•✐•

“Sthandwa sam…” Ramonda put out her hand for you to take as you got off of your hoverbike, smiling at her often overdramatic, but always appreciated way of greeting you.

“Ewe? (Yes?) ” you replied, smiling.

She helped you shuffle your way next to her, the royal drivers going off with the bike and making his way around the corner. Then, she got a good look at you.

“You look absolutely ravishing tonight. Who picked that outfit?”

You laughed, “Oh, my wife did. You might know her, I think she's got to be around here somewhere.”

“Mh, well, wherever she is, she's got incredible taste.” She pulled you closer, holding your waist, before kissing you.

She always knew how to compliment someone, you found. Even as she twirled you around slowly to give her final decree of amazement, you could feel yourself getting flushed at her gaze.

“Are you ready for tonight?” She asked, leading you to the entrance of the long awaited ceremony that you'd been invited to receive an award at.

You'd never been more excited for something. You'd worked hard to gain even a small amount of recognition at what you did. But Ramonda also knew your nerves were probably shot, driving your anxiety to a higher level than usual. That's why she'd offered to escort you herself. In any other case, she wouldn't want to risk bringing too much attention to you both. You were already queen, having her come to your work events would only exacerbate the amount of people who came to disturb your peace, or worse, threaten your safety.

In many ways, you wanted to be in and out as fast as possible, but hearing her words made you less wary. You knew she had your back.

“Probably not. But, it's happening now. And I've got you, so I'm sure I'll be alright.”

She hummed at that, content with you knowing that whatever happened, she'd be right by your side.

You walked towards the entrance, seeing a flash directed at you once or twice as you proceeded. You assumed the first few were accidents, merely the photographers getting their mandatory pictures of whoever entered. It was only when your names were called that the flashes felt more intentional. An onslaught of white blinded you as the clicking sound filled your ears in an overwhelming sense. You felt yourself moving only slightly, trying to adjust to the new environment.

“Ramon-”

“I've got you, Sthandwa.” She reassured, her arm already around your waist, leading you to the less intense side of the building.

Her grip on you was firm, not one that any accidental pushing or nudging could lead you to separate. It was just what you needed; a message.

I'm never letting go, my love.

Your nerves settled, willing your vision to grow clearer even at the sight of farther away flashes. It led you to letting yourself smile for the first time since before you'd entered. There had to be at least some photos of you not looking horrified or on the verge of running away.

With Ramonda still wrapped around you, you found your way to your seats. With her on your left, her hand found the it's way to your knee, another act of reassurance. You let out a quiet sigh, breathing more regularly now.

The night went smoothly, with Ramonda never resisting the urge to share a quick glance with you. Her gaze was so mesmerising, so captivating, that you found yourself getting lost in it throughout the whole ceremony. You'd let yourself forget what you came here for if you could. Fortunately, your wife was less enchanted when it was important.

“Y/n, baby, they called your name.”

“What?” You asked, still in a daze.

“Your name, darling. They called it. It's time to go up.” Ramonda whispered tenderly.

The words finally registered, and you stood up with her support. Leading you towards the stage, she was sure to stay more vigilant of where you were stepping than you were.

Extending her arm to help you up the steps, but not going up them herself, you found yourself reaching for her instinctively. Plainly speaking, you were gonna get her on the stage with you.

“Come up.” You mouthed to her, keeping a smile on your face for the probing eyes.

She shook her head, not trying to make this a moment about the two of you. She wanted you to have your moment.

“Please?” You pleaded, holding her hand with all the poised firmness that you could manage. You knew that with enough force, she could easily get out of your grip, but you hoped that the former description would help your case. It was your grip. That always changed her level of resistance..

Unsurprisingly, but still bringing you much relief, she relented, stepping up and next to you. She left some distance just in case pictures of you needed to be taken, but you couldn't help but notice her stepping a pace in front of you, angling herself as a discreet shield.

The fact helped you through your speech, and back to your chairs. All through the night you felt her protective presence make you feel more at ease.

"You know you saved my life, right?"

You turned towards your wife at her words, baring a smile only she could get out of you. “Oh, did I now?”, you asked playfully. You were a renowned Dora Milaje in your own right, but personally saving Ramonda had never been something you recalled doing. Not that you wouldn't jump at the chance to if the moment arrived. It just hadn't happened yet. And you were glad to keep it that way.

