When they made me, they broke the mold. ✘✘

I’ve lost touch with everyone and everything I know and I dont know if I will ever get it back. I dont know if I will ever get myself back to who I was before C-PTSD and chronic illness. I dont know how to relate to people anymore. I am not confident anymore. I am afraid of friendship. Talking to people makes me self-conscious and uncomfortable now. I know I am easily forgotten about, but I have nothing to talk about that wont weigh down on others, so why bother reaching out? Right now in particular, I need to reach out but I don’t know how. I dont know who. I can not openly speak without feeling shame. I have felt myself wither away over the course of years. I think about unaliving myself daily because I believe I have lived enough. I have made enough bad choices, but never enough good ones. Now I am stuck here struggling to live for myself. I wish I wasn’t brought into this world only to raise myself. A neurodivergent person trying to navigate a neurotypical world. The only reason I have not unalived is due to my mother and cat needing me. What if my unaliving attempt fails just like everything else I have tried to succeed at? I wish I didn’t isolate myself from the people and things I love bc I felt the need to withhold joy from myself until I believe I have earned them. I wish I didn’t stay in an emotionally abusive relationship for 3 years then transition to a neglectful one. Putting the pieces of the puzzle together, once my mother deteriorated, I became too dependent on a significant other….because I still needed my mom but she was a million miles away…just like when I was a child….but so much worse. I wish I had the power to save my mothers life. I wish I could give her the strength for sobriety as I have chosen for myself. Would things change if I moved back home? I dont feel like my life belongs to me anymore. Each decision I make is fueled by the desire for feeling safe, secure and straight up surviving. I am scared to death. I just bought a home with someone. Only to cry every night since we closed on it. I am full of fear that I have made a massive mistake. Between the sarcasm, constant putdowns, undermining and judgmental tendencies, what should be the most exciting time of my life has become so fucking depressing. I wish I had a support system. I wish all of the friends I’ve ever had didn’t move away or live so far away that I am no longer involved in their lives. I wish my partner cared about my emotional needs. I wish I didn’t buy a house with someone who is invalidating me daily. I wish he didn’t put his hands on me tonight after I finally snapped. I wish I had the strength to exist alone. I wish the old Bethany didn’t die a slow painful death. I feel I have been stripped of who I am. I am too far gone and this is not a life I want to live anymore. I have been thinking back to a TikTok I saw, the person said “Look at a photo of yourself when you were a child. Would you let someone hurt them or treat them poorly?” I have failed her.