice to a whisper, paranoid but rightfully so. "I was in the locker rooms with him this morning. There was no ... no snogging. None of that."
Marlene raised a brow at you. "So then where did the 'topless' part come from?"
You fought against the heat rising into your face. "Well, I wasn't topless, of course. God." You lowered your voice and your head. "But James was." You hurried to add, "But only because he'd just come from playing Quidditch outside."
"Oh, Love." Marlene sighed, a hand reaching for her forehead. "At this point, you're doing it to yourself."
Lily slapped at her arm. "What she means is," she eyed Marlene. "Even though these people are boring and awful for having nothing better to do than obsess over some dumb rumors, it's hard to explain why you and Potter keep ending up in these ... situations. Ones where he's topless nonetheless."
You averted your gaze, beginning to walk again. "Yeah, it is hard to explain. I wish I could tell you the answer myself." You sighed. "I've been trying to steer clear of being around him too much because of-" you stopped yourself, remembering the feelings for James you'd avoided speaking to the redhead about all year. "-Because of all the rumors. But he just has seemed off lately, and I wanted to check up on him. That's all. But I suppose even that's social suicide since the world has it out for me and loves seeing me holed up in my dorm since that's where I'll be hiding for the rest of the year."
Marlene reeled, tipping her head at you dramatically. "Don't be ridiculous. You can't let these thirsty idiots win."
"Win what?" You threw your hands down at your sides tiredly. "I don't want to be in some competition I didn't even sign up for."
"Don't think of it as a competition." Lily shook her head from next to you. "It's not about them. It's about you getting to have fun at Hogwarts while you still can. Things will die down in a day or two, and we'll be here for you the whole time like we were just now."
"Yeah," the blonde agreed. "This school is literally full of deadly magical creatures. Something's bound to snag their attention in no time." She rolled her eyes. "Plus, not everyone is as feral as Cressida Ashthorn."
You held in your laughter, maybe still shaken up from the interaction but your friends easily lightened up that feeling.
Marlene shook her head to herself, face still contorted with disgust. "Who knew she gets that territorial over Sebastian Vance of all people." You stopped in your tracks again, probably a walking traffic hazard by then, but your mind was too occupied by a different revelation to care.
"Oh my God. Sebastian." Lily and Marlene both watched you wordlessly with only the raising of their brows in question. "I need to go find him." Without saying another word, you sped off down the hallway.
"We'll meet you in the dorms?" you heard Marlene call, voice full of confusion but encouragement that you definitely needed. You threw her a thumbs up. The day was lasting much too long and every new thing being thrown at you was getting harder to dodge.
You had absolutely no idea where you thought you were going, and after peaking around the dungeons for a solid five minutes with no sign of him, you remembered you were a Marauder and that the map existed.
Groaning at the idea of all the stairs in this god-forsaken castle of a school, you started for the Gryffindor common room. It felt as if an eternity had gone by before you arrived on the right floor, your mind trying to think through what you'd say to Sebastianâyou came up with nothing.
The feeling sunk in alarmingly when you rounded the corner to the common room and saw the very person you were looking for standing by the portrait entrance.
"Sebastian?" You stopped your steps a few feet away from him. He was standing there with his hands tucked into his pockets, head tipped forward that he raised at the sound of your voice. He called your name back to you softly in greeting and you were struck with how handsome he was once again. No wonder that Slytherin girl had been so crazy over him.
"What are you doing here?" You tried to make your tone as casual as possible, suddenly shy after not having seen him since he asked you out the night before. The fact that not even a full day had gone by since then was mind-boggling.
"I was looking for you, actually." Even if he ended his sentence with a smile, you still felt yourself panicking internally.
You chewed on the inside of your cheek. "I'm guessing you heard about the rumor."
He tilted his head, eyes lightly painted over with a look that told you he had. "You mean the one about you and Potter in the locker rooms?"
You visibly cringed. "Yeah, that one." You looked him directly in the eye, even if doing so made you want to run into the portrait door behind him and hide in your dorm like you'd wanted to all day. "I'm so sorry you keep having to hear all these rumors. I swear whatever you heard about it isn't true, and I can explain everything."
Sebastian began to shake his head. "You don't have to-"
"I was in the locker rooms with him," you started, because you didn't know how to stop, "and he was shirtless but trust me I was definitely not, and there was no snogging no whatever else people have been saying, and-"
"It's alright." Sebastian cut in, stopping you in your panic, his voice sandy and smooth. "I believe you. You don't have to explain yourself or apologize. It's not like you started any of these rumors, right?"
He laughed lightly and you thought he must be one of the kindest boys in your whole grade. How you got him to ask you on a date of all people, you didn't know.
"You're right. It's just not fair that you have to keep hearing them. I hope you know I would never do something like that when I just agreed to go on a date with you."
"I know." He shrugged a shoulder. "Don't worry about it, seriously. People are just bored and want a good story to talk about."
You laughed inwardly, feeling a little lighter now that you'd cleared things up with Sebastian. "I can certainly tell some stories." You stopped yourself with wide eyes. "Not ones with James, of course. God." You looked up at Sebastian, who was laughing to himself, and that soothed your nerves. "I was talking about this absolutely rude girl who came up to me in the library of all places earlier today and started yelling at me about hogging you, or some rubbish like that. She was crazy, I swear it."
Sebastian sighed as you finished your story, a hand to his head. "Let me guess. Cressida Asthorn?"
You blinked at him, surprised. "Yes, how'd you know?"
He put his hands back in his pockets like his forthcoming answer took effort just to tell. "She's had this obsession with me since the third year, Salazar knows why." You fought back the urge to ask him, Have you seen you? "This isn't the first time she's done something like this."
You laughed. "Wow."
"Yeah," Sebastian huffed. "Now I owe you the apology, for having to put up with her and all."
You shook your head. "Like you said to me, it's not your fault."
He smiled warmly at you. "Don't worry though, I'll talk to her."
"Don't, I think she'd like that too much." You could see him immediately fight back a laugh, something that had you grinning at your own joke.
"Anyways," he said, straightening himself up. "The rumor wasn't actually why I wanted to talk to you."
"Oh." You winced. "Sorry, I was probably panicking so much you couldn't get a word in."
He grinned, flashing perfect teeth. "Don't be." He ran a hand over his hair. "I came here to ask you whether you liked The Three Broomsticks or Madam Pudifoot's better for our date. Or we could walk around and go to both. Whatever you want."
Our date. The word felt foreign in your mind. You weren't even sure you cared where you went on the date, just the fact that you were going on one had your mind occupied enough.
"Both sounds good." You pulled your lips into a smile, suddenly feeling light as air in a way you weren't used to.
"Great," he said, and he smiled infectiously.
"Perfect."
You were looking up at him, ignoring your lack of social skills, and he was looking down at you, and you could've sworn his eyes flickered over your face so delicately it was almost unnoticeable, but it made your mind spin. What was he thinking about right then?
You never got the chance to find out, because the life-sized portrait door swung open from beside you, right in between you and Sebastian.
"Sorry," Sebastian muttered immediately, bowing his head and taking a step back to give whoever was exiting the common room space. When no one came out, you frowned until you saw who it was.
"Well, look who it is: Our favorite couple," sang Sirius, who stood in a group with the other three boys. You took in a breath, already having the urge to roll your eyes at your friend who loved to torture you any moment he could. He looked between you and Sebastian with a glimmer in his eye. "Oh, please, don't stop whatever you were doing on our accord." He pretended to cover his eyes with his hand. "Act like we're not here."
Now you really were rolling your eyes, if only to hide the embarrassment you were feeling at him calling you and Sebastian a 'couple'.
"You can open your eyes, Sirius," you drawled, the corners of your mouth creeping up. You turned to Sebastian, who was watching the interaction with interest and definitely some confusion.
"Sebastian, these are my friends." You gestured to them from where they still stood inside the portrait hole, trying to deflate the awkwardness of the situation and probably failing. "This is Sirius." The boy in question waved his fingers at Sebastian, and you fought your reaction from your face. "And then there's Remus, Peter, and, well, you've already met James."
You couldn't explain the way your heart beat heavier as you looked at the boy you gestured to. The last time you'd spoken to him was that morning when he'd practically shooed you away from him. It felt like at this point you were living your life on rotation, bumping into James and wanting nothing more than both talk with him and avoid him all at once. With the realization that he'd probably heard the rumor by now too, you were thinking the latter was the better option.
"Yeah," said Sebastian, and maybe his tone was tight but you could see him making an effort. "Alright, Potter?"
The distance between the two felt tangible, and it didn't help that James hardly even gave a nod in response. You looked over at him, trying to signal with your face that he was being rude, but he wouldn't meet your eyes.
"Well," you began. "I was just talking with Sebastian about the new horrid rumor going around. Hopefully, you guys haven't already heard it."
"Trust me, we have." Sirius barked out a laugh. "This one was quite the catch." Remus elbowed him in the side, and Sirius held his torso dramatically. "Fine, not funny. Tragic."
You sighed. "I'm guessing it had to come from that blonde kid who came looking for his broom polish, James." You looked up at him, who finally met your gaze, something off about the way he'd been avoiding your eyes. Maybe he was thinking about what'd happened that morning; you definitely were.
"Yeah, Crembley," he said plainly. "He's a second year on the team. I already told him he'd be running extra laps at our next practice." His eyes flickered between you and Sebastian. "Don't worry."
Your lips parted. "Thanks." You held his eyes for a second, something that reminded you too much of the moment you shared in the locker room.
You broke the suffocating silence hurriedly. "Well, I'm gonna head in." You turned to Sebastian again.
"Right," he said, nodding. "I'll see you tomorrow?"
In all the disarray of the week, you'd almost forgotten that the Hogsmeade trip, and your date, was tomorrow. You didn't let it show on your face though, and smiled. "Yeah, tomorrow."
You felt like maybe hugging him goodbye, but turning and looking at the four boys still awkwardly standing in the portrait hole, you decided on a wave instead. He waved back, and you watched as he gave the boys one last nod before leaving, walking down the hallway and out of sight.
You let out a tired puff of air from your lips, turning to your friends that still hadn't budged. "You know, you guys really could've helped make that less awkward instead of just standing there like a bunch of stone statues."
"Hey, I talked," defended Sirius, a side smirk creeping its way onto his lips.
You gave him a look. "Yes, unfortunately." You made your way into the portrait hole, the painting door shutting behind you as you walked into the common room, the four boys following you from behind. You eyed them over your shoulder. "Weren't you guys going somewhere before we bumped into you?"
Remus nodded, taking a seat on the arm of the sofa before the burning fireplace. "Yeah, we were actually going to look for you."
You raised your brows, leaning against the back of the couch. "Oh. How come?" You paused. "Don't tell me it's about another prank."
"Not yet," Sirius teased. "We actually have some exciting news to share." He sprawled lazily beside Remus, a doggish grin taking over his features. "Wormtail here scored himself a date to Hogsmeade tomorrow."
You gasped, maybe too loudly, turning to Peter. "Pete that's great!" You poked him in the shoulder as he came to sit by the rest of you. "Who did you ask?"
He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, looking sheepish. "Lina Wednesbury." You racked your brain and matched the name to a quiet Hufflepuff girl in your Herbology class. "And, well, she asked me."
Sirius pushed him in the side, smiling playfully. "Nothing to be ashamed about, mate. Game is game."
"Yeah, I think you two make a perfect match." You grinned. "It looks like the two of us both have dates for tomorrow then."
"Hear that, Padfoot?" Peter joked, turning to the boy on his left. "You're off your game."
The long-haired boy shrugged, rolling his eyes cockily. "Please. I reckon I could score a date without even getting up from my seat."
You shook your head at his antics, Remus doing the same. He held up a hand. "Please don't test out that theory."
"Don't worry, I won't." Sirius smirked at Remus and tipped his head over to where James sat in the seat to your right. "Wouldn't wanna leave you and Prongs here all alone."
James tilted his head up from where he'd been leaning it back against his seat the whole conversation. "I don't see what's so important about getting a bloody date."
Sirius barked out a laugh. "Says the man who spent more than half his Hogwarts years asking Evans out to every Hogsmeade trip."
James rolled his eyes at him, tone souring. "Ha ha."
Remus peeked over at him curiously. "You ask her out this time, mate?"
"No," he answered, bored tone telling you he didn't want to discuss the matter. "I didn't."
Sirius gasped. "That's gotta be a first."
"Not true," James defended.
"Yes, true." Sirius leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees. "Weren't we just saying we reckon she'd say yes this time?"
"Yeah," Peter agreed. "And then the three of us could all have dates."
"How adorable," Sirius cooed. "You three could all triple date. You, Pete, and Sebastian." He cracked up at his own joke as James rolled his eyes.
"Like I'd spend a whole day with Vance when I could be doing funner things, like helping Filch clean the toilets."
You tutted, squinting at James and his lazy position in his seat. "Very funny," you mocked, turning back to the others. "Sebastian's actually quite fun to be around. He told this hilarious joke the other day in Potions about Slughorn's outfit that-" You halted your words. "I'm sorry," you said, turning to James, who'd scoffed into the empty air as you spoke. "Is there something wrong?"
"No," he answered, but continued talking anyway. "It's just that I've heard Vance tell about a million jokes to you in that class and trust me, you couldn't get a five-year-old to laugh at any one of them."
You frowned at him, sitting up in your seat so you could better look at the boy who'd had little to nothing to say to you all day, yet now wouldn't let you get a word in. "So you're listening in on my conversations now?"
James avoided your eyes, rolling them instead. "Not willingly, trust me."
You shook your head, face surely showing disgust. "You're being incredibly immature, James."
"I'm sorry that I'm not as mature as Vance." You huffed out an annoyed breath, because you were sure you'd never talked about Sebastian mature, ever. "And quite frankly," James continued, "I'm just saying what we're all thinking."
Now you were really irritated. "Really?" You turned to the three other boys sitting beside you, onlookers to the absurdity. "Was anyone else thinking that?"
"I think we're all just tired," rang Remus when everyone else said anything, forever playing the role of peacekeeper, though you'd rarely ever seen him have to do it over you and James. "Maybe let's talk about something else, yeah?"
James huffed. "Gladly."
"No," you interjected, turning full in your seat to the brunette. "I want to know why the hell you hate Sebastian so much."
James sat still for a moment, eyes flickering directly into yours for only a beat before they wandered again, taking on that avoidant and quite frankly aggravating set to them. "I suppose it's not so much him than the fact that he decided he suddenly needed to take you out during the first Hogsmeade trip back. Obviously, the lad doesn't have friends of his own."
At his last sentence, he let out an ill-humored laugh, looking to Sirius and whoever else to agree with him. Meanwhile, your head was spinning at his words.
"Is that what all this is about?" you interrogated. "If it's so important to you, then fine I'll ... I'll take the carriage ride into Hogsmeade with you guys. That way we can still all spend some time together." If you were being honest, spending time with James when he was acting like this was the last thing you wanted to do. You threw your hands up. "Are you happy?"
James regarded you for a moment silently, and then shrugged, seeming to submit back into his aloofness once again. "Yeah," he said. "Whatever."
You ran a hand over your hair desperately. "If that's not it, then what is it?" You couldn't help the way your voice was rising. Your hardening eyes searched over his form for whatever stick seemed to be up his arse, and then softened as a realization flooded into your mind. "If it's about Lily, then I can always-"
"For Merlin's sake," James interrupted, loud enough to stun you. "Not everything's about Evans, alright?" He ran a frustrated hand through his hair and then rubbed both of them over his thighs in frenzied thought, silent. "I'm going to bed." He stood up, storming swiftly past you and the others without another glance back.
"But the sun's hardly set," Peter squeaked in question.
Remus shook his head. "Let him go." He peaked over at his retreating form until he disappeared up the stairs, out of sight, and a weight seemed to lift in the air of the common room, though it stayed rooted in depths of your chest. "He's just in a foul mood. Needs to sleep it off."
"Yeah," you agreed, leaning back in your seat tiredly. You looked over at the seat he'd been sitting in. "I hope so."
summary - Now that things were seemingly going back to normal with James, the time had come for the marauders' next prank. But that doesn't mean you weren't in for some surprises of your own.
wc [5.0k]
all chapters | <- Chapter 6 - Chapter 8 ->
Classes for the next day went remotely better, considering the fact that no more potions had exploded and you'd given up on trying to avoid James. It seemed like it was physically impossible to do. You supposed that made sense, since you'd had him in your life for as long as you were old enough to form proper sentences. It was hard to imagine your life without him, no matter how much it may hurt to be around him.
You were forcing yourself to ignore that feeling now and focus on this impossible prank you were trying to pull off. You and the rest of the Marauders were stationed out in one of the hidden passageways within Hogwarts' walls, one that led you right in front of the Slytherin common room.
You lit the dark passage with your wand, the others having lugged the shampoo bottles you'd filled with red hair dye in a makeshift sack within the invisibility cloak, much to your displeasure.
"Remind me why we can't just accio all the shampoo bottles to us and get the hell out of here?" Sirius dropped the invisibility cloak and the bottles with a cringe-worthy slam to the floor, a sound that echoed through the dark passageway.
"Of course, Sirius," chimed Remus, smacking a sarcastic hand to his head. "Why hadn't we thought of that before? Let's just accio every single bottle at the same time and-"
"Okay, I get it," Sirius grumbled, rubbing at the shoulder that'd been carrying the bottles. "Someone's cranky."
James rolled his eyes at him. "No arguing with Moony, it's almost that time of the month."
"I wasn't arguing, only asking a reasonable question."
"Enough talking you guys," you butted in. "If we want this prank to work we need to start as soon as possible, alright?" You took their silence for compliance. "We remember the plan, yes?" From what you could see in the darkness, the four of them gave you a nod, albeit unsurely. "Okay, good."
You peeked around the corner towards the Slytherin common room and watched as the door swung open, a first-year girl walking through the doorway. With urgent eyes, you gestured for Peter to carry out his part of the plan. He didn't budge.
"Peter," you whispered, nudging him in the arm.
He turned to you cluelessly. "Hmm?"
You held back a groan, watching as the heavy door shut behind the first-year, your opportunity disappearing. "Okay, so we don't know the plan then?"
Peter looked at you guiltily. "Sorry, I spaced out when you went over it the first time."
"It's okay Pete," chimed Sirius. "I did too."
It took everything in you to stay quiet and not scold the two of them. You were already nervous enough. "I'm gonna go over it one more time, so everyone listen this time." You heaved a breath in. "First we need to make sure we can get the common room door open. Pete, you're going to wait until a Slytherin opens the door, and then run out in your animagus form and nudge that stone on the ground over there into the doorway. Got it?"
You turned to Peter, who was listening this time rapt with attention. He nodded.
"Good. Then, all we need you to do is make sure the Slytherins' bathroom doors are open, and that way James can hold the main door open so Remus can summon the bottles, about a dozen at a time."
"What?" Peter's eyes were wide and shifting around unsurely. "I have to go into the dorms? No way."
"It'll only be for a quick moment, Pete," you said, trying to comfort him.
"Yeah," encouraged Remus. "And you'll be in your animagus form, so nobody will even notice you. You don't even have to go inside the bathrooms, just make sure they're opened a crack. You'll be in and out."
You all stared at Peter expectantly, watching as he seemed to mull over the plan in his head. "I don't know."
"What's the worst that can happen?" sang Sirius. "If anything, they notice a rat in the dorms and go yelling. But this school has had rats before, so."
James stared at Sirius with widened eyes. "Don't give him any ideas, Pads." He put a hand on Peter's shoulder. "It'll go great. If anybody can do this, Pete, it's you."
James's determined words mixed with the sincerity in his eyes seemed to work, something you figured came from all his practice giving pep talks as Quidditch Captain. It took him a moment, but Peter eventually nodded, though he still didn't seem perfectly convinced.
You you looked at him meaningfully. "We won't let anything happen to you Peter, promise." That seemed to help, and you finished explaining the rest of the plan to your friends hurriedly.
You stared at the four of them once you finished. "Is everyone good with the plan now?" You rolled your eyes as Sirius raised his hand.
"All I'm saying is, everything would been a whole lot easier if we just drank Polyjuice Potion and turned ourselves into Slytherins like I said."
Remus sighed. "I already told you that Polyjuice Potion takes at least a month to brew."
"Yeah," you countered. "And besides, did you want to morph into Marcus Craggy, or were you planning on making one of us do it?"
"Oh please," Sirius laughed like you were the crazy one. "Don't be silly. Everyone knows I would've turned into a girl. That way I could-"
You held up a hand, cringing. "Don't finish that sentence, please."
Another ten or so minutes went by, though the way some of the others were acting would've had you believe it'd been close to ten hours.
"Remind me again how much longer we're going to have to sit here for?" Maybe it was the stress you'd been feeling for the past couple of days, but Sirius's sass had never been as irritating to you as it was then.
You sighed. "We could've been halfway done already if you'd all listened to the plan the first five times I said it."
"Well, we wouldn't need the plan if you'd just gotten the passwords to the Slytherin common room from Vance like we asked you to."
You reeled at the aggravating topic that he and James seemed to love to bring up. "Are you kidding me?"
"No, I'm serious."
You squinted your eyes at him and whatever joke he was trying to make in a moment you did find funny whatsoever. "How would I have even gone about asking for a thing like that anyway? It's completely ridiculous."
Sirius barked out a laugh much too loud for the setting you were in. "Oh please. The bloke obviously likes you. All you would've had to do is bat your eyelashes and he would've handed it right over."
You squinted at him annoyedly in the dark lighting. "What the hell are you talking about?"
To your surprise, James groaned, leaning back against the wall. "Enough Sebastian talk, please." His tone was grim and tight, contrasting Sirius's overly loud drawl.
"Come on Prongs, just because you're jealous that-"
"Shh, look."
You all stopped arguing at Remus's call, turning to peak back towards the hall where a Slytherin boy was entering. You didn't have any time to think over whatever Sirius had begun to say, your mind settling itself on putting the plan you'd spent so much effort trying to formulate into action.
"Pete," you whispered. "That's your cue."
Ignoring the fact that he looked like he was going to be sick, you watched as Peter took a shaky step away from the group and, before your eyes, morphed into a measly rat at your feet. The sight was never something you could get used to.
Just as you'd told him to, Peter scurried across the hallway behind the Slytherin boy and, right as the door to the common room was about to close, rolled the stone you'd placed on the ground into the doorway. When it shut behind the boy, you could see the gap in the doorway that told you your plan was a go.
"Alright Wormtail!" Sirius whispered from across the hall, and you all watched silently as the little rat looked back toward the four of you before scampering into the Slytherins' common room.
"Bless the lad," you heard Sirius say from behind you, sounding overly sentimental.
"Let's hope he won't need any blessings if everything goes according to plan." You let out a breath. "Okay, next step. We need to see where the prefects are on their rounds. Who has the map?"
You looked between the three boys, watching as they all stared back at you with blank eyes. Your mouth hung in disbelief. "Don't tell me we forgot the map again." At that point, it was getting harder and harder to keep your voice to a secretive whisper.
"Relax," said James, voice hushed. "Padfoot has it."
Sirius scoffed, turning towards the brunette. "Prongs, I think I would know if I had it-"
"Turn around."
Sirius frowned. "What?"
James stared back at him with a confident set in his eyes. "Just turn around."
"Really?" Sirius fawned with a smirk. "In front of all these people?"
James shook his head, though you knew he could never resist a dirty joke. He hid his boyish grin and cleared his throat, gesturing to Sirius curtly. "Pads, c'mon."
At that, Sirius turned around with his back facing you, and lo and behold, you could see the corners of the map peaking up helplessly from the back of his pants.
You put an exasperated hand up to your forehead, features twisting painstakingly. "Why the bloody hell is it in your pants, Sirius?"
Sirius looked back over his shoulder towards the map, face screwed up in confusion. "I honestly don't remember putting it there."
You stared at him for a moment in disbelief. "Well, can you take it out please so we can finish the prank?"
"Of course, m'lady." He flashed you a grin you absolutely did not like the look of. "You sure you don't wanna do it yourself?" James elbowed Sirius in the side, his smile swapping itself out for a roll of his eyes. "Alright, alright."
The three of you looked on as he contorted his body to reach for the map, his struggle not seeming anything but overdramatic to you as you waited impatiently.
