How do you explain to someone you love that sometimes the tiniest of things can cause an avalanche that buries you so deep that you can’t escape? How do you explain that they caused you to break when you were so fragile that it could have been anything?
How can you say ‘no it’s all fine, it wasn’t your fault’ when they did something that upset you? But how can you say ‘it’s your fault’ when it’s mostly your broken brain that’s the problem?
How do you live knowing that you are broken, knowing that being close to people causes them to suffer, causes their families to suffer?
How do you say sorry for the inconvenience, sorry for upsetting everyone, when you know it will probably happen again, when you know that you’re not supposed to have to be sorry for being broken?
How do you approach the feelings of guilt and embarrassment that come with knowing you’re supposed to be a better person, when the world is telling you you shouldn’t feel embarrassed or guilty for being broken?
How is it possible to accept yourself when your feelings about yourself are entwined so closely with how you make other people feel?
Do you just tell them ‘I’m just exhausted and stressed’ because that is part of it? Do you just tell them ‘I don’t know, I’m a mess, I’m sorry’ because that is also true?
Do you just write a list of questions and hope they can understand something they have never experienced?
How can you expect them to still love you after all of that?
