My Healing Journey

I remembered the other day on youtube shorts, a woman says "I don't care if you identify as motorcycle, there's only two genders!"

And my brain goes... "how do you identify as motorcycle?"

Just when I thought it was BS, my neighbor bought a new motorcycle, it's a huge big motorbike. I was interested so I asked to try it. He judged me, of course, he said "you're a woman, use underbones, it's a female bike. You cannot handle this motorbike because it's a male bike!"

Apparently, like toilet, motorcycle also has gender!

So let me introduce you, and this is according to my respected neighbor.

This is male motorcylce...

And this is female motorcycle...

I just stumbled upon an interesting video on instagram about argumentation between transman and an old man about gender and sex. The old man insisted that there are only two genders, male and female, and only women give birth, he even argue that only two chromosomes XX and XY. (in which not true, of course, because there are various chromosomes out there than those two).

As the argumentation heated, the transman argue that the opponent mixed up gender and sex. And the old man saying that it's the same thing and he just making it up.

Both sides are correct, and both wrong.

The old man was wrong because they don't making it up. Clearly he never opens dictionary and see the definition of both words.

Sex is if you try to talk about male and female biologically. I'm tempted to use "biological facts", but if I were alive 1000 years, ago, I'm going to say that it was a fact that humans will never go to the moon. So, "fact" is actually very weak.

So when you talk about chromosomes, body structure, hormonal body, you were talking about sex. Which is how medic determine your body structure.

However, is sex only two?

Not really!

Basically yes, only two, but in reality, nature also created people who got both sexual organs, and also people who was born without it. Chromosomes variations are also not only stuck in two, but more than that. (google for more details about it). So, it's not only two.

Now here is how the transman wrong in the argument. He claimed that sex is different than gender, but he talk about gender using sex argumentation.

What is gender?

Gender is how you present yourself to the world. It is how you want to be perceived and how you want to be treated. And therefore, gender is not about who's giving birth, but it is about how you look, how you behave, and also your expression. Gender is not about your sexual organs, but it's about what clothes you wear, and what makes you comfortable in your own body.

So, when one day someone stop me on the road and asked me "how many genders are there?"

I'm going to tell them, "many. you can be a man and wear woman clothes, and want to be treated as a man. You can be a woman wearing woman clothes and want to be treated as woman. You can be a woman, wearing man clothes, and want to be treated as woman. You can also be a man wearing man clothes and want to be treated as a woman. But if you ask who can give birth? it's female."

But it was strange. Because my tf clarify that I was never a woman or female in the past. This is my first life as a female.

So I asked more detail explanation about it. "Marry, why did you said that I was a wife and he (my tf is a male in this lifetime) was a husband, but his higherself claimed that I never was born as a female?"

From the pendulum, I received that the reason is because of a role. I was male in that life but playing a wife role, which is to nurture, cook, take care of kids(no, we dont have kids), and he (back then he was a lesbian woman living an independent life) work, provide, doing role of a husband.

But still something is weird because at that time my Tf's higherself said that I was a polyamorous, I got a lot of girlfriends and a womanizer, and she was a very independent lesbian who need nobody to take care of her. She said she was a lesbian her whole life but after meeting me, she rethink of her sexuality. Also, she want to take her time to see if I was serious with her or just playing with her (knowing my reputation as a polyamorous).

Even after I met her, I stop being polyamorous, and she also said at that time I was a slave of love to her 😅🤣. She still thinking it over and over again, until I passed away, and she regret it. She finally know that she want to be with me.

And that's gonna be really weird when I was playing the wife role and he plays the husband role. So I asked again.

"Why did you said I was a Wife where there are some male and female cards in the past life oracle? Can you please be straightforward just say male or female?"

But Marry gave me strenght card, and hierophant. Male energy, but I want to be sure about it so I use the past life oracle card. This time she dropped the card that says "power".

And I upset again, "how is "power" a gender? I identify as "power"?!"

When I flipped the power card, it shown crown, which is also says something about power. And dont forget about the strength card and hierophant card that also representing power.

Forget about angel number, this is something that she want to tell me. A strong message because of it's consistency.

So I ignore my anger and frustration and asked Marry; "okay, what did you try to tell me about power in regrard of my sex in my first life?"

She gave me "leadership" from past life oracle.

