BYGONE

NICK I DO NOT SUCK BLOOD! NICK YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME

( jesus christ. he rubs his temples ) I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT— I MEANT SUCKER LIKE - LIKE A FOOL. AN EASY TARGET?

oh! we weren't trying to teach elmo about the color red, we were teaching young johanna about the color red! she said she could learn about it if we painted her room!

Jo? For the love of— last week she told me she wanted it green. It's a whole ongoing— okay listen, Count? First of all she's eight, she already knows about the color red. She's playing you for a sucker. Second of all, all redecorating plans get run by me first, alright, not you guys.

BUT KIWA - elmo this is what you do elmo you have to STAND UP for yourself - KIWA GAVE ME THREE HUNDRED NINETY SIX THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED SEVENTY ONE GRAINS OF RICE TO COUNT FROM HOOPER'S STORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEN GO AND COUNT THOSE AGAIN!!!! THERE IS ZERO - COUNT IT - ZERO REASON TO BE PAINTING MY WALLS. ELMO IS ALREADY RED. HE DOESN'T HAVE TO LEARN ANYTHING ABOUT THE COLOR RED.

( peaking the phone's microphone ) I AM JUST AS REAL AS YOU NICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN HAVE DIFFERENT HOBBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CONTAIN MULTITUDES!!!!!!!!!

( screaming back louder to be heard over his phone's speaker maxing out ) YOU CAN CONTAIN MULTITUDES SOMEWHERE ELSE GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT GO TO CAOIMHE'S APARTMENT

I'm telling you man I came home with groceries and Elmo and like 6 kids were on your stoop !

Listen, if the topic of the segment is animals again make them move somewhere else, alright, and I'm not too keen on colors either. Letters is fine. Numbers is out.

( on the other side of the phone, in the background ) AND NOW I WILL PAINT THE WALLS BRIGHT RED!

YOU'RE NOT EVEN THE COLORS GUY YOU'RE THE COUNTING GUY

THAT IS ZERO, ZERO CHILDREN ON YOUR DIVORCE ARRANGEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

( reaches over and holds the count's mouth shut like he's a dog ) as i was saying,

Uh, you know... any other day and I'd be down for that, Count. But I'm not sure that's a good idea. I mean it's so cold, right? And this could take a while. You don't want to stand out here for hours.

why, i'd love to count something for hours! i am clearing up my schedule for the rest of the day! yes, yes! besides, the cold doesn't bother me, my divorced friend! i have my little hat, my little gloves .. yes! i insist, you SIMPLY must shovel!! you MUST!!

No, no no, no, that's okay. You really don't have to do that. I'm serious, you don't. I'm actually terrible at this whole shoveling thing, did you know that? Yeah. Basically do the whole job in just one really long scoop. Won't even be much to count. It'd suck to stand out here for that long just to count one thing.

( jesus fucking christ ) I— look, man, can you turn that down? It's six in the... freaking morning

no matter that - you mentioned SHOVELING the SNOW! why, and you can't shovel the snow without someone to count how many shovelfuls of snow you need to shovel the snow! please, please! allow me to count for you!

Uh, you know... any other day and I'd be down for that, Count. But I'm not sure that's a good idea. I mean it's so cold, right? And this could take a while. You don't want to stand out here for hours.

( tossing a pot of boiling water off her stoop to clear the ice. ) This Will Certainly Not End Poorly For Me

If you slip and bust your ass I am not driving you to the hospital.