BigFeelingHuman

I find love so hard to define

I expressed it in a million different ways All with the same goal 

To find your soul intertwined with mine

Could you feel it?

in the gentle caress of my hand trailing across your face taking in every detail  of your finely tuned design stopping only to sear its image in my mind hoping I'd never need a picture, if I could see you behind closed lids

Could you hear it?

in my desperate rebukes  of your unhealthy habits not in judgement but of care and worry and in hopes of extending our fleeting time in this finite world

Could you decipher it?

In my restless desire to know you

Your heart Your soul Your mind

every fragment of who you are

the broken  the mended  the yet to be pieced together

Whatever you were 

I wanted, I craved, I yearned to nurture, to love, to accept

but what was our love, if not a violent act, a restless chase that leaves me weak as I pour out my love only to find you’re not  to be its destination 

There was a version of myself That existed  when you didn't 

I search for her  in vain

my mind  has walled her off, Deemed her a foreign entity

and instead,  the version  That knew you has engulfed  my being 

I sense you  In everything:

The cool breeze  That mocks me  With memories of your warm embrace

The cruel trick Of memory Fills the still air  With your scent

Every object  you have touched Every word  you have spoken

All tainted  by your essence

But you are gone.

You have been  laid to rest I watched as  Your body was lowered Into the depths  Of the earth  Then sowed flowers Surrounding Your hedge, Guarding your rest

Yet you are anything  but resting in peace As your shadow  Looms over my mind

Is it because I Constantly visit your grave?

By my own fault  You have been tethered  To this realm of thought

Have my tears  Supplied you with life And allowed you To take supernatural form?

How does one encapsulate a feeling?

When life has come full circle

Where the world never ends   and you never start 

You simply are 

You are part

a deep breath taken  soon to be returned 

the roots of nature in the past growing ever closer to the future  while remaining in the present 

a reminder of all that perseveres

a place of solace 

where death and decay don’t phase you because a catalyst for new life has begun 

and how beautiful it is that it has been 

and will continue to be

Do you recognize me? 

as you stare at your reflection 

Do you understand? 

the sleepless nights of inconsolable despair 

the album of scars from the worlds constant rejection 

the endless sobbing from their indifference to your passion

Don’t you see ?

here I stand before you ready to live another day 

Look. At. Me. 

my scarred heart still beats 

Defiantly. Valiantly. 

In spite, despite.

Acknowledge me.

Acknowledge the strength spilling out my veins.

Do you recognize me? 

For I am you.

time time  time

there was a moment in it where you meant everything to me

where life would be good and the simple fact that you were there made good, magical

where life would be bad and the simple fact that you were there made bad, more than bearable

where my heart became tinder  to sacrifice itself to the flame of our love

the sweet melody of your voice  the safety of your eyes your velvety skin  you,  you seemed to be all I needed in this life

you were my inspiration, my muse if one were to place a mirror in front of me all it would reflect was my love for you

a glance at your face a brush of my lips against yours and it was as though all the world’s poets possessed me and no net could be large enough to catch  the flood of words that poured out of me

that has faded now

such is the passage of time and the eagerness of the mind to forget