helpless

I want to put tape on everything I don't use. I want to mark it all with a little piece of washi tape and I want to get rid of it all. but I will start small with just the tape so I don't freak out and panic toss everything to the curb.

it was my safe space and for that I will always be grateful

sometimes I wonder how much harm it really did though

or if it did any harm at all?

it was an outlet for sure, I used and abused the platform I had somehow found as a freaking thirteen year old lmfao

my mental state was so not good and I don't know if posting about it online actually helped or hurt, it could be argued either way

sometimes I wonder how much my life would be different had I not found this outlet, had I kept everything to myself forever

who would I have become though? would I have made it this far?

there's far too many "what if" scenarios I can go through that it's honestly a waste of time to even entertain them

but what I do know now, looking back thirteen years later, is that this is a space where I currently feel like I can say something

i have felt incapable of participating anywhere online for years now, like a digital agoraphobe. scrolling and reading and consuming but never interacting, always afraid to reach out and risk rejection, harm, abuse, ridicule.

stuck inside my own head in this weird exclusionary version of the internet

but for years, I was able to post freely on tumblr. to post whatever the hell I wanted to. it extended to other platforms too; I used twitter and instagram at that time too. but tumblr has always felt more private. safer. more authentic.

bro not even reddit feels safe for me I get so anxious on there everyone is so mean

so here I am to once again find my online voice

i want to tell everyone about myself, about my thoughts and my personality and my ideas

i need to discover that personality and those ideas though

and right now, the way I feel like I can do that is by pure stream of conscious

i need to talk myself into learning about myself, and doing it in a lonely word doc is too depressing for me

can't figure it out for sure

but i'm twenty-six now, and life has changed so much

mostly for the better

I graduated college early, i'm successful in my career, I'm in a loving relationship and we live together with my cat

but ultimately I'm back here because my brain isn't feeling too Content with life and I need to have a place for all my thoughts

and since my thoughts move too quickly for me to get them onto paper, I'm back to the digital diary

i have so many half-baked ideas that I am so excited to cybervomit because they've been plaguing me for so long

i'm going to re-learn how to be present online, how to not be afraid to post any of my thoughts

because I need to learn how to get out of my own head and jesus it's so hard

needing a void to scream into