Broquest.

I have been on tumblr for a number of years (almost ten, to be exact). I first joined specifically because my ex fiancé said she didn’t want me to, deleted, and then rejoined after I left her and needed to escape her rage. My URL has always been the same: a less popular Radiohead song I never got around to learning all the words to. I joined when tumblr was for the rejects, the outcasts, the closeted queers, the weirdos who had something shitty to run from just like I did. Tumblr back then wasn’t trendy. It didn’t have ads, it wasn’t cool, it was where all the losers (and lesbians) lived. Tagging posts was the biggest goddamn pain in the ass ever. You had to know basic coding to bold/underline/italicize words. Reblogging was a nightmare. You had to REALLY dig for porn. The content was...fulfilling. Raw. Real. You didn’t see content like tumblr’s anywhere else. Nobody fucking purchased their blog layouts, and if they did, they weren’t REAL bloggers. Everyone knew not to link tumblr to facebook or instagram because you just didn’t fucking do that, okay? I crept on tumblr-famous couples that lived across the world from each other and was devastated when their relationships ended. I crept on exes just because I loved the torture of them loudly moving on. I hit my ask limit Every. Single. Day. I followed everyone who I thought was super hot and then attempted to try and charm them with mega-vague texts posts that could have been about anyone (but weren’t). I posted every aspect of what I was feeling 24/7. Everyone knew all of my business and I liked it that way. I stripped myself bare for strangers, laid myself sprawling out in a heap of a text post and called it healing. I went to class, came back to my dorm room, and set up tinychats with all the people I knew on Tumblr but never met in real life. I spent hours and hours filling up my queue, posting dozens of times per day, and going down rabbit holes of blogs until the sun rose. I found my creative passion here. I found my confidence here. I found my voice here. What an odd lifeblood of a thing. What a way to breathe life into someone.

I drove all over the midwest to meet tumblr people (Missouri, Illinois, Wisconsin, Michigan), then California the week after I moved to Oregon, which I now know to be absolutely insane, but at the time felt like I was finally able to bloom. I befriended tumblr people (many of whom I am still great friends with today, a few of whom I love more than almost anyone). I fell in love with tumblr people. I was heartbroken by tumblr people. I went on ridiculous adventures, did some truly stupid shit, slept in questionable places, and sobbed uncontrollably with tumblr people. Some of the fondest memories I will know for the rest of my life were with random tumblr people who happened to follow me or follow my friends or follow us all together or sawusonafamouspersonstumblrbecausetheyrebloggedahotselfieofours. Tumblr crushes helped me get through my move to the west coast. My first Portland girlfriend was someone I met on tumblr months before I left Iowa. So was my second. They were both named Sarah and they both hate me now and they both have clothes I wish I asked them to give back and they both were the only reasons why I fell asleep in my new home feeling unafraid of being alone.

I know a lot of what I know now through tumblr. I got gayer and funnier and happier and healthier because of my dashboard. I learned how to check my privilege and how to identify when staying silent is the best thing to do (as well as when it’s the worst thing to do). I became more relevant and witty and smart. I found style and travel inspiration. I grew the fuck up. My community was here. I belonged to something, for what felt like the first time in my adult life. People made me feel like I was someone they wanted to risk something to choose. When had I ever had something like that before? I was loved. I was wanted. I was ached for. 

Tumblr and its people saved my life. It saved my life more than once. When I had absolutely nothing, I had tumblr, and tumblr was everything. When I was too poor to afford my bills, I had my tumblr people. When I wanted to die, an anonymous someone thousands of miles away would give me a reason to be alive. I hope everyone who has ever spoken to me on here before knows that I am breathing today because of them. This is a fact I know to be true with everything in me. There still exists a massive folder of screen shot after screen shot of nice messages, pick-me-ups, and love sent to me through my inbox. This is truthfully why I stuck around for so long; I needed rescuing. I found that here. 

All of this is to say: I’ve finally outgrown it. It’s just...really not the same as it was when I was 18. Most of this I can contribute to tumblr’s popularity, new ownership, and huge changes, I’m sure. But the rest of it is because I simply don’t need tumblr like I used to. I’ve really tried to be more active on here but there isn’t the allure of an escape anymore. I deal with things and people on intimate, face-to-face levels, and it’s time for me to make that bigtimeannouncementthing letting everyone know I’m finally in a space to let it go. I haven’t been running from anything or anyone for a long time. I’m good now.

There’s not enough I can say to convey how large a role tumblr played in my life, and I don’t think there ever will be. I have no idea where I’d be without it. I especially have no idea where I’d be without the thousands of people I’ve interacted with/have interacted with me during my time spent in this safe(r) space. Thank you everyone, for everything, all the time. I love you so much. I’ll still be here - I can’t not keep this massive journal of a saved life. I still know people on here who I’ve never had a conversation with on any other platform. That’s an important space to keep around. It’s been almost a decade on this forum. I am alive because of it.