"C'mon Pads," chided James as he went to reach for the map despite its location.
"No, almost got it." The site of him losing a match against his own pants threatened to make you laugh even with how on edge you were, though you dropped your smile when he finally pulled the map free, only to drop it. You watched with horror as it slid onto the ground, out into the middle of the hallway.
"Great." You sighed at the site of the folded paper sitting unguarded out in the open and the fact that you had no idea where the prefects were on their rounds.
"Don't worry," cooed Sirius. "I'll get it." He took a confident stride forward, but you put a hand out just as fast.
"No," you warned, not having faith in his stealthiness after what you just witnessed. "Just- just stay where you are. I'll get it."
With that, you checked that the coast was clear on both sides before stepping out of the hidden passageway and into the open corridor, ignoring the irritated look you knew Sirius was giving the others at your orders.
With your heart beating fast in your chest and a glance at the slightly ajar Slytherin common room door, you bent over swiftly and picked up the map. Once it was secured in your hands you could already feel your senses returning to normal, though that feeling left as soon as it came.
You stood back up and were face to face with a body in Slytherin robes, your reflexes hiding the map behind your back right away.
"Sebastian!" you put on a cheesy smile in greeting before you could even think straight, though maybe it was because seeing the familiar face gave you some relief.
"Hey," he greeted back, and then you watched him process the fact that you were in the dungeons all alone. "What're you doing down here?"
You spoke before you even thought about what to say. "I was, uhm, seeing Slughorn for some extra help. Felt extra motivated after yesterday." Nice one. How easily the lie came to you concerned you.
"That's great." Sebastian's voice was warm, though there was a tug between his brow as he glanced over your nervous figure. "Are you alright?" his frown deepened. "Did Slughorn say something?"
It took you a second before remembering what he was referring to. Your lie, right.
"What? Oh, no, he didn't say anything bad. I'm great, really." You nodded at him and watched his features lighten up again, and then you felt bad because of how much he seemed to really care, and about the fact that you were lying straight to his face. You'd been doing more lying than you would've liked as of late.
Right when you were about to say something else, maybe wish him goodbye, you heard a small clang come from the knight armor to your right, and you mentally cursed because it came right from where you knew the boys were hiding.
Crap, you thought as you remembered they were listening to everything. You'd almost forgotten. You spared a glance over to where you knew they were hiding out, and luckily couldn't see anything. Hopefully, that meant Sebastian couldn't either as he surveyed the source of the noise.
You turned back to him, offering a smile you hoped looked as genuine as you meant it to as you freaked out internally. "Well, it was nice seeing you, Sebastian," you said through tight lips. "Night."
He looked back at you with the air of confusion at your rushed tone but didn't question you. "Yeah, goodnight." He nodded back and you, trying not to look suspicious, walked past him as if you wouldn't turn around in a second once he left.
"Actually," he called, and you turned right back around fast enough to give you whiplash, trying to keep the map hidden behind your back. "I've been meaning to ask you something. I wanted to yesterday, actually, before we got interrupted."
"Yeah," you rushed in, cringing at the memory and mentally cursing James. "So sorry about that. James feels sorry too, about the whole potions thing, in case he hasn't apologized already." You said the last bit with emphasis because you knew he hadn't, even after all your chiding.
"It's alright, Madam Pomfrey didn't even have to do anything. And, I hope you fixed your emergency, by the way." He was referencing the 'emergency' that James had interrupted you over, one that made you fight shaking your head at the memory.
You only smiled. "Yeah, we did, thanks."
"Great," said Sebastian, and he put his hands in his pockets, looking visibly tense. Then he took one hand out to rub it over the back of his neck, not saying anything for a moment as you both stood in the hallway.
"Sebastian?" you called, and that seemed to bring him back to life.
"Right, sorry." He exhaled, looking at you meaningfully. "I guess what I've been meaning to ask was, would you want to go to the Hogsmeade trip this weekend? With me?"
You paused your thoughts, stilling at his words. Whatever you'd expected him to say before, it was certainly not that.
You didn't know what to say right away, or how to react. He was waiting for you to say something, and you definitely wanted to, but you just didn't know what. Something warm did bloom in your stomach though, and the shadows of a smile grew on your face because someone was asking you on a date. Sebastian Vance was asking you on a date.
"So?" Sebastian asked softly and you turned your attention back to him. You didn't know how long you'd left him standing there as you became lost in your thoughts, but looking at his hopeful eyes and friendly smile, you felt like the answer you came up with was plain as day.
"Yes."
"Yes?" he asked, and maybe you hadn't spoken loud enough, or maybe he was in disbelief, but you could see a smile breaking out on his face and it felt almost contagious.
"Yes," you repeated through a smile of your own. "I'd love to go on a date with you, Sebastian." Your eyes widened. "It is a date, right?"
He laughed, soft and quiet in the empty hallway. "Yeah, it's a date. That is, if you're alright with that."
You chuckled shyly, feeling unfamiliar in your own skin. Was this really happening? "I'm alright with that."
"Great." Sebastian clapped his hands together low in front of him, chest rising and falling steadily as if some great weight had been lifted from him. He looked almost radiantâhe was a good-looking boy, might you add. "You know, I wasn't exactly sure you'd say yes with Potter and all."
You paused, smile swapping out for a confused frown. "What?"
Sebastian looked at you like then like he'd hit a nerve and was suddenly cautious. He put his hands in his pockets again, shrugging it away. "It's nothing, never mind."
You tried to make your face more casual and less alarmed. "No, really. What do you mean?"
Sebastian seemed to pause for a second in thought like he was weighing his options, before letting in. "It's just that, I don't know, I thought you and Potter were kind of an item. At least at one point. A lot of people do." His words seemed to flow out endlessly and you couldn't believe you were hearing them right. "And you know, with the rumors about you guys, er, in the broom closet and all, I wasn't sure-"
"On my God no," you cut in quickly, feeling both mortified with flames at your cheeks and angry at whoever started them. "Those were just rumors. Godric, I don't even know how they started. James and I are friends. Just friends."
Even if Marlene and Lily had always poked fun at you about the topic, you'd never actually thought about what others thought of you and James. Could they see your crush on him during all these years too? The fact that Sebastian had assumed you might be together made you feel ... you didn't know how it made you feel.
But none of that mattered now. What you said was true: you and James were just friends. You wouldn't let the possibility of anything else interfere with your love life, or your lack of one, rather. At least not anymore. You thought about what Sirius had said to you the other night and hated him slightly less for it.
"Well that's good to know," said Sebastian contently, taking you out of your spiraling thoughts. "So, I'll see you then?"
You were about to say "yes," and finally wish him a goodnight until a high-pitched and truly ear-cover-worthy scream sounded from the Slytherin common room. Not more than a second sooner did you watch as a rat, not just any ratâPeterâscurried out of the small crack in the doorway and down the hallway.
You'd momentarily forgotten where you were and exactly what you'd been in the middle of doing before Sebastian had stopped you, and the site of Peter was a blaring reminder. You thanked Merlin that Sebastian had his back to the door because somehow he hadn't noticed Peter running panicked right past his feet.
He turned to you in confusion and some horror. "What the hell was that about?" he looked between you and the common room door, laughing, and you laughed too, albeit nervously to mask your horror.
"No idea."
Thanks to the commotion that the rat spotting had caused in the Slytherin dorms, your carefully planned prank had, for lack of a better word, gone to shit.
Peter had returned to the boys' dorm early after the chaos of his being discovered and hadn't come back. None of you blamed him very much, though. Especially not after Filch's cat Mrs. Norris made an unexpected appearance on the Marauder's map, and you all watched anxiously as she chased him all the way back to the dorms.
"'Was bloody horrifying," shuttered Peter as he took a seat on his bed. You'd all headed back to the dorms once you realized there was no way you'd be able to finish the prank after that.
"We're so sorry Pete." You sat down on the bed next to him. "I really didn't think they'd notice you. They usually don't."
"Yeah," added Remus. "And I don't know how we missed Mrs. Norris on the map. It's our bad, really."
"Some first-year girl threw a book at me. Nearly missed my head!" Peter rubbed at the back of his skull as if he could still feel the almost-impact.
Sirius walked over, patting him on the head. "We'll get our revenge soon, Wormy. Don't you worry."
You stared up at him wryly. "We will not be 'getting revenge' on an eleven-year-old, Sirius."
"Of course not," he rang, patting you on the head too, which you batted away. "I only meant with the hair dye, is all." You ignored the wink you saw him give Peter as he went to sit on his own bed.
You watched as James walked into the dorm room last, sitting on his bed next to Peter's wordlessly. You all had a defeated air to you because of the failed prank, though James looked the worst.
"C'mon guys," you urged. "It could've gone a lot worse."
Peter shook his head from next to you. "Could it have? I almost got eaten by a cat."
"Yeah," Sirius said, tone sour. "Excuse us for being so down about that disaster of a prank. Not all of us scored a date from it, you know."
You looked down at your lap with a scoff. "I knew you wouldn't let that go."
"Did you really expect us to? I mean, really? That Slytherin bloke?"
"Oh my God." You shook your head. "I am done listening to you all groan about your house rivalry. Him being a Slytherin has nothing to do with whether or not I should date him."
Sirius looked squinted over at you, looking like he had a thousand responses on the tip of his tongue, but then he shrugged. "Okay, fine. But house aside, Vance is a total player."
You scoffed again in annoyance. "He is not." You traced back all memories of the boy in your mind and could think of maybe two other girls that he's dated. You rolled your eyes. "And I find it pretty ironic that you of all people are calling someone a player, Sirius."
He laughed, obviously finding the conversation much more amusing than you were. "Do you even like him?"
You were getting more worked up than you would've liked, confused as to why Sirius was challenging this so much when he was just lecturing you about never going on dates. "What is there not to like?" you retorted. "He's nice, smart, he's a great Potions partner-"
"But do you like him?" Sirius cut you off with a seriousness in his tone, looking at you challengingly. A silence filled the room for a moment, the others all sprawled around it as an audience to the argument you wanted nothing to do with.
You stared back at him, considering things in your head for a moment before answering. "Yes, I do." You put a hand on your hip. "Are you happy?"
Sirius didn't respond to your frustrated question, shifting his gaze to something behind you. "Prongs, what do you think about all of this?"
You frowned at the unexpected change of focus, following Sirius's eye-line over to James, who sat on his bed, hunched forward with his elbows to his knees. He looked pensive, maybe still defeated from the prank, but something unidentifiable simmered behind his gaze, seeming to harden it. You didn't know what it was and you didn't know what Sirius was trying to do by involving him either.
He was silent for long enough that you were beginning to think he hadn't heard Sirius, until he shrugged. "I just can't believe you're missing our first Hogsmeade trip of the year."
If there was anything you were expecting James to say, it wasn't that. You ran a hand through your hair. "I guess I hadn't really thought about that." You turned to James thoughtfully. "It isn't like I'll be gone the whole day. And there will be other Hogsmeade trips for us to all go to, right?"
"We always spend the first one together, though," James said, tone heavy.
"He's right," Peter agreed. "It's practically a tradition."
You sat back down on the bed, feeling tired. "What do you guys want me to do? Tell him I can't go out with him?"
"Of course not," Remus chimed. "We're happy for you. They're just saying they're gonna miss you being there on Saturday, is all." He stared at the others expectantly. "Right guys?"
It took a second, but they all nodded, some apologies muttered, and you'd never been so thankful for Remus.
"Thank you," you said sincerely. "That means a lot." You sat in thought for a moment, before an idea sprang into your mind. "Why don't we all go get butterbeers from the kitchen like we always do after a prank?"
"After a successful prank," Sirius corrected.
"Yeah, I don't know if I'm in the mood to celebrate." Peter looked like he was reliving the horrors of the rat fiasco in his head again.
"It would cheer you up though, wouldn't it?" You nudged Peter's side before standing up. "Come on." You pulled on his arm until he was standing up lazily, though you knew he was fighting a smile. "Let's go. The house elves would love it if we paid them a visit." You motioned for them all to follow as you walked towards the door, Sirius and Remus doing just that, but James stayed put. "James?" you called. "You coming?"
He looked up at you from where he sat, face seeming drained of any excitement at the prospect of his favorite drink, eyes avoiding yours. "I think I'll just stay back."
Your brows furrowed in concern at his dejected voice and unconvincing flash of a smile, and you took a step closer to him. "Are you sure? You never turn down a butterbeer."
His face had gone stonelike and revealed little to nothing, but you knew something was off. "Just don't feel up to it. You guys go."
You didn't budge right away, looking at your friend more closely in an attempt to figure out what was wrong, but Remus stepped in front of you.
"You guys head to the kitchens. James and I will catch up, just give us a minute."
You stood there, looking back and forth between Remus and James unsurely like there was some unspoken secret they both shared. Remus met your eyes, nodding at you assuredly, and you relented, glancing back at a confused James before leaving the dorm room. Sirius and Peter followed behind you.
"What do you think that's all about?" Peter asked as the three of you walked through the common room to the portrait exit.
"It's James," Sirius responded naturally. "It's probably either about Quidditch or Evans."
By the time the three of you all made your way down to the kitchens and ordered up five butterbeers, Remus had followed through on his promise and had James following him into the kitchen, though he looked a tad off. Not his energetic James self, his head was slightly hung forward with his hands in his pockets.
Remus took the spot next to Sirius at the table you sat at, and James took the spot next to you. You peeked over at him concernedly, but he didn't look up from wherever he was staring off.
"Alright," Sirius announced. "Now that we're all here," he picked up his butterbeer, "let's make a toast, shall we?"
"To what exactly?" asked Peter. "Not like we can toast to a good prank."
"I know," you said as you raised your glass. "To a great school year and successful future pranks."
"Yes," agreed Sirius. "And to many more hot Hogsmeade dates."
Laughter bubbled from Peter and Remus with your lips parting in alarm, though you were holding back laughter too. "Sirius," you chided, and he shrugged.
"Only being supportive."
With a roll of your eyes, your glass collided with three others, one glass missing from the toast.
"James?" you called. His eyes snapped up like he hadn't even noticed the conversation going on. You turned to him with a lowered voice that revealed your worry. "Is everything okay?"
He cleared his throat slightly, eyes not meeting yours, though you could've sworn he shared a look with Remus. "Yeah, sorry." He hurriedly raised his glass too. "Cheers," he added, and took a sip of his butterbeer that had his head tipping back.
The others seemed to overlook James's odd mood and conversation flowered regularly for the rest of the night, though you noticed time and time again James's offness in the way he talked less, or the times he'd space out or seem distant.
After some time the five of you headed back to the common room. Even during the walk back James was a few feet ahead of the group, veering off into his dorm room before you could even say goodnight. You stood there in uncomfortable thought, staring at the staircase he'd just climbed before Remus came to stand by your side.
"You alright?" he asked, and you could see from your peripheral the way he peered at you in curiosity.
"What happened back there with James?" You shifted to face him, watching as he waved an arm casually.
"Nothing, really." You gaped at him disbelievingly at his obvious avoidance of your question. "He'll be alright," he added under your scrutiny. "He's just having an off night."
"What'd you say to him to get him to come with us to the kitchens?"
"You just have all the questions lined up, don't you?"
You glared at him and his sudden annoying sense of humor. "Remus."
"Alright, alright," he chuckled, putting his hands in his pockets. "I just told him to lighten up," he shrugged. "Be happy for you, is all."
Your mind faltered, eyes widening. "You think he's upset about me?"
Instead of answering your question, Remus simply tipped his head down, a one-sided smile tugging at his lips.
"What?" You pried, feeling like there was some big joke you'd been left out on. Remus looked back up at you, shaking his head, but you were feeling more irritated than playful. "No seriously, what?"
With a knowing glint in his eye, Remus bowed his head before taking a step back towards the steps. "Night."
It took you a second to realize he was going off to bed and ignoring your question, leaving you clueless in the common room.
"Remus Lupin!"
Your shouts only met his back as he disappeared up the steps. You huffed. When Remus really wanted to, he had it in him to be even more aggravating than Sirius in a bad mood.
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summary - Maybe it was an attempt to get over him, or maybe it was just from embarrassment, but you'd decided to avoid James. The only problem was, your best friend was making that very, very difficult to do.
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all chapters | <- Chapter 5 - Chapter 7 ->
The weekend had ended without excitement, if you don't count kissing your best friend and practically getting rejected by said best friend the next day to be excitement.
As much as you willed it not to, the events of the past two days played in your mind well into Monday, perhaps being the reason why you skipped out on breakfast in the Great Hall and showed up to Defense Against the Dark Arts with hardly a minute to spare before class started.
Your professor this year, Professor Higglebottom, silly as her name was, was the adventurous type and always started class with some hands-on interaction. That's why you all crowded against the walls instead of taking a seat at one of the desks in the front of the room.
You were sandwiched between Marlene and Sirius, the latter you knew was trying to get you to respond to his whispers. You weren't much in the mood for whatever kind of conversation he was trying to spark up, especially not after the one you'd had with him last night that you most definitely did not lose sleep over.
"Alright class," your professor announced. Her bob haircut bounced lightly as she took quick circling steps before your class's waiting eyes. "Let's begin with a quick review of last week's shielding charm. Pair up with a classmate and practice, and no harmful hexes this time, yes?"
With a snicker from across the room, Higglebottom waved her wand and the desks all gracefully swept into organized rows against the far wall, leaving the center of the room open for spell practice.
Within the blink of an eye half the room had begun to shuffle around in search of a partner, and it hit you with a surge in your chest that you and James always paired up in this class. You stayed rooted in your spot against the wall for a second, looking around amongst the chaos. Sure enough, that head of curls and those eyes like honey were on the other side of the room, searching the crowd for someoneâfor you.
Maybe you weren't exactly thinking in that moment, but you acted before you had time to consider much of anything.
"Hey Alice!" your voice was raised to almost a shout that alarmed even you, and Alice turned to you in surprise.
"Hey," she said, and before she could get another word out you were practically running to her.
"Could we be partners?"
You figured that it might've been the desperate look in your eyes that had her nodding yes, but it didn't matter because at least you didn't have to pair up with James. Facing that awkwardness and ignoring the twinge in your chest whenever you saw him seemed impossible right then.
You walked over to the front left corner of the room with Alice, catching James in your peripheral. He was watching you, you knew he was. It only made avoiding him even more difficult in your heart.
You began practicing with Alice as Higglebottom instructed, though you put up your shielding charm with just a fraction of a second left before Alice's stunning spell would've sent you flying.
"Woah," she said, and you took a second to shake out your arm before preparing for the next round. "You alright?"
"What?" you asked, half listening. "Yeah. Just slow reflexes, I guess. Sorry." She sent another shining blue stream at you from her wand. "Protego!"
This time you blocked it properly, but it didn't leave Alice feeling satisfied.
"It's just," she began, flicking her wand again wordlessly. "Don't you usually partner up with Potter?"
You tried your best to contain any reaction, focusing on saying the spells as instructed. You shrugged. "I don't know, I wouldn't say always."
Alice laughed. "Okay, so ninety-nine out of a hundred times, then." You gave her a look that was half joking half annoyed, and she smiled with a tilt of her and a gesture that said it was your turn to aim some spells her way. You flicked your wand with a wordless spell, and she put up her shield in no time, continuing. "I was just wondering if everything was okay, is all."
"No, yeah, everything's fine." Your shoulders felt tense as you sent out another spell. "Why wouldn't it be?"
"Well, for one thing, he keeps looking over here." As much as you tried not to let her words affect you, the thought of them made your heart race and your forehead crinkle anxiously.
You shook your head busily, lips tight. "Don't know why he would be." That was a lie of course, and you knew it deep in your bones as you said it. You fought the urge to ask her exactly how he was looking at you as you sent another spell her way. "Rictusempra!"
Alice deflected the spell with yet another shield from her wand, and you could feel your focus slipping from you with every exchange between the two of you on the topic. "Maybe he wants to talk to you?" she reasoned, and you chewed on the inside of your cheek.
"I'd rather not." With that, you prepared another spell.
Alice glanced at something somewhere behind you. "Well he's coming this way."
"What?"
You panicked, and your spell shot completely in the wrong direction, aiming diagonally at Higglebottom's desk instead. You cringed as your gust of wind had a stack of papers go flying, falling through the air without any grace.
Everyone in the room stopped their dueling at the commotion, and Higglebottom let out a tiny gasp from her position across the room. You stood there, stunned. But somehow, the most mortifying part of it to you was the sight of James watching it all unfold a few feet away from you, looking like he both wanted to laugh and ask you a thousand questions that you didn't know the answer to.
"Well, that's alright," rang Higglebottom, and you could've ran up and hugged her when she clapped her hands and made everyone go back to practicing spells. That included James, who wandered back over to a smug looking Sirius. She daintily pointed her wand towards the mess and it was cleaned up in a matter of seconds, though your embarrassment lingered deep in the pit of your stomach and refused to leave you.
Your professor had spent the rest of the class going over proper spell-casting stances and dueling strategies, and you'd found that the more you focused on your classes, the less your head seemed to run amuck with thoughts of a certain someone.
You'd spent the rest of rest of the day doing just that, paying attention to your professors' lessons for every class like your life depended on it, and speeding off in between each one.
By the time you made it to Potions you felt like your mind was finally calming down, though the world loved to test your patience. You had to walk straight past James on your way to your seatâthe seat that was right in front of hisâand he didn't give you the grace of pretending not to see you. His eyes followed you the whole way to your seat, and somehow it felt like you could still feel them lingering on the back of your head as you sat down. You sighed; if he could do you the favor of picking up on your attempt to get over him and just go along with it, your life would be a whole lot easier.
"You alright?"
You turned to see Sebastian sitting in his seat next to you, looking as dashing as ever with his tie undone from the uncharacteristically warm weather that day. The fact hadn't left you that Sebastian was apparently a top prospect for girls in your year looking to find a date.
He looked at you with concern, though his expression was still warm. He was the second person to ask you that that day.
"Yeah, I'm fine," you said back, though the way he looked at you made you feel suddenly insecure. You patted at the back of your hair. "Do I not look it?"
"No, no," came Sebastian quickly, laughing slightly. "You look great. Trust me."
From the way his eyes hovered over you, you felt like both hiding from embarrassment and blushing. You were about to thank him until Slughorn stood up from his desk, tone somewhat more bubbly than usual as he spoke.
"Say, my eager students," he began, and you felt the class collectively sigh from around you. "The air does feel fitting for some friendly competition today, does it not?"
With his statement, the room seemed to perk up from their afternoon drag, though you felt a sense of dread settle into your stomach. The word "competition" said in a room full of Gryffindors and Slytherins was practically a death sentence. Slughorn didn't pay it any mind.
"Each brewing station should prepare a Wound-Cleaning Potion within the hour, and I'll determine the most well-brewed potion by the end of class. The winning group gets five points extra credit."
If the prospect of competition didn't scare you already, the fact that you were never any good at Potions definitely did the job. Sebastian turned to you with an optimistic grin on his face, something casual and confident, all while you felt the exact opposite.
"Don't be so worried," he said, like he could read from your face how you felt already. "We're gonna do great. Half the others can't even talk to each other without ... that happening."
He nodded over to where Sirius and Slytherin Quidditch Captain Marcus Craggy were already arguing, practically shoving each other as they both stood up to get ingredients.
You snorted into your hand. "Maybe you're right."
Between the two of you, you sorted out a plan of action and went to get the ingredients while Sebastian tended to warming the cauldron. If your staying-hyper-focused strategy went according to plan, you had confidence that with Sebastian's Potions skills you could actually do well.
You measured out the proper amount of the necessary ingredients, taking what you needed from the stacks of shelves aligning the classroom wall. You handed off the jar of dandelion root to a girl next to you before turning around, but that was when you turned right into a body.
You looked up. It was Jamesâof course it was. You knew for a fact you did a horrible job at hiding your alarm, but were still in your ignore-your-feelings-and-focus-on-school mood so you didn't think twice before awkwardly avoiding looking into his eyes.
"Sorry," you said quickly. You briefly smiled at him, though you were sure you looked anything but casual.
"It's okay-" he began, his voice fading away as you rushed past him within a second.
You felt horrible.
Focus, focus, focus. When you returned back to your table and a waiting Sebastian, you did just that.
