octopus testicles

why can i remember detailed events from when i was 4 years old, but i can’t remember where u told me u work like five mins ago

what are ur pronouns? i’m talkin shit about u but wanna be respectful of ur identity. xoxo

anyone who calls me on the phone to talk instead of texting like a normal person should be persecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

I find that the older i get, the more i wish that roundhouse kicking people in the face wasn’t considered felony assault.

the desire to live in bed watching tv and live off of a strict diet of lava cakes has been overpowering lately.

here to update y’all on the life status! i have stopped wearing bras so basically yeah i’ve given up. :)

getting in the spooky season mindset; i’d like everyone to know that the ouija boards are banned. the only kind of spirits WE need, come in bottles from the minibar.

Tinder, except i’m swiping right on cures for my mental illnesses instead of left on STDudes.

does anyone else have a feeling that Prince Charming from Cinderella had a foot fetish?

I sexually identify as a muppet that was too haunting to make it into the muppets movie