i don't get me

I know I shouldn’t start writing (typing…) since that’ll only lead to me thinking more negatively than I am now, but this is what I do. When I feel bad, I do things to make me feel worse…

Here we go :|

So…

I, honest to God, 100% , don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

I feel like I’m on a track I can’t run on…

Like I’m chasing after something that I realistically can’t have.

It’s not that I don’t want it…but I don’t think I’m capable of having it.

I feel like I’m living in constant denial by trying to run on this track while I’m barely able to crawl…

I see people around me (yea..I know…don’t compare). I try not to. But that’s me. That’s what I do. But it’s not just that either, even if I didn’t compare myself to others, this feeling wouldn’t go away.

Yet here I am, barely crawling on this track with a shit ton of obstacles that keep knocking me down instead of me hopping over it.

I have all these expectations put on me by others and by myself, and it’s…a lot.

Everytime I feel like I’m getting that much closer, I only end up moving backwards and feel foolish for actually thinking that I could do it.

Yet, here I am…

And what am I doing?

Thank you Jonghyun for everything you’ve done in your life.

Thank you for brightening so many of our own sad days when yours were still dark.

Thank you for sharing your creative, artistic vision with all of us.

Thank you for your words of suppprt to those students advocating for LGBT rights, those years ago.

Thank you for the songs you wrote for other artists in the industry.

Thank you for your radio show, Blue Night.

Thank you for supporting every member of SHINee. You all debuted so young and you helped each other stay strong and succeed.

Thank you for highlighting mental illness in various settings and conversations. We need more advocates in South Korea and your voice helped.

Thank you for supporting your family, your sister.

Thank you for sharing part of your life with us.

Thank you for making SHINee shine.

Thank you for making every day shine.

Now I want to apologize.

I am sorry we could not help you out of your own darkness.

I am sorry we could not get you the help you needed.

I am sorry so many of us took your gifts for granted.

I am sorry so many of us took you for granted.

I am sorry that we could not save you.

I am sorry that what you were stigmatized for in life, will only ve rectified in death.

I am sorry you found hell in living, when your smile, your words, your art, your existence were all heaven.

I am sorry we could not do better.

I am sorry your country did not do better.

I am sorry that so many people failed you.

I am so sorry that it all ended in this way.

You truly Inspired us all.

It’s sad because we always fight wanting not to.

We fight because something’s hurting. And If it’s hurting, we want to be heard and hugged.