“You did.” she replied truthfully. Going in to hold her hand, you found her face growing serious, as though she were seeing the memory of this so-called ‘saving’ and it wouldn't leave her mind. You found yourself growing hesitant at your previous answer.

Had there been a moment where you'd saved her from something?

In your mind, she was the one constantly saving you. Stopping you from being hasty in dangerous attacks. Making sure your armour was on correctly, even while knowing you'd never put it on recklessly in the first place. All she did was save you. Or, at the very least, try to save you.

“When did I save you, my love?” you asked, bringing her hand to your lips, and kissing it gently. Her serious expression melted at that, and you could tell that you'd just soothed a craving in her. so, you did it again.

In any other moment, she would have let herself get lost in the physical contact. Let herself forget that anyone but you existed. But she had started a conversation; an important one. And she wanted to finish it.

“It's not a singular unit.”

“So you're saying I've saved you more than once without any recollection of doing it? Was I sleepwalking or something?” you tried to joke. She let out her silk-filled laugh, the smoothest of sounds. One that never lasted quite long enough for your liking. Especially now.

“I'm serious, Y/n.” she tried again. You let the confident act go, wanting to hear what she actually had to say.

“I didn't know where my life was headed before I met you. I mean, I knew I had a nation to lead and protect. But that was my life as queen. I had no idea where regular Ramonda’s life was going.”

You smiled at that. Regular Ramonda. It was strange to hear her say that. As though her regular self was somehow less of something to fawn over. Regular Ramonda was your everything. She was the reason you held your head up so high. She was your first thought in the morning and the sweet song that lulled you to sleep every night. There would be no Queen Ramonda without Regular Ramonda. And that made her so much more special in your eyes.

“But then I met you.” she continued, “And all the missing pieces came to make the life I have now. The life we have now”

You saw the stars in her eyes at that. Stars that had been there since the moment you'd first set your eyes onto the stunning woman. They were perfect. She was perfect.

“That’s got nothing to do with me, Ramonda.” You started.

“But it does, sthandwa sam. It all does.” She moved closer, the stars becoming even more clear to you.

“You saved me before anyone knew I needed saving. You held me up before even I knew that I was on the verge of falling. Your existence has lifted years of burden off of my shoulders and replaced them with enough good memories to last a lifetime.”

You hugged her at that point, holding her up once more.

“I'll never be able to thank you enough for that, Y/n.”

“My queen, we are home.” Ramonda heard the words of the General from where she sat. They were on the quinjet, with Okoye flying it. 

She looked up, having been too preoccupied to notice the horizon of her home country coming into view. 

Okoye, noticing the obvious absent-mindedness of the queen, turned to look at her. Seeing that she’d been writing something down, she raised a brow. 

“Are you planning something, Kumkanikazi?”

The queen, smiling now at the notes she’d been making, nodded her head in confirmation. “Just something special for me and Y/n.” 

At the mention of your name, Okoye needed no further explanation as to why the queen was preoccupied. In the three years that the two of you had been together, if it was about you, she knew that Ramonda would be going above and beyond. 

The same went for what she was planning right then. Simply put; it was a date. One where you and her would spend the evening in your shared room, or out in the garden, just enjoying your reunification. 

Ramonda had been out on travel for a few weeks, unable to see you. It felt like a foreign concept, being away from you for so long. She’d been lucky enough to have rescheduled any travels when you’d just moved into the palace, not long after she’d proposed to you. 

Though you were familiar with being in the palace since even before your relationship started, she still wanted to make sure that she didn't leave you alone until you were comfortable. Surprisingly, she made it 4 months before her travels could no longer be postponed, delegated or cancelled. 

Though you’d assured her that you’d be okay, she’d still stayed worried from the moment she left. The nightly calls that you had to check up on each other became less about her updating you on how the alliance proceedings with the other nations were going, and more about you reassuring her that you were okay.

With all that time away from you, all she wanted was to be close to you. To refresh the fading memories of small things you did. To see the creases by the edges of your eyes when you smiled. To hear your boastful laugh whenever she said something you thought was comical. 

She wanted to see you in your happy state. Doing all your happy state things. And the best way she knew how to get you there was with a date. Just you and her. 

“Do you think you could dismiss all the Dora working on our wing of the palace tonight? I know she’s not a huge fan of them being around in the later hours.” Ramonda went on to ask, unintentionally including Okoye in her date planning. 

Okoye went on with what she said, letting her throw ideas out to see if they sounded okay. By the time the quinjet landed in the royal hangar, Ramonda was sure that she had a finely planned date on her hands.

