BipolarBare

Born in Stoneham, MA. East Coast. Suburbs.

To my mom and dad, who weren’t married. I honestly don’t know whether or not they were dating or just hooked up.. my mom said they were dating but I don’t know if that meant 2 or 20 dates.. I should ask them. Definitely not a love child. They couldn’t have been from more different planets. My mom is deeply emotional when the time comes, (but very serious/quiet and stoic most of the time) intuitive/spiritual astrologically, private, and creative. My dad is very light-hearted, playful, non-committal in his friendships (as is my mom, actually in that way they are similar- she has few close friends and is quick to shut someone off if they wrong her) philosophical and objective, and quick intellectually. I grew up primarily with my mom. I visited my dad maybe once a year. And I still do.

I grew up at my grandmother’s in South Hamilton with my mom until I was 4. She was a vibrant, outspoken, hospitable, talkative, stubborn and sadly paranoid woman. Her relationship with my mom caused a lot of stress, some fear, and frustration/anger growing up, even after elementary and high school. She had many cats. I had attachment issues to my mom. I would feel traumatized when my mom would leave for work. Sometimes I would chase down the street after her.

At age 5 my mom married a man names Anthony, became pregnant with my brother Aleister (those were actually in reverse order), and we moved to Beverly Farms. It was a nice town. Quiet.. preschool was fine though I recall starting to have issues with boys, my friend Gillon who became somewhat of a bully as he entered kindergarten and a boy named Chase I had a crush on when I was about four, but I don’t think he liked me. He would ironically chase me around the playground, but not really in a way that was playful. Him and his friends made fun of me, I think. But I was really naive. If I was bullied I don’t think I would have noticed. But some people would make fun of my voice or ask why I sounded different (I guess I had a speech impediment, or an accent? I don’t know). They called me crazy Macy, or asked if I were from a different planet. I was really quiet. I had friends, but I don’t even know if I really had enough to be considered healthy. Or if they were close enough to meIt was around the age of 5 that I begun being really introverted; something that was a shift away from my previously playful and outgoing self. Also starting my fascination with sex and the nudity. 

I wasn’t very close to my brother. I remember us being quiet towards each other; our household in general was quiet with Anthony, we didn’t really do any bonding activities all together or talk very much. I never talked to Anthony. I either felt afraid of him or awkward. My brother was quiet. And my mom’s relationship with Anthony was unemotional, too. It was just quiet. It just was. 

I liked art when I was little. And cats.. and animals in general.. I was never afraid of any animal as long as I could remember. This was the time though that I started remember having nightmares/imagining ghosts/fantasizing about fairies, and being afraid of death, and feeling sad and attached to my mom. Also when I remember my first crushes. I liked kindergarten, loved part of it maybe. Because it was a Montessori school, and we got to count with gold beads and make dreamcatchers and make art. It was fun. I was still quiet, though. And I don’t think I interacted with boys, much, or even girls for that matter aside from my female friends who were sweet, artistic, and also quiet. I remember being by myself, sad, singing in the corner of a playground looking at everyone else play as I made up a song about being lonely. 

I think I will start an autobiography.

Cuz I have too much time on my hands, it’d be therapeutic, and it’d help me avoid getting into obsessions where I start journaling and don’t end til the sun comes up.. (which I did last nite, and tend to do when I don’t journal for a long time then sit down to get my feelings out)

I’ll go to the library today and do chapter one. I haven’t kept up wth this as much as I’d like. Maybe this will kick-start it.. Once I get everything out, I can focus on the now.

burning my wrists whenever i wash my hands

making myself gag whenever rushing water comes in contact with my mouth and i’m alone

punching myself when i get angry (sporadic)

being with my mom

jk, jk.

mineminemineminemine

i made this

idk how good it is

... i wonder if this is a good or bad thing.

since i feel the need to tell everything to everyone, i think a blog might be right up my alley. one day this blog will be famous. i create everything with that mindset (hey, who wants ordinary? ;)).

so i’m here for two reasons: selfishness and desire to share empathy. that’s one thing i can offer. advice, nah, you don’t want advice from me. though i give it out all day (and trust me, this outlet will be no different. but i’ll try to keep it to a minimum, and not get too carried away with what i think is true.. in my idealistic head). who would wanna take advice from a bipolar, noncommital, 26-going-on-15-year-old sexually confused and obsessive human? yeah, no. but i still feel capable in telling others what to do. it kinda helps me in a way. i guess that’s why i want to be a therapist O.O one day.

anyway,

i guess i’m here to share my obsessive, raw, shocking, adventurous, often societally unaccepted (+ creative, i might add) thoughts. maybe you’ll seek refuge in the words you’re too scared right now to speak. or emotions you feel too scared to feel. I feel quite confident in many of the emotions i express, but i can always use encouragement and i definitely don’t have a handle on my self-discipline. so writing is always good. there ya go..

for fun, i’ll add a ‘barehug’ each day, because hey that’s cute and positivity is always good (short phrase/quote of happiness, to be clear). as well as a ‘free write’ poem because unfiltered subconcious-tapping-into is sometimes just plain old necessary.

I’ll end with a question answered, asked by you all! So please send questions :) remember i love giving out (sometimes unprecedented :)) advice. 

...andd noww, for my first post!

**(edit)

I’m also going to add my art. bc why not :) I have dance videos, photos, minimal poetry, and starting to make music (”make,” translation garageband) 

:D the tags below are tags I’ll use to categorize my posts:

selfhelp- posts about me struggling and how i struggle/get through it (or not)

myart- art that i make- photos, drawing/painting, music, dance, etc maybe

othersart- art that’s not mine that i find beautiful

dance- my dancing

photo- my photos

mymusic- my music

myfunny- things i think and ways i entertain myself ;) you don’t have to think i’m funny. i do. ;) kinda

funnylink- funny link

musiclink- not my music

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