Black Ink on White Pages

Lying naked on the floor of a plain and simple bedroom, I see her helpless body. He puts his hands tight around her throat, she gasps for air and struggles to take it in. He grabs her hips and pulls her body hard, positioning her in any way he likes. He turns her over, and in an instant his skin is again pressed against hers. He slaps her, leaving red marks on her flesh. I see her. She’s powerless. He takes away all of her control, and I see her, with pure fire in her eyes. His hands grip tighter on her neck, her fingers instinctively try and slip in-between his grip. She can barley breathe, but she closes her eyes in pleasure. I see her, who is she?

She sees me. She sees me wake up each morning to follow the exact routine. She watches me get out of bed, open the blinds, make the bed, make the coffee, pee while it brews, take my pills, eat breakfast, drink my coffee, and leave for the day. She sees me plan. She see’s the structure in my life, she reads the lists full of things to be marked done. She sees my love for power, my love for control.

The light comes through the window, faintly then piercing all too soon. Stretching legs and hitting snooze - that’s me.                                           Dressed in that closet, face painted on in that bathroom, downstairs and ready for breakfast made with love by her - that’s me.                                             Mind filled with studies and the precious young man she adores me to adore - that’s me. Spending time divided between the couch next to her spilling secrets that keep us close and chained to his existence. His existence - that’s me.

Me. Not myself, but me. She sees me as the me she thinks I should be, the me I’d be if my mind were hers. She sees the me she could control, understand. She can’t understand myself.

I packed my things and I moved away. She was there, but I came all by myself. Once I got here, the me I knew, the me she knew, that me was gone, and now Its just myself.

I too, am in love with incompletion.

I thrive on the emptiness you try and fill but can’t.

Finding that one missing piece that will never truly fit.

It rials me.

Beauty doesn't ache like an open book

The Incompletion does.

Why does the book ache?

It wants to be read, finished, completed.

Returned to the shelf.

I thrive in problem with no solution.

Standing in a fire with nothing to stop me from burning.

It rials me.

Incompletion

It makes it difficult to live

His love for me feels like a once favorited dog toy,

Chewed up and lying forgotten under some couch.

Like a letter in the mail with no stamp on it’s corner,

It wont make it till the end.

It makes it difficult to live

Its so hard to believe -

I am here, that this is now.

It hasn’t been much time,

But its hard to remember a time before.

The ocean was a three hour plane ride I dropped into

I’ll blink and be twenty-two

Blink again eighty-two.

Its so hard to believe -

You only get one life,

I wanna be a cat - have nine.

I don’t even like cats much.

Its so hard to believe -

That when I wake up tomorrow

The sky will still be blue

Its hard to believe -

That there will be a time

When time has nothing

Pure yellow sinking into blue

Sitting on burnt grass

and hard dirt

I can close my eyes

And feel your  back leaning

Against my chest

The purity of yellow fuzing into

Deep deep orange

In minutes - maybe seconds -

Orange fell into red

And the last rays reached out for us

Like arms we could grab and pull

Back to surface

Red pushing pink out into

The blue and the blue

Engulfing every last drop

A thousand years later -

Nothing as it once was.

But the world still spins -

The games have changed

People dress in different ways

Buildings are torn down

To be rebuilt only the same

But the sun still rises -

The fascinations of young minds

The stars in the spotlight

What happened today

Not mattering tomorrow

The words on his tongue -

Forgotten

But the sun still sets -

A thousand years later -

The world goes on

I’m fucking obsessed, but maybe its okay because I can recognize it?

Maybe its okay because I’m aware -

I think about it all the time;

All the fucking time.

I analyze, replay, question, obsess.

I know how this ends;

I know I get hurt.

And maybe you hurt too because you hurt me

But that doesn't change a damn thing.

I already know the ending yet I’m sitting back to watch it unfold.

Why? Fucking why? Why am I letting this this happen to myself?

Why am I letting you do this to me? Why am I doing this to myself?

What is so fucking obsess worthy about you?

Was it because it was wrong - sneaky?

Did that make it so sexy and appealing to me?

And then you told me I couldn't have you -

And I couldn’t stand being told no. So I wanted you more.

We didn’t talk - So I was left to reflect on the memory, the laughs;

Your smiles, your words, the places you took me.

Then you fucked me again and then again

And then it all stopped.

Deja Vu -

Now I’m so fucking confused that I can’t think.

I can’t ask you or ignore it or say fuck you.

I’m fucking obsessed -

And all I can do is write about it

Because I cant tell you -

Trying to make something, something its not

Trying to see something that isn't there

Trying to listen for words that aren't spoken

Trying to make complicated something simple

Trying to change what cannot be changed

Trying to un-know something known

Trying to read with closed eyes

Trying to feel touch-less

Trying to taste with no buds

Trying to breathe in something that isn't air

Trying to not be what I’m not

Trying to not care

Trying

A hallow organ of blood

   Rhythmically pumping

Enclosed in soft matter

   The gateway of reasoning, thinking, substance.

The stranger strays within and companion he is made

Hallow she is caught in the deep that tries

   The deep that wants

Enclosed she will sink and sink

   And in time the two will resemble oneself

Inside the walls sensation lies

   Sensual, unestablished, addictive, lies.

The brief moment will swiftly pass

   And reasoning will reason

The hallow will be outweighed

Today I want to take the time to tell you how much you mean to me.

For the past few years you’ve been incredible to me. It was high school when I first realized how much I relied on you and how much I truly need you to get through my every day life. If it weren’t for you, I know I wouldn’t have even made it through high school, and I most definitely wouldn't be making it to the end of my first semester in college.

I know I may forget to tell you how important you are to me, but you know that sometimes I can be bad at expressing my words. You’ve done so much for me in the past few years, so the least I could do is tell you this.

You are the first thing I think of when I wake up each morning. Having you there for me at the start of every day has been what’s gotten me through. When I just can’t wake up, you’re there to motivate me. When I'm feeling down, the smell of you can put a smile on my face. If my throat is scratchy and I’m feeling like I may be getting sick, you offer me a great comfort. If my day has slipped away and I need to stay up late, I know I can count on you to help keep me awake. Whether it's your sweetness, your boldness, your strength, your warmth, or even your icy coldness, you could say that I just can't go without you. 

There aren’t many things in life that I know I can always count on, but you’ve proven to me that you’re one of those things. You’ve been there for me like no one else. I’m not the type of girl to easily say forever, but I know with absolute certainty that you and I, we’re forever. I could spend the rest of my life waking up and sharing each morning with you.