The two women were met with Aneka standing outside of the vehicle, smiling in greeting. With pleasantries out of the way, Ramonda continued looking down at her notes, Aneka on her left, and Okoye on her right. 

“What have you got there my queen?” the former asked.

Ramonda angled the notebook towards the other woman, letting her read off of it. 

Aneka nodded in understanding, a soft “oh” leaving her lips as she smiled at the revelation. 

Though most of the Dora were close to the queen, sharing a respectful bond with her as their ruler, some of the Adored Ones got more than just that. Some, like the General, or even sweet Aneka got those glimpses of unprofessionalism. The hints of times when Ramonda was no longer the queen of the nation. Rather, just a friend who talked about the love of her life just as any other person would. 

“How is she?” the queen found herself asking Aneka. The call she’d had with you only hours before seemed promising enough but she still needed an outside witness of assurance. 

Aneka seemed slightly stumped by the question, looking for words that usually came quite easily to her. Okoye, knowing how lacking the woman could be in subtlety, cleared her throat as a signal; get to the point, soldier. 

“She’s well!” She quickly let out, in a higher pitch than she normally spoke in. Seeing the pained look of embarrassment on the General's face, she tried again. “She looks refreshed… is what i mean. Very well rested.” 

Ramonda sighed at that, relieved that her absence hadn’t brought you sleep problems. You’d looked beyond tired when she’d left, and she’d spent many hours worried that her departure was the reasoning for this. 

She didn't notice the look of concern taking over the General’s face at Aneka’s words. 

“Aneka…” the General started to speak, angling her head to the side. Another signal. What actually happened?

The normally outspoken Dora Milaje grew nervous at that, making it very obvious to even the least vigilant that there was definitely something missing from her story. 

Unfortunately, Ramonda wasn’t being even the least bit vigilant. 

Her body and mind were elsewhere as they entered the palace, making their way to her living-quarters. She was searching for you in anticipation, waiting to see your frame enter her view and brighten her day. 

When she finally did see you, unknowingly coming out of your shared room to her and the Dora looking at you, she was overcome by relief. 

“Y/n. My love.” you raised your head, knowing that voice as coming from one woman and one woman only. 

“Sthandwa sam…” you let out breathlessly, a surprised smile coming to your face as you approached her. 

Ramonda wasted no time separating from the two women that had accompanied her to go to you. The two of you were reunited in a warm embrace. 

“You’re back early.” you expressed, taking in her serene scent and light energy. 

“The last meeting was cancelled so I told Okoye that we should leave early and surprise you.” 

You laughed at that, “I'm sure she was all too pleased to hear you talk about me for weeks on end.” 

“She’s polite where she can be, but she’s definitely sick of hearing your name.” you both laughed at that.

When the two of you finally detached from each other, She took a good look at you. You looked just as Aneka had described. Refreshed and well rested. Ramonda found herself looking at you in complete amazement. 

She never could get used to looking at your beautiful face and knowing that it was all hers to look at. 

She looked at what you were wearing, noticing that you were still in more formal attire. 

“Do you have somewhere to be, my love?” 

“I was just rushing here to find something I forgot for work. I still have to go back.”

Ramonda nodded in understanding. She smiled at you for a little while longer, holding your hands in hers for a moment  before fully letting go of you. 

“I’ll be back by 6.” you said, before leaning in to kiss her softly. She remained with a smile plastered on her face, now having a lingering tingle on her lips.

“I’ll see you then, my love.” Ramonda said, kissing you once again for that euphoric feeling before letting you go on with your day. 

Though she usually grew slightly sad when you had to work long hours, in her mind now, this gave her plenty of time to prepare everything without worrying about whether you would catch her or not. 

With her mind back onto her original intentions for the day, she turned to where she’d last seen the two Dora that were with her. Surprisingly, she was met with only Aneka behind her, wearing a rather guilty look on her face. 

“Where did Okoye go?” She asked, gaining only more hesitation from the Adored One. 

“I informed her of a task that needed to be done… elsewhere, My Queen.” 

“Should I be worried?” 

“No, no, not at all. Everything is well with the nation, Queen Ramonda.” 

Feeling satisfied enough with that, Ramonda breathed out a sigh, returning back to her warm and loving expression. She let out a chuckle or two. “Good. I was starting to think you already needed me to leave for another nation again.” 

Aneka tried her best to give off the same lighthearted emotion, but failed as her eyebrows creased in worry. 