He naturally took the lead, since you didn't know the first thing about brewing a Wound-Cleaning Potion, but he was surprisingly understanding and explained each step in a way that made more sense than anything Slughorn had ever said. There weren't even any of the usual slip-ups that happen when you brew a potion yourself, though you couldn't say the same for the groups around you.
About halfway through class you peaked over to where Sirius and Marcus Craggy were working and saw the monstrosity that was their cauldron bubbling over the surface, a swampy green that most certainly was not the right color.
You heard a mousy laugh come from behind them, Peter giggling at the sight of his friend's failure. Within a second his own partner yelled his name, and with a terrified look he focused back on his own potion. It was safe to say your group was working better than any of your friends'.
In no time you were all finishing up your potions and Slughorn had begun coming around to review them, hands tucked behind his back like a true judge.
The first cauldron he'd surveyed belonged to Frank Longbottom and a red-haired Slytherin girl who you knew Alice was uneasy over. And, now that you got a good look at her, you could see she was the same girl you heard whispering about you and James's supposed broom closet snogging. So maybe the slight amusement you felt when Slughorn looked at her and Frank's cauldron and immediately grimaced wasn't completely impersonal.
He did the same to a few other groups, granting some an impressed nod until he finally reached your table. He gave Sebastian an enthusiastic and familiar smile, and nodded at you without any particular warmth, which you ignored.
The two of you stepped back and watched as Slughorn leaned over the side of the cauldron, peering it into it wordlessly. Sebastian glanced at you from the corner of his eye with a curious look and you fought a smile.
When you turned back to your potion, Slughorn's face was lit up satisfactorily. He clapped his hands together. "Splendid! Absolutely splendid."
You felt like you were hearing wrong, like words as positive as those could've never come from Slughorn in regards to you, but sure enough, he was talking directly to you. You were definitely sure you were dreaming then.
"Say, I believe we may have found our winners!"
Your jaw was hanging then, and Sebastian was beaming proudly. You were about to turn to him and celebrate, when a Gryffindor boy at a table in the corner of the room shouted out in protest.
"You didn't even look at the last three groups!"
Slughorn turned to him at first in alarm, but then his expression then morphed into a tightlipped smile you could tell was meant to be sympathetic. "I'm sorry dear boy, but I can see from here they're all the wrong color." He scanned the row of cauldrons behind you. "I can also smell them."
The room chuckled at that, and Slughorn turned back to you and Sebastian unbothered and cheerful.
"I expected nothing less from one of my star students, yes?" He shook Sebastian's hand firmly like he was an old family friend, and then, to your surprise, held out his hand to you too. You took it, feeling suspicious of how well this was going. "Very impressive work today." He smiled at you more authentically then you'd ever seen him smile at you, and you felt like bursting from happiness, though you watered it down to a prompt "Thank you."
"You two pat yourselves on the back," said Slughorn, regarding you both one last time before taking his leave.
You turned slowly to Sebastian, sporting the biggest smile you'd worn in days. The groups that weren't as upset over the loss clapped lightly from around the room, and you were so happy you could've literally jumped for joy.
"We did it!" You looked at Sebastian, and he was grinning down at you with a smile that met his eyes, looking half like he wanted to laugh at your overexcitement. You were so happy you even ran up and hugged him, not exactly thinking before you did it but it didn't matter because he hugged you back, chuckling.
Right before you went to pull away, you heard a bubbling noise coming from next to you. It grew, rumbling and groaning, and not a second more went by before the potion behind yours splattered all over.
You both stepped only slightly back before the mess reached you. You were lucky you were standing where you were, because most of the potion got on Sebastian instead. That didn't change the fact that it made an absolute mess.
"Goodness!" Slughorn shouted, and you stepped away from Sebastian right away, scanning over the mess the cauldron had made. A blue-gray goo covered the left half of his shirt, not an insane mess but still a concerning amount of slimy potion to be covered in.
You turned to the table who'd been sitting behind you, and realized with a sense of both dread and annoyance that it had been James's cauldron to explode.
You looked at him in dismay as he stood there, backed away from the table like the explosion had come completely as a surprise to him. But, judging from the way he took in Sebastian's appearance without so much as a grimace, it very well could've been just the opposite.
James's table partner, the Slytherin boy on the smaller side, looked beyond mortified. "Oh Merlin," he began, arms outstretched towards Sebastian. "We're so sorry, I don't know what happened, I-"
"Now, now," Slughorn interrupted, moving swiftly over to where the mess was. With a face that showed he was trying very hard not to react, he pulled out his wand and muttered a spell that cleaned up the mess from the desks and floor, and another one for Sebastian's shirt.
"That should take care of the mess, though I do recommend you pay Madam Pomfrey a visit, Sebastian. The possible side effects of an improperly-brewed potion are quite impossible to determine externally." He patted Sebastian on the back, who looked not angry but dazed, if anything, and turned to James and his partner. "And as for you two, pay better mind for what ingredients you're using. Next time, I won't be so kind about cleaning up for you."
They both nodded obediently, James wearing the placating face he always did when confronted by a teacher, and staring down at his feet. Was he ashamed? Hiding laughter? You couldn't tell, but certainly had suspicions, knowing his dislike of Sebastian for some unidentifiable reason.
Slughorn dismissed the class, and Sebastian gathered his things to go to what you assumed would be the nurse's office.
"Let me go with you," you said.
He turned to you in surprise, shrugging his bag over his shoulder. "Oh, don't worry about it."
"It's no problem, really." You smiled at him assuredly and he let in, waiting for you to get your things and walk with him out of the classroom. "Are you okay?" you asked once you turned the corner. "The color of that potion was definitely concerning."
He nodded. "Yeah, I'm good. Or at least, I feel okay."
"Good."
The two of you walked in silence for a moment, and you let your thoughts drift to the class you'd just finished, and how amazing and odd it felt to get a handshake from Slughorn. Soon you found a smile creeping into your cheeks.
"Are you laughing at me?"
You escaped your daydreaming, whipping your head to Sebastian who was looking at you with a disbelieving smile of his own. "What? No! Of course not," you assured him, shaking your head rapidly. "I'm just really happy our potion did so well."
"Yeah, me too."
"I mean seriously, I don't think I've ever smiled so much in a Potions class. Or that Slughorn's ever said anything that nice to me." And you meant it. Visions of nights spent practically crying over a bad potions grade flashed through your mind.
"Well," Sebastian began, eyes looking down at yours with fondness. "You deserve it."
You looked back at him, feeling like he really meant those words. A kind of odd feeling simmered in your chest, but it was warm and you invited it as you kept walking beside him.
"Hey," he began again after a beat, shifting his attention fully to you. "I've been meaning to ask you something-"
"Can we talk?"
Both of you stopped as you reached the staircase at the end of the hall and, somehow, there stood James. He was looking at you with an intention behind his eyes that flickered over you like he hadn't noticed Sebastian was with you at all.
You frowned at him, eyes glancing between both he and Sebastian in both shyness and irritation. "You know, I'm kind of in the middle of something-"
"It's an emergency." James leaned closer, eyes wide. "About the you know what."
You did not 'know what,' but James didn't seem to pick up on that. Your confusion only extended the interaction and had Sebastian stepping away.
"It's okay," he said to you with a neutral tug of his lips. "I'll talk to you later." Before you could tell him it was fine, that you wanted to hear what he had to ask you, he'd smiled and turned to climbed up the steps, leaving you alone with James.
You turned fully to face him, your irritation masking whatever nervousness you felt at finally looking him in the eyes. "What kind of 'emergency' was so important that you had to interrupt my conversation with-"
"Sebastian Vance. I know." He said his name like it was a chore, and it only had your forehead creasing even more. "There's, um, a problem with the prank."
"Really?" you deadpanned, staring at him blankly. "That was the emergency that couldn't wait?"
"You haven't let me finish," argued James defensively.
"Okay," you added, tone impatient as you motioned for him to continue.
"Wormtail lost the list of passcodes to the Slytherin common room." He ended his sentence as if there was more that he wanted to say, rubbing at the back of his neck.
"And?"
"And ... we were wondering if you could find a way to get them from Vance."
"What?!" you shouted, lowering your voice when you realized how loud you were being. "No, have you gone mad?"
"Oh, come on," James said, tone much too lax for your liking.
"You really expect me to trick my friend into letting us prank him?"
James let out a huff that sounded like a scoff, raising his brows at you. "Oh really? He's your friend now?"
"Yeah, he is." You crossed your arms, staring at him disbelievingly. "Is there a problem?"
"No, no problem." James shoved his hands in his trouser pockets, peering somewhere down below and not at you. "Just didn't know you guys were so close, is all."
Something about the way he spoke was infuriating you, tone casual but clearly masking judgement, as if he had any kind of control over who you could and couldn't speak to.
You scoffed. "Why are you being so weird about this?"
"I'm not."
"Really?" you deadpanned. "You interrupted my conversation with him when I was trying to walk him to the nurse after your potion exploded all over him, right after we won-"
"You don't really think I did that on purpose, do you?"
"I don't know!" you shouted. "With your house rivalry, and the way you lot are so obsessed with pranking people-"
"'You lot'?"
You stopped, realizing how much this was escalating when you really didn't want it to be. You pressed a hand to your forehead. "Sorry that's... that's not fair." You shook your head, as if doing that would rid you of the mess that was your mind right then. You hated arguing with James. "I'm just annoyed right now, is all."
"Yeah," James said with a nod, voice quieted. "Look," he breathed. "I'm sorry I interrupted you. And I really didn't mean for my potion to go exploding all over the place. I don't know what happened. I guess I was just ... distracted, or something, when we were brewing it. I'm sorry."
You let your eyes scan over his face, noting that he truly did look sorry. Something churned in your gut, something that you filed away as uninportant in that moment. "It's alright," you sighed. "Although, it's not really me you should be apologizing to."
It took him a second before he caught what you were referring to, him realizing with a look to the side and a half-laugh. "Yeah right."
"James." You gave him a warning look, and he raised his hands in surrender.
"Alright. I'll apologize to him."
You uncrossed your arms, feeling a bit better. "Thank you."
He tipped his head in acknowledgment, and you stood there for a moment debating if there was anything more to be said, knowing in the back of your mind that there certainly was, but you took a step up the stairs anyway.
"Wait." James took a light hold on your wrist that seemed to burn right through the skin, the contact making you feel unstable on the steps. "That's ... that's not all I wanted to talk to you about."
You stilled, glancing over his unsure expression. "Oh, okay." You waited for him to say something, but he stayed silent, out of character for him. He didn't meet your eyes as he thought, throat bobbing. "James?"
"Are we okay?"
He looked up and into your eyes then, the motion striking you as you were more level with him now from your stance on the step.
You felt your heart rate pick up. "What?"
He drew his hand away finally to run it uneasily through his curls. "I just feel like you're ..." He trailed off, voice going soft.
"Like I'm what?"Slightly heartbroken? Avoiding you? You knew exactly what he meant, of course, and it was eating away at you to lie straight to him.
"It's nothing." He waved a hand, though you could sense his seriousness in the tenseness of his stance and the darting of his eyes. "I just wanna make sure everything's alright between us."
You nodded because you felt the same way, though you knew the answer. "Yeah, I get that."
He looked expectantly at you, eyes intent but not prying. "So, is it?"
A beat went by before you could answer, your throat going dry with the effort of your lie. "Yeah," you assured him. "Of course."
He seemed to visibly relax, and the way his features softened made your shoulders sink. "Good. Great."
Were you a bad person for this? Maybe. Probably. But avoiding him had felt like best coarse of action and the only way to get by, at least for the time being. You knew, or hoped, that eventually things would go back to normal. Or rather, the 'normal' that existed before you ever had feelings for James, if that even really existed.
He offered you a smile of his pink lips that eased your thoughts even if only for a moment. Then, he leaned in and hugged you, and you felt like melting for too many reasons. You were at a height that let one of his curls brush against your cheek just like it did the night you kissed himâignore, ignore, ignoreâonly, you weren't sure how much longer you could keep doing that.
If you weren't going to avoid James all together anymore, than you'd have to just avoid certain situations; situations like this, where you could feel the rise and fall of his chest against your own, something dizzying yet comforting in a way that made you want to hide in your dorm.
You pulled away, reminding yourself that hugging him was the last thing you should be doing, and turned towards the steps again. "Let's go find the guys, figure out all this prank business."
"Good idea," James said, who followed you up the stairs without missing a beat. You hadn't reached the top step before he froze, ending up a few steps behind you.
"Crap," he cursed.
You frowned down at him. "What's the matter?"
"I just remembered that I booked the Quidditch pitch for this time."
Your jaw dropped for a second, lips curling up at the stupefied look on his face. You waved your hand towards the top of the steps. "Well then, go! Hurry!"
James's face set in with a hilariously determined expression and he set off up the steps in a jumble of robes mixed with his bag hanging limply off his shoulder. He passed you with ease, zooming off down the hallway.
"See you!" he called. He turned over his shoulder with a grin before disappearing around the corner, and your heart hurt at how easily laughter came to you around him. Because he's your best friend.
You reminded yourself of that fact with a small but stern nod, probably looking like you'd lost your mind standing alone in that hallway. It didn't matter, because you were going to keep those thoughts out of your mind from then on, and that was the end of that. Or, at least that was what you told yourself all the way back to the common room.
summary - After the disaster of a night you'd just had at the Gryffindor party, and not having seen James since, the biggest question running through your head is: what now?
wc [4.9k]
all chapters | <- Chapter 4 - Chapter 6 ->
The comfort of your bed hadn't been enough to stop you from waking up early the next morning and realizing your hyperactive brain wouldn't be letting you go back to sleep anytime soon. Doing your best not wake Lily or Marlene, you'd gathered your ink and parchment and headed down to the common room in front of the comfort of the fireplace to work on your Ancient Runes assignment.
You sat down on the aged fabric of the couch and it had your mind unwillingly drifting to the events that had happened in this very spot the night before. Maybe the common room wasn't the best choice.
Your feeling was confirmed when you heard the bold creak of the portrait entrance to the room swinging open. The sun hadn't even risen yet, a fact that had you peering back in curiosity at who in their right mind would be roaming the castle at this hour.
The same fact should've told you exactly who you'd find when you looked through the portrait hole and watched as James walked out of it and into the common room where you sat.
It took him a few seconds to notice you, head bent downwards with a slight hunch to his shoulders, breathing slightly labored. When he did, he stopped in his tracks like a deer in headlights.
You seemed to freeze from where you sat on the couch too, not knowing what to say right away like you normally would've. You didn't like that feeling; you always knew what to say around James.
The silence gave you a second to scan him over, taking in his appearance. He had a shine to him like he'd just gone for a run, something not out of the ordinary for James, especially with Quidditch season around the corner. Sweatshirt thrown over his shoulder, flushed cheeks and messy hair, the disheveled look only made your brain short-circuit even more.
"Hey," you greeted, if only to break the rigid silence that you could tell was forming.
"Hey." He stared at you bright eyed like he hadn't expected anyone to be in the common room at this hour, let alone you. His tone had a weight to it like he was out of breath, words coming out hesitantly and small. "What're you doing up so early?"
His eyes seemed to move across your position on the couch then too, showing genuine concern. Yet, you'd felt a sense of insecurity you weren't use to feeling in front of James. Shrugging, you said, "Couldn't sleep much."
"Yeah," he said, shaking his head. "Me- uhm, me neither."
It somehow felt like that was the first acknowledgment of what had happened the night before, the memory rippling through the air between you uncomfortably. The feeling pried at you, along with the fact that James was only acting like this because of you. Because of your feelings for him that he probably came to discover last night. You tried to swallow your awkwardness and forced yourself to act normal, but it seemed impossible to now.
"Practicing for Quidditch?" You turned fully in your seat with your hands on the back of the couch. James stared at you blankly for a second before answering, like it dawned on him you'd said something.
"What?" he asked, blinking. "Oh- yeah." With a dim breath of a laugh, he rubbed at the back of his neck, not moving any closer to your position on the couch. The distance between you felt miles wide.
"Did the guys mention the plans for the prank to you?" He asked the question as he put his hands in his pockets. You could tell he was trying to seem normal, like you were.
"Yeah."
He nodded again. "Good."
You nodded. The silence came back. "So, uhm, I'll meet you all at your dorm tonight to help set up?"
When he silently agreed, you took it as a your signal to head back to your own dorm, ignoring the fact that you'd only been downstairs for a few minutes. He watched you collect your things at your side wordlessly, turning back to him before you left like you'd forgotten something.
"Oh, and, could you tell Remus I figured out that one Ancient Runes problem, if he needs any help?"
He looked at you then like you were some sort of puzzle, a pinch settling itself between his brows. "Oh, yeah," he said plainly with a nod. "Sure."
From the way he looked at you, you would've paid millions just to get inside of his head and know what he was thinking. But you also didn't think you wanted to know at all.
With a pitiful wave goodbye, you didn't wait for him to wave back before you went up the stairs to your dorm room. When you made it back into your room you shut the door behind you, leaning against the back of it like you'd just ran a marathon.
Your two roommates were still sound asleep, a sight you weren't used to seeing. The light from the window fanned into the room delicately as the sun began to rise, a reminder that the day hadn't even begun and you already felt drained.
You'd spent the rest of the morning doing homework assignments in your dorm, feeling too tired to do much of anything else and also maybe trying to avoid a certain someone. Marlene had woken up some time ago, groaning something about being hungover as Lily pulled her out of bed with the promise of food.
You were finishing up studying for Alchemy when the door to your dorm swung open, revealing an exasperated-looking Marlene.
"Are you going to get with him or do I have to get you two alone in a closet again?"
Her demanding tone pulled your attention away from your books to where she stood at the door, hand on her hip. You squinted at her in confusion, a dreadful suspicion of what she was talking about invading your mind.
"Excuse me?"
With a dramatic roll of her eyes, she marched over to where you sat, setting a neat plate of pastries and other foods dangerously close to the corner of your desk.
"Your lover boy dropped this off since you weren't at breakfast." She eyed the textbooks on the table in front of you wearily. "Or lunch."
You paused, turning to take a glance at the clock on the wall and the window next to it, displaying the high-risen sun. Maybe you'd spent more than just the morning in your dorm.
You looked down at the plate. James was off his rocker if he thought you had enough of an appetite to eat everything he'd sent up to your dorm; it had all your favorites from breakfast on it and more. The fact made your heart swell and sting at the same time.
Scanning over the plate again, you picked out what looked like a blueberry scone shyly and bit into it, relishing in the way it immediately seemed to nourish your stomach that hadn't been fed anything except alcohol since yesterday afternoon.
"So..." Marlene began, her prying voice an interruption to your thoughts. "What'll it be?"
Your forehead creased and you looked up from the plate to where she stood next to you. "Huh?"
"Are you going to finally get with Potter?"
You swallowed the bite you'd taken, shaking your head at her in disbelief. "I don't see why I would."
"Oh I don't know," she said, leaning a hand on the back of your chair. "Maybe because you're madly in love with him?"
Her words rang a familiar alarm in your brain. "Marlene-"
"I mean, first the snogging in the broom closet-"
"Nothing happened in the broom closet."
"And now making out with him at a party-"
"Oh my god," you stopped her, feeling an unwelcome flutter rush through you. "We didn't make out. It was just a kiss, and it was during Spin the Bottle for Merlin's sake."
Her eyes were anything but relenting as she gazed down at you, something like amusement twisting her lips. "Just a kiss, huh?"
Like an unspoken battle you were set to lose, she stared down at you as you challengingly. Maybe noticing the sensitivity that was still settled behind your eyes at the topic, she relented, taking a step back from your chair.
"All I'm saying is that, from the looks of it, who knows what would've happened if you two had been behind closed doors."
"Marlene!" Your mouth hung from her suggestion and you put your scone down, grabbing the napkin that'd been placed on your plate and standing up to walk towards the vanity at the front of the room.
"It's true," she rang victoriously, her voice following you.
"It's not." You turned towards the mirror in front of you, putting down the napkin and grabbing a quill and ink. "We're not anything. I told you, I'm getting over him now. I give up."
"Yeah right," she argued, your desk chair squeaking against the floor as she took your seat, taking a pastry for herself. "'Give up'? Seriously?"
"I mean it, okay?" You faced her for a second to give her a look that lacked any lightheartedness. "I have to. Last night made that clear."
"So what're you going to do now? Ignore your feelings?" Her response came quicker than you knew what to do with. "Isn't that what you've been doing the whole time? Isn't that how you ended up in this situation?"
Her endless questions were like stones thrown at your back as you remained turned away from her, beginning to write a quick thank you note to James on the napkin before you.
"Ignoring it is the only thing I can do, alright?"
She scoffed like it was simple. "Or, you could just tell him."
A sense of wounded silence swirled around you as she waited for your turn in the endless back and forth you'd developed. You distracted yourself by fiddling with the quill in your hand, stopping your writing.
"I have a feeling he already knows."
You didn't need to look at her to take note of Marlene's incredulous stare. Her words came slowly with the wilting sound of both disbelief and sympathy. "What are you on about?"
"Last night," you started hesitantly. "After we kissed, he ... I could just see it in his eyes. Like he, I don't know. Like he realized something. Something like my feelings for him."
More silence followed your words for a beat, like the playfulness from before had broken and your admissions were shards of glass scattered dangerously on the floor.
"I really don't think that's the case," echoed Marlene's voice.
"It definitely is," you argued.
"Wouldn't he have mentioned it by now if that were true?"
You shook your head. "James is too nice to reject me. Maybe him ignoring it is better for the both of us." Your tone died down, somber, and you ignored the baffled look Marlene was giving you as you turned back towards her.
"It doesn't matter now anyway," you stated matter-of-factly as you folded the napkin in half and walked back over to where she sat, picking up the plate of pastries. "And hopefully this is the last time we'll ever have to talk about this."
The blonde stared up at you like she had more arguments inside of her waiting to be voiced, but her face contorted into an exasperated frown as she watched you slip on a pair of shoes.
"Where are you going now?"
"I'm supposed to meet the boys in their dorm."
Not missing a beat, she tipped her head at you in disbelief. "You mean James's dorm? His bedroom?"
You paused by the door, meeting her accusing gaze for only a second before picking up your bag from your nightstand. Your silence seemed to be enough of a response for her, and she leaned back in your desk chair like you'd worn her out.
"Merlin."
You held the plate of baked goods in one arm against your chest, using the other to knock on the door to the boys' dorm. At the prospect of seeing James again after the taxing interaction from this morning, you had to take a steadying breath, still unsure how things were between you.
You waited until a "Come in!" came from the other side, and opened the door, peaking your head in and exhaling at the sight of only Remus, Sirius, and Peter sitting on the floor around one of their beds. No James in sight. A guilty feeling pried at you at the fact that you were relieved by that.
The three of them were a sitting around a bunch of different odd objects and bottles that you assumed were for the prank.
"Hey," Peter rang, sitting up at the sight of you. You nodded at him in greeting.
"I come bearing food," you sung, and the others followed Peter in suit, sitting up excitedly. You sat the plate down in the center of them, and Sirius practically groaned as he bit into a croissant.
"Bless you woman."
You held back a laugh at his dramatics and the way Remus rushed to grab something too. Boys and their food.
Taking a seat, you slapped your hands on the side of your legs, inhaling tensely. "No James?"
You tried your best to sound casual, but even the three of them, notorious pranksters that they were, couldn't disguise the second of awkwardness that passed.
"Not yet," answered Remus. "He's handling some scheduling conflict with the Slytherin team over the Quidditch pitch."
"Bloody snakes can't even use a calendar properly," grumbled Sirius, though he said it with full mouth and it came out gargled in a way that had you wincing.
"Manners, Sirius," you chided with a joking tone, and he answered with a role of his eyes as he gulped down the rest of his bite.
"You sound like my mother."
With a feigned hand to your chest you batted the side of his arm as you took a seat on the floor beside him. Picking up an empty bottle that looked like shampoo, you eyed the rest of the supplies in front of you.
"So how are we gonna dye the Slytherins' hair red?"
Sirius laughed with a glint of mischief bleeding through his smile. "Now that's something my mother would never say."
The three of them explained the prank they were planning, in which you'd all replace the shampoo bottles in the Slytherin dorms with red hair dye in anticipation of the Gryffindor v. Slytherin quidditch match coming soon. How you were going to manage to swap out all the bottles you had no idea, but you usually worked out the technical parts soon enough.
