Christinerheaxiv Summer Thoughts

1. It’s important to remember that you’re not alone. There are SO MANY OTHERS who feel the same way, too.

2. Remember it’s a pattern and you often feel this way. You know your inner critic always seeks to bring you down!

3. Remind yourself you’re trying to make progress and to change. Your heart is in the right place – so be patient with yourself.

4. Forgive yourself for failing or for saying something stupid. Cut yourself some slack, forget it, let it go, and start again.

5. Try to spend time with people who accept you as you are, and who sees your strengths and good points, your potential, and true worth.

6. Don’t think about your failures. They are firmly in the past. Visualise yourself being someone that you’re proud of, and you like!

It was only in college, when we were both in UP Diliman, when I realized how misdirected my anger was. It wasn’t his fault that he was smart and he excelled academically, I was mad at the constant comparison wherein he couldn’t do anything about it. Throughout the years I was in UP for my undergrad, I grew close to him. He’d be there in my dorm when I’m sick. I’d give him birthday gifts which I saved for from my allowance. We’d go out and try new restaurants around UP. And when my mental health spiraled, it was my brother who supported me (financially, and sometimes emotionally). I saw how he tries his best to understand me and my ‘bad days’. I know how hard it is for him to emotionally connect with us since he went to Pisay Main for high school, so he spent his ‘growing up’ years away from us. But he tries. He tries his best. And I’m beyond happy that we’ve become closer throughout the years.

Now, for my parents, I honestly saw the big difference with my relationship with them. I’ve always been the angsty, angry teenager since it always seemed like whatever I did was not enough aka I couldn’t match my brother’s brilliance. It was exactly the reason why I was more affectionate towards my friends and more open to them. They know I’m friendly and a generally happy person but they didn’t know that from first hand experience. I remember crying when I found out that I passed the UPCAT. I cried, not because it was my dream school, but because I was finally going to be away from home. I was in bliss whenever I’m in university. I was far from the constant fear of my parents noticing every mistake I did. I felt free. I was free. That’s why I opted to work in the metro, and later on, studying again for grad school. Still, I felt free. But that was a total of eight years of being away from home ten months out of twelve, and it was only a year ago when I finally realized how old my parents are.

They aged. And I wasn’t there to see that happen. It broke my heart when it dawned in me that for eight years, my parents were lonely with their two children both in Manila. So now that I’m home (maybe for good. but who knows? let’s see how my career plans go.), I noticed how different our relationship is. I am more open to them. I can joke around with them (i sometimes call my dad sizt and he’d call me sizt as well which makes my mom laugh). I can even hug my parents without awkwardness. They know I like to drink, and I curse (they just don’t know i smoked before and my hoe phase lol). They see more of my emotions, and they listen to what I have to say. I noticed how I can go in between their fights and act as a referee. I even engage my parents in political discussions. And sometimes, I get to tell them about the toxic attitude and mindset of their generation which opens up discussion about what should and should not be present at home. So I guess my parents and I finally grew up. But we still have a lot of growing up to do. They’re not perfect, and I’m far from being one. But this is certainly a start.

“The daily routine of most adults is so heavy and artificial that we are closed off to much of the world. We have to do this in order to get our work done. I think one purpose of art is to get us out of those routines. When we hear music or poetry or stories, the world opens up again.” ~ Ursula LeGuin