Ramonda entered the room finally, trading her more uncomfortable pieces of clothing for some more homely attire. 

Once in the clear, she announced her decency to Aneka, who further let herself into the room. She watched as the queen went about looking around at where she’d place everything for later on in the night, and the thing that had been on the tip of her tongue seemingly since the royal figure had arrived finally came to the surface. 

“You know, Queen Ramonda… there was actually-” She stopped when the queen looked directly at her with intrigue. Suddenly feeling the weight of her impending words. “There was something that I meant to inform you of when you first arrived. Something about when you were gone.” 

“The Dora didn’t wreck another one of the training rooms, did they?  Ramonda laughed to herself, clearly not noting down the tension building in the room.

“No,” Aneka tried to laugh off with her, but then realised that she needed to get to it before she missed her chance, “It’s about Y/n.” 

Now, Ramonda was focused. “What about her?” 

“Do you remember how you told us to keep an eye on her for the first few days just to make sure that she was okay?” 

Ramonda nodded at the question. 

“Well, we did that. Or at least I did that. I always did a morning, afternoon and evening visit just to see how she was coping. But after a few mornings, I noticed that I would catch her coming into your room rather than leaving.”

“Like she was waking up early?” 

“No. Like she was breaking back in after sneaking out.” Aneka clarified. Ramonda’s expression grew serious at this implication. 

“So what you’re trying to say is…”

“What I'm trying to say is that I don't think Y/n spent a single night here after you left. I didn’t ask her, so I could be wrong, but I think she went back to her house by the river.”

Ramonda sounded speechless, “I thought she sold that place.” 

“I did too, but according to the people who lived near her, that place was never sold.” Aneka went on to explain, as she’d spent a significant amount of time talking to farther away residents of the river. People who likely lived closer to your old home than they did to her and Ayo’s. 

Aneka approached Ramonda in worry now that the news was out. Fearing that she’d grow sick from stress. Instead of welcoming the approach though, Ramonda waved her off. “I’m okay, Aneka. I just- I need time to think about this. You can have the rest of the day off. I’ll sort all of this out.” 

“Should I still tell the others to leave this side of the-'' Aneka asked, unsure of whether this meant the date was cancelled. 

“Yes. Everything will proceed as intended. I just need some time with her. Alone." She emphasised, feeling herself grow more uneasy at her own assertion. 

The still worried Dora Milaje nodded, crossing her arms over her chest once before leaving the room.

Without the added presence, Ramonda felt herself starting to see the room she was in with a new perspective. She sat on a chair, looking at the grandly sized place in its totality. 

It was clean. It smelt of potpourri. Strong potpourri. The type of strong that could only be achieved for a few minutes after a deep clean. Before the scents would shift to more signature ones owned by the bodies that entered the room. 

That scent wouldn’t be there had you been living there. Not unless there had just been a deep clean, and as far as the queen knew, that wasn't on schedule for the day. 

Looking then at the bed and the tables that laid on each side of them, she had another realisation. The drawers, the tables, the bed; they all looked untouched. Not lived in. 

Had she been so caught up in wanting to make you feel at home that she'd slowly chased you away? That had to be the answer. You told her everything. She'd have known if you had affairs to attend to that required weeks of sleeping elsewhere. 

Though her mind briefly thought of possible infidelity, she took that off the list of possibilities faster than the time that the idea took to formulate. This matter didn't involve anybody but the two of you.

This was a personal matter. 

And if Ramonda knew one thing about confronting personal matters with you, she knew that it took 3 things. Time, patience, and a little nudge.

Tonight would indeed proceed as she'd intended. This date would be her nudge. 

She just hoped she wouldn't push you too far. 

“Hm.” Ramonda heard you sigh next to her. She looked in your direction, a smile spreading across her lips as she watched you try to form words. 

“What?” She asked, eager to know what that hum meant. 

“Nothing,” you laughed, your hand finding hers instinctively. “I just didn’t think this would have been your favourite movie.” you pointed your head towards the tv screen that showed a stream of naming credits relating to the movie you’d watched. 

“What did you expect, my love?” She questioned, raising your intertwined hands to her lips; kissing them gently. 

You felt yourself shift closer to her warm body, leaving a large gap on the side of that bed that you’d been on only moments before. You snuggled up close to her, cuddling her as you looked at your intertwined hands. 

“I didn’t expect anything, specifically. I just didn’t think romantic comedies were your thing.” 