You'd began pouring the red dye into different bottles, a line of the filled shampoos forming next to you.
"Moony, can you pass me another bottle?" asked Peter. Remus looked at him and nodded, picking up one and holding it out. Peter crawled across the center of the circle with a hand out, and that was when he'd crawled over one of the bottles, the pressure from his knee sending red dye went squirting all over the floor, but most horrifyingly, all over your shirt.
He panicked right away, freezing up at the site of the red dye splattered all over your front. You looked down at it in alarm and saw just how much of a mess it really made.
"Oh Merlin," Peter nervously rang. "Gods, I am so sorry-"
"It's alright, Pete," you assured him busily as you gingerly sat up straighter, careful not to knock anything else over. "Where's my wand?" You figured you could get it out with a spell quick enough.
Peter took his own wand out from his pocket, holding a hand out hurriedly. "Here, let me." He pointed his wand at your shirt. "Scourgify"
Not a second went by after Peter performed the spell did the stain on your shirt begin to darken in color, morphing from a bright Gryffindor red to a concerning maroon. Then, somehow, the stain grew in size and began to spread further up the fabric. You stood up from the ground, gaping at the sight.
Sirius stared in amused alarm between your shirt and a mortified Peter. "What the bloody hell did your spell do?"
"I- I don't know." The blonde stood up too, wand shaky in his hands. "Shit, I'm so sorry. I never did good in Charms. Here, let me try again-"
"No!" you cut in quickly, and then softened your tone just as fast. "I mean, don't worry about it." You took another look at your shirt that sported a stain that had now somehow turned back to a bright red again. "I think I'll just try and get the stain out in the bathroom, if you don't mind."
Peter nodded with nervous eyes, and as you closed the door behind you to the bathroom, you heard Remus drawl something that had Sirius barking out a laugh.
You looked at yourself in the mirror and sighed. The stain would certainly take more than some water to get out now.
You took a cloth from the sink and coated it in soapy water before pressing it to the stain. Not only was your shirt red but it was wet and sticking to your skin uncomfortably.
Picking up the hem of your top, you dabbed and pressed the cloth into the stain here and there for a few minutes. It helped wash out some of the intense color, but the Marauders were always thorough with their pranks, so you knew the stain wouldn't be coming out any time soon, at least not without the strongest of cleaning spells.
Just when you were deciding to leave it be, the door to the bathroom groaned open from behind you. Looking up, you saw from the reflection in the mirror that James must have had finally returned, because he was standing right behind you in the bathroom doorway.
You watched his expression still as he realized you were occupying the room. The second you turned to him though, his eyes shot wide.
"Woah,"Â he whistled, abandoning his stillness and peering at your shirt. "It looks like a bloody crime scene in here."
You looked down at your shirt again. It certainly did look like a crime scene, and a bloody one at that. You ran a hand over your hair. "We had an accident setting up the prank."
"Yeah, I think you spilled something on your shirt." You could tell James was fighting back a laugh from the quirk of his lips.
"Thanks, Sherlock," you deadpanned, turning to him.
He squinted at you. "Who?"
His confusion almost made you laugh even in your exasperated state. You let out something low like a giggle and saw James's features warm at the sound. He was still for a moment looking at you. Then he cleared his throat.
"Let me get you a sweater or something to change into."
You shook your head. "Oh, no you really don't have to-"
"Don't be stupid." You raised your brows , but James corrected himself right away with a sheepish smile. "I mean, I give you my clothes all the time."
He was right. But somehow, you were sure wearing his clothes would feel different now.
"C'mon." James nodded his head to one side and turned to leave the bathroom. You followed after a moment and saw him reaching into his dresser, looking through one of the drawers. He pulled out a maroon sweater with the Gryffindor emblem on the cornerâhe loved that sweater. You knew he did.
Without batting an eye he placed it in your hands and nodded at you when you looked up at him unsurely. You peeked down at the soft sweater in your hands and then back at him. "Thank you."
The corners of his lips tugged upwards as he looked at you. "Of course."
You didn't go back to the bathroom to change straight away, and maybe that was because it felt like you couldn't. The air between you and James had felt off since that morning and still felt heavy now. You were all too aware of it and you were sure James was as well.
He rubbed his hands down the side of his legs quickly, a nervous habit, rocking back on his heels. He peered up at you through his lashes with unsureness and a bit of something else.
The silence seemed to stretch until it wore thin, and just as you were about to speak again, James beat you to it.
"Look," he began slowly, albeit shakily. His tone scared you. It took on a seriousness you seldom heard from James. "About last night-"
"James," you cut in. You knew what he was about to say, about to do. You didn't think you could stand there and listen to him do it. At your voice he stopped, eyes rapt with attention. "You don't have to ... we don't have to talk about it. I get it."
And you did. You knew he didn't see you in the same way you saw him. If he felt he had to formally reject you you'd save him from the trouble, half because you knew how kind he was and half because you knew you wouldn't be able to stand it.
He stared down at you with a stilled expression, though his eyes seemed to flicker across every inch of your face. You didn't know what he was thinking. Maybe relief.
"Let's just forget about it, okay?"
He still had that look on his face that you couldn't read. With his lips parted and the shadow of a crease between his brows, he nodded.
"Okay. Er, Yeah."
Maybe you knew in the back of your mind that James wanted to say more, that things weren't okay, but a bit of you selfishly just wanted to run away from the conversation.
You didn't end up running, of course, but you smiled at him assuringly before leaving for the bathroom again, him and his searching eyes behind you. You put on the sweater he'd given you, the fabric soft with a comforting weight heavy on your skin. Looking in the mirror, it was much too big on you and had you rolling up the sleeves, but the sight of you in it made you freeze up.
A feeling weighty and intense fluttered through you, but you didn't want to even think about why. It didn't help that you swore the sweater smelt cozy and familiar, like James's cologne.
Ignore, ignore, ignore.
That would be like your new mantra. It would have to be.
You opened the door to the bathroom again and went back into the dorm to where the boys were all sprawled around the floor still. You took the open spot next to Peter and across from James.
Once again Peter began muttering his apologies to you, all of which you warmly promised to him were unnecessary. Somehow, you knew James was looking at you.
You peeked over at him and saw that the feeling in your gut was right. His eyes raked over the sweater you wore delicately, slightly widened, before meeting yours.
You ignored the increased speed of your heartbeat in your chest, underneath his sweater. Mouthing a "thank you," to him one last time, you made yourself look away. The prank wouldn't finish itself.
For the next couple of hours the five of you continued working on the prank, avoiding all spills and chatting through all of it. Well, mainly you chatting with Sirius, Remus, and Peter. Maybe you were the reason for it subconsciously, but you probably spoke to James the least the whole night. And you weren't sure if it was just in your head, but he seemed offânot his usual loud James self. If it had anything to do with you, you wanted to kick yourself for it.
Was this how things were going to be now? Feeling tense whenever you were in the same room as him?
You told yourself of course not, that James was your best friend and that one night wouldn't and couldn't change that. But then why did it feel so impossible to look him in the eyes?
After another half hour or so James stopped working and said he wanted to head to bed early for Quidditch practice tomorrow. You all wished him goodnight, and he brushed past you, disappearing into the bathroom for a moment before slumping into bed.
James had never been a night owl, but even for him it was early. From the looks the four of you shared with each other wordlessly you could tell they were thinking the same thing.
None of you said anything aloud until a few minutes had gone by and without James stirring.
"Thank God he's off to bed," cut in Sirius, voice only lowered slightly for James's sake. "Now we can talk about what the hell happened last night between you two." He flashes his brows at you and you felt like dying.
"Sirius-"
"That was one hell of a kiss wasn't it?"
He turned to Peter and Remus who both gave their own looks of agreement, or secret amusement, much to your misery.
"You guys," you began with uneasiness. "I really don't feel like talking about this. Let's please not make this into something it's not."
"Something it's not?" Sirius blanched. "Did you see the kiss?"
"Obviously not, Sirius." Peter cut in with a laugh that could mean nothing good. "She was the one doing it. Eyes closed and everything."
"Oh my God."
"Oh, come on," rang Sirius again. "We're not gonna ignore this."
You lifted your head up from where you'd buried it in your hands, reaching for another empty shampoo bottle. "Yes, we are."
He reached for a bottle of his own. "No, we're not. Not if you two are gonna keep acting like this forever."
You paused, feeling caught. "Acting like what?"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Don't play dumb with me here. The two of you have been weird around each other since the kiss. More weird than usual."
"He's right." Remus's unhelpful input on top of Sirius's half-offensive prying made your head start to spin. "You could cut the tension in here with a bloody knife."
Sirius scoffed in agreement. "Sexual tension, more like."
You shook your head tightly, mouth going dry, cheeks going warm. "I don't know what you're all talking about, and if we could stop talking about this now I'd really appreciate it." You looked back anxiously to where James was sleeping in his bed, dangerously close to where the four of you sat and definitely within hearing distance.
"Yeah right," Sirius laughed, though when you glared at him he lowered his voice obediently. "You're telling me that you don't feel anything for James after that? Anything at all?"
With three pairs of eyes staring at you, the lie felt sour on your tongue. "Yes."
"Oh, what a load of- Ow!"
Sirius yelped as you threw a bottle of shampoo at his arm, aggravated by all his yelling when James was slept a few feet away. For all you knew he could've been secretly awake, though the light snoring coming from his bed assured you otherwise.
"You've never been a good liar," chimed Remus, and you were this close to chucking something at him too. "You have to admit there's something there."
"Yeah." Sirius shrugged. "Maybe it was the reason you couldn't get a date to the Yule Ball last year."
Suddenly it felt like someone had slapped you across the face hours ago and left a red hot sting. You blinked at him like your ears were deceiving you. "Excuse me?"
Remus stared between the two of you with a foreboding expression, turning to Sirius in warning. "Sirius."
He didn't heed his friend's call, staying focused on you with a lightness to his drawl that made you want to smack him. "All I'm saying is, maybe you couldn't get a date because you were really just hung up on James. And maybe other people could see that."
You noticed Peter and Remus grimacing on either side of you, but even they didn't seem to disagree.
"What the hell?" you rang sharply, feeling like you were the only one hearing Sirius's idiotic theory for the first time. "Me not having a date to the dance was a choice, Sirius."
The boy nodded, a shadow of amusement hiding on his lips and raised eyebrows. "Yeah. It was." His answer only made you more angry.
"I could've gotten a date if I'd wanted to."
"I'm sure you could've."
You knew he was trying to be a pain in the arse, and that he knew it was working. Your cheeks heated at your tone and the fact that you felt like some defiant child throwing a tantrum. The fact didn't leave your mind as you stood up from the floor and began to turn to leave.
"Where are you going?" called Peter. You stopped in your tracks, glaring deliberately at Sirius.
"I already have Marlene prying me about this, so I really don't need to deal with more of it from you guys."
The three of them shared a look, whether scared or amused you didn't know.
"No more talking about the kiss. In fact, it didn't even happen. From this moment on, there will be no more kiss-talk. Got it?"
You noticed your reprimanding stance and the finger you had pointed at the three of them and momentarily felt like McGonagall.
They each nodded, Sirius putting his hands up in feigned innocence. You put your accusing finger in your pocket, but noticed the ruffling of a paper inside it:Â the thank-you note you'd written for James. In all your awkwardness you'd forgotten to give it to him like you always did.
Not looking back at the others for the looks you knew they were continuing to share, you walked over to James's bed where he lay soundlessly with his back to you. A bare shoulder rose and fell in a steady rhythm as you placed the slightly crumpled piece of paper delicately on his nightstand.
You turned back around and walked to the door to leave, stopping quickly to say goodbye.
"Night," you said curtly. Three pairs of wry eyes stared up at you knowingly.
With a huff, you ignored them and went back to your dorm for the night, thoughts of whatever the hell Sirius was talking about floating heavily through your mind.
summary - With rumors flying all around the school, it seems like the very last thing you need is any more drama. Nevertheless, it's come time for the annual party in the Gryffindor common room, and something in your gut is telling you that the drama isn't going to die down just yet.
wc [5.0k]
all chapters | <- Chapter 3 - Chapter 5 ->
You didn't know why you'd let Marlene and Lily talk you into thinking your outfit was a good idea. It had felt like it'd be something fun and new while you were coddled in the comfort of your dorm, but now that you were in the crowded Gryffindor common room in the middle of a party, you reckoned you'd give it twenty more minutes before you went back upstairs to change.
The fabric of your top hugged your body in a way you didn't think you'd ever get used to, and the stoop of the neckline only had you more on edge. You toyed with the necklace you were wearing, idling against the steps on the far side of the bustling room.
"Stop overthinking your outfit and go party."
Marlene strolled in from next to you wearing a tired smirk, swirling around a cup of something you couldn't see but could certainly smell.
Your lips parted in surprise. "How did you-"
"Your face gives away how you're feeling like reading a book." She took a sip of her drink, wincing. "Surprised Potter hasn't found out you're in lo-"
With widened eyes you swatted her in the arm, coming close to knocking over her beloved drink. She reeled back. "What the bloody hell was that for?"
"Not so loud." You scolded in a hushed tone, peeking around at the dozens of people hovering around the both of you in the tight space of the common room. "And I'm not in love with him, Marlene." You crossed your arms in front of your chest, rubbing at the sides of them. "I'm over him."
"First of all, it's a party. No one can hear us." You looked past Marlene to all the dancing people around you, rowdy and probably not listening, and sighed. She was probably right, but that didn't change the fact that her voicing your feeling for James allowed made your mind flare in alarm, especially after all the rumors going around. "You know I'm right," she deadpanned. "Second of all, no you're not."
You stared at her confusedly, until she mouthed "over James."
Your lips parted in offense. "Yes I am." She titled her head at you like she pitied you and it made you want to shake her senseless until she believed you. "I've been moving on steadily," you chided again, nodding like you were declaring it to yourself too. "I mean it."
And you did. At least you were trying to mean it. That didn't mean it wasn't hard.
You'd been wandering through the crowd in search of nothing in particular, maybe a drink, when you heard a laughâJames's laugh. He'd always had the kind of laugh that you always recognize, even across a crowded room. It was filled with a bubbling homeliness that you always found yourself missing, and right now, it had you finally making your way towards him through the crowd. You felt a surge of nervousness settle underneath your skin when you saw him.
You came to stand behind him, finding him with Remus, and tapped him on his shoulder. He turned curiously behind him, noticing it was you who had tapped him as his face greeted yours with a smile.
You opened your mouth to say hello, but a dancing someone bumped into you from behind, sending you stumbling forward. James caught you, hands steadily holding your waist as your hands braced against his chest.
You knew you'd flushed right away, feeling the warmth on your cheeks as soon as you felt James's firm chest beneath your fingers. You didn't think he noticed though, because he was too busy trying to scope out whoever had bumped into you.
"Hey," he called sternly to the boy now to your right, tone harboring indignation. You shook your head, gingerly squeezing James's arm to get his attention. You ignored the obvious muscles of his bicep in your hand.
"Don't worry about it," you told James lowly. "It was probably an accident."
He turned back to you, hands still holding onto your waist steadyingly. "He pushed you."
You smiled in affection at his reaction. "It's a party. And I'm fine, promise."
Letting out a breath through his nose, James relented, turning to give you his full attention. A second went by before he said anything, and you hated how focused you were on the feelings of his hands still on your waist, meeting the bare skin revealed by the top you were wearing.
"Wow," he whispered. He said something else that you couldn't hear, and you frowned.
"What?" you asked, and right away James stooped his head downwards so that his lips rested right by your ear.
"I said," he began softly, hand still braced on your torso as your entire body lit aflame. "You look beautiful."
You were momentarily stunned, basking in the way just the three words had you speechless in his arms. You looked down at your shoes, James's eyes trained on you with interest.
"James," you whispered reluctantly as he complimented you, and he let a lopsided grin plaster over his lips. He stooped down further and met your lowered eyes with a glimmer in his own, not letting you escape him.
"I mean it," he insisted softly.
He stood back up fully, taking a step back, and you could finally think straight. But then you took in his own appearance and your mind was hazing over again, because all you could think about was how good he looked.
His chocolatey curls were perfectly messy but shining, and the formfitting t-shirt he was wearing paired with his jeans made him look like he came straight out of a catalog, though you were sure he hadn't given more than a second thought to the outfit. James always looked effortlessly handsome in that way.
Before you could compliment him back, you heard a voice call James's name. He turned towards it, a familiar boy greeting him with a rugged hug. When they pulled apart, he began asking him something about Quidditch.
As Captain, James had been determined to assemble a winning team that year, something he'd mentioned in his letters to you over the summer. The two began talking more avidly, and you took that as your time to leave and go find the others. James noticed right away and turned to you, lightly holding your elbow.
"Where are you off to, Love?"
Love. You shook the word away. "I'm just gonna go find the guys."
James nodded but looked troubled, glancing between the boy he was talking to and you. You put your hand on his, nodding reassuringly. "It's alright," you promised. "I'll meet you in a bit?"
He thought for a second before nodding. You walked off, soon hearing him strike up more conversation with the boy from behind you, their voices raised over the loud music. You went to go find something to drink, to chase away whatever you'd just felt talking to James.
A few more hours into the night had people's brains turning fuzzier, movements turning loser, and laughter getting louder. You'd went back up to your dorm room for a minute to use the bathroom, the line in the common room much too long, and by the time you came back down the stairs, a small crowd had gathered around the couch and fireplace in a circle.
You took in the scene with interest as you neared it, seeing all your friends compiled in the group too. Half sat lazily on the couch and half on the floor with their backs to the lowly simmering fire. Then you noticed the bottle sitting in the center of the circle, noticing the round of Spin the Bottle going on with dreadful recognition.
Seeing you, Marlene immediately called you over and you shook your head right away.
"Absolutely not," you said before she could even get the words out to ask you to join.
She scoffed, pouting. "Come on, even Lily's playing."
From beside her, the ginger reeled at her tone offensively.
"Oh please," argued Marlene before turning back to you. She yanked your arm excitedly until you were sitting on the ground next to her, facing the couch where James, Sirius, Peter, and a few other students sat.
Remus stood leaning against the back of the couch with a bottle to his lips, and you caught his glimmering eyes as he dryly smiled down at you before tipping his head back to drink. You noticed the bottle he held in his hands was the same as the one that sat in the middle of the haphazard circle you'd all made.
You wanted to leave, figuring that there were probably few people in the entirety of the room you'd be remotely okay with kissing, but Marlene wasn't having any of it. You watched reluctance as Mary explained the rules of the game to everyone, jittery and full of suggestive smiles.
You let your eyes drift to where James sat in front of you on the couch, and he met your nervous eyes with a sort of amused twinkle in his own, seeming absolutely unfazed by the idea of the game. You gave him the most casual smile you could and he leaned back in his seat, legs sprawled lazily with his arm around the back of the sofa. He tilted his head to the side and made a weird but funny face down at you. You laughed under your breath, hiding it behind your hand from Marlene who you could feel watching your interaction through your peripheral.
"Everyone gets a turn," instructed Mary, voice fighting against the tunes of ABBA in the background. "Whoever the bottle lands on you have to kiss. Simple." She pointed a warning finger around. "Kisses on the cheek will not be tolerated."
The circle all gave chuckles of their own, while the uneasiness of it all set you on edge.
"If you opt out of a kiss you have to drink up to the next line." Mary picked up the bottle in the middle of the circle, and you watched as she pointed to the black lines drawn on the side of the glass bottle. "And don't worry, we made sure to get the strong stuff, so be wise about opting out!" More laughing came as she winked, putting the bottle back down on its side.
"I think I'll go first," she said, a satisfied smile plastering itself to her glossed-over lips.
Crawling forward onto her knees, she reached for the bottle on the floor in front of her and spun it. Every pair of eyes watched intently as it went round and round before landing slightly to your left, pointing to the blonde-haired girl beside you.
Immediately people cheered and laughed, watching it all go down with fascinated interest fueled by the many drinks of the night.
"Drink up Mary," joked Peter from the couch. Mary smiled even more than she already was, looking up at him with a tilted head.
"Why would I?"
Then she crawled back next to Marlene who met her with an interested raise of her brows, and waited just a second before leaning forward and kissing the blonde. Wolf whistles and cheers exploded from all around at the kiss.
You turned back to your two friends as they pulled away from each other, cheeky grins encapsulating their faces.
"Who's next?" asked Mary, unfazed as she sat back in her spot.
Sirius looked between the two girls with a slack jaw. "That was hot."
You rolled your eyes, glancing over at Marlene from next to you and nudging her in the arm playfully, happy to be on the other end of the gesture. She ignored you and kept her eyes forward inside the circle, but that didn't stop you from noticing her trying to bite back her smile.
The game continued, going clockwise around the circle from Mary. There were more kisses shared and more wolf-whistling, the bottle in the middle slowly draining after each swig that had your classmates wincing painfully every time.
The game had gotten to the other side of the circle, reaching where Remus stood against the back of the couch.
"Come on Lupin," sang Frank from across the circle. Remus shook his head, arms crossed.
"Count me out." He held up the drink that was already in his hand and knocking it back swiftly. How he could drink it so easily, you had no clue.
"Alright then," complied Mary, clapping her hands together. "Who's next?"
You all followed the line of sight from Remus over to his right, where James sat in conversation with Sirius to his own right.
"Potter!" Mary yelled, and the brunette's eyes snapped over in alarm to where she and her pointed look sat on the ground. "You're up."
Brows raised, he sat up straighter in his seat, laughing softly. A horrifying fact struck you as his eyes landed on the bottle before himâno matter where it landed, you didn't think you'd be okay with whatever followed.
Whoever the bottle landed on, you'd have to watch as James kissed a girl right in front of you and act completely unphased by it. Even with all the talks you'd had with him about Lily, you weren't even sure that was something you could do. You told yourself it didn't matter and that it was part of some game. That didn't change the fact that actually watching him with someone else might hurt too much.
James, who was directly across from you, sat completely forward on the couch to reach for the bottle and his eyes met yours through his dark lashes. The sides of his mouth perked up in a boyish grin and you let yours do the same, albeit strained. You didn't like the way you could hear your own heart start to pick up as James's hand neared the bottle.
He focused back on it, fingers winding the cool glass before spinning it. Everything seemed to slow down in the seconds that it slid in circles on the maroon rug beneath it, a dizzying feeling taking over you. It seemed to spin for hours, each pair of eyes in the group plastered to it like it was something hypnotizing. You swore that the second the bottle stilled, so did your heartbeat and all the thoughts in your head.
It was pointing at you. It was pointing at you.
A red-hot feeling of alarm blared in your chest, your thin smile dropping as you swallowed. Nobody had said anything yet, or maybe you just couldn't hear them over the blood rushing through your ears.
You slowly looked up from the bottle that remained aimed straight at you and up to James, who sat directly on the other end of it. He was already watching you.
You couldn't read from his face what he was thinking, but the intensity with which his eyes met yours made something in your chest pinch. The two of you looked at each other wordlessly for a second before James looked away first, looking down and rubbing at his neck. Sirius shook his shoulder.
"The bottle has spoken," he rang mockingly, grin a mile wide as he looked between the both of you. "C'mon you two."
"Yeah," urged Peter, and others started to join in, shouts of agreement and clapping ringing through your ears from all directions. James looked around at everyone besides you, shaking his head.
"There won't be any kissing." He said it like it was something clear, something that should've been known from the start. You watched him, unmoving. You didn't know what to think, lips parted as you sat helplessly on the ground.
A few people booed, disappointment evident. Sirius scoffed, sighing. "Then drink up, mate."
You looked on as James shifted his gaze to the bottle in front of him wordlessly. You knew he didn't dare drink around Quidditch season and that he was leading Gryffindor's first practice on Monday, but he still leaned forward to pick up the bottle. You didn't even recognize what you were doing until you said the words.
"It's okay."
James's eyes snapped up to look at you, actions pausing abruptly. He frowned down at you, brows softly furrowing in confusion. "What?"
"It's okay," you repeated, not knowing what the hell you were doing. You could feel the stares of everyone pricking on your skin. "Don't ... don't drink it."
He retracted his arm away from the bottle again, sitting up. "Are- ... are you sure?"
Absolutely not.
"Yeah."
