Just narc vent

Oh no, this was definitely a crash, I don’t say that lightly. Especially since I know the specific blow to my ego that instigated it, as well as how little significance the issue would have had if I hadn’t taken it personally. It’s specific also in that I get moderate to full-blown panic attacks which I have to try my best to conceal when I’m in public.

Bad days are just... They’re the majority of my days at this point, really. It’s surprising if a day isn’t bad. I wouldn’t normally say I hate myself because I’ve gone past that point in self-awareness, so that’s a correct distinction, but there are looming insecurities nonetheless. Crashes just bring them out after somebody or something pokes them too much. But it has an additional sense of despair to it as if I’m always going to be imperfect and there’s no chance for improvement? It bothers me more that there are things — especially negative ones related to me — I can’t control. I don’t like not having control.

Me: this is bullshit

Me: so now I start mimicking whatever is attracting their attention, right

Me: *adopts person x’s traits*