Bittersweet Diversion

This is the official hard launch on this blog of my soulmate. It's kind of a big deal for me personally.

When we first started hooking up with each other I thought to myself that it was going to be a fun thing with no strings attached. That's always well intentioned, isn't it? Yet, here we are. 3 years into this and married now - after I swore that I wouldn't get married again.

I digress, this isn't going to be the msuhy love kind of post. This is going to be the exposed experience - the one where you (if you ever see it) get to see the power and potential you have.

In the beginning, there was the music side of things. The unofficial, but best, love language to exist for me. Not only did you find and send me songs that you found for me or felt that I would like, but you also sang some of your favorite love songs to me. That... that was the moment that I would have a shift in this dynamic.

I can't help but lead with the mush I guess. It feels almost impossible to not talk about it when I talk about you. It's like the background tabs of my brain are always open with that playing on various loops.

It was almost instantaneous that I felt the overwhelming sense of wanting you to dominate me. There was something soft yet leading about you. I didn't know where I would land with you when you helped me out in the last second and I asked to thank you with pizza and a hangout.

You showed up in jeans and a soft sweater - freshly showered. You smelt intoxicating. Rob let you borrow his car for the adventure. I wanted to watch one of the new documentaries or movies about a serial killer. I wasn't sure what you would prefer watching or if you planned on staying. I was wearing lazy comfort clothing after a shower because I figured I'd rather be the freshest I could if you decided that you were into me.

There was minimal feedback from you. You watched the show and you engaged me verbally to get to know me better. However, you stayed on the far side of the couch, leaned back, with your right arm across the top. Indifferent. Such a drastic difference from most people who are considering sleeping with someone. I continued trying to read you and what you wanted, but you were tough. I started to force you to move and engage me more with conversation and actions.

The entire time I was baiting you to see whether or not I could tell if you were attracted to me - to see if you were going to make a move to kiss me. Yet, even with pillow throws and sassy commentary you were still nonchalant and ambivalent. I started to think that you weren't into me and that I just wasn't your type.

Then something switched. We went from being on opposite sides of the couch to me straddling you. It was quite the flip of a switch. Even though I physically was on top of you I didn't have the same spidey sense I do with most people. I enjoy eating people alive and making them beg for mercy. Somehow, I felt like I was in the web you had spun and that I was playing right into it - I had a twinge of fear and I loved it. I wanted more.

I told you that I wanted to go into my bedroom and move from the couch. That bed was mine and mine alone. A sanctuary that I didn't just invite people to. I also told you that I enjoy rough sex. I left it vague for the simplistic purposes, but I also didn't want to scare you off. At the end, that was some of the best sleep I have had in my entire life. You had an aggressive side, and you also had a comforting side. I was hooked on whatever someone would call this drug is.

There have been a handful of times where I see a look in your eyes where it's dark and dominating. It feels like a fire is lit under my skin and brings me closer to the edge. I've always loved the darker side of...well, everything I guess.

I would let you do whatever you want to me. You could hold a knife to my throat and tell me to do whatever it is you desire. My mind goes blank when I try to imagine what I would tell you no for. There is a lapse in judgement when it comes to how attractive I find you.

You could chase me through the woods, pin me by my throat, and ravish me. Coming home in the middle of the night, while I'm sleeping, and waking me up - the only acceptable way to disturb my sleep. You name it, it's possible: knife play, gun play, breath play, free use, and CNC. I love being degraded and tortured. I love hearing how well I take it. I love, even moreso, hearing how much you enjoy how I feel. It brings out the feral fawn in me and makes me ravenous.

There is just something so special about someone who can earn and command the respect of me. That sounds cocky - and to a degree it is. I know that I'm more than most in modern times. I know that I have an inate ability to intimidate people without trying whether it be by competency or confidence.

I’m not loud. I’m just me.

I’m not weird. I’m just me.

I’m not extra. I’m just me.

I’m not dramatic. I’m just me.

I’m not attention seeking. I’m just me.

Please? Please just accept me as like me as me.