A beat passed before everyone began cheering again, and you felt like crawling into yourself because you really didn't think this through. Kissing your best friend? That sure was one way to get over him.
You took an unsteady breath in as you sat up onto your heels, eyes set on James expectantly. When he realized you were serious, you watched as he sat up even straighter, a muscle in his jaw working as he peered at you.
He still seemed unbelieving, so you nodded at him assuringly, trying to seem lighthearted while your heart beat heavily. With a note of seriousness, he surveyed you for another second before finally getting out of his seat and nearing where you sat on the ground, sinking to a knee.
The low base of the music seemed to beat in time with your own heart, the sound seeming louder than anything else in the room to you. James's eyes never left yours despite it all, the never-ending glow of his hazel eyes weighing into your own with his gaze that seemed to sink your stomach bottomlessly. Then he got closer, leaning forward hesitantly like you'd fly away with quick movement, a mesmerizing sight.
Did he look at all the girls he kissed like that? How many girls had he kissed? How many girls had been on the other end of that look before? Merlin knows how many wanted to be. You knew people were watching, waiting, but it felt like it was just you and James in a sea of blurred sights and sounds.
A curl of his brushed against your head, soft enough to send a rush through you. Were you really about to do this?
Like he was reading your mind, he whispered, "We don't have to, you know."
You nodded delicately, but steadily. "I know."
His eyes seemed to dance in circles around your face, floating from either of your eyes and then down to your lips. You went still, letting your eyes fan shut at the feeling of his hand softly holding your cheek.
Behind the black cloaks of your eyelids, you couldn't see anything at all, only feel. You sat still, waiting for what you knew was coming, for the feeling of James's lips.
In a second, they brushed against yours, feather-light and hesitant. His fingers grazed over your cheekbone. Sightless, you leaned forward in the darkness like jumping into unknown waters, and it was you who closed the distance.
Your lips met with shyness, the kind that had every inch of you buzzing. His lips were soft, gentle and forgiving, until you felt James lean into the kiss, deepening it like something inside of him was pulling him closer to you, something he couldn't deny. The feeling consumed you and it felt like you were suffocating. Not because of a lack of air but because of the storm of butterflies that seemed to crash through you right away.
You'd expected him to pull away after a second, make the kiss as short as possible. But he didn't; Neither did you.
It struck you like the crash of a wave how much you liked kissing him, how natural it felt. People around you were cheering and whooping and, for a second, it felt like it was the sound of something right, of this thing you'd had for James ending in success. But you knew that wasn't true. It was anything but.
In alarm at just how public the kiss was, you finally pulled away, not knowing how long it had even lasted.
You were breathless, chest rising and sinking rapidly. You took in the sight of James, eyes scanning over his flushed cheeks and slightly swollen lips that had some of your lip gloss on them. It made you dizzy to think that you'd been the one to put it there.
You met his eyes and, like a magnet, the way he seemed to look at you made it feel impossible to move, made all the other sounds in the common room drown away. He swallowed, eyes flickering between both of yours, and you still couldn't tell what he was thinking.
Like coming up for air, you finally looked away from him and let yourself face everyone around you who'd seen it all, watching as your heart seemed to swell for the few seconds that the kiss lasted and then shrivel back up right before their eyes.
They each sported their own looks of both surprise and entertainment, clapping and whistling following the two of you the whole time it took James to sit back down on the couch.
There seemed to be an underlying hesitancy for a moment, like there was more to be said, but it vanished as fast as it came and Mary was calling for the next turn like clockwork.
For a moment it felt as if maybe the whole thing hadn't really happened at all, like it had been something your mind imagined in desperation. But from the way James looked, you knew it had happened.
You glanced up at him again and he was already looking at you. Pathetically, with the little strength you had left in you, you offered him another strained smile. He didn't give one back.
Your heart dropped and it felt like you were sinking. You looked away again, trying to focus on the game as if an earthquake wasn't rattling your brain all the while. You felt James look away from you finally, staring somewhere low towards his hands, maybe the rug, eyes blown wide, expression unrevealing.
You didn't think you could sit there any longer. Had he figured out how you feel about him? Was he trying to think of a way to let you down easily?
You could almost feel both Marlene and Lily's gazes on your face from either side, not helping you feel any less suffocated.
Sirius had taken his turn, kissing a girl in the year below, but you hadn't paid true attention to any of it. By the time Peter was spinning the bottle you felt your legs standing up from beneath you.
Lily stopped you, grabbing your hand as she whispered, "Where are you going?"
"Bathroom," you answered plainly, squeezing her hand reassuringly before letting go of it and leaving the circle of people. You had to push your way through the crowded room to get to the nearest bathroom in the dormitories.
Once you got inside, you walked towards the sink, taking in your appearance. You looked like you'd seen a ghost. Your first instinct was to splash water on your face, wake yourself up from whatever the hell was going on, but stopped yourself, remembering the makeup you were wearing.
It wasn't fair. This wasn't fair.
Maybe it was your own fault for even going through with the kiss, but that was something you blamed on the drink you'd had and the circle of people surrounding you, waiting. You'd thought it would be a peck, something that'd give you a blush that you could hide in the low lighting of the party, nothing more. You'd been doing goodâgood about not thinking about your feelings for James, that is.
But nothing could have prepared you for what you were feeling now: Confusion, because how could he have kissed you like that if it wouldn't mean anything tomorrow? Frustration with yourself, because you felt your control slipping from your grasp with every breath you took, with the way your lips still simmered from the kiss.
Everything you'd done to protect yourself, to stop yourself from feeling the hurt you'd become accustomed to for years, was becoming useless. The months you spent away in France over the summer trying to forget about James and his warm gaze and stupidly cute smile were being shot down the drain.
It felt so unfair. You were so sure you were losing feelings. It must have been a temporary trick of the mind because, through just a few moments, you felt that pit in your stomach that told you were rapidly falling back down to square one.
You had to pull yourself together and snap out of whatever this was. You knew where this helpless road ended and you weren't going to let one night ruin the rest of your year.
James didn't feel the same about you as you did for himâit was plain and simple. He never had, and he never would.
Not when you were his best friend, his "number one wingman." Not when Lily was around, effortlessly graceful and the sole person who'd had James whipped for years.
With a sting in your heart, you thought back to the moments before the kiss, where James had spun the bottle, probably hoping it would land on the red-haired girl beside you, only for it to land on you. Hell, he was even willing to drink from that mystery bottle if it meant he wouldn't have to kiss you. You thought back to the dreamâor nightmare, reallyâthat you'd had that summer, and the way James's words had stung you to the point where you could really feel it, even if it was a dream.
"As if I'd ever see you in that way..."
"...Dating you would be like dating my little sister..."
"...You're not Lily, alright? You never will be."
You probably looked desperate before the kiss, making him feel like he had to kiss you after you so plainly asked him to. You looked the part now, taking in your reflection in the mirror that blurred from your watering eyes.
You wiped them right away, feeling ridiculous. This whole thing was ridiculous. You weren't going to cry in a bathroom during a party over a kiss; you had that much pride.
You took another second to pull yourself together before leaving the bathroom, fighting through the crowd of people again to find that your friends weren't where you left them, but on the other side of the room by the drinks table.
You made your way over to them, frowning. "What happened to Spin the Bottle?"
Marlene, Mary, and Lily all turned towards you in unison, the latter scanning over you like a worried mother. "Are you alright?"
You nodded quickly, dismissive. "Yeah, I'm fine. What happened to the game?" The three of them shared a look before Mary answered you.
"It kinda died down after you and James left."
You paused, looking between them with a concerned frown and dread that you couldn't hide. "James left?" They nodded. "Where did he go?"
Marlene shrugged. "Don't know." Then, she spotted something from behind you, waving a hand. "Hey, Black!" she snapped, and you turned to see Sirius, Remus, and Peter coming down the steps from the boys' dormitories. Sirius noticed her calling and the three of them came over to where you stood.
"What happened to Potter?" Marlene demanded for you. "Where'd he go?"
At the question, Sirius seemed to pause, glancing to the others briefly.
"He was tired," Remus answered for him. "Wanted to get get good sleep for Quidditch practice or something."
Marlene looked between the three of them skeptically, before nodding. "Right," she drawled, and moved to leave, walking between Sirius and Remus. Lily and Mary followed, but you stayed behind.
"Quidditch practice starts on Monday," you said flatly after they left, staring between the three boys who stood shifty before you.
"He said he doesn't feel like partying anymore," said Peter quickly, and the two others turned to him as if he'd spilled some sort of secret. You frowned, worry and confusion evident in your expression.
"Look," said Sirius with a sober tone. "We don't know for sure why he's went off to bed, but you can probably guess."
You stared at him and his serious expression, and realized with a twinge in your chest that you probably could: He was avoiding you.
"Yeah," you agreed lowly, head tipped downwardsâyou should've never kissed him. But you knew you couldn't take it back now.
You let your eyes wander from the floor to the table of drinks next to you, figuring that maybe a drink could do you some good.
Taking hold of a cup that was already filled amongst the rows of others, against your better judgement, you tipped your head back and drank from it until your throat burned and the cup felt light in your hands. You heard Peter gasp in surprise.
"Hey, woah," Remus chided, taking the cup from your hands. "I don't need every last one of you hungover tomorrow, yeah?"
You squinted at him, whether from the taste of the alcohol or your annoyance you didn't know. "You've been drinking all bloody night."
Sirius laughed from next to you, taking your cup from Remus and finishing whatever little was left. "Moony has a conceringly high alcholol tolerance." Peter nodded in agreement, Remus shrugging as you glared at him.
"Fine," you said, pressing a hand to your temple. The smell of alcohol mixed with the blaring music and whatever you were feeling right then was giving you a headache, and the quiet of your dorm room was starting to sound a little too appeasing. Plus, you had the feeling your mind wouldn't find peace unless you went to sleep
"Maybe I should just go to bed too." You chewed at the inside of your bottom lip. "Tell James I said goodnight when you see him." You didn't miss the way the three of them glanced around at each other concernedly but nodded anyway. "See you guys in the morning."
You waved goodbye to them and made the walk back towards the girls' dorms, finding Marlene and Lily in the crowd and wishing them goodnight too.
In the time it took you to get ready for bed, you decided that tomorrow you were going to move onâseriously move onâfrom whatever happened tonight, and the past few nights, and maybe the past few years too. You didn't think you had the mental strength to keep worrying, especially not when you'd been trying to stop your mind from replaying your kiss with James in your head for the last thirty minutes.
You crashed down onto your bed, feeling like you carried the weight of the world on your chest but convincing yourself it was only a feather if only to fall asleep for the night. You might've ruined everything, but at least your bed was comfy.
summary - Even with things going back to normal, like your yearly Hogwarts classes, not everything is staying the same. Not to mention the fact that it's getting harder and harder to ignore your feelings for a certain someone, especially as drama starts to spread around the school.
wc [5.2k]
all chapters | <- Chapter 2 - Chapter 4 ->
The longer you went through the next day, the more you regretted staying up so late doing that prank. Your tiredness seemed to hang over you like a rain cloud all morning, and the fact that you now had to go to Potions wasn't helping in any way.
You'd all gathered into the dungeon of a classroom and went to your regular seats from the years before, you and James always being Potions partners every year without fail. The minute you sat down, Slughorn waltzed into the classroom with a walk much too merry for how the majority of the class appeared to be feeling at the moment.
"Not so fast," he sang, looking around at the seats you all had taken. "I'll be selecting your Potions partners this year, in the hopes it will inspire some ... productivity." He scanned the room, and you swore his gaze settled on Sirius for a beat longer than everyone else, and your lips quirked up. "Let's make the year interesting, shall we?"
The disbelieving stares from everyone in the room told you that nobody else seemed to care very much about keeping things 'interesting,' something that didn't phase Slughorn as he ordered you all to the back of the room. The class was one you shared with Slytherins, a fact that hadn't left everyone else either. You could've sworn it was death row from the looks on your classmates' faces.
"Matilda Rosier," called Slughorn, a short Slytherin girl taking the first seat at the corner of the room.
"Remus Lupin."
You all watched as Remus took a seat on the stool next to the girl in the green robes, offering her a friendly, albeit awkward, smile that she returned with an almost lifeless stare. You fought back a snort.
"Marcus Craggy," he then called. The broad-shouldered boy marched to the front of the room, well-known and well-disliked by half the Gryffindors in the school for his position as the captain of Slytherin's Quidditch team.
"Sirius Black."
Clearly, Slughorn wanted nothing but pure chaos this year. Sirius didn't hold his groan back, stomping over and dropping his bags down on the table next to Craggy without care. James grimaced amusedly at it all from behind you.
More names were called and only a few of you were left standing at the back of the room, including both you and James. Your hope of actually being paired with him was growing, especially after noticing at least two pairs of partners in the same house, but you didn't think you had that kind of luck.
Slughorn finally called your name next and you gave James a hopeful look before taking your seat. You sat impatiently, waiting for the sound of Slughorn's voice to announce who'd sit in the empty stool next to you.
"Sebastian Vance."
You couldn't stop the way you sat up straighter in your seat at the sound of the boy's name. Images from the first night back flickered across your mind, of the way you'd met his eyes across the Great Hall, replaying the way your friends had all had a grand time poking fun at you. You were sure Marlene was somewhere off in the distance smirking.
The sound of the wooden stool next to you moving against the stone floor stole your attention, along with the green-robed figure next to it. He took his seat, holding out a gentlemanly hand in greeting, teeth showing through his inviting smile.
"I'm Sebastian," he greeted casually, "but I guess you just heard Slughorn just say that."
You shook his hand as he introduced himself, the corners of your lips turning up. "I'm- you also probably just heard Slughorn say my name."
"Yeah," he said honestly, the both of you softly laughing. Something about Sebastian seemed to invite you in, all warm skin and bright eyes, and he had a bright smile to match. There was something about him that could have anyone charmed him in a matter of seconds.
The two of you kept talking for a few minutes, seeming to be one of the only pairings to actually engage with each other, and something settled peacefully inside of you when you'd determined maybe this class wouldn't be so horrible with Sebastian as a partner. You'd remembered he was always good at potions too, a comforting thought.
"We should probably focus," you said a few minutes later. "He already dislikes me enough." You gestured over to where Slughorn began lecturing at the front of the room. "I'm God awful at potions. Slughorn never let me forget it last year."
Sebastian shrugged. "Who cares about what he thinks anyway?"
You peered at him in wry amusement. "You? I thought you were in his Slug Club or something."
"That's more for my parent's sake than my own. Trust me, I think I'd be okay without the privilege of small talking with Sluggy."
Your jaw lightly dropped, and you fought to smother your amusement. When the two of you stopped talking, you searched subtly around the room for James, missing the mention of his name being called by Slughorn. You frowned when you couldn't find him, until you risked turning fully in your seat and finding him in the seat directly behind you.
He had a firm set to his brow that lightened when you cheekily smiled at him, noticing the quiet Slytherin boy he was sitting next to. He mouthed what you thought was a 'help me,' and you rolled your eyes at him, turning back around in your seat.
Slughorn had finally assigned a potion for each pair to brew, listing out the ingredients and steps to the room. You'd volunteered to go collect the ingredients from the front of the room while Sebastian got your cauldron to the right temperature.
You and half the class crowded around the shelves along the far wall, and you stepped into the line that had formed. There was some conversation meeting your ears busily, but the hushed voices of two Slytherin girls a few feet ahead of you were what grabbed your attention.
"Yeah, she and Potter," one of them whispered not-so quietly. You focused on them at the mention of James's name, interest peaking confusedly.
"How do we know that's what they were doing?" the other one asked.
The first girl scoffed. "Two people walk out of a broom closet together out of breath. What do you think they were doing?"
Your stomach dropped at the words that left the girl's mouth, momentarily stunned. It didn't matter that they hadn't said your name directly; you knew exactly what they were talking about. Or at least you thought you did. A thousand questions swarmed through your headâHow had they seen you and James? What the hell were they implying?
For a second, you tried to force your mind to slow down and consider the possibility that maybe they'd been discussing something else. But the way that they both seemed to falter after turning around to see you standing behind them confirmed it.
One of them looked visibly awkward, looking anywhere but at you as she returned to her seat. The other gave you a judging look that you didn't like as if you'd done something worthy of shame. Even if you wanted to say something to her, put her in her place, you felt too stunned and confused to think of anything to possibly say.
You'd tried to put the incident out of your mind, collecting the ingredients you needed to brew your potion and returning to your seat next to Sebastian. Forgetting it seemed all too difficult as you became suddenly more aware of everyone around you, of the way the same two girls and a few more seemed to be glancing at you ever so often. You couldn't seem to make sense of what was happening. Sebastian definitely noticed something was wrong, but you'd brushed off his questioning and tried to hang onto your sanity for the rest of the class.
The moment Slughorn dismissed you, you'd left the room with rushed steps that your friends had to jog to catch up with.
"What's with the rush?" Remus asked you, quickly catching up to you with his long legs and brisk strides.
"Nothing, I just-" you shrugged, distracted. "Don't like Potions."
"Me neither," rang James, tone grim and weighed with audible irritation. Sirius gave him a look, rebutting with something about his own Potions partner, but the noise of your busy mind drowned the conversation out as you continued walking through the halls, lost in your thoughts.
James moved closer to you and nudged you softly in the side, giving you a private and questioning look. "What's wrong?"
You glanced up at him shiftily. "What makes you think something's wrong?"
"You always make that face when you're upset about something." Your expression stilled as you became suddenly conscious of the tug of your brow and the tenseness in your face. "C'mon, what's the matter?"
You took a second before answering, looking around wearily. "Do you feel like people are ... looking at us?" You scanned the hallways that seemed to be lined with chattering students. Maybe it was all in your head, but whispers seemed to leave the mouths of half the people you walked past as soon as they saw you.
"I don't know." James looked out into the crowded hallway with an air of casualty. " 'Suppose I haven't really paid attention."
If people really were staring, it figured James wouldn't think much of it. Your friend certainly had his fair share of popularity around the castle with all the girls who were obsessed with Golden Boy Quidditch Captain James Potter. Even being constantly in his presence, his confident habits hadn't rubbed off on you, something that was difficult to ignore right then as people seemed to be glancing your way left and right.
You wanted to tell him what you'd heard in Potions, if only to try to make sense of it, but you didn't think you knew how you'd go about even phrasing something like that to him. You were suddenly impossibly aware of James's close proximity to you and the way his arm brushed against yours ever so often as you walked. You wanted to crawl into yourself by the time you made it to your next class, and the feeling stayed with you for the rest of the day, along with an unignorable pool of dread at the bottom of your stomach.
It might have been in your head before, but now you were one hundred percent sure you weren't imagining the stares from people as you walked into the Great Hall for dinner. They would look at you, then over at James, and then continue on with their whispering as if it wasn't painfully obvious to you that people were talking about you. Judging from the conversation the two girls in your Potions class had been having, you had a dreadful suspicion you knew exactly what people were talking about.
You were able to ignore it for most of the day and even half of dinner, until you watched as three different Gryffindor fourth-years quite literally stood up from their seats to get a better look at you from down the table, practically straining their necks. You dropped your fork.
"Okay, that's it." You shook your head angrily, rising from your seat to leave.
James noticed and tugged at your wrist, frowning up at you. "Hey, where are you going? What's wrong?"
You peered down at his concerned eyes and the cluelessness behind his gaze. "You seriously haven't noticed?"
"Noticed what?"
You quickly glanced around, finding it miraculous that James could've made it the entire day without noticing the way people seemed to stare at the both of you like they were at the zoo. You gestured around. "The stares? The whispering?"
He continued to gape at you like he had absolutely no idea what you were on about. It took everything in you not to raise your voice and give all the onlookers anything more to gossip about. You sighed exasperatedly, lowering your voice.
"People are saying we..." you stopped yourself, face already going warm at the idea. You didn't think you could explain something like that to James's face, especially not when he was looking up at you like that with his undivided attention.
He quirked a brow, waiting for you to finish curiously. "We what?"
Another beat went by of you trying to find words that wouldn't leave you flushed and sputtering before Sirius cut in.
"People think you shagged in the broom closet."
Both of you snapped your heads to Sirius right away, your jaw going slack.
"You knew about this?" Your tone raised without your brain's permission, whether from anger or embarrassment you didn't know, but the people around you were surely relishing the sight.
Sirius frowned at you as he forked some food into his mouth as if he hadn't said something mortifying. "Only for a few hours." He finished chewing, looking between you and James with a visible suspicion growing. "Just so we're clear, you didn't actually shag in the broom closet last night, right?"
You reeled back in shock, wrist slipping from James's hold as you willed yourself to stay calm.
"Bloody hell, Sirius," groaned Remus, face-palming himself with a sigh. Pete looked between all of you, silently entertained.
You had no idea what the hell was going on, and you didn't feel like staying in Great Hall with most of the school for a minute longer as you figured it out. Ignoring Sirius's question, you grabbed your things, throwing your bag over your shoulder. "I'm going back to the common room."
James hurriedly stood up to follow after you, probably now as confused as you, but stopped as you held out a hand to his chest, one that you pulled back right away like the contact burned you.
"Don't-" you stopped, looking around and grimacing at all the eyes on you right now. "Please don't follow me."
With that, you stormed out of the Great Hall, head cast down as your feet moved in a hurried pace all the way back up to the common room. Your anxious footsteps echoed through the portrait and into the common room, where you counted half a dozen heads turn your way.
You felt like you were spiraling into your own mini Hell, footsteps trying their best to take you out of it as you marched up into your dorm room away from all the prying eyes. You shut the door harshly behind you, leaning against it like you'd just finished a marathon.
Lily was lying on her bed reading before she snapped her head up from her book, taking in your distressed state. "What's the matter?"
Marlene walked out of the bathroom then, face lighting up as soon as she saw you, not noticing your unease.
"Hey you," she greeted, leaning against the wall. "What's this I'm hearing about you and Potter snogging in a broom closet?"
Your expression sunk even further at her question, sending you deeper into despair. "Not you too," you groaned, collapsing onto your bed. "This can't be happening."
"What can't be happening?" asked Lily, sitting up on her own bed. Finally, one person who hadn't already heard tales of you and James's supposed broom closet romance, if you could even call it that.
"The end of my life." You rolled onto your back. Lily turned to Marlene with confusion as the latter took a seat next to you on your bed. You looked up at her. "How'd you hear it?"
"I heard it from Melissa Bagshot, but she said Horace Kneen told her this morning."
"Great." You ran a hand through your hair, turning onto your stomach to give Marlene a begging look. "Tell me you told her it wasn't true."
She paused, lips parting as her eyes evaded yours guiltily.
Your jaw dropped. "Marlene!"
"I didn't know if it was or not!"
"Can someone please tell me what we're talking about?" Lily looked between the two of you and your yelling like you'd lost your minds.
Marlene sighed. "There are some rumors going around that she and James were snogging in a broom closet last night."
"Sirius said people are even saying he and I were shagging." You felt yourself heating up again at the notion. "Can you believe it? I mean, how did anyone even see us last night?"
Marlene froze, eyes widening in alarm. "You're telling me you two were actually in a broom closet together?"
"We were pulling a prank and had to hide from Filch." Your cheeks flushed with embarrassment. "That was all. Nothing else happened," you promised, though the memories of James flush against you in the darkness of the closet spread through your mind like a heat wave.
"Thanks," you sighed. "To think that me and James would- ... he and I are only ever going to be friends." You didn't turn to Marlene to see what she thought of your words, simply letting them hang in the air like a mental note to yourself. "Plus, I'm sure Lily would have a bloody heart attack if I ever got with him."
Lily furrowed her brows. "What do you mean by that?"
"C'mon Lily," you urged. "We all know how repulsive you find him. You don't have to be nice for my sake."
Marlene and you both watched with curiosity as Lily's usual cold reserve at the boy seemed to melt with a shy shrug of her shoulders. "Oh, I don't know. He's not the worst in the world."
Marlene tilted her head playfully. "Lily Evans, are you warming up to James Potter?"
"No! I just ... " Lily glanced downward for a moment at her hands. "Don't you think he seems different ever since the summer? A bit more mature? Less annoying?"
Marlene gasped dramatically. "You do like him!"
"I do not!" Lily sent the both of you a glare. "I mean it. I just ... don't hate him as much as I used to."
