I have a friend who is fairly suicidal when it comes to most days and times. Last week he said to me that he knows people don't like being around him because he brings down the mood. I immediately understood what he was talking about because I too have been there. I told him that it isn't the case and that some friends can hold space and not be offended by the remarks of wanting to die.
He asked me if it gets better. I told him that for people like us it doesn't. For the people who are self aware and are using critical thinking skills and applying logic to scenarios it doesn't get better. We just get better at suffering. For some, suicidal ideation is an acute emotional state crisis. For others, it is a tool - a means to an end and a solution to problems. The hotline numbers and resources are meant to deal with people who are in the acute emotional crisis state, not the ones who are using it as a logical answer. It's very unfortunate that the system that is "designed" to help people is failing to reach so many that fit the criteria in a different way.
Ignorance truly is bliss and the dumbest people I have met are often the happiest. I think it's because they lack the mental capacity to navigate ahead in life as to what is going to happen later. The economy is fucked. The world is falling apart. The health care system is broken. What is the point? To work 50+ years of your life to never be able to afford vacations, a home, or to retire? Then you die? Why are we going to wake up day in and day out and wait to die if that's the case...?
Both he and I agree that it is a very moot point to continue with life if that's all that it ends up being. Then he said that someone told him that if he kills himself he is being selfish. Now, I know that I have a very contrasting opinion in that regard because I think it's selfish to place that kind of blame onto an individual that is obviously suffering. I think that the people who say "suicide is selfish" are a part of the problem and the reason that people don't want to talk about it. It isn't because they're feeling shame about being suicidal it's because they taking on the shame that everyone has given them around their opinions of suicidal people. I have lost a few people in my life to suicide and each time I was never mad at them saying they were selfish. My heart broke because I knew that they were clearly in distress and everyone ignored them. I was heartbroken because we have created yet another broken system and it isn't changing fast enough to slow down the crisis.
Yet, here I am now with a spouse that is tired of me feeling the way that I do. Stating that they need space and they can't handle being around it so much. Which is wild. You get glimpses of it and you think it's too much? How do you think I feel when I'm in it 24/7? I'm so sorry that it isn't convenient to you and that it doesn't make you feel good. Again, this is why I could align with how my friend feels. This isn't a one-off incident and most people respond this way. I want to believe that people don't realize how awful it makes us feel, but it most certainly is not helpful.
