mad cause ur wizard hat isnt as big as mine

I'm gonna say it, I do think that even the laziest person imaginable should have a roof over their head, food in their stomach, and access to healthcare

This woman’s face haunts me every time I notice myself do a white girl thing

apparently vic’s vapor rub goes exitinct ? i’ve been using the same vapor rub for years and apparenlty it went bad in the 2010s ..

expired .

Polycules should be able to trade people like sports teams do

Listen -- you're a good defender and your pussy is fantastic, but that's not what our team needs right now. We're trading you to Greater Boston in exchange for someone who has a car.

I never understood the saying "the world is your oyster" because oysters are famously very difficult to open and don't really have much meat in them and they taste kind of bad, if the saying was "the world is your tiramisu" I would understand because tiramisu is amazing incredible but oysters aren't all that and I am sorry but I have to speak my truth

rummaging for an earl grey teabag like its a cigarette

*stands up abruptly* i have an idea for video games *refuses to say any more and goes to bed*

good morning everyone it's time to be tortured to insanity and then of course tortured for being insane

“my father is a boy and my mother is a girl so i’m mixed” is the funniest possible response to someone asking your gender and it came from 6’5 Viking footballer and notable weird little guy Erling Haaland on a Snapchat

Everyone envies me for my shrimp lighter