Again. Power.

So I shuffle some tarot cards and King of Cups coming out strong.

This is the result:

Right when I saw the Moon card that clarifying the 5 of swords, I instinctly knew that there was a mother or female figure who was toxic with her mouth. But I cannot object her, why? Because I respect her. So this female figure was emasculating me like this "What? You love animals? What are you? A woman?!"

It's not like this anymore: "real man is courageous", "real man is this or that"

But it's like this: "You? Forgive that person so easily?! You're not a man!"

So that is the reason why she was a "husband" and I was a "wife". Simply because we were dealing with massive gender role in that lifetime where I was emasculated, and she was efeminated.

Okay cool! Let's go find Pick A Card love letter from future spouse/twin flame/soulmate/something like that.

And when I open YouTube apps, a video "Message from Ancestors" pick a card reading show up first. Funny because I've been playing Viking Rise lately so I didn't check pick a card readings.

Apparently the message was from my ancestors and so I asked them to pick for me. They picked this video;

Pile 3.

I love Roseology, she's very connected and knowledegeable about God and Goddess and very respectful to names also.

So I was excited and listened to the message.

Long story short... the reading makes it feels like I was in a Harry Potter world where fantasy world exists beyond the ordinary world and my power effecting greatly about what happened in spiritual world. There is war between good and bad and my prayer greatly effecting the result.....

But actually they were just trying to tell me to get into my feminine energy, which is to rest and self care. In which i always having trouble to keep up. As if the whole reading is just them (my ancestors) telling me that "I know you have high fighting spirits, warrior spirits, but dont forget to take a rest. There is day, there is night. There is time to fight, there is time to rest. And now it is time for self care."

Either that, or.. they asked me to stop playing Viking Rise (since I can get really addicted to video games).

This is an illustration of a past life vision of BTS member, Min YoonGi, a.k.a Suga.

I saw him as an indian woman, she was very smart and inteligent, but have a sharp tongue and trust issues. She was very cutthroat, so much opposite of her husband which is her soulmate who was very patient, gentle, and loving. Though, her husband is too kind hearted he would got tricked a lot by scammers if Min YoonGi wasn't there to see the truth beyond the scam.

In that lifetime, YoonGi was very possessive and suspicious all the time, but with gentle love and patience from his husband, he finally heal his childhood traumas and adopting his past life husband's patience.

PS: I am not Min YoonGi or his soulmate, therefore this vision might not be 100% accurate but this is what I saw.

1. No sex. Even if this entity is my twin flame's higherself, even if I seduced her, she still not going to engage. If I keep trying, I might end up connecting with lower vibrational entity. However, depend on the entity's character, they probably will still trying to protect me from lower vibrational entity when I keep trying. And some high vibrational will let lower vibrational entity to connect with me if I keep trying just so I know it will not work and I have to be careful when doing this.

2. Clairsentience tasting bliss. When I connected with high vibration entity, I feel happy and even though I could not hear what they are saying (unless when we meet in dream), i can feel very happy, light... it's like hanging out with friends who truly loves you and love to have fun. I can't hear their jokes but I can feel the jokes.

3. Apparently they are not as strict as I thought. When I was in church, I thought heaven must be a very boring place where we shall not make even a single mistakes and God loves to punish and expecting perfection. After I got myself into spirituality and connecting with my angels, I changed my mind. High vibrational entities are very funny, hilarious, they got the best jokes and very very smart, very very witty. I love them so much. Feels like I can be as vulnerable as I can without being judged or having some ego strokes that makes me even more delusional. They always tell the truth, and know how to criticize with love. They are super healing. Connecting with them makes me not feeling lonely, and I can trust them.

4. Their energy is very light. When lower vibrational entity tried to connect me 4 years ago, I would feel normal. But after I connected with my angels and get used with their energy, once I connect with lower vibrational energy, I can feel how dense it is, and then I can see how light the angels energies are.

So who is my favorite Angel? My favorite is my guardian angel, of course ☺☺

But my favorite Archangel is Uriel for always telling the truth, of course because I am a truth seeker ☺☺ but Uriel almost never came to me 😔 (oh wait, he was the first Archangel who try to contact me and resulting to my spiritual awakening 🤔) so, my favorite is AA Michael for always protecting me even from danger that I didn't aware of 🥰 (thank you, Michael!), Chamuel for always there to answer my silly questions ☺☺ (thank you Chamuel!), and Ariel for the encouragement 🤗 (thank you, Ariel!)