Ramonda let out a full belly chuckle. Short, direct, but loving. Kind of how she'd been the entire night.

“Don’t I look like the romantic type?” she asked, and after being met with your playful hesitation, “I planned this beautiful date, didn't I?” you nodded at that. 

“And it was good, wasn’t it?” 

You looked up at her, the distance between your lips suddenly becoming noticeable to you. And though you knew she was asking the question matter-a-factly, your want to kiss her after the effort she’d put into the day felt like the most appropriate answer.

Your eyes being fixed on said lips told her everything she needed to know about how you liked the day, but still she waited. Wanting to hear it from you directly. 

“You did, sthandwa sam. And it was a good date.” 

WIth your stamp of approval, she relented, letting her excited smile escape from its regular confinement.

You had a feeling that she'd wanted to get everything just right tonight. And though you’d been dating for a while, you knew that she still felt that hesitation that surrounded you all the time. You sensed how much she wanted to give you a day where none of that hesitation was needed.

You hoped that the way you’d been looking at her all day gave her some type of reassurance that she'd done her duty well. You hoped it made her feel certain enough to ignore whatever she might have heard from the others. 

You'd seen Aneka and Okoye speaking when you'd first seen Ramonda earlier, and although all your attention went to your fiancée, you weren't as oblivious as she was in relation to what they were likely talking about. 

Okoye had gone down the same hall path as you, choosing to catch up to you when you'd both left the conversation. 

"General Okoye." You nodded and smiled at her as you walked. 

"Y/n." She acknowledged. 

You subtly tried to attempt walking at a brisker speed, failing to do so without catching the General’s attention. She matched your pace at every increase, even letting out a few chuckles at your sad attempt to get away from her. 

"Do you need something, General?" you asked, finding yourself slowing down to accommodate a comfortable walking conversation. 

"No, but I feel inclined to ask you that same question." 

"If I need something?" 

"Mhm." She nodded. 

"Well, I don't believe that I do." 

She looked at you sceptically,  "Is that so?" 

You were nearly at the doors to the palace, knowing that this conversation had to get somewhere if you wanted to make it back on time for the rest of your work shift. 

You fully stopped walking, turning to Okoye, who did the same. "Does it look like my answer should be on the contrary?" You huffed, getting frustrated. 

"That's not my place to say. What is my place to say, however, is that whatever you may or may not have needed while the queen was gone was observed by more than just yourself." She pointed in the direction of where you'd left Ramonda and Aneka. 

"I don't know what it is that happened, but my advice to you would be to give her details before she starts coming to her own conclusions." 

She left you with only that, a soft smile of concern planted on her face as she went on with her required duties. 

That one sentence had sent chills down your spine, your mind stuck on it for the remainder of your afternoon, and most of your night. 

Now, you still thought of what she'd meant. On whether it was what you thought she meant. That you'd been found out in that one way that you'd somehow kept secret for so long. 

Now, looking at how late it was, your anxiety grew to its peak. 

That old hesitation that you'd been trying to hide for the whole night caught wind again, strengthening enough to peek through your once smiling face. Now a frown plastered itself on your lips. 

“It’s getting late.” you said bluntly. More to yourself than to her.

“Are you tired, sthandwa?" Ramonda asked, drawing. circles on your arm with her free hand. 

You nodded. 

“We can go to sleep if you'd like. Three movies seems like more than enough for one night.” She smiled at you again, loosening her hold on you to pack everything up for the night. You watched as she rose from bed, watching you with those always loving eyes. You felt a sudden pit of anxiety seeing it. A feeling that needed immediate confrontation. 

“I’ll pack these away.” you said, getting up from where you were and grabbing the uneaten snacks from the side tables ready to go out of the door with them. 

“It's fine. I’ll just take-.” you heard her start to say, but you were already halfway out of the door before she could finish. You raced down the hall of your section of the dwelling, finding that your mind was working on autopilot getting you where you needed to go. 

You moved through the halls, tears threatening to fall already as you made your way to the kitchen. 

You heard a few muffled mentions of your name coming from where you'd just been but its lack of volume increase gave you enough information to know that Ramonda wasn’t approaching you. 

You still had time.  

You rushed around, finding yourself in the kitchen putting everything where you remembered it usually sat. 

Heart racing, you felt yourself getting to one of the spare bathrooms. Going straight to the sink, you finally got the first look at yourself for the night, and one thing was very clear. You were panicked. 