You and Marlene shared an amused look, laughter bubbling through the both of you.
Maybe three months ago you would've taken your friend's words to be bad news, something more for you to obsess over and overthink everything from the moment Lily didn't seem remotely disgusted by James. But, the you now was almost excited at the idea that she was warming up to James. It could be a way for you to force yourself to forget about your feelings for him. Not to mention the fact that James, your best friend, finally might have a chance with the girl he'd been pining after for years. Even with all you'd gone through in trying to get over him yourself, you still felt happy for him.
Your happiness and laughter died out once you remembered your current situation. You felt helpless, dreading the school days to come more than you already did.
"Don't worry about the rumors," Lily said, noticing your weighty sigh. "Marlene and I will tell anyone we can that they're not true."
"Yeah," Marlene added. "People will move on as soon as they find something else dumb to gossip about." Her eyes lit up with mischief. "I say we find out who started the rumor and see how they like being the talk of the school. A good hair dye hex should do it."
You shook your head at Marlene, a grin fighting to break through your horrible mood. All three of you got ready for bed, and you tried not to give any more thought to all that had happened that day. You did your best to trust Lily and Marlene's words. Surely people wouldn't care much about this rumor, or believe it, for much longer. You could only hope they'd be right.
You were eternally grateful the next day was a Saturday because it meant you could stay holed up in your dorm rather than being stared at and whispered about all day. You loved days like this, when you had all the time in the world to finish up some assignments and-
Your comfortable thoughts were cut short at the sound of your name being called. You forced your tired eyes open to see Marlene at the door, poking her blonde-haired head in lazily.
"Your lover boy is calling after you."
You squinted over at her from your bed, voice laced with sleep. "Who?"
"James, who else?" She deadpanned. "He's at the bottom of the stairs."
"He told us he won't leave until he can talk to you." Lily waltzed into the room, leaning back against the dresser with a pointed look at you. "Please go and talk to him so he'll stop hovering by the girls' dorm rooms. Not a good look."
You let out a slight breath of laughter through your nose, rolling back onto your pillow again. "Tell him to come back after breakfast."
It was like you could hear the roll of Lily's eyes, not even looking up at her as she said, "It's almost noon."
You groaned. It took a lot more coaxing, but Marlene and Lily had gotten you out of bed and walking down the steps to the common room.
James and his unruly hair shifted into view as he stood up from his position against the wall, hands tucked away into his jean pockets.
"There you are." His eyes went bright from below. Even with the warmth in his tone, you felt too groggy to return it.
"What's wrong James?" You were aware of the unpleasant gravel to your voice, sounding nothing short of grumpy as you paused at the last step. It was obvious that you weren't a morning person like James was. He looked up at you with creases by his eyes, them dancing delicately over you as his cheeks seemed to raise.
"What?" you asked, pausing, suddenly feeling insecure about your bedhead.
He only smiled more, tipping his chin out at you. "You look cute when you're tired."
Your lips parted, lashes blinking quickly before you let out an awkward breath of something like laughter, looking down at your feet. You shook your head. "IÂ meant," you began, feeling the difficulty of speaking to James now more than ever. "What's wrong? Why did you send Lily and Marlene after me?"
James stared at you like he hadn't said anything remotely out of the ordinary and rolled his eyes. "It's almost twelve and you're lying in bed on the first weekend back." He took one of your hands in his, swinging them both around aimlessly. "C'mon, let's go do something."
You tilted your head, staring at your interlocked hands. "I really don't feel like having people stare at me wherever we go today."
"It's not that many people."
You stopped the motion of your arms, giving him a disbelieving look.
He shrugged, relenting. "Okay, fine. But who cares about them?" He paused in thought, perking up again. "We can go to the library. You always like going there, and it's been practically empty ever since the prank we pulled."
You quickly let yourself think back to the night you'd spent charming half the books in the library to let out a scream at just a touch. The sides of your lips pulled up, James taking the sight in stride as he continued.
"Nobody's gonna bother you in there. And if they do, we can leave. Promise."
You could always tell when James was being sincere with the way he'd look into your eyes unwaveringly with a bit of hope being his gaze. It was always patient and never prying, and now it had you relenting and telling him to give you a minute to let you freshen up in your dorm before you left.
When you came back downstairs, the rest of the boys were waiting for you too, and the four of you walked straight to the library as promised. There were definitely some stares from just the walk through the halls, but not as many as yesterday. The thought was only partly soothing.
The five of you took a seat towards the back of the library, avoiding taking any books in case they were still charmed but taking out parchment and a quill instead. Or at least some of you did, since Sirius had been doing anything but studying for the first ten minutes you'd sat down.
"Must we hang out in the library of all places?" He let out a groan, tipping his chair back against the bookshelf behind him dramatically.
James eyed him from across the table through his glasses, finally having put them on to reluctantly do some school work. "We're staying in the library because of all the staring, remember?"
"Of course," Sirius drawled, peeking over at you. "Anything for the lady."
You frowned, rolling your eyes at the boy. He smirked, reaching behind him for a book. The four of you each recoiled back, expecting a screech to ring out through the room, but only silence followed as Sirius opened the book and lay it open on his face. You must've been sitting in the section of books you hadn't gotten to charm before Filch caught up to you.
"Well you can't hide in here forever," came Sirius's muffled voice unceremoniously like he hadn't almost unleashed screams into the quiet room. "Don't forget about the party in the common room tonight."
Your face dropped. "Ugh," you whined. "Definitely not in the mood to go to that."
Sirius removed the book that'd been covering his face, chair tipping forward with a loud snap to the wooden floor. The librarian shot him a glare that he didn't pay mind to.
"Are you kidding?" He gaped at you. "It's a yearly tradition. You're going."
Peter nodded from his spot next to Sirius. "Yeah, you can't miss it."
"We'll see." You peered down at the empty parchment in front of you. "I still have to study for Ancient Runes and work on our Potions essay."
Sirius grimaced, leaning back in his seat. "Can't believe that old git gave us an essay already. You'd think he'd be nice after forcing us to sit with those Slytherins." He looked visibly disgusted.
"Oh please," you said, shaking your head. "You lot and your house rivalry."
"This isn't about rivalry," Sirius argued, looking as serious as ever. "My partner is an actual dunce at Potions. If he wasn't so dense I'd think he was actually trying to blow my head off so I couldn't play our first Quidditch match."
"You're being dramatic. They're not that bad." You motioned to Peter. "Pete's partner seemed perfectly nice. She's a prefect, isn't she?"
Peter tensed at that, appearing to shrink in his seat. "She won't let me touch a thing." He let out a breath out like a shiver. "She scares me."
James and Sirius laughed as you tutted. "Well, my partner isn't bad." You dipped your quill into your ink, tone positive. "Sebastian's actually quite nice. And really great at Potions too."
"Yeah, well, he's a Slytherin." James's tone cut through the air with the same sour drawl Sirius had taken up. "Not exactly special."
You lifted a shoulder, feeling a crease between your brow forming. "He's in the Slug Club. That counts for something."
"Not when Slughorn favorites all the Slytherins like they're his own snake babies."
You looked up sharply from your parchment, confusion crinkling your features. "What the bloody hell are you on about James?"
He wasn't looking at you, a sore look on his face as Sirius and Peter snickered.
"Ignore him." Remus closed the pages of the book he'd been reading, probably from home, joining the conversation. "He's probably just upset he's sitting so far from Lily."
James squinted at Remus, elbows crossing on the table. "Ha ha," he mocked. "Liked you better when you were quiet."
Remus shrugged, wryly smiling through a lazy yawn as he leaned back in his seat.
"Speaking of Lily, that reminds me," you began slowly, turning in your seat. "She and I were talking about you last night, James."
He glanced your way, scanning your face carefully for a hint at whatever you were hiding.
"Uh oh," rang Sirius. "Might wanna cover your ears for this Prongs. Spare your feelings."
You glared at him. "Actually, it was all good things."
James leaned back hesitantly. "It was?"
You nodded. "You just came up in conversation and, I don't know," you shrugged a shoulder, words slow. "It seemed like you were growing on her." James watched as you glanced forward as if you were recalling a memory before your expression seemed to blossom brighter. "It looked like she was almost smiling, even."
A beat of silence passed over the table as everyone took a moment to process your words, but it was gone in an instant.
"Alright mate!" Sirius boomed as he stood up from his seat slightly, reaching across the table to shake James's shoulder. The librarian gave him a second warning stare from over his shoulder that told you any more yelling would have you all being kicked out.
James had offered a boyish half smile and nothing more, waving Sirius away. "Calm down, that doesn't mean anything." He shook his head. "We all know how Evans feels about me."
"Um, did you not hear the part about her smiling over you?" Sirius crossed his arm. "She wants you, mate."
"You should ask her out again," chipped in Peter. "I'd reckon she says yes."
"Wormtail's right," Remus added, to your disbelief. "You should ask her."
"Slow down you guys," you chimed, putting up a hand. "All I said is that she's starting to warm up to him. You're gonna scare her off."
"Yeah, so can we drop it?" James voice rang through the air with a seriousness none of you anticipated. He shifted in his chair, fixing his glasses. "Let's just go back to studying or something."
Sirius blanched, not having any of it. He stared at him through his lashes like he'd grown a second head. "Who the hell are you and what have you done with James Fleamont Potter?"
James ignored him and went back to the parchment in front of him.
"Look, James," you began, and placed a hand lightly on the side of his shoulder. "All I'm saying is, as long as you don't go proposing to her with rose petals just yet, you could have a chance." You were surprised at how genuine and hopeful your voice sounded discussing the topic of he and Lily, a feeling that was apparently new to both James and you in that moment. You shoved him a little playfully. "She seems to think you've matured."
"Well of course he's matured." Sirius leaned forward, gesturing to James. "I mean, have you seen those bloody glasses of his? He's like a sexy librarian."
You put a hand to your mouth at how loud he was being in the library of all place. James grimaced and responded by chucking a crumpled-up ball of parchment at his friend from across the table. Sirius dodged it with a cocky swerve to the right, the movement was too ragged for the chair that he'd been leaning back in to support. With a loud crash that had you cringing, it fell backward onto the floor, wood slamming against wood, and Sirius with it.
You gasped, all of you bursting out into laughter at the boy who glared up at you from the ground, a sight that had you wheezing. All your laughter echoed through the room without control, but you stopped the second you noticed the librarian coming towards you all, a ruefully cold look in her eye.
"Out!"
She pointed towards the door, and the five of you didn't need to be told twice. You managed to mask your amusement to collect your things for a second before you were all exiting the room, letting your laughter free as you stumbled through the hallway.
summary - The school year has finally come to an end, opening up the door to a summer of possibilities. More specifically, the first summer you and James have ever spent apart. Even as you spend your time trying to get over your best friend, you can't stop wondering what it will be like to finally see him again come September.
wc [5.4k]
all chapters | <- Chapter 1 - Chapter 3 ->
It was a broiling summer evening, or at least that was what it felt like to you as you spent your whole afternoon with James by the creek near your houses. You'd returned from your travels in France just the night before, and he was quick to scoop you away from the comfort of your bed that morning and insist you put your swimsuit on. You hadn't minded, of course, but after hours with a shirtless James in the sun, you weren't sure if your dizziness was from being dehydrated or from the sight of your best friend.
"If you're so dizzy, just come and get in the water!" James raised his voice loud enough so that you could hear it perfectly from your spot underneath the shady trees, a few yards away from the water he was currently splashing around in.
You shook your head at him, your motions over the top so that he could see from where you sat. You cupped your hands near your mouth as you yelled, "I think I'm just dehydrated!"Â
"Exactly. If you come and swim, the water will soak through your skin and you'll be all better!" He splashed some of the water around him for emphasis.
You rolled your eyes, sure he couldn't see the gesture from all the way over there. "I don't think that's how it works, James."
He groaned and pretended to fall back into the water helplessly, a gesture you certainly could see. Then, like he had some magnificent idea, he stood back up, swimming until the water around him was too shallow, and walked onto grassy land. With the green fields around him and both of your homes sitting peacefully in the background of a setting sun, the sight seemed perfect.
The expression on James's face didn't reveal anything, but you watched him cautiously as he strode over to where you sat. His wet abdomen and chest shined and sparkled under the sun, but you were forced to think about other things as he picked up his pace to a run, coming up next to you and practically tackling you where you sat.
"James!" you shouted, and his cold and drenched skin met yours as he hugged you to the ground. He laughed at your shrieks, shaking his head rapidly until the water droplets on his hair flew into your face. You jumped at the feeling of the freezing water, mustering up the strength to push him away until he was lying next to you.
"Ugh." You flicked water droplets off of you, fighting off a laugh. "It's like your Padfoot or something."
The brunette sat up on his elbows, putting a hand over his bare chest. "Ouch," he remarked, though his smile was too bright to try and mask.
You sat up then too, feeling almost giddy, because even after months abroad in another country, you were exactly where you wanted to be. You met his eyes warmly, a unique surge of emotion pulling at your chest, and you didn't know why you suddenly had the courage to say what you did next.
"I love you, James."
After the words left your lips, he didn't miss a beat before saying, "I love you too."
You chewed on the skin of your lip lightly as you realized this would be more difficult than you'd wanted it to be. "No," you said slowly. "What I mean is ... I'm in love with you."
James sat up fully to lean on his hands, peering at you like you were a puzzle he was trying to solve, before looking away again lightheartedly. "Stop pulling my leg."
You shook your head. "I'm not, I swear it." You took a breath in. "I have feelings for you. I have for some time now, and I've tried to ignore it but I realized that I can't any longer. Because I love you, James. As more than just a friend, and I want to be with you."
When you finished, your chest was rising and falling hurriedly. The only sounds you could hear were your own breathing and the soft swoosh of wind ruffling through the leaves above you. You peaked over at James, who was sitting there still and unmoving. Your heart was racing and you couldn't bear the silence. "Could you maybe ... say something?"
James looked down at his hands and then back up at you. "Are you bloody serious?" You faltered at his contorted expression. "You really think that I'd want to be with you?"
Your lips parted, your lashes partially covering your vision as you blinked rapidly. "I- ..."
"As if I'd ever see you in that way." James let out a noise that sounded like a laugh. "I mean seriously, dating you would be like dating my little sister."
You felt your mind short-circuiting, could hear your lips sputtering. "James-"
"You're not Lily, alright? You never will be." He shook his head cruelly and regarded you with hints of what looked like disgust. "Let's just stay friends, okay? But, really, I don't even know how we could after you told me all this."
Your forehead was wrinkling, and you moved your head from side to side like it would stop you from spiraling. "Of course we could stay friends, James."
He scoffed. "I don't know." Then he stood up, eyes already looking over the distance. "I'm going home. I'll see you later, I guess."
Your world was spinning, the blood rushing inside of you loudly. You tried to stand up, but it was like your body wouldn't answer to you anymore. You managed to hold out a hand. "James, wait," you called, but he was already fading into the distance like he'd never been beside you at all.
Your body jolted awake, your eyes opening almost painfully and your breathing heaving your lungs like you'd been starved of air. You stood up on shaky legs and walked over to the window beside your bed, looking out over the scenic view of Paris at night. Even that wasn't enough to take your mind off of the dream you'd just had.
It wasn't the first time that summer that your dreams had shifted to that familiar but daunting scene. Every time it happened you'd just force yourself back to bed, remembering that you still had more than a month to go until you'd see James again.
You did the same that night, cracking opening the window before lying back on your bed, eyes trained on the ceiling of your temporary bedroom. Your mind drifted to the words James had wrote in his latest letter to you.
I can't wait until you come back from France. I think Padfoot's getting sick of me complaining about it, but I can't help it.
Then you thought about the closing line of the last letter you'd received from Sirius immediately after reading James's.
I'm bloody sick of Prongs always moaning about you. Please come back.
You smiled to yourself, rolling onto your side and fighting a flush at your friend's word choice. You missed them all like hell, though there were was one good side to all the time you were spending away from them: it gave you time to get over your feelings for James.
Marlene had been helping you do just that, James being an embarrassingly frequent topic in the letters you exchanged back in forth. In her last message to you, she'd told you she wouldn't answer any more of your letters if they had the slightest mention of the boy in them. You'd obeyed, deciding to talk to talk to her about what France was like and ask about her brothers instead.
You truly were determined more than ever to get over James, something that your dreams were helping you to do, despite how horrified they made you. You shut your eyes, feeling the fluttery Parisian breeze flow through your window and over your skin. Enough about himâThat'd been your mantra for the last few weeks, and you'd stick to it for as long as it took.
You'd never been so excited for September to come. And it did, the months going by as the seasons changed, and you with it.
As you stood at Platform nine and three-quarters, something about the air around you felt optimistically different. You felt taller, though you were sure you hadn't grown; lighter on your feet, even as you hauled your luggage behind you; and most importantly, you felt like your smiles were coming easier to you than they had that whole year.
Maybe you could blame it on the fact that you were surrounded by your friends, Marlene, Lily, Mary, and Alice all having greeted you with great shouts and even greater hugs. But something else had changed within you too, something that you could accredit to the blonde beside you, who was looking at you expectantly.
"Um, hello?" Marlene lightly hit you in your side, and you turned to her with raised brows.
"What's wrong?"
"Oh nothing," she answered plainly. "I'm just wondering what the hell was in their air in France, because you look wow."
You leaned back, taken by surprise. You laughed as you said, "You're crazy."
"No, she's right." Alice scanned over your face brightly. "It's like you're glowing."
You let out a breath from your noise, feeling warm under the stares of your friends. "So are you guys. We all got two months away from schoolwork, I wouldn't expect any less."
"Stop being humble. We were all trapped up in our houses while you were in Paris, of all places."
"Yeah," chided Lily. "So tell us how France was."
"More importantly," Mary chimed in, "How were the guys?"
You tipped your head at her and gave her a pointed look as the sides of your lips curled up. "I wouldn't know about the guys, but France was beautiful."
Mary sighed and the rest of you giggled, and you felt absolutely amazing standing there with the four of them after months of being apart.
You'd continued talking with the girls and catching up, asking them about their own summers and letting out more laughter than you surely had in the past month, until they each shifted their gazes to something past you.
With a twinkle in her eye, Marlene cleared her throat while Mary and Alice both hid their smiles behind their hands. You looked between them curiously, following their line of vision until a head of chocolate brown curls shifted into your focus. Immediately you were beaming.
"James!"
Mary and Alice had shifted over right away to make room for the way you ran directly to him, right into his open arms. If you thought the hug he gave you when you left for France was big, then you didn't even know what to call the one you shared now.
Lifting you the moment you had run into his arms, he spun you around with a blinding grin on his face from ear to ear. The flow of his laughter into your ears was infectious and you matched it right away.
He placed you back down again after a few seconds but stayed standing close. As you found your footing again, he didn't even seem like he was trying to stop his gleaming smile from plastering itself on his face, so you didn't try either.
"Hey you," you said, eyes taking in his face. Your cheeks hurt from the power of your smile. You bit down on your lip to try to stop it, to no avail.
His eyes traced over your face then too for the first time in months, and you watched as something in his smile shifted. His lips slightly faltered in their wide pull and then yours did too, looking up at him curiously.
"James?"
"Yeah," he said right away, blinking quickly. "Sorry. Probably still off from the portkey I took here." He ran a hand through his hair that'd only seemed to grow in length since you last saw him. He gestured his hands both out to you. "How have you been?"
"Good," you beamed. "I've been good." You smiled even more because you'd forgotten how much you missed the sound of his voice. "I've missed you."
James's cheeks rounded warmly down at you. "I've missed you too. So much."
You looked at him, feeling breathless. Yet, you felt breathless in a different way than the one you were used to, one that didn't hurt as bad, that felt exhilarating rather than dibilitating.
Without any more words being shared, your unwavering gazes on each other seemed to say enough. With the way James looked at you, radiating smiles and warmth and everything lovely, you felt your heart swell. Not a second later were you were taken away from your thoughts at the sound of your other friend's voice.
"Godric, you'd think you were apart for two decades instead of two months from the way you're both acting."
Sirius strolled in to stand next to the two of you, already in character with his dramatics.
You finally turned away from James. "It's nice to see you too, Sirius." You gave him a scolding look before moving to hug him as well.
The three of you got to talking, the girls bidding you goodbye as they boarded the Hogwarts Express, and it was no time until Peter and Remus showed up as well. You greeted them with equal excitement, boarding the train only a few moments before it left the station, but you didn't even have it in you to worry. You were just happy to finally be back with your friends.
The Hogwarts Express had arrived at school in what felt like the blink of an eye, since you'd all so naturally filled up the entirety of your travels with joking conversation. That is, aside from Peter, who fell asleep thirty minutes into the train ride. You had to stop Sirius multiple times from trying to pull a prank on him in his sleep.
Thankfully dinner had come quickly, seeing as chocolate frogs weren't enough to fill you up, and you were soon sat in the Great Hall for the first dinner of the year. It was exhilarating, seeing the new first years as they took in the high ceilings of the castle you'd learned to call home. You'd stuffed your faces full of the never-ending food that you'd forgotten how much you missed, conversation being compromised for full stomachs.
"Wow, Prongs." Sirius turned to the boy on your left, who lowered his brows at him with as he finished chewing. "Surprised you've gone a whole meal without asking out Evans."
He swallowed, merely glancing up at Sirius before focusing back on his food. "Very funny."
"I'm serious." He smirked at his own joke. "I don't think it's ever been done before."
James set his fork down on the table, and you all watched as he looked down the table to where Lily was sitting before standing up. "Alright then."
You looked on with a pull in your brows, holding out a hand to him before he left. "Don't tell me you're gonna ask her out on a dare, James."
"Of course not," he said, appearing sincere, but he still walked over to her anyway. You looked over at the others, who seemed more entertained than anything.
A foul sense of dÊjà vu spread through you. You followed your friends' gazes down the table to where James approached Lily, saying something short to which she paused for a moment, before saying something short back. It was one of the first times you'd seen them interact without her annoyance being visible from twenty yards away. You swore she even looked like she was on the cusp of smiling.
James left her with a nod in parting and returned to where you were all sitting with zero ceremony at all. The four of you blinked at him.
"What'd you do?" Peter pried.
James shrugged. "I didn't do anything. Just said hello, is all."
"And she didn't look repulsed by you." Sirius blew his eyes wide dramatically. "What an achievement." He smirked as James shot him a sour look. "So is that all you're gonna do? You haven't seen the girl in months."
"What else do you want me to do?" James asked. "Propose to her?"
Remus lifted a shoulder from next to Sirius. "Wouldn't be the first time you did it."
"Firstly, not true." He pointed his fork at Remus. "Secondly, a wise friend once told me, 'Don't force it.'"
He turned to look at you as he said that, the glimmer in his eye reminding you of the night you'd given him the advance in the low lighting of the corridor. The memory made your heart both swell and shrivel for a number of reasons.
You met his eyes. "A very wise friend, indeed."
You felt your eyes drifting over to where Lily was sitting, looking at how she seemed so effortlessly perfect in the candle-lit air of the Great Hall. No wonder James liked her so much. Against your will, you thought back to the dream you'd had that summer, and James's words.
You're not Lily, alright? You never-
You stopped yourself in your tracks. This was exactly what you'd spend the last month trying not to do. You'd be damned if you let one bloody interaction try and throw that all away.
After a few more minutes of eating, and internal hopes that none of your friends saw the beginning of your inward spiral, you stood up from your seat.
James's eyes followed you. "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to go ask the girls if they want to visit our dorm together and see if they've unpacked our luggage yet."
Sirius jutted his chin out at you to get your attention. "Ask Lily to blink twice if James is holding her hostage, while you're at it."
You shook your head and waved a hand at his remark, turning to take the few steps over to where your other friends sat, when you bumped into a robed figure and went stumbling back.
"Woah," hurried a voice, and you felt a hand on your shoulder stabilizing you. "I'm so sorry. That's my bad."
You looked up as you regained your footing and were met with the eyes of a boy you didn't know the name of, though you'd seen him before. He wore Slytherin robes and a charming smile, skin seeming golden and glowing in the candle lighting.
"It's alright." You gave him a smile back, because you found it hard not to when he was looking at you so kindly, and he nodded at you before he walked away to the Slytherin table. You stood there for a moment blinking, before you heard three slow claps. You turned to look at the culprit.