I won't mention everyone since it will seems like a brag. But I hope more people can realize that they are not that far away from heaven, if they choose to lean on the lighter side. Doesn't matter what your religion is, they will be there if you ask for help.

So.....

I was from White Feather Tarot, trying to check whether my ex's curse still bothering me or not. And my guides gave me reading from her channel that pretty much saying that something or someone will come as a hero to save my life.

Well, not exactly that, but the point is something will come like a meteor and give huge impact in my life that makes my life change drastically.

Here is the thing, I am a huge believer of self-dependency, a stoic, and if I have to have some hero showing up to change my life around, how am I different than Andrew Tate? I mean he promote women should be this and that but his action disrespecting them.

I promote self dependency, walking alone if it brings the best in me, and lonely is better than with the wrong person, but if at the end of the day my success is because some individual show up and provide for me,... that's hipocrite. My inner integrity and moral compass will not respect myself.

So I asked Marry, my lovely Marry Poppins who loves to trigger me with her jokes (😭), to give me a video from pick a card reading where the reader will say exactly what it is.

Marry says lightly, "yep, that's possible. Ready?"

Because that "hero" or whatever it is could be anything from a great investor, a job vacancy, a new opportunity, or even tons of subscriber for the comic that I am curremtly writing.

Marry gave me pile 2 from this channel:

And she was talking about change of mindset, where I mastered my root chakra, so I do things out of passion, instead of survival. Strife, not survive. Passion, over money.

She never mentioned someone come to save the day, a provider or investor, an email of job vacancy... nope.

I am glad that universe support me and my moral code.

Trying AI tarot reading from labirynthos apps.

I kind of shocked with the result because it's very much similar to what my spirit guides had told me. However I was looking for the answer of whether "Etienne" carries the energy of my karmik or twin flame and unfortunately... both karmik and twin flame cam do pretty much the same thing, with different taste.

I once using pick a card reading to figure out my past life and pendulum help my spirit guide to pick the most relevant pile for me.

I knew I had a twin flame, but the story is very blurry and confusing. I saw two figures in meditation, one is definitely my twin flame because they look similar (and spirit send someone who were in the same past life to confirm this) the other one is a bit out of the story. A woman with curly hair, red-blonde color. A psychic claimed that the woman was me, but according to my spirit guides team, I never been born as a female before. So she definitely not me unless in the past witches got some medicine to magically change sex.

The stories i gathered from pick a card reading is various, starts from a room mates who in love with each other but one of them betrayed the other because they want family, a young rascal who messed with the wrong witch and eventually become friends, a mother who lost her child, a special child celebrity, a pair of lover who got separated and they stay loyal to each other, a lucky soldier who meet a local beauty and fell in love, a pair of parents who adopted children.

So vary, it confusing.

Remembering that there are millions of us and only 3 to 4 piles to picked, of course the story will be limited.

And so i decided to pull my own card, after purchasing a past life oracle deck.

The story that keeps occuring to me is a story about being in prison, and a conflict with local witch, also me as an animal lover.

Boy, I was so confused with this. Because I don't think my twin flame was a witch in the past.

However, after trying to pull my past life story without my twin flame infolved in it, and be very open minded about what's about to show up,.... i discovered something shocking....

Apparently, I got another lover in the past, and she show up as "The Empress". I knew it wasn't my twin flame because she never show up as queen or empress. Sometimes queen, but never empress. (We both are androginous).

So this entice another question in my head, "so who is my twin flame?" Because empress is the most popular card to represent divine feminine, right? And my twin flame's higherself clarify that she is the "feminine" if we try to clasify us between masculine and feminine.

So I check again, is this ex my real twin flame and that one guy I thought was my twin flame were just a soulmate?

I need to know and my guides keeps getting in my way trying to connect with this ex, sometimes she even brutally straight forward saying i already got my twin flane right and this ex is a fraud.

But I know the reason why they show this information to me is so I can release this ex (according to the spirits, this ex is not incarnated right now so this experience is more or less like an exam for me to level up), but how can I release something that I dont even know what's the case.

