BitchingCriminal

When I rearrange my room, I forget that my mind now has to also rearrange it’s memories of where things are. It may take me less than an hour to come up with a new layout of all my shit, but it also takes me three or more days of figuring out where to put everything again.

Maybe I should re re acclimate myself, and stop feeling so bad about something so trivial, that writing about it just echoes in the chambers of first world white people problems.

I made coffee, went downstairs and said hello to my roommate. Then she says to me

“There’s some dinner on the stove.”

I stared at the door for what felt like an eternity. Dinner? I thought. Why would I want dinner at 7am?

Then it hit me…

It’s still fucking Wednesday.

I know in six minutes I can finish a cigarette and I know in five minutes I can finish a blog post. Well, I can finish this particular blog post.

I don’t know why I care so much about other peoples food and beverage, but I do and I guess that’s a good thing.

Yet, I got to be honest. I wouldn’t care so much if that sandwich and that beer wasn’t attached to that check which has a line on it that reads “extra gratuity.”

Hopefully, I died without having to suffer because I suffered more in this life than I feel most people have, with the exception of my mother, any holocaust survivors, and anyone who has been buried alive.

I wonder what is going to happen to all my stuff when I die. Someone’s gonna go through it, and at that point they’re going to find out some things that I have not told anyone. I don’t know whether or not I should do something about it now. I mean, at the end of the day, or in this case, at the end of my life, is it really going to matter what people think of me if I’m not there to defend myself?

I don’t know the answer to that question and I’ll never be able to find it out anyway.

Another Monday, another first cup of coffee spilling onto the floor mats of my car where I sit to escape the glare from the sun on my phone.

I don’t like Mondays.

If you remembered who I was so many years ago, I think you would find me almost unrecognizable now.

Except for the weathering I wear on my face like a tattoo. It reminds me where I have been, and how many roads it took me to get to here and I can’t even tell how that happened either.

Im 92% moved in to my new space. I look around the room and I have bought every piece of clothing and all my furniture in the past year.

Except for the milk crates which I won't upload a picture of because I dont want to incriminate myself. Apparently it's illegal to own one, seeing as to own it is to have stolen it.

Anyway, everything is new except for my laptop which I have had since 2015. To my surprise even after the ride it's been on, it still works and trust me, its been on a strange and bumpy trip kind of like my ride.

My laptop a.k.a Slappy Lappy was born in L.A., moved to Seattle, then moved to the east coast where it eventually would sit in an evidence locker for four years.

I can tell you from experience, it wasn't a fun time to be a laptop.

Yet here we are together again in California. Slappy being the eldest of all my possessions.

We've been through some shit and we got separated along the way. I thought I had buried a friend.

But the ones youre meant to be with forvever find a way.

Thats me and Slappy Lappy. I owe you a lot. And of course it goes without saying

I ❤️ U

Spark me up, I'm your blunt

Get you faded

Ash and dust, just to warm me up

I feel jaded

And I'm feeling like the winner

I just wanna go fast, baby

Go fast

Let me get a little bit better

I just wanna go fast, baby

Go fast

Tell me where you're staying at

Give me all your digits, and your zip-codes

Come on, tell me what you're playing at

Give me all your fucks

Make me what you're angry at

I'm running and racing

I'm riding, fresher than you

I'm chasing the paper for the million crib with the view

I'm running and racing

Baby, haven't you heard the news

I'm chasing the paper for my family and my crew

I just wanna go fast.

Go fast, baby.

I was getting a strange look from this dog at the gas station, and then I drive 5 miles to another part of town. Guess who shows up?

Only the dog pictured above seems way less judgmental and doesn't drive a car.

I got off the freeway because ppl were driving like assholes. But that doesnt mean there aren't assholes on the side streets, as I find myself getting tailgated by a pickup truck in a residential zone.

Relax Jimbo, the Walmart doesn't close for another two hours.

The CVS I went to was dark. Like we've been closed for hours dark but it was only 7pm when I took this picture of the parking lot.

I guess I will go back to the other CVS I went to earlier where I walked in and saw a line of 7 people and they looked at ME like I was crazy.

There is nothing crazier than standing in line at a CVS with 6 people ahead of you.

I really have nowhere else to go now except home which is exactly the place I've been avoiding. I just found out the person who lived in the room before me went crazy after his wife divorced him and someone murdered his daughter.

I'm getting ready to move again. ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️😂

Ok, so it's really just a picture of my rabbit, but that is my hand and that was my rabbit.

I miss him a lot. He was the last example of unconditional love I had. No one else has come close since he died. That was 3 years ago.

I'd insert a recent picture of unconditional love if I could, but I dont even know anyone alive who would be a good example, but I'll try...

Im getting older. I think Im aging well. I wish someone would have told me I'd be doing this by myself. I'm not at all surprised by this, but the loneliness cuts deep tonight.

I don't know Billie, but I can fucking relate to those lyrics as if I wrote them myself about my life

Even when you get everything you want in life, or at least don't need to struggle for it, you can appreciate it more and you start to understand why the other things you wanted never came true.

The funny thing is, you never really wanted that in the first place, but you thought you did so you went for it.

That should never discount anything, but loving me unconditionally is something even I have struggled with. It's a tall order to have in a soulmate or relationship.

Sometimes it doesn't work out, but we are still ok because for many reasons. I can hold my own hand and I can love me better than you can.

Yet still I find myself wanting to fit in to something. But it’s got to be goddamn meaningful.

This song sums it up tonight.

All alone.

Where to start?

Need to feel like I’m a part of something else.