"Smooth," rang Sirius, the look on his face both entertained and wry. You decided to ignore him, walking down the table instead.
You relayed to Marlene and Lily your question about going to check out your dorm, but they didn't seem very interested in the topic.
"Watch out," teased Marlene. "I think you have an admirer now."
You paused, brows tugging downwards into a deep frown. "What are you talking about?"
Lily glanced at something behind you, answering the question for her. "Sebastian Vance is totally checking you out."
Your expression froze, before you were peering at her quizzically. "Who?"
Marlene put a hand out exhasperatedly. "The bloke you just bumped into and totally had a moment with."
You put a hand to your hip. "I did not have a moment with him."
"Tell him that." She motioned with her head over to the Slytherin table, watching in anticipation as you tried your best to look behind you unsuspiciously.
Sure enough, the boy in question was looking your way, glancing quickly downwards in surprise as your eyes met his before giving you an innocent smile. You found yourself slightly smiling back before hurriedly turning away again. The flustered look on your face had the rest of them both reeling back in laughter.
"Well?" Marlene urged, tipping her head. "Would you give the lad a chance?"
"Uhm, I don't know," you said, voice still jumping octaves with surprise. "I don't even know the guy." Out of your own desire, you turned around to glance at him again for a split second. Luckily he was distracted as he talked amongst his friends, letting you observe him for another second before looking away again. You couldn't hide your smile as you said, "Well, maybe."
They broke out into more excited laughter and you shushed them again, urging them to answer your question about checking out the dorms. They complied, and as they gathered their things you headed back down the table to get your own. You couldn't ignore your four friends' odd looks as you did.
Sirius tipped his head over to where you'd been standing. "What was all that about?"
You raised a brow. "All what?"
"All the nauseating giggling."
You pursed your lips at him disapprovingly before looking away again, feeling awkward. "They think Sebastian Vance was ... checking me out because we had a 'moment' or something." You didn't discuss your non-existent love life with them often enough for you to feel comfortable talking about the subject.
"A moment?" James frowned, sitting up straighter in his seat, and you were regretting even mentioning it, especially to James of all people. "What does that even mean?"
You shrugged. "Their words, not mine." You took your leave before they could pry any longer. "I'll see you guys later, yeah?"
They nodded, albeit a little distractedly, and you didn't wait before catching up with Marlene and Lily, excited to see you dorm after months of being away from it. You had a feeling you'd sleep better than you had in weeks now that things were back to a steady normal. Or, at least, as normal as they could be in a school full of magic.
You were breathless, running faster than your legs surely were used to, mind moving a mile a minute. None of that seemed to matter, though. Not when James was beside you, your hand in his as you fought to keep up, fits of laughter echoing out into the hallway with as your smile shined brightly.
The time had come for the annual back-to-school prank, planned by none other than the Marauders, of course. It was formulated quickly this year in the boys' dorm room, the plan being to charm all of the books in the Hogwarts library to scream every time they were opened.
Despite your planning, the five of you only managed to get through half of them before you heard Filch's familiar bark, that being the reason why you'd all scattered and ran out the nearest exit as fast as you could. Unfortunately, Sirius had forgotten to bring the invisibility cloak he'd been made in charge of, a fact that had you cursing as you felt yourself running out of breath the longer you ran.
As much as you tried, James and his long legs made it impossible to keep up, even with his supporting grip on your hand. He must have noticed soon too, and glanced back at you. A smile broke out on his face then to match your own, eyes warm before they widened at something behind you, the smile disappearing.
"Shit," he muttered sharply. You looked at his expression concernedly at him as you kept running, turning a corner, but soon he was pulling you towards the side of the hallway into what looked like a broom closet.
You both crowded into the small space hurriedly, face to face without much room to move. He closed the door quickly, not giving you time to question what he was doing before he put a finger up to his own lips, signaling for you to listen to whatever he must have heard.
You stood there in the low light of the broom closet, trying to be silent even alongside your staggering breaths. Sure enough, you heard harsh, clunking footsteps nearing that you could assume belonged to none other than Filch.
You could tell he was holding a lantern in search of the five of you from the way it sent warm light through the cracks in the door. They flashed over James's face for just a second, revealing how close he was standing to you. His head was turned to the side as he peaked out the slim fissures of the wooden door, delicate light fanning across his features in thin lines. He looked breathless too, puffs of soft air stammering out from parted lips as he stayed silent in observation. You didn't like the way your heart was still pounding, something you wanted to dismiss to be from all the running.
You made yourself look away, focusing on the cracks in the door too and listening for the silence you'd both hoped would come soon so you could sneak off back to your dorms for the night. You weren't sure what time it was, but you had classes tomorrow and it was surely well past midnight.
It wasn't long until the echos of Filch's footsteps and his occasional grunts of annoyance finally fizzled away, the only sounds left being the heaviness of your heartbeat pumping in adrenaline and a bit of something else. You moved to turn the doorknob, but James reached out quickly to stop you with a light hand to your wrist.
"Wait," he whispered, eyes lowered in focus as he pressed an ear against the door. You didn't miss the way he concentratedly chewed on his bottom lip. You blinkedâstop.
A few seconds went by before a meow rang through the hallwayâFilch's cat Mrs. Norris. How James knew to listen for the feline was a mystery you would never quite understand.
The five of you had always done your pranks as a team, but he and Sirius really did have a knack for mischief you didn't think you'd ever had yourself. In fact, pranks seemed to stress you out more than they did any of the others, the prospect of getting caught always weighing on you whenever you did them. Especially now, as you were just steps away from more than just a long talking to from Filch. But you had to admit, it felt exhilaratingâmade you feel a kind of alive that you felt more often than not whenever James was around to force your rebelliousness out of you.
You thought of all the times he'd had taken the full blame during pranks just so that you wouldn't wind up in detention with the rest of them. Of how he never truly pressured you into joining them, though you'd always insist on it because he made it so easy to. The thought made you smile to yourself.
You looked back towards James again, having to tilt your head from the proximity. He was already looking at you, the richness of his eyes simmering warmly on your skin. It felt like you were frozen in place for a second, every move seeming too grand in the small space, any sound echoing in the silence.
"Do you, uhm," you began, words coming out soft, face feeling warm. "Do you think it's safe to leave?"
You knew it must have been late then, because you could've sworn you saw James's eyes glance around your lips in the darkness; that was something only drowsiness could've imagined.
"Yeah," he said, voice coated in something heavy, but neither of you moved. At least not for another moment, until you willed yourself to move your wrist from his light grasp and open the door to the closet, soft light from the hall pouring into the space. You took careful steps, James following after a second.
He stood there in the hallway for a moment wordlessly, seeming deep in thought. When you heard a clang ring out from somewhere in the hallway that you couldn't see, James was quick to take a hold of your wrist, stepping slightly in front of you.
You stilled your breathing and swallowed, not seeing any movement in the darkness but still frightened Filch had come back to grant you your punishment.
Another moment went by with no other noise audible to you except your and James's breathing. When he finally decided it had been a false alarm, he let your wrist slip from his fingers.
Then he sighed quietly and reached a hand to his back pocket, grimacing when he came back empty.
"Padfoot has the map."
You tutted, thinking for a second but coming up short. "We'll just have to be extra careful then."
James nodded with a famously determined glimmer in his eye, tipping his head at you to follow him. The two of you walked in a steady silence back to the common room, being as noiseless as you could and looking out for any sign of Filch or anyone else. You glanced over at James every once in a while, his hands in his pockets, head tipped downwards at the ground in front of him.
You weren't sure what exactly had happened, looks shared in the dark broom closet feeling like hazy memories of a far-off dream. You didn't like how it had your heart still racing in your chest at just the thought of it. You told yourself that whatever it was, it meant nothing. You wouldn't let it.
"Thanks for doing this." James's hushed voice broke the silence.
You peered at him quizzically. "Are you kidding? Of course I'd do it. When have I not done the first prank of the year?"
James shrugged almost shyly, hands still tucked away in his pockets. "I know, you always do. We just really rushed it this year. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to."
"I guess part of that's my fault, being away over the summer and all."
"Oh, c'mon," he reasoned. "If we're blaming anyone it should be Padfoot. Forgetting the invisibility cloak and not checking the map for Filch." He shook his head. "Ditsy bloke."
You giggled, forgetting to stay quiet and quickly covering your mouth with a surprised hand. James looked at you with such a fondness in his eyes, laughing low under his breath.
"Well," he began, nudging you in the arm, happiness lingering on his lips. "If I could've been trapped in a broom closet with anyone, I'm glad it was you."
James watched you as you peeked over at him, expression ever so warm, but still shy as your eyes moved to watch the ground beneath your feet.
You never knew what to say when he said things like that, things so utterly sweet it made your heart twinge. The things he said were always casual, lacking any hidden meaning, just plain and utter kindness. But the way he would say them, lips soft, eyes gazing with intention and taking up an intimacy he only seemed to have with you, is what made it so hard for your feelings for him to leave, as determined as you were.
Before you had to say anything back, a dreadful 'meow'Â echoed against your ears from somewhere in the distance, a sound that had James's head turning to look at you sharply with alert eyes.
In almost no time you felt his hand softly placed at the small of your back, a steady force to make sure you were in front of him before both of your paces picked back up into a run. You didn't get to slow down for even a second until you were both back in the safety of the common room.
As soon as you'd both arrived you saw Sirius, Remus, and Peter all sitting on the couch, hovering over the Marauder's Map. They stood up as soon as you and James had entered the room, both of you out of breath and disheveled.
"There they are!" Peter exclaimed, turning to the both of you. "We thought maybe Filch had gotten hold of you guys for a second."
Sirius shook the map in front of him. "Thank Merlin for this thing here, right?" You both eyed the map in his hands with bitterness.
"You forgot the invisibility cloak, Padfoot." James crossed his arms.
Sirius looked to him and then you, taking in your stances, hands on your own hips as both of your chests heaved heavy breaths. You watched him wince inwardly, letting out a weak laugh. "A small mistake in the grand scheme of things, don't you think?"
The look you gave him said otherwise. Remus and Peter chuckled from behind him.
"Anyways," he sang, looking around. "I'd call that a success, was it not?"
Remus snorted, and Peter seemed to start snickering from next to him, a high-pitched sound that was contagious. Looking at James and his messed up hair, the grin that grew on his face spread to your own, and you laughed at the absurdity of everything and the adrenaline high you still hadn't seemed to come down from. Sirius joined in too, the five of you all breaking into laughter in the middle of the common room. You weren't sure what you were laughing at and you all were probably delirious, but it didn't matter because you loved these times more than anything. If you even managed to get one book to scream at someone by tomorrow, you'd mark the night a success.
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summary - Only a few more days remain until the school year comes to a close, though your mind is more focused on your feelings for your best friend James. Well, that and his unignorable feelings for Lily Evans. Though, with the summer approaching, who knows what could happen?
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all chapters | Chapter 2 ->
James had the kind of warmth that was like melted caramelâstuck on your teeth, but something sweet that you absolutely never wanted to forget the taste of. Not that you wanted to taste James, or that you knew what he tasted like- God, you were getting off topic. What you were trying to say was: you were in love with James Potter.
It'd been you and him for as long as you could remember. Summers spent together underneath the rare English sun before you were even old enough for Hogwarts, winters spent at the scenic magical school once you finally were, and never a day separated from each other.
Being around him so much growing up could've easily led you to see him in a completely unromantic light. But, of course, that's the opposite of what fate had in store for you.
You first realized you loved him as more than just a best friend in the fourth year, on a night you'd been crying over Potions, something you did more often than you would've liked to admit. You were a good student, some would say an overachiever thanks to your parents, though you struggled to even get a decent grade when it came to that class.
You could remember the specific night you were referring to vividly: You were sitting on the couch in the Gryffindor common room, head hung low as you tried to silence your frustrated sniffling when you heard the sound of footsteps coming from the boys' dormitories.
Even if you tried to hide it, James could always tell right away when something was wrong. He was your best friend, after all. He'd joined you on the couch and only had to ask a few questions here and there before you were sobbing into his chest.
He held you tight, his presence warm like always as you leaned into him. He ran a hand through your hair and you could recall effortlessly how nice it felt, how it took your mind off your sadness like his hands had pulled the feeling right out of you.
Once you'd stopped crying, he took your hand and led you into the hallway, where you'd told him all about how bad at brewing potions you seemed to be and replayed with teary eyes all the nights you'd spent hunched over textbooks, only to mess up all your potions in class. He listened the entire time wordlessly as you both walked, his hand squeezing yours.
Then he brought you to the kitchens where the house elves greeted you frantically with some worry. James politely requested that they make your favorite, Strawberry Shortcake, and they easily obliged because they loved him, just like everyone else did.
He didn't eat anything himself but made sure you were cheered up before leading you back to the common room, where you both sat and talked on the couch for however long until you fell asleep. You still weren't sure to this day what had happened after that, but you woke up safe and sound in your dorm, tucked away with a still-warm plated breakfast next to you on your bedside table.
You made sure to thank him with a small thank you note for being so sweet. Every time he did anything like that, anything so achingly sweet and achingly James, you did the same, though you felt all the tiny notes you slipped him would never be enough of a thank you.
That tradition started almost three years ago and, even if it hurt you a little each day, you still loved him. You'd write a million little notes if you could show him just how much you did. And it didn't help that he was so bloody handsome, with chocolate curls and eyes like the embers of a fire that seemed to light you ablaze when they were aimed your way. No matter how lovely you found him, you'd realized over the years that it wasn't your love he so desperately wanted, but your friend's, your dorm-mate'sâLily's.
And that was how the story had ended every time you told it to yourself, and to Marlene, if only to remind yourself of it. It was something you did practically for survival because you seemingly couldn't go a day without the world testing you. Today was no different.
"Good evening, Evans."
The boy beside you gave your red-haired friend his most charming, James Potter smile as she sat down for dinner in the Great Hall. She regarded it with mild annoyance.
"Potter," she responded with tight lips. It didn't matter that she'd said it with clear irritation or that Sirius was chuckling to himself at the interaction. It still had James's eyes lighting up with an energy only he could have after a long day of classes at the end of the term. You didn't know what to do with the sight and distracted yourself by moving your food around with your fork.
"How do you guys think you did on our last potions essay?" Peter peeked over at all of you curiously.
You shrugged. "Not sure. My paragraph about Scintillation Solution was-"
Sirius interrupted the both of you with an ever-so-dramatic groan. "Must we spend our dinner talking about school? There's only two more days left before summer vacation. My mind is already there."
Peter raised his hands in innocence. "Was only asking."
"You wouldn't want to talk about school even if it was September," drawled Remus, gathering a pile of food on his plate.
"Is that so wrong?" Sirius rolled his eyes, looking around for support before his sight landed on the boy across from him. "Oi, James. What would you rather spend your time talking about? Some potions essay, or your much more interesting summer plans?"
The boy in question had his head resting in his palm, cheek pressing against his fingers, eyes far away. "What do you reckon Evans does over the summer?"
Groans sounded throughout the table, a mixture of grumbling and eye rolls, none of which had any effect on James.
"Say." He turned to you like he was deep in thought. "You and Evans are friends. What does she do over the summer?"
James stared at you like a child full of wonder. You forced yourself not to react to both his insistent prying about Lily and also the way he'd turned to give you his full and quite frankly dizzying attention, gazing at you expectantly.
Sirius cut in before you had to give him an answer. "Prongs, leave the poor girl alone, and let us all share one meal without you drooling all over the place."
James frowned. "C'mon," he said, throwing an arm around you boyishly. "Our girl here isn't bothered by it, right?" He shook you by the shoulders a bit, forever a lighthearted spirit. "Everyone knows she's my number one wingman." Something thumped in your chest, a twinge of awkwardness pulling at your features and weakening whatever form of a smile you offered him. Despite that, he seemed satisfied by it and moved to glare at Sirius. "And if anyone drools Padfoot, it's you."
Sirius squinted. "Very funny." The long-haired boy picked up a roll and bit into it, and you winced as he spoke with his mouth full. "Even as a dog, I have more self-control than you."
"Right," sang Remus, and he laughed under his breath at your disgusted expression. "Enough of them. What are you lot doing over summer vacation?"
You turned away from Sirius and James and focused on Remus's question, also choosing to ignore the way James's arm still hung around your shoulders warmly.
"My dad's making me get an internship at the Ministry," grieved Peter as he played with his food. "Says it's time for me to start 'being a man'."
Sirius gave him a hard pat on the back. "Don't worry Pete, you're plenty manly in my eyes." You watched as he smirked and rolled your eyes. He noticed and frowned jokingly towards you. "And what about miss 'wingman' over there?"
"She's betraying us, remember?" cut in James sorely.
You sighed from beside him. "I told you I didn't have a choice."
Peter looked between the two of you. "A choice in what?"
You gave James a look before turning back to the rest of the group. "My parents are having us stay in France for practically the whole summer and James is mad about it."
"France, huh?" Sirius smirked and turned to you with raised brows. "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?"
You immediately cringed and rolled your eyes. Remus followed suit. "You're disgusting."
Sirius's laughter turned to offense and lowered brows, staring between you and Remus. "Since when do you both understand French?"
Remus smugly shrugged. "Since you started using it to get away with saying inappropriate things."
Peter frowned in confusion. "What did he say?"
You and Remus both shook your heads and went back to eating. Sirius scoffed. "Oh come on, lighten up. That was plain funny." You held back a grin around your fork as Sirius continued. He looked towards James again. "Back me up here, Prongs."
He didn't get a response, James's thoughts clearly occupied with somethingâor someoneâelse. You followed his line of vision, seeing it locked on Lily from across the table, who looked like she was now getting up to take her leave. You felt James's posture perk up in your peripheral.
"What do you reckon my odds are now that it's almost summer?" He didn't need to give context for all of you to know what he meant. You each shared a foreboding look.
"About the same as always, mate," breathed Sirius, eyeing Lily. "Or less."
"I don't know," shrugged James, something hopeful glimmering in his gaze. "I have a good feeling about this one."
You knew James, so you knew nothing any of you could've said would've changed his mind in that moment anyway, and soon enough you felt the cool draft of the Great Hall return to your shoulders as James removed his arm from around you. He stood up from his seat.
"Wish me luck mates." He winked hurriedly and jogged to catch up with Lily as she moved towards the exit. The sight of him calling after her, shoulders raised nervously with his hands in his pockets, had your stomach churning.
"Is anyone gonna stop him?" asked Peter, though he watched the interaction as he ate like he was sat in a theater.
Sirius shook his head slowly, eyes locked on the scene in the same way. "Seems like the poor bloke needs to learn his lesson the hard way. Even if it is for the hundredth time."
"Don't say that," you cut in, feeling defensive of James and his unwavering hope. "Who knows what she'll say? Maybe she'll say yes this time."
The three boys turned towards you at your words, each sporting their own look of poorly hidden bewilderment. Before you could scold them, the sound of Lily's voice rang through the large room loud enough for the four of you to hear without strain.
"No, Potter!"Â A fire was already well-lit behind her voice. The way the sound seemed to echo throughout the already-loud room made you cringe as people began to turn their heads. "I knew you were dense, but the mere fact that you'd think I'd still considergoing out with you after all this time is just-" she shook her head, scoffing hysterically. "You're mad."
Sirius mouthed an 'uh oh'Â before turning back to the commotion. You saw James put a hand out placatingly towards Lily. "Evans-"
"No!" She pointed a finger at him. "I thought maybe by the end of this year you'd come to your senses, but of course, I was wrong. I swear to Merlin, will you ever just leave me alone?"
Most of the talking in the Great Hall had come to a stop at this point. You couldn't see James's face, but you were sure however he looked wasn't enough to stop Lily in her tracks.
"I mean seriously!" She shouted exasperatedly. "When will you get it through that inflated head of yours that I will never say yes to going out with you?"
The silence that had taken over the room was something you could most definitely hear, feeling the way it weighed heavily on everyone before chatter broke out seconds later. There were a few wolf whistles here and there, and soon enough Lily was stomping out of the hall, the room going back to its regular volume.
James returned to his spot at the table with a look on his face that you couldn't read, though his cheeks were flushed a noticeable pink. You felt like saying something to him then, but weren't sure what.
"We're sorry, mate," chimed Sirius before you could think of what to say. He reached across the table to pat James on the shoulder. "She doesn't know what a great lad she's missing out on."
"Yeah," chirped Peter with a hopeful grin.
"I know, I know," fawned James, and he waved a charming hand. "I'm the greatest." His usual jokes seemed to satisfy the others for the rest of dinner, but you didn't like the way his smile dimmed when he thought no one was looking.
The five of you began your trek back to the Gryffindor common room for the night, walking through the golden, poorly-lit hallways carefreely. Sirius and Peter were having some sort of debate over Quidditch towards the front of the group, nothing out of the ordinary, but it didn't escape you how James had added very little to the conversation. And if you knew James, which you did, you knew he could never pass up an opportunity to talk about the sport.
That and the muted pull of the smiles he offered whenever you looked over at him had you taking his hand and pulling him into an empty corridor as the rest of the group continued walking. You waited for a moment until the sounds of laughter and chatter from the other three and anyone else in the hallway faded away. James watched you the whole time with furrowed brows.
"What's wrong?" he asked, and you narrowed your eyes at him disbelievingly, though he seemed genuinely concerned, his eyes flickering across your face hurriedly. You ignored his question.
"Are you alright?" Your eyes were alight with concern. He stared blankly at you. "You know, after what Lily said?"
You watched as the light from a nearby torch danced subtly over his features. They morphed from confusion to something more delicate as he recognized just what you were talking about.
"I told you guys don't worry about that." He offered a breath of a laugh and ran a hand through his unruly brown curls. His words did nothing to convince you of anything.
"I know, but," you nodded to him with your chin. "Are you alright?"
Your words came out slow, meaning every last syllable. You'd be a fool if you let his quick responses put an end to your concern for him. James never failed to put on a confident front, a habit he'd grown much too used to for your liking. It didn't matter how many jokes he threw at you; you could always see past it.
It took James a few seconds to answer this time, a soft crease burrowing itself between his brows. "Yeah," he said, Adam's apple bobbing slightly in the low lighting, the proud lift of his chin lowering subtly as he looked down at you. " 'Course."
Your head was tilted to the side as you gave him a desperate look that seemed to run right through him. "James." When he didn't say anything back you continued. "You're allowed to be upset, you know. I mean, it was pretty brutal. And the whole school was watching, and she just kept going on and on-
"Alright," James stopped you, shaking his head amusedly as the creeping of a smile appeared at the corners of his mouth. "No need to replay it. We were both there."
You liked that he finally seemed more lighthearted, though his voice had a softness to it that told you it was more of a sore subject than he was letting on. You took one of his hands in yours, his fingers callused but gentle. "Are you sure you don't wanna talk about it at all?"
He observed you for a moment, considering your words. "Yeah," he told you. He looked down at your hands, and then back up at you. "I just-" He stopped and shook his head. You nodded as you listened, slightly squeezing his hand for him to continue. He let out a low sigh. "I really thought that maybe she'd come around, at least eventually. And I know I was stupid for it, but-"
"You're not stupid, James." You felt tones of sadness creep up within yourself. "You just fancy her, is all."
The words left your lips meaningfully and left a bitter taste behind. You didn't let yourself think about the fact that you were comforting your best friend over the sadness of unrequited feelings, all while harboring your own feelingsâfeelings for him. You wanted to slap yourself silly.
You supposed it was partially your fault, the secrecy. You could tell the others, though you got the feeling sometimes that they somewhat knew already. Most importantly, you could tell James. Though, really, you couldn't. Not if you wanted to keep him by your side, and for way too many other painstaking reasons that you didn't even want to think about, at least not more than you already had to.
"I need to know," James began, and you saw the ghost of something vulnerable flickering in his hazel eyes like the firelight in the halls. He looked at you with intent as his hand still held yours, words slow. "You're one of Lily's best friends. Do you think I'll ever have a chance with her?"
Your stomach churned at his question, and you didn't know what was worse: the fact that you were playing wingman for James, or the fact that he still had some hope left in him after all that you'd heard Lily say to him that night. You pursed your lips unsurely. "It's hard to say, James."
He sighed and loosened the tie that was around his neck, the unbuttoned collar of his shirt falling more freely. You had a hard time prying your eyes away from the sight, but you made yourself.