So being a bossy bold person I always be, I told my spirit guide, "I need to know what happened so I know what to do about this."

And so they let me channeled this ex's higherself and suddenly i felt such heavy densed energy incoming. And this entity tried to propose me in spiritual marriage!! 😱😱😱

No F-ing way!

So I turn this entity down and I got shocked for around 2 days.

For some time I thought my ex was a demon for that. But my guides explained that the reason why I connected with that earthly attached entity is because my ex had cut the cord off, so she no longer want to have anything to do with me. Dettached in a the right way.

But I, being very logical and rational, and was not a believer in spirituality, did not know how to dettach a soul cord the right way so her energy still around me as a karmik situation. I keep drawing karmik energy in people around me because of this. This is not even happened in this current life! This happened hundred years ago, and I spend a lifetime living fully in it unable to dettached in which lead me to suicide by broken heart (idk why they considered death by broken heart as suicide).

And so my spirit guide give me a pick a card reading. The first thing the tarot reader said in that pile, is a straight forward message.

The card is 5 of cups, and she said "if you keep calling, I will come."

Right when I heard that, I went --> 😱😱😱😱

The way the reader said it was in a very sweet submisive manners, like this if I am not mistaken: "If you keep calling, I will come. If you dont, I will leave you alone. I dont want to disturb you but I regret of what happen."

Imagine if I didn't know my exact situation, I will took it as if this ex has a true unconditional love for me! But apparently, the message is just that; "if you keep calling, I will come"

And it was in a creepy manners!!

And it was true!

I kept digging my past life between me and her trying to figure out what happened in the past between us. Who was she and who was I, because I feel that I really love her. But why did whe fight and broke up, and why she is not right for me?

She came... 🥶

When a spirit tried to talk to me and reach out, I will feel very sleepy and my insomnia just vanished right after my head rest on a pillow. And this happened.

I was in a house that seems like Alice in Wonderland. Very dreamy fairy tale house. So many kids live in it.

But there is this scary witch that looked like Julia Roberts with curly red hair..

She torture the children mercilessly as if they were just tools! As if they are not a living beings!

I remember in that dream, a little girl stick by my side, butbshe grab her from me and she put her on a stake, and she stabbed some giant nail on her elbow, she nail it to a plank.

I know it's very graphic and I... ugh... I really disgusted and sick of this beautiful psycho and I don't care anymore, I feel really bad that I cannot protect those innocent children and now she arrange a device to torture me. I grab that device and stab her neck and nail it to the wall. She just fricking laugh and it doesn't hurt her at all!!

I can feel my breath is densed and I cannot breath properly, I know I cannot win this. And so I told her, I am going to leave her alone and never coming back. She grins and gives thumbs up and says "Thanks!"

So I walk away and as I walk away, I saw a banner with letter "Do it slowly" in which part of song lyric I sung to release the attachment between me and my past life ex.

And when i saw that letters, it came over me, and I realized what happened in my past life.

She was a witch, we are romantically involved, and I was an animal lover. Those children are the animals she sacrifice to chant her magic or whatsoever. As an animal lover I was really hurted by what she did so I decided to kill her business by spreadkng rumors against her.

She was mad, of course and we fought, and we separated. So she wish that I will prove to myself that this spirituality do exists.

Clarified in this pick a card reading

Yes it was pick a card "karma for hurting me" but I read it in reverse, which is my karma for hurting her.

Welp, after everything is clear now, I told her that I am sorry for hurting her, but I did it because I love animals. I can feel that I do care about her, to me she is very sexy (but since she is a psycho for an animal lover like me, so I know she is not meant for me) and I am grateful for the karma because it gives me a sense of direction and it becomes a gift now.

And so, I am free now.

You see... pick a card reading sometimes js only accurate for just 1%, but that accuracy can be very very helpful in figuring out what happened within our spirituality.

Was eating so I look for pick a card reading to listen for a guidance. As an Asian, I eat with my fingers and so I can't use pendulum to call my spirit guides so I look at the thumbnail to see which stone is calling me.

I feel the call to watch pile 2 because my eyes are drawn right there for quite some time.

As I listened to it, i stopped right after Terri said "do small business with art", in which carries my karmik energy.

