Between Heartbeats

There’s a bit of black sand this morning on Lake Shore Drive, so the entire route is…basically a loss. We suggest you take the I-90 Northbound instead, unless you’re feeling adventurous. And don’t mind losing your car. And life.

The Vigilant Eye has now made a Travesty Map available. We have documented each Travesty location so that you can travel safely. Please report to us any new Travesties so that we can keep the map up to date.

If you are newly manifested with the ability of flight, (or granted the ability through Savant tech), please go to your local DMV for the proper air-travel paperwork. Unauthorized air travel will be fined.

Many noise complaints were issued yesterday with witnesses claiming to have heard “horrendous wailing.” When asked, the apartment owner said “I taught my plants to sing. I made a mistake. They won’t stop singing ABBA. Please, please help me.”

Apologies for today’s odd update. Our intern brought his hamster to work (which is not allowed) and failed to mention that it can hack systems by chewing on wires. We found Pebbles and got him home. (And gave him carrots)

CARROTS CARROTS CARROTS CARROTS CARROTS CARROTS

This week marks the fifth anniversary of FireFest (No not that one). Every year, our flaming friends and their fans gather somewhere fireproof to celebrate their gifts from nightfall to dusk. In response, Chicago Police are trying to find the party and crack down. As usual.

Cassidy’s Cactus Cocktails happy hour now comes with a free side of fried yuca! Place your order, plant the cactus seed, watch it grow, and cut into the ripe, glowing cactus for award-winning cocktail blends! (both alcoholic and alcohol-free)

While we appreciate the aesthetic, please avoid creating massive plant growths in public spaces. The Vigilant Eye’s building is entirely covered in flowering vines, and it took a lot of convincing arguments and compliments for the plants to let us inside.

The Touch N’ Go Courier Duo are offering 25 % off this week to all Savants applying to the Builders Guild. “If your tech is too fragile or volatile to move, we’ll take care of it.”, said Tether "But let us know if you have any mortal enemies. We take care of those too."

The Vinyl Straw has received their new stock of Blues vinyls, along with each vinyl’s shop-made Synesthesia Smoothie or “Ratatouille Smoothie” to enhance your listening experience. (Do not operate vehicles or heavy machinery while drinking the smoothies)

The Jewel on Chicago Avenue would like to formally request that customers keep their hands to themselves. “I don’t care how cute they look, or how soft they are. It’s, like, super weird that people keep touching my ears”, said local catgirl, Sabina Youssef.

The invisibility serum has worn off, and the dogs at the Humane Society are now back to normal. Volunteers have sent the Vigilant Eye pictures of the invisible dogs sporting floating sweaters, and we have framed them in our hallway.

The Humane Society has had their water contaminated with an invisibility serum developed in the neighboring lab. Volunteers are urgently needed to help put sweaters on the dogs to keep track of the slippery pups until the serum wears off.

Despite being outlawed in 2018, CPD reports a rise in the use of jetpacks in Rogers Park and Evanston. “They’re damn loud, so we know they’re around. But they’re also damn fast, so…can’t catch ‘em” reported a very defeated officer.

The annual community marathon is still a go! Tickets cost $10 dollars each, and proceeds go towards funding the Chicago Botanical gardens. A new rule has been created that will check for artificial speed enhancement, so runners, play by the rules!