"It's just sleep." You said, trying to ration with yourself. 

"Just sleep." You said it more than a few times, thinking, hoping that one of the attempts would end in you believing yourself. Hoping that one of them would end in you having the epiphany of a lifetime, where it all clicked and it really was just sleep. 

Instead, though, when the repeated words hit the +10 mark, one of them ended in tears. Hot tears that burned your eyes getting out and left an even hotter feeling on your cheeks as they rushed down. 

Old memories of life in the palace before Ramonda left came to mind. All the nights where you pretended to sleep just so she wouldn't worry. Where you pretended to have been well rested every morning just so she'd go on with her day not being worried about you. Where you hid in corners soothing yourself when you had chosen to sleep, only to be met with nightmares that woke you up anyway. 

With all those feelings still fresh, you knew that you couldn't go back to that. Telling her wasn't an option but hiding it from her wasn’t either. 

"I need to go." you opened the tap, letting water rush into your cupped hands before you brought your hands to your face, letting the water wash over you. The cold temperature of it reset your body, the tears slowing down and your breathing stabling. 

The water did nothing for your unbalanced mind, though. You were still set on your words. You were leaving. 

You wiped your face down with a towel, washed your hands and left the room, contemplating whether to let Ramonda know you weren’t staying or not. 

You heavily considered it, even walking in the direction of your room, but at the last minute, you turned, deciding that it wasn't worth the trouble. You weren't worth the trouble. 

I'll be back; you told yourself. 

You'd come back tomorrow and you'd tell her that something came up and you had to go. You doubted that she'd believe you but it would be better to do that than tell her the truth. 

Reaching the front entrance of the palace, you found yourself more overwhelmed than relieved, feeling more weight on your shoulders. You walked around, finding yourself nearing the garden. Off to a corner you saw a bench. The one that you'd discovered all those months ago. The one you’d sat on most nights while Ramonda slept. 

You sat, gripping the edges of your seat as a means to ground yourself. You were in no shape to get yourself all the way to the river province. Your best solution was to sit there for a while. 

You thought about how ridiculous you were being, avoiding the love of your life all because of something as trivial as nightmares. But it wasn't nearly as simple as that. 

There was that history. That poisonous history with the person who had broken you in ways that never felt fixed all the way. 

Ramonda was nothing like your ex. She was kind and gentle where your ex was rude and aggressive. She was patient where your ex was short tempered. She was genuinely loving where your ex was hateful with a fake loving disguise. 

Ramonda was everything you needed her to be, and yet somehow that only made you feel less worthy of her. 

Don’t leave. Don‘t leave. Don’t leave; you tried to tell yourself 

But at the back of your mind the words that plagued your body during the day and terrorised your mind at night were seemingly always the strongest opponent in the battle. 

Just leave, just leave, just leave; they used to say. Reminding you of how disposable you were to your ex. If you were disposable to them, then what difference was it to Ramonda? A queen. You were an inconvenience at best. 

You’d always heard of people saying that past relationships could ruin your perception of love and life, but they always said it got better.

For you, that wasn’t the case, because if it were, you wouldn't be sitting there, years after you’d escaped, with the same words still running through your mind. 

You wouldn’t be fearing the thought of sleeping every night and you wouldn't be hiding from the woman you loved trying to come up with more lies to tell her. 

Tears were once again forming. 

"My love?" You jumped at Ramonda's voice, startled more at her sudden appearance than you were of her serious tone.

You turned, looking up. Another fake smile being thrown her way. 

“I'm okay.” You said before she could even ask. You wiped at your face instinctively, knowing that the tears would come down and expose your words as being false. 

She approached you slowly, going down to sit next to you. 

"Sthandwa sam, what's going on?" She was resorting back to the way she spoke to you when you were still in the early days of dating. Lacing her voice with the once emotion that got you to open up. Desperation. 

"I thought I'd be back tomorrow." You said, and though you knew that the thought of you wanting to leave probably hurt her, she still held you as you found yourself placing your head on her shoulder. Needing to feel that sense of safety. 

This small action was monumental. Not completely untouched territory, but unfelt. Unexperienced by you. 

It’d taken months to convince you to let her show you that she could love you. It took twice as long for you to truly believe her when she said she did. 

If there was one thing she knew about you, it was how long it took you to ease up your walls when it came to romance, and how easily you backed away whenever you were even slightly unsure of yourself. She didn’t want what was supposed to be a good day to end up becoming the reason you were 10 steps backwards in your trust again. And you knew that she was fighting to keep you for that reason alone.

