Wesss

Fly: I believe I can swim

There are times like this, when I'm on a bus 3-seater with a stranger. And even if there is still place for me to move a little bit, I refuse to do it just to keep close with the person next to me until it becomes really awkward. It's my way of telling myself that, somehow, I have company. I have been alone romantically for quite some time now. And it hurts to know that everybody goes, eventually, and you can feel it. That space they leave behind. It’s the dip in the bed, the empty seat at the table, that pause in the middle of a one-way conversation. I have witnessed several weddings as an event coordinator. I also have a couple of friends who are getting married this year and the next. And for some reason, I’m nervous. The thought of seeing my friends getting hitched makes me queasy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for them getting their ever afters. When they told me their good news, I was nothing but ecstatic for them. I’ve witnessed these couples bloom. I always get shivers—the good kind—when they get all mushy and cute. But, I don’t know. It’s just… It feels so surreal. Perhaps there’s a pang of envy there? When I look at them, it just seems so easy, how everything just seems so right, so in-place. When I look at them, I suddenly believe in the idea of better halves fated to fit perfectly together. Na may forever. Haha. It’s a bittersweet feeling, to see this beautiful thing your friends have and not having it yourself. Hahahaha. It’s absurd to become envious. I’m getting bothered by something that’s still so intangible. People often ask me, why am I not in a relationship yet. It's the same question I am also asking myself. But it's not that easy. Things are a bit more complicated now. I am not getting any younger. I think I am done with the MOMOLs and the COCOLs and the HOHOLs and I just want something serious and real. Something that will make me feel that feeling again. It's somewhere out there. I hope. Hashtag my thoughts at 12mn. Hashtag biglang nagdrama. Hashtag TLDR. Lol.

But more than this, I know there’s something in me that I feel but cannot talk about. Stuff I want to say but can’t put into words. Perhaps that’s what frustrates me—the fact that I can’t make sense of what’s there, what’s always been there, always niggling me, making me restless, insatiable. 

Boom panes biyernes!

Just nature being awesome. \m/

Sorry.

This song though.

How lucky can I get? Just when i really have to go home, a breaking news came before the end of the show which delayed my departure. And when I already hit the road, no aircon bus is passing, but when there is, it goes swiftly past me. I need to get on an aircon bus so i can take a nap during the trip. But in my desperation to go home already, I took the ordinary bus. When i was already comfortably seated, the bus stopped because of some traffic obstacle in front which could have been avoided only if the driver was more cautious. It caused monstrous traffic. Lol. My co-passengers came blowing against the driver and the conductor about what happened, which lead to a chaos inside the filthy, stinky, boiling sauna bus. It took us minutes before we got through the obstacle or whatever it was. As of writing, i am roughly 20 minutes away from home. I need to get some sleep. And it's 11:18pm. And i have to back to work at 2am. I dont know how to make that feasible. Come what may. Bring it on.

Sa gitna ng kangaragan sa newsroom, @marizumali grabbed my hand and asked kung Catholic ako and gave me this medallion/pendant of Pope John XXIII from Vatican. Something to be thankful for amidst the stress :). Salamat po!

Well I guess this is who I truly am. A bipolar by heart and by practice. I don’t know what I’m going to do with it. Even my decisions of battling it are shakable. Eventually, I know this trait of mine will lead me to a bigger disaster. And I guess I would just have to deal with it. Sooner or later.

Right now, I really don't know where I am and where this is leading to. I have goals, but I don't know how to achieve them especially with my present situation. My job somehow pays me well but it can only sustain me, not out family and my own family that I will be building sooner or later.

Sa Porac, Pampanga may regular na Aeta community kaming pinupuntahan. Wala silang kuryente dun kaya pahirapan lalo na kapag gabi. Nung minsan, may isa na nakapagpakarga ng baterya para paandarin ang radyo nila. Spageting pababa pa ang pinatugtog niya. Sobrang napag-iwanan na ng whoops kiri whoops na usong uso ngayon. Ni hindi nga raw sila nakakapanood ng tv kundi sila pupunta sa kabayanan. Pahirapan din ang source nila ng tubig kaya once a week lang din ata silang nakakaligo. Yung mga bata, minsan lang din makapag-eskwela kasi wala namang regular na teacher na nagtuturo sa kanila. Nung minsan naman, isinugod ako sa pinakamalapit na ospital kung saan ako nangungupahan. Diosdado ata ang pangalan nung ospital, public. Pero ang tawag ng mga tao, Diosdedo. Medededo ka na raw kasi hindi ka pa naasikaso. E pano, kulang sa doktor, kulang sa pasilidad, kulang sa lahat. Mukhang kulang din sa linis ang lugar kaya mas iisipin mong slaughter area yung pinasok mo kesa ospital. Ang sarap sanang magbayad ng buwis kung alam mong sa mga ganitong lugar napupunta ang ibinabayad mo. Ang gaan siguro sa pakiramdam na makita mo yung libu-libong kinakaltas sa yo ng gobyerno buwan-buwan kung alam mong ang bawat piso nun eh nailalaan sa dapat nitong paglaanan. Kaya lang hindi eh. Nakakabasag ng puso kapag nalalaman mong bilyun-bilyon ang ibinubulsa ng mga hinayupak na buwayang nakaupo sa pwesto. Tapos ang ginagawa nilang pang-front ng kanilang mga anomalya ang mga mahirap pa sa dagang mga mamamayan. Tapos ngayon nagkakaproblema pa sa kagawaran ng internas kwartas (lol). May isyu pa ng pagmamaliit sa trabaho. Anyare rugo.

I am scheduled to go to Tagaytay yesterday and planned to spend the rest of today there. There is a seminar held in the city and I was invited. I was told about it last January so I have been looking forward for it for months only to find out that it will not happen. Sucks. Basically because my co-writers in our show are also absent today, which leaves only me as the 'original' writer, others are pinch hitters. So I had to stay. And it's heartbreaking.

E kasi webes. Lol (at Macau Tower)

It has been a good year. Let's drink to that! :)