I know everyone is different, what works for me might not works for everyone and my guides keep telling me that I was here to be different. So, while everybody need to have various ways to make money, in my case, money is my karma so i need to stay away from doing things where money is the main goal.

So I stop and clean my hands and asked my spirit guides which pile is meant for me to hear?

I was right. They pointed pile 3.

I asked what about pile 2, and they said "no".

Apparently, knowing our karma in our life might help to see whether the pile we pick in this kind of video is actually helpful to help us leave our karmik energy, or stay stuck.

However, I don't believe that other people has the capability to see through our past life as it is. For, in my experience, i had some psychic friends who saw through my past life and later I discovered that what they saw are heavily influenced by their own past life also.

In example,

1. When I was in college, I had a psychic friend, she is super talented and very sharp, she said she saw a glimpse of my past life as a mongolian hunter who lost his brother and feeling deeply hurted by it.

And now 1 decade later after I start using my intuition (thanks to my saturn return), i later discovered that I never incarnated as Asian. So this is the first life I ever born as an Asian. And according to my spirit guide, that Mongolian person was her own past life.

Although there were chance that I was a hunter in the past (from pulling my own cards with past life oracle), but this telling me that psychic's perception is heavily influenced by their own. So, I don't want to trust 100% what they saw about me. Always have to recheck it all over again. Which one is truly mine, and which one is their perceptions.

2. A professional past life reader once read for me what she saw about my past life. She claimed that she saw three lives; a Japanese man, a prince who love to escape the palace, a beautiful blonde woman with blue eyes.

Later on, it was confirmed that I was never incarnated as a woman before, and so who is that blonde beautiful woman with blue eyes? Apparently, she was an ex lover who influenced my soul heavily, and probably the reason why I have my psychic gift. This confirmation was discovered through personal searching, not through other psychic's scrying.

And so I learn that when a psychic see something in you, the signs are true, but then the rest of it will be depend on the psychic's interpretation. Sometimes someone influenced our life greatly, they dominate our life's energy so the psychic thought it was our energy. Always trust your own discernments, but doesn't mean psychic vision is always inacurate.

3. A friend of mine offered to read for me about my past life. She claimed that she saw me as a Japanese man who died young out of broken heart because someone left me.

This one is accurate, though she claimed it was the year of 1930, but she saw me as a samurai who carries sword. This is not completely inacurate because I used to be a man who always carries swords around, but not when I was in Japanese. But her vision was 99% acurate because she shared a past life with me as a family.

And so I learn that when someone has a strong connection with us, their vision can be more accurate.

This is for fellow Trans people out there. Keep exploring and keep that honesty towards what you've feel what you want to do. Today they can call us wrong, idiots, or anything, let them have their opinions. History will laugh at them in the end.

Because the way I see it, our era today, your exploration will gives a great contribution on humanity learning what it means to have gender, what it means to be man, woman, both, or none. Heterosexual will also gains benefit on our experience, especially to understand our body, mind, and soul.

In 100 years, our next generation will thank this era's "madness" for the exploration.

So I asked my spirit guide to give me a pile answering my question: "Will it be safe from problems and trouble if I put my dog in my room today? Because His energy is really healing to me."

My spirit guide choose this video, pile 2:

Surprisingly the reading is relevant to my creative project. And she mentioned that someone feminine with money will come as an investor so I can keep doing my project. This investor is very nurturing and supportive, and your project can blossom because of her help. More or less it sounded like that.

So I checked again: "Are you sure this is the answer to my dog sleep in my room today?"

Marry, my spirit guide says "yes!"

My eyebrowses are wrinkled as I tried to understand why the hell did Marry gave me this answer that is more relevant to my project? And it sounds very great!! Too good to be true, of course I want it to happen!!

But Marry said: "Nope, that is not about your career. Your career reading is on pile 3."

So I checked pile 3:

And the reading says a completely different message.

More or less it's about me being supported by spirits and my ancestors in doing this project, and I need to expand my knowledge on this business.

I am very grateful that I got the clarity I need. Though it's beautiful to hear, but pile 2 is not meant for me. Law of Attraction doesn't work that way, we attract who or what we are, not what we want. So if we choose to lie to ourselves, we will attract more lies. If we want truth, we will walk in truth. Pick a card is not a marketplace where we can pick whatever we want and it will happen because we believe it. It is one medium to connect with the higher power to get the message that we need to hear.