You realized in that moment you had the power to end all of his pining now and forever, to get him to give up on the crush that had caused him so many days of wanting, you so many nights of jealousy. But how could you break the heart of your best friend?
"I don't know for sure." You spoke cautiously, watching the fragility behind the way James was looking at you. "All I can say is that right now she's ... It doesn't look like she's quite fond of you at the moment." You gave it some more thought. "Or for the past few moments."
James ran a hurried hand over the back of his neck, looking up instead of at you as you continued speaking. "Just don't force it, alright? Give it some time. Give it the summer, even. And if in the end she still can't see what a funny, sweet guy she's missing out on, then all that means is that it wasn't meant to be, as much as you might want it to be."
His eyes seemed to search yours for a moment, and then he lowered his head. Your eyebrows pulled sympathetically.
"And handsome." James peeked up at you
You frowned. "What?"
"You forgot to add 'handsome' to your list." He gave you one of those lopsided grins that made your stomach do backflips, and then he scratched his head. "What was it that you said? Funny, sweet, talented, has a toned six-pack-"
"Okay, now I think you're imagining some of the things on that list."
"Am I?" He laughed, tipping his head at you, and your heart sped up its rhythm in your chest. You'd spent enough summers with him to know he definitely was not imagining the 'toned six-pack' part. You sighed, forcing down your thoughts and shaking your head at his cocky smile. After a moment, he stood up slightly straighter. "You're the best friend I could ever ask for, you know that right?"
You smiled, your heart half warm and half aching. James's gaze was filled with more adoration than you knew what to do with. Maybe you were the 'best friend he could ever ask for', sure, but your list of qualifications ended there in his mind, that much you knew.
James's hold on your hand tightened until he was pulling you towards him, into his chest as he wrapped his arms around your waist. His hands stayed there, feather-light as yours came to hug the planes of his shoulders. Hugging James was something you'd done a thousand times in your life, yet you still felt nervous under his touch at that moment. You breathed into the hug, only letting go when he pulled away, and the content smile he gave you was brighter than it'd been the entire night.
You were satisfied then, remembering how you'd trailed off from the rest of the group and motioning with your head to the hallway to your right. James nodded, you both walked in a sweet silence until you reached the common room, entering hand in hand and coming to a stop between the staircases to either of your dorms.
"I'll see you in the morning?" James raised his brows slightly, and you nodded.
"Sounds like a plan."
He nodded back at you happily. Not yet dropping your hand, he pulled you in close and whispered a "thank you," delicately by your ear. It was a breath that left as fast as it came but had you fighting a shudder at its softness. You didn't say anything back but smiled in a way of saying 'of course'.
He raised the hand that had been holding yours and laid a fluttering touch of his lips against your knuckles. He did it as if it didn't knock the fight right out of your knees. Then he turned and headed up the stairs for the night with one last look your way, and you didn't have to fake the fondness in your gaze that followed him.
After he left, you stood there silently, feeling the natural way your eyes shifted to the floor and the way your heart felt heavier by the second. You drummed your fingers against the side of your leg with fervor, knowing better than anyone that if you didn't get to bed soon before heartbroken thoughts of James would takeover, you wouldn't sleep a wink.
You willed your legs to go up the staircase to your own dorm, opening the door and slipping in with what you hoped was enough stealth not to draw the attention of your roommates. Of course, it wasn't nearly stealthy enough.
"There you are." Marlene sat on her bed next to a pile of parchment, something that surprised you since classes were coming to a close, but Marlene never let procrastination scare her. "I've been meaning to ask for your help on-"
She stopped once she saw the dejected look that must've been morphing your features, one that told her that something was most definitely wrong. "What happened?"
You knew if you started talking about it now, you wouldn't be able to stop. "Nothing, really." You distracted yourself, working on untying your shoes.
Marlene didn't let you get away that easily, sitting up straight in her bed. "You're good at many things, but lying isn't one of them."
You turned around to face her, looking down into her knowing stare and feeling yourself break a little. Like it was against your own will, you sat down on the bed next to her, voice small. "It's just about James, is all."
Marlene paused in her tracks, tilting her head up at you. She gave you a look that said that nothing was ever just about James, or at least not anything that wasn't worth an hour-long session talking session. Before you could say anything more, out walked Lily from the bathroom, hair still dripping from the shower she must have just finished.
The way you two both went silent was certainly noticeable enough, Lily frowning over towards you. "What's wrong?"
It wasn't that you didn't trust Lilyâshe had been your friend for as long as you'd been roommates, which you'd been since first-year. But you couldn't imagine what it would be like telling her about your unrequited feelings for James, the same boy she'd spent years complaining about in agony.
Marlene saved you before you even could begin to start scrambling for a cover-up. "We were just talking about how badass you were when you yelled at Potter earlier."
At the mention of the scene, Lily quickly cringed and shook her head. "I wish that whole thing never had to have happened in the first place." She turned towards the mirror that hung on the wall, drying her hair with a towel somewhat aggressively. "I still can't believe the audacity of that boy." She lifted a shoulder. "I can't say it didn't feel kinda good to tell him off though." You could hear a little amusement in her voice, but she hurriedly turned away from the mirror to acknowledge you. "Sorry, I know he's your friend and all."
You waved your hand towards her. "Don't be. I know how James can get. He does need some sense knocked into him sometimes. Especially when it comes to you."
Lily nodded, seeming to wholeheartedly agree. "Yeah, well, I'm not completely sorry I had to be the one to do it." With a small smirk playing at her lips, she walked back into the bathroom again, leaving you and Marlene alone again.
Now that you'd let on to Marlene that you were having troubles with James again, she was eager to make you tell her every detail. You told her all about that night, and the way you'd continuously acted as James's wingman, keeping your own feelings pushed down in your stomach until you felt sick full of them.
"I know it's ridiculously pathetic." You stooped your head at your sad case and the sympathetic look she gave you. "I just don't know what else I'm supposed to do. He's my best friend."
Marlene had moved to sit cross-legged beside you on the bed, so pulling you to lay your head against her side was all too easy. "I know you don't like hearing my advice," she began.
You knit your brows. "That's not true."
"Sure." She gave you a look of skepticism. "All I'm saying is, have you ever thought about just telling him how you feel?"
You lifted your head from her shoulder at that, lips parted in disbelief.
"I know, I know," she began before you could say anything. "I'm crazy. But you're going to have to sooner or later. Either you tell him or you get over him."
Her words, harsh but the absolute truth, had you falling back down to lay on her shoulder again, feeling once more burdened with the weight of your feelings. The prospect of doing either of those things seemed impossible.
"I wish it was that simple."
Marlene tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear comfortingly. "What would be simple is me punching that bloke in the face. I'm seriously one more crying session of yours away from having him shove his wand up his own-"
"Marlene!" You dropped your jaw at her, which she seemed to find highly amusing as she leaned back against the headboard with a grin.
"Only joking, of course." As she looked down at you, her smile gave way to a more sober look. "All jokes aside though, I hate seeing you like this. I care about you too much."
Your heart swelled for the girl beside you, despite the dull ache it had seemed to have picked up over the years when your brain stationed itself on this topic for too longâYou hated the feeling.
You'd never wanted to fall for James, but how could you not? The fond years spent together had all built up to how you felt now; the way your heart seemed to beat twice as fast when he was around, the way every smile from him felt like it was handcrafted just for you, an addictive feeling, and the way he was always so sweet with you. Not to mention, he was ridiculously handsome, a fact that never seemed to leave you.
You knew for a fact he didn't feel the same way towards you, not after seeing the way he pined over someone else, someone who was far from being you. If you could wake up tomorrow and shake the feelings you had for him for good, you'd do it gladly. But you knew from experience it was never that easy.
"I care about you too," you told Marlene, your voice hushed to a whisper. You weren't sure how late it was, but sleep seemed like a sweet escape at that moment.
You talked lowly for a few more minutes before wishing Marlene goodnight, doing the same to Lily when she headed off to bed. Soon enough you did the same, tucking yourself into your own bed and forcing your mind to calm itself.
It didn't take long before your efforts to fall asleep became efforts to simply stop seeing James's face behind the darkness of your eyelids. Merlin, you thought. You really were a lost cause. How many more nights of the same you could take, you weren't sure. All you knew then was that you were incredibly tired, and incredibly in love with your best friend.
The final two days of the school year came to an end in the blink of an eye, and it seemed like almost no time had passed at all as you found yourself taking the Hogwarts Express back home. For most of the train ride you'd all stacked up on sweets for the summer, buying as much as you could from the trolly, though James wouldn't let you even reach for your own money despite much arguing from you. Some from Sirius as well, who pinned James's generosity as favoritism until you were somehow all discussing gender inequality as you amusedly chewed on a chocolate frog.
When the compartment you shared with the boys took on a quietness that must've come from tiredness as well as full stomachs, you snuck out to say goodbye to the girls a few compartments down.
Lily, Marlene, Mary, and Alice greeted you with bright eyes and much laughter as you sat down to chat with them, something you did on every train ride when you needed an escape from the four boys .
The others had fallen into a conversation of their own, allowing you and Marlene to talk amongst yourselves quietly. She nudged your shoulder.
"How's everything been with-" she raised her brows at you, eyes blown wide suggestively, though she didn't need to give many hints for you to understand what she meant.
"Better, I guess." Truthfully, it had been the same, but you weren't fully sure of how much 'joking' Marlene had been doing when threatening to knock some sense into James, to put it mildly. "Don't worry."
She gave you a motherly, almost scolding look, before lightening back up, tone returning to normal level. "I expect you to come back having snogged half the fit French guy population come September."
At the sound of her statement, the three other girls turned towards the both of you, now joining in.
"You have to," coaxed Alice.
"Exactly," Mary agreed. "I mean, it's France. If you don't take this opportunity to find a hot French guy to brag about, I'll never forgive you." They all nodded with words of agreement.
You rolled your eyes fondly, fighting a flush. "I definitely am not promising any snogging." A collection of boos and other displeased noises followed. "I do promise to write to you guys though."
Mary feigned annoyance, picking at her nails. "That will have to do, I suppose."
Your snorted at her antics and the five of you faded back into your regular chatter as the train eventually reached the station after what felt like much too little time. You said your goodbyes to each of them as you exited the train, more hugs being given out in the past minute than you could even count.
Marlene was the last one you had to say your goodbyes to, to which she took full advantage of. "I'm serious about finding a French guy." She winked at you, elbowing you in the side. "Who knows? Maybe it'll help you get over your you know what."
You thought you felt your eyes go wide at the mention of your feelings for James, but you were sure your heart stopped beating in your chest when you heard a "What are you getting over?" from behind you, accompanied by a firm hand on your shoulder. You'd know that voice and that hand anywhere, yet it belonged to the very last person you wanted it to.
You shot a glare at Marlene, but she was already rolling her luggage away in the opposite direction and waving goodbye. You swore you heard her cackling somewhere in the distance.
"I, uhm," you began, having not forgotten James's presence, something you were sure was impossible. "I'm still getting over a bit of a cold." Marlene was rightâyou weren't a good liar. How you managed to keep your feelings for James hidden from him for so long remained a mystery.
James stared at you skeptically, slightly leaning in to observe you and your nervous fidgeting. Your first letter to Marlene would be very strongly worded.
He put a hand to your forehead, silent for a moment as he felt your face. You could almost feel his breath softly fanning against your forehead, the intimacy of the moment hitting you like a heat wave.
"You do feel kind of warm." You almost laughed. You think?
"Hey," greeted Peter, the rest of the group nearing the two of you. He looked at you and James curiously, stopping at the hand that was still placed on your forehead. "What're you doing?"
"She says she's still getting over a cold."
"Oh really?" chimed Remus. "I don't remember you being sick at all this week." You squinted his way. Nothing could ever get past him.
Peter crossed his arms. "That sucks. Right before you leave for France too."
At the mention of the vacation, James immediately soured like he had every time you'd mentioned it. This summer would be the first the two of you spent completely apart, and it seemed like the idea hadn't even fully hit him until that morning. He groaned. "Still can't believe you're leaving me alone all summer."
Sirius cleared his throat loudly from behind, having carried your luggage off of the train for you, though he was too caught up to pry a 'thank you' from you. "Excuse me, Prongs?" He gestured to himself. "Aren't you forgetting someone?"
James smugly groaned before burying his face in your neck dramatically. You faltered and almost stumbled back, half out of being flustered and half from the sheer weight of James leaning on you.
Sirius sighed at James's antics. "You'll be fine, lover boy."
He pulled the two of you in for a side hug, your shoulder digging into the side of James's arm, curls brushing against the top of your head. You hoped you could pass off the heat that had risen to your cheeks as a result of the long train ride.
It wasn't long before you'd rung yourself free from Sirius's side hug and gave him a proper goodbye, doing the same to the rest of the guys before they all went their separate waysâall of them but James. You didn't know where Sirius went, seeing as he'd be staying at the Potter house for the summer, but something told you he disappeared at this moment on purpose.
James was left standing before you with his hands in his trouser pockets, peering down at you with a fondness in his eyes that made your blood rush underneath your skin. It was the first time you hadn't headed home from King's Cross with him, a feeling odd and unfamiliar. He pointed a stern finger at you.
"I'll be expecting letters from you." His tone was concerningly serious sounding. "And so will my mum." You laughed, but he kept a straight face. "If I don't hear from you within the week, I'll have to gather the boys for a rescue mission straight out of France."
You stared up at him amusedly. "I promise I'll write." You pressed your lips together, fighting back the sad smile you knew was trying to free itself. "Now go. Don't want to keep Sirius waiting."
James rolled his eyes, though you knew it lacked any real irritation. He observed you for a second, going still, before engulfing you in a monster of a hug. You gasped, more like shrieked, as your toes left the ground. "James!" you yelled, laughter bubbling through your words as his arms engulfed you. "It's only for two months!"
His own laugh, a sound like honey, met your ears gleefully before he placed you back down to stand as gently as could be. He stared at you for another moment, a twinge of a smile seeming to tug at his lips all the while, before he leaned down to your right, laying a quick kiss to your cheek.
His lips merely brushed your face for a split second, but the wave of heat that traveled through you at the touch lasted for much, much longer. It felt like he knocked any sort of goodbye you could've thought of right out of you. If he noticed your reaction he didn't mention it, offering a friendly shove in the arm, a stale reminder of where things currently stood.
"Trust me," he promised. "It'll be the longest two months to date."
Those seemed to be his parting words, before Sirius was yelling for him somewhere in the distance. His warm smile was the last thing you saw before you had to go your own way, too.
summary: robbs family are obsessed with his wife to the point he canât get a moment alone with her
content: fluff, robb going insane, no war au!!
notes: this fic gave me an unmatched sense of joy. I love house stark!! Iâm actually sansa starks biggest fan on my editing account Iâve posted 128 edits with her in. I saw we dub me head sansa stan. Also I will do a THOUSAND of these happy house stark fics w robb x reader itâs my fav
Robb should have known this would happen.
He married you in the godswood beneath the heart tree, snow drifting softly through the air, his entire family watching with shining eyes. It had been perfect. Quiet. Sacred.
He had thought, foolishly, that marriage would mean more time with you.
Instead, it has meant that the entire Stark family has decided you belong to them.
It begins before breakfast.
Robb wakes with you tucked against his chest, your hair a mess across his shoulder. For once, the castle is quiet. Pale morning light creeps through the shutters.
He presses a kiss to your temple.
âThis,â he murmurs, half-asleep, âis what I imagined marriage would be.â
You hum sleepily. âYou imagined me drooling on your shoulder?â
âI did not say it was dignified.â
You laugh softly, and he feels victorious already.
Then the door bursts open.
âRobb!â
Aryaâs voice.
No knocking.
No hesitation.
He doesnât even move at first. Surely this is a dream. Surely..
âRobb, Ghost stole my boot again and Jon wonât help because he says it builds character! oh.â
There is a pause.
You pull the blankets up instinctively. Robb stares at the ceiling.
In the doorway stands Arya, hands on her hips, entirely unrepentant.
Behind her, Jon leans casually against the frame, smirking.
âOut,â Robb says, voice muffled in the pillow.
Jon grins. âFather says breakfast waits for no man.â
âI am not just any man.â
âYou are when youâre late.â
You are trying very hard not to laugh.
Robb finally turns his head to glare at them. âThis is my chamber.â
Arya shrugs. âItâs our castle.â
And just like that, they leave, satisfied.
Robb groans.
âIt is too early for this,â he mutters.
You kiss his cheek. âYour family loves you.â
âThey love you,â he corrects darkly.
Breakfast is worse.
You barely make it to the table before you are intercepted.
Sansa is immediately beside you, discussing fabric choices for a new gown. Bran wants you to hear about something he saw from the battlements. Rickon climbs into your lap without permission.
Across the hall, Theon raises an eyebrow at Robb.
âYou look troubled, Stark.â
âMy wife has not sat beside me once,â Robb replies.
Theon glances toward you, currently laughing as Bran animatedly gestures about something involving ravens.
âShe did marry into a large family.â
âShe married me not them.â
âAnd yet she appears to be preferring their company over yours. Shame.â
Robb shoots him a look that promises violence.
At the head of the table, Ned watches the scene with quiet amusement.
Catelyn leans slightly toward him. âHe is sulking.â
âHe is learning,â Ned replies mildly.
Robb finally manages to reach you⌠only for Jon to clap a hand on his shoulder.
âYouâre needed in the yard.â
âI am needed here.â
Jon looks pointedly at you being tugged away by Sansa and Arya simultaneously.
âI think youâve lost this battle.â
The yard offers no relief.
Grey Wind bounds toward you the moment you step outside later that morning, nearly knocking you off balance. You laugh, dropping to your knees to bury your hands in his fur.
âTraitor,â Robb mutters.
Ghost appears at your side as well, serene and watchful. Even the wolves have chosen you.
Shaggydog barrels past, chasing Rickon, who is shrieking in delight.
âSee?â Theon says, nudging Robb with his elbow. âEven the direwolves adore her.â
âThey are my wolves.â
âThey are her wolves now.â
Robb watches as you rise, brushing snow from your skirts, only to be immediately handed a practice sword by Arya.
âShe said sheâd spar,â Arya announces.
âYou said you were terrible,â Robb protests.
âI am,â you reply cheerfully. âBut she insists.â
Arya grins wickedly.
You take a stance.
Jon folds his arms, intrigued. âThis should be interesting.â
You swing too wide. Arya disarms you in seconds.
You laugh.
Robb does not.
He is watching the way your cheeks flush from the cold, the way you push hair from your face, the way you beam at his sister like you have always belonged here.
He loves that they love you.
He does.
But he would also like to hold his wife without an audience.
You finally slip away from Arya, cheeks flushed, hair slightly wild.
Robb finds you in the library.
Alone.
Reading.
Hope surges.
He shuts the door behind him quietly.
You glance up, surprised, and smile.
âThere you are.â
He crosses the room in three strides.
âYou vanished.â
âYou were sparring.â
âI would have stopped.â
You tilt your head. âWould you?â
âYes.â
He reaches for your handâŚ
The door opens.
âAh!â says Sansa brightly. âI thought you might be here.â
Robbâs shoulders drop.
Sansa steps inside with a stack of fabrics.
âI need help choosing trims.â
You blink between them.
Robb says very evenly, âNow?â
âYes,â Sansa replies innocently. âIt will only take a moment.â
It takes an hour.
Robb sits in the corner like a storm cloud while the two of you debate silks.
By midday you are seated beside Jon at lunch, discussing archery techniques you learned watching him.
Robb sits across from you.
Again.
Again.
Theon leans over. âYouâve spoken to her⌠what, twice?â
Robb counts silently.
ââŚsomething like that.â
Jon is demonstrating hand placement using your fingers.
Robb nearly inhales a bone.
âThat is enough,â he mutters.
You look up. âWhat?â
âNothing.â
But he doesnât stop staring.
After lunch you all find yourselves in the yard again. Snow crunches beneath your boots as you cross to where Robb is.
Robb is sparring with Theon, wooden swords clashing sharply.
You pause to watch.
Theon spots you first.
âAh,â he says, ducking a swing. âThe true ruler of the North arrives.â
Robb rolls his eyes. âIgnore him.â
You laugh softly and lean against the fence.
Within minutes, Arya Stark appears at your side.
âBet on Robb,â she mutters. âHe sulks if he loses in front of you.â
âI do not sulk!â Robb calls.
âYou do!â Arya shouts back.
Theon grins wickedly. âHe fights worse when you watch.â
Robb lunges at him.
You clap when Robb finally disarms Theon.
He looks immediately toward you.
Victorious.
Breathless.
Snow in his hair.
You smile at him like heâs done something extraordinary.
He forgets entirely that Theon is still speaking.
Then Bran tugs your sleeve. âCome. You promised.â
Robbâs expression falls.
âFor what?â
âShe said sheâd read me all the books and fairytales she brought from home.â
Robb lowers his sword slowly. âYou promised?â
You hesitate. âBriefly.â
âHow long is briefly?â
Bran answers for you. âLong enough.â
And just like thatâŚ
Youâre gone again.
Jon steps beside Robb.
âYou look wounded.â
âI just want my wife.â
âShe will return.â
âShe said that yesterday.â
From the tower above, your laughter drifts down.
He softens instantly.
âGods,â he sighs. âI cannot even be angry.â
Late afternoon.
Robb finally corners you in the corridor.
âYou are avoiding me.â
âI am not.â
âYou are.â
âI have been busy.â
âWith everyone except me.â
You soften. âRobb,â
âReader!â calls Sansaâs voice from the stairwell. âOh!! there you are! I was hoping,â
Robb goes very still.
Sansa approaches sweetly.
âCould you walk with me? I wanted to ask you about court etiquette.â
Robb stares at his sister like sheâs declared war.
You hesitate.
He sees it.
He sighs through his nose. âGo.â
You squeeze his hand before leaving.
âNot as if she had time with you before.â He mumbled under his breath.
He stands alone in the corridor.
Again.
Itâs nearly evening when you finally return to your chambers.
Robb is there.
Sitting on the edge of the bed.
Waiting.
You close the door gently.
âAre you angry?â
He shakes his head once.
âNo.â
âRobb.â
He stands slowly.
âI woke with you this morning.â
âYes.â
âAnd since then I have seen you in passing.â
Your chest tightens a little.
âThey love you,â you say softly.
âI know.â
âAnd you love them.â
âI do.â
He steps closer.
âBut I married you.â
The words are quiet.
Honest.
And for a moment, it feels like the world narrows back down to just the two of youâŚ
A horn sounds.
Dinner.
Robb closes his eyes.
You almost laugh.
The Great Hall is loud.
Warm.
Full.
You are seated between Arya and Sansa.
Robb is three seats away.
Three.
Youâre laughing at something Arya says.
You havenât noticed him staring for several minutes now.
Theon leans in. âThis is painful.â
Jon adds, âI almost pity you.â
Robb stands.
The bench scrapes loudly against stone.
Conversation dies down.
He walks around the table deliberately.
Stops behind your chair.
Places both hands on it.
âMy lady.â
You look up, smiling. âYes?â
âI require you.â
âFor what?â
âFor my sanity.â
Laughter ripples.
You open your mouthâŚ
And he doesnât wait.
He lifts you straight from the bench.
The hall erupts.
âRobb Stark!â Catelyn scolds, though sheâs smiling.
âYou have all had her since dawn,â he declares. âI am reclaiming my wife.â
Grey Wind barks.
Theon laughs.
Jon shakes his head.
Arya shouts, âThatâs unfair!â
Robb ignores them all.
He carries you out of the hall, up the stairs, down the corridor.
Into your chamber.
He shuts the door.
Turns the key.
Leans back against it, breathing out like heâs just survived battle.
Youâre laughing in his arms.
âYouâre dramatic.â
âI am patient,â he corrects.
âSince when?â
âSince this morning.â
You wrap your arms around his neck.
âAnd now?â
He presses his forehead to yours.
âNow,â he murmurs, voice warm and low, âthey can knock all they like because I am not stopping.â
Right on cueâŚ
A pounding hits the door.
Rickonâs voice rings through the wood.
âWe know youâre in there!â
Robb closes his eyes slowly.
You dissolve into laughter.
And this timeâŚ
He laughs too.
But he does not unlock the door.
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