0-5
Born in Stoneham, MA. East Coast. Suburbs.
To my mom and dad, who weren’t married. I honestly don’t know whether or not they were dating or just hooked up.. my mom said they were dating but I don’t know if that meant 2 or 20 dates.. I should ask them. Definitely not a love child. They couldn’t have been from more different planets. My mom is deeply emotional when the time comes, (but very serious/quiet and stoic most of the time) intuitive/spiritual astrologically, private, and creative. My dad is very light-hearted, playful, non-committal in his friendships (as is my mom, actually in that way they are similar- she has few close friends and is quick to shut someone off if they wrong her) philosophical and objective, and quick intellectually. I grew up primarily with my mom. I visited my dad maybe once a year. And I still do.
I grew up at my grandmother’s in South Hamilton with my mom until I was 4. She was a vibrant, outspoken, hospitable, talkative, stubborn and sadly paranoid woman. Her relationship with my mom caused a lot of stress, some fear, and frustration/anger growing up, even after elementary and high school. She had many cats. I had attachment issues to my mom. I would feel traumatized when my mom would leave for work. Sometimes I would chase down the street after her.
At age 5 my mom married a man names Anthony, became pregnant with my brother Aleister (those were actually in reverse order), and we moved to Beverly Farms. It was a nice town. Quiet.. preschool was fine though I recall starting to have issues with boys, my friend Gillon who became somewhat of a bully as he entered kindergarten and a boy named Chase I had a crush on when I was about four, but I don’t think he liked me. He would ironically chase me around the playground, but not really in a way that was playful. Him and his friends made fun of me, I think. But I was really naive. If I was bullied I don’t think I would have noticed. But some people would make fun of my voice or ask why I sounded different (I guess I had a speech impediment, or an accent? I don’t know). They called me crazy Macy, or asked if I were from a different planet. I was really quiet. I had friends, but I don’t even know if I really had enough to be considered healthy. Or if they were close enough to meIt was around the age of 5 that I begun being really introverted; something that was a shift away from my previously playful and outgoing self. Also starting my fascination with sex and the nudity.
I wasn’t very close to my brother. I remember us being quiet towards each other; our household in general was quiet with Anthony, we didn’t really do any bonding activities all together or talk very much. I never talked to Anthony. I either felt afraid of him or awkward. My brother was quiet. And my mom’s relationship with Anthony was unemotional, too. It was just quiet. It just was.
I liked art when I was little. And cats.. and animals in general.. I was never afraid of any animal as long as I could remember. This was the time though that I started remember having nightmares/imagining ghosts/fantasizing about fairies, and being afraid of death, and feeling sad and attached to my mom. Also when I remember my first crushes. I liked kindergarten, loved part of it maybe. Because it was a Montessori school, and we got to count with gold beads and make dreamcatchers and make art. It was fun. I was still quiet, though. And I don’t think I interacted with boys, much, or even girls for that matter aside from my female friends who were sweet, artistic, and also quiet. I remember being by myself, sad, singing in the corner of a playground looking at everyone else play as I made up a song about being lonely.
I guess I had quite a few encounters with being lonely throughout my life.
