soy un perdedor

if i was watching my life like a movie and the main character was me i would be screaming at the screen and getting so angry, i would want to shut it off or leave the room but like hypothetically if i was being forced to look at myself make the decisions i make i would be endlessly frustrated with that stupid bitch and deeply sad for her. i need to start acting in ways that myself-as-audience would be satisfied with and wouldn't get stressed out about because at least there's some growth and forward motion and not just constant self-sabotage and destruction. i need a training montage or lock in arc or whatever like i need some character development this is so stagnant it's embarrassing, i keep slipping backwards. the entire concept of a relapse is so evil and fucked up if you think about it, it's insane you can work so hard to climb out of a hole you dug yourself into just to take a few steps in the wrong direction and fall right back into another one.

i'm losing myself

sister yelled from the other room "where is the first aid balm?" and without looking up from his tablet our dad yelled back HIROSHIMA