You knew that if she let you leave, this version of you wouldn’t be the one to come back to her. It would be a more deceptive one. One that was better at executing your lies. 

In all 3 years of your partnership, you'd never resisted the temptation to leave like you did now. You'd never been sick of the deception like you were now. 

“I-” Ramonda ran through her mind trying to find something, anything to say.

“Are we okay?” she asked, because she needed to know. You failing to leave didn't mean that you wanted to stay. 

“Sthandwa sam,” you sighed. All previous desires that you’d had to go without explanation flying out of the window at those words. Words you knew all too well. 

You sat closer to her, not even a centimetre separating you. “We’re okay.” you reassured her. 

A sigh of relief left her system, though she tried to make it seem unintentional. 

“Today was perfect. You’re perfect.” you started, “I don’t want to go. But, I have- ” you stopped yourself there. 

“You have what?” she asked.

“I can't.” you said, suddenly realising that your excuse lacked validity. 

“What’s wrong?” She said in a tone so gentle, you nearly melted. 

You tried to smile it off, “It’s nothing.” 

Not taking that, she led her hand to your cheek, cupping your face.

“It’s not nothing.” she counter-argued. The glistening of your eyes told her that much. 

“It's nothing reasonable. I mean.” 

“So tell me…” 

Breathless now, you couldn’t take your eyes off hers.

“I’m not a good sleeper.” you kept it brief. 

Ramonda, though sceptical, felt her expression soften. “Meaning?” 

“I’m restless and I wouldn’t want to disturb your sleep.”

“I can handle a little disruption.” She smirked. 

“I wouldn’t call it little, Ramonda.”

“Well you've never disturbed me before. Why are suddenly worried about that now?” 

You fell silent then, your body still with fear. Before you knew it, she was wiping tears away. 

Embarrassed, anxious, and all other types of uncomfortable, you tried to get away from her, standing up.

“Please- don’t leave.” you heard. Again, it was firm and confident. But it was also thinly laced with a concern for you that only Ramonda possessed. 

Your mind rushed with memories of earlier in the day. When you’d arrived back at the palace after work only to be greeted by just Ramonda. No Dora, no crown. Just the figure of her that bore no burden other than loving you. 

That burden showed more that she’d have liked to admit. And though she always heavily denied that it was just that - a burden- something always rang at the back of your mind, telling you that she was lying. That she was holding the world up trying to please you and it was weighing her down more than ruling an entire country ever could. 

Still, with that she welcomed you into her world once again. Knowing that you had one foot out of the door from the very beginning, but still holding some hope that maybe you’d choose to let the one inside the door lead you. 

With a calming day indoors, filled with your usual banter and conversation. You knew that she thought it was going well. In your heart, you wanted it to be going well too. But that cloud of doubt never ceased to exist above you. 

 “I’m sorry.” you said. You were chuckling at yourself now, swiftly wiping your tears away before taking a deep breath in. 

"I'm a mess and I can't tell you why." You lied again, deciding to pile on as many as you could now. 

She stood up, "Come inside, my love. It'd be much easier to work this out without being in the cold." You couldn't disagree, nodding acceptingly, allowing her to wrap her arms around you and lead you back inside. 

You can’t leave now. You'll have to wait until she makes you go. Which won’t take long; you thought.

She guided you inside of your room, letting you settle yourself on your side of the bed before sitting next to you. 

You sat in an uncomfortable silence, Ramonda waiting to let you calm down more. When you seemed more stable, but you still refused to say anything, she sighed looking up at the ceiling. 

"Aneka told me that you still have your old place by the river." She started. Your focus immediately went to her, her hand rushing to find hers. She let you hold her hand, but still she couldn't look at you. 

"Is it true?"

"It's not lik-" you started, sighing and trying again, "Yes." Now she looked at you.

"My love...” You heard her whisper. 

"It's not you. It's never been you." 

"Then what is it?" 

"It's… it's… complicated" 

You spoke like you were ready to leave.

"I've got all night. We can uncomplicate it." 

"I don't think it could really work like that, sthandwa." 

“Why won’t you at least try to tell me so I can see for myself whether that is true?”

“Because if I do, and I am right, it’ll break me 10 times more than the first time.” 

“What was the first time?” 

Tired of the back and forth, and quite frankly tired of the secrets, you relented. "I have these nightmares…" you started to explain it all to her. From the very beginning. 