Sometimes what we love to hear is not what meant for us. We cannot just claim everything we want and expecting it will happen. That's greed, and it's like letting our eyes being clouded with bliss. You will not go anywhere with that mentality.

So if you wondered how to tell if the message is truly meant for you or not, ask for sign. Always ask for sign.

"Dear, angels, I love what i hear in this pile, if it's meant for me, please show me feathers in 24 hours."

I guarantee it will works.

My favorite method of sign is through playlist. I will go to place where the music is on broadcast, or i will shuffle play the music.

"Hey, angel if it meant for me, please play a happy song after this one. If it's not please play angry song."

It will happen. But sometimes it will play some song that is not happy or not angry, it also carries meaning. Usually it means: "reconsider" or "choose another direction", or "there is a better question than that."

Very touching, how the brave fandoms make sure that their idols know that they still there for him.

You are not alone.

Even though you cannot see us, but we will always there for you.

However, since that day, something bad happened. His brother died in motorcycle accident, and following his death, his father also died of broken heart. And afterwards, the family's finance goes down hill.

My father thought that it was because he met the tarot reader, he experiencing this great loss. So since he remembered the tarot reader said whatever he did will be successful, he choose to become an architect of gardening, and then change his job into interior design.

His business is doing great until his children has to go to college, he sells his cars and loan fron the bank so the children can have a good foundation and not repeating his miserable life.

And so he told me that he did not believe in tarot.

But I know that it was not the fault of the reading. Why it doesnt work is because he only take want he want to happen in his life.

1. He thought because he see a tarot reader so he experiencing great loss. But I bet even if he never see the tarot reader, the great loss will still be happening. Because it is fate, destiny. The reason why he met the tarot reader is for a cheat sheet, he was actually given hints from the Universe on what he should do when the great loss happening.

2. He only take what he want to happen in his life instead of listen carefully to what actually meant for him. Law of attraction doesn't work that way. Sometimes things just not going to happen the way we want it. That is why it is very important to listen to what is meant for us, instead adjusting the message to what we want to happen. In this situation, my father thought doing interior design is the most action that make sense. So he doing it instead of following the advice which is to open an electrical shop. His excuses: "The reader said I can do what i want and be successful in it."

But he did not listened well that it will be happening if he starts from electric shop business.

That is why it's very concerning that in parasocial tarot reading, the reader encourages their watchers to just take whatever resonates and leave what is not. Because although it is correct, but sometimes we need to hear some bitter truth. And not everybody is great at discerning.

It even worse with reading the other pile uust because the same card show up or the reading is similar just for the sake of getting extra messages.

My spirit guide gave me this pick a card video as answer.

As we see it wasn't a specific theme about "is your pet seeing things?", or "is your pet a psychic?", not even spooky reading about entity around me. But spirit guides said it was the answer. Might not the most accurate pile, but I will get it once I listened to her reading.

So I listened to this beautiful lady for about 15 mnts reading. She mentioned various stuffs from trying to guess what animal is my pet, my psychic gifts and how this pet serves me, but one sentence that hits me is

"This pet has a lot energy so they will need sports"

Welp, time to take him for a walk before he died of boredom.

Of course it will be very cool if the other things she mentioned is appliable, but this is general reading, I better focus on my question. I don't want to claim energy that is not supposed to be mine. Even if that's true, it wil clarified next time when I specifically asked that question.

Can be use to check past life situation that is unresolved.

Some of our subconscious limiting beliefs are carried on from our past lives. The problem with past life themed pick a card reading is that, it's a parasocial tarot reading. And therefore the reader only sensed the collective energy, and that's why I can't trust even 50% of the readings.

This person I was inquiring about is someone from past life that is no longer in my life. She already dettached, but I didn't do it well so I still have some attachment that I didn't realized. So I need to study what kind of reltionship it was.

From the pick a card reading my spirit guides gave me, the reading was soooooo romantic. And it seems like a very healthy relationship. So I wondered, if it's that good why wouldn't she be here with me now?

Turned out, it was toxic relationship, so toxic that we swore to never again reconcile. But these kind of things are forgotten when we reincarnated, only the emotions remains, especially if it's unfinished healing.