You described the memories of you and your ex. The moments where the love that you had built suddenly turned into hate from them. How you could feel your uncertainty about them build up overtime. And how that feeling of safety that you'd often had before, faded into a mere foreign concept. 

You told her about the worst days. When the abusive and toxic nature of the relationship had started to seep into your mind, flooding your thoughts even when you were far away from them. 

You continued as Ramonda held you closely, listening to your every word.  

"When I left, the nightmares started. Heightened memories of our worst days. The days when their words got to me the most. I stopped feeling safe entirely. My life, dictated by their words. I lost control of myself.” You wiped away your now, few tears, finding yourself thinking about the good that came after all that you’d been through. 

“Then you came along. And you made me feel… wanted. You made me feel like I wasn't as bad of a person to deal with. Like my existence wasn’t a hindrance. 

And for so long I hoped that that would be enough. That your love would wash away all of the bad nights and I'd be fully at peace for once. But it's never that simple. I still have those nightmares.” 

Ramonda only held you closer now, feeling the weight of the burden you’d been carrying. 

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” she asked gently. Not angry, but curious. 

“I didn’t tell you because it would make you think that I wasn’t happy. That you don’t make me happy and Bast, Ramonda, you make me more happy than anybody I’ve ever crossed paths with. I never for a moment wanted you to think that all your loving actions were in vain. I still don’t want you to.” 

That final admission, where you felt yourself become your most vulnerable, was like a release in the chain of bad events that had happened to you in your life. It made you feel more than any other day with Ramonda ever had. 

It felt better than the day you’d gone on your first date. Or the day she’d proposed to you with the sweetest speech you’d ever heard. It was more than all the gifts she’d gotten you and all the late night conversations you’d had. 

It was so much more, because this time, you were finally able to give her the honesty that you’d longed to give her all this time. This time, you were putting your fear of hurting her feelings aside in an attempt to give her the reassurance that you trusted her. 

That relief of being able to subtly say those words; I trust you. That was special. 

You laid there, watching her process it all, and for a moment, even with your relief, you felt yourself begin to panic. Maybe it was too much. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn't have said all of that.” 

“No. I’m glad you did. I’m glad you don’t have to keep it to yourself anymore.” she said, “I’m sorry you felt like you had to keep that in for so long.” 

“Don’t apologise. It has nothing to do with you.” 

“But it has everything to do with you. And anything that has to do with you is immediately something I want to know.” she looked at you with the faintest smile on her face, her signal to you that told you she wasn’t mad. 

“I want to be here for all your moments, sthandwa sam. I want to celebrate your good news with you and I want to cry at your bad news just as intensely. You’re worth every minute of sleep that I lose at the hands of holding you after those nightmares.” 

Hearing that, you tried to shake your head in disagreement. 

“No I’m no-”

“Yes you are Y/n.” she kissed your hand tenderly. 

“I don’t expect you to believe me just yet, but I’m willing to let you know that you are, over and over again. I’m willing to hold you as close to me as you need every night until the day I die. I’ll do it all if it means you’ll feel safe again.” 

You were left speechless, trying to find the words to respond to that, but honestly you knew that you wouldn’t be able to. She meant every word, and you felt every bit of her emotion. 

With your hand still in hers, she settled herself in bed, looking at you as you watched her hesitantly. 

“Let me hold you tightly… and let me choose to never let go.” she said. 

Hours later, when you felt yourself begin to stir awake, your heart racing as yet another night terror played itself out in your head, you felt yourself rising up. 

Opening your eyes, and finding tears in them, you wiped them away in embarrassment. 

More doubt crept up in you, and once again, the odds seemed to be stacked against you. 

There was no way this could all work. 

You were just too much. 

When you tried to rise up from bed, wanting to get your things and leave, you felt an arm touch yours. 

You looked down, seeing what you’d previously thought would be a sleeping Ramonda, definitely awake. 

She laid, watching you with barely awake eyes. You’d clearly woken her up. 

“I’m sorry.” you apologised. 

But when you thought you’d be met with anger, or pity, you were only met with a warm and welcoming expression, Ramonda sitting up and opening her arms to you. 

“Come here.” she said, waiting patiently but firmly. 

You were slow, but after a few deep breaths, you found yourself drawn to her touch, wanting that protection. 

Her warm embrace seemed to ease your mind for the first time in a while. Her presence calmed you, and you felt cared for in a completely new way.