J'taime

Our love is a river long. The best right and a million wrongs. – ‘Go Solo’, Tom Rosenthal

“It’s alright Casey; it’s going to be alright.” Bryce strokes my hair in a futile attempt at comfort as I cling to him sobbing.

“He’s gone.” I choke, crying harder as a fresh wave of grief washes over me.  Bryce doesn’t reply, holding me tighter without another word. There’s nothing anyone could say right now to make the pain go away. Everyone is grieving in their own way. Elijah sits silently by the window, staring at the world outside blankly. Sienna is in the kitchen, distracting herself by baking. But the tears in the mixing bowl weren’t part of the recipe. Jackie, I don’t know. She hasn’t left her room since the news broke.

Aurora called us a few hours ago from Mass Kenmore. Rafael Aveiro is dead. I didn’t hear the rest. I don’t want to know.

“Someone should check in on Sora.” Elijah speaks up. Sora. Shit.

“Oh god. Poor Sora.” Sienna bursts into a fresh flood of tears, but my stomach churns at their words. It’s not that I don’t feel for her, but how do you comfort the grieving girlfriend of the man you were sleeping with and not feel like a complete fraud?

“Casey, you knew them both best. Maybe-“

“No.” I cut Elijah off before he can even finish the sentence.

“Not the best time Elijah.” Bryce shakes his head at him across the room.

“Sorry, I just thought because they were friends...” He trails off.

The word is a punch to the gut. Friends. That’s all anyone knew we were since Sora came back into his life, if they knew the truth they’d be disgusted, furious. Especially since this was all my fault. He was about to tell her the truth, to leave her so we could make a proper go of things. That wouldn’t happen now. None of the plans we’d made would.

…

               “Casey are you coming?” Jackie sticks her head around the door, morning of the funeral. She’s already dressed, ready to leave. Meanwhile I’m still buried underneath the covers, same place as I’ve hidden for the last week.

“I don’t think so.”

“Why not?” The bed dips with her weight as she sits down beside me, hand resting on where my shoulder is buried by the duvet.

“I just can’t face it.” I don’t tell her about Sora’s text, warning me she knew, to keep away. It only confirmed my worst fears; that this really had been all my fault. In his decision to leave her for me, I set about a cataclysmic chain of events – starting with a kiss and ending with an upturned car wreckage on the side of the road.

“I hate to be that person, but this isn’t about you Casey. Our friend is dead, and we have a responsibility to show up for him and for Sora.”

“Sora doesn’t want me there! Okay?” I throw the covers off me, sitting up to stare my best friend down until she leaves.

…

               “She hasn’t gotten out of bed in days, I know they were close, but this is crazy. Ramsey is worried about her clocking up enough hours to stay in the programme.” I can hear Sienna in the hallway, talking softly to an unknown.

“You don’t think-” Aurora trails off.

“No. No way, Casey would be some secret affair. She’s too good for that.” Sienna leaps to my defence immediately. If only she knew.

“I’m not so sure. You know Sora told her to stay away from the funeral, right?” Jackie interjects.

“What?” Both Sienna and Aurora are stunned by the news.

“That doesn’t mean anything. She’s just grieving. Grief does funny things to us – we all know that.” The voices get quieter as the trio retreat to the living room and I begin to feel guilty, remembering how Sienna lost Danny.

…

               “You’re up!” I hear Sienna before I see her, turning around in the kitchen to where she’s standing in the entryway.

“Yeah. I thought I better get back into the hospital at some point. Don’t wanna lose my residency.”

“Ah. You heard us yesterday.” Sienna blushes and I offer her a watery smile.

“It’s okay. You guys were just worried about me.”

“Did…” She struggles to find the right words for a moment. “Did you still love him?”

“I did.” I concede and understanding flashes between us for a moment. “It was after everything with the senator…” She winces, remembering. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Do you want to talk about him? With me I mean?”

“Not yet. I’m not ready yet.”

“Whenever you’re ready.”

…

It was right after everything with the senator, the cannister and Danny. Sora went home for the night, once she knew Raf would pull through. And I, I hovered outside his room, weighing it all up. What I was about to do – was it worth it? We had nearly died, if there was ever a time to risk it all. It was now.

“Casey I know you’re there, come in.”

“Sorry.” I hesitate in the doorway until he pats a space on the bed beside him, inviting me to sit there.

“Don’t be. What is it?” His hand finds mine, stroking the pad of his thumb across my knuckles gently. Here goes nothing.

“I love you. I never stopped loving you and sometimes I don’t think I ever will stop loving you and it hurts Raf. It hurts.” I didn’t want to cry but somehow the tears won’t stop falling, rolling down off my cheeks and onto the blue waffle bedcovers.

“Casey…”

“Please don’t say anything. Please? Just give me one more minute where I can believe you love me too before you break my heart all over again.” I take a deep breath, using my free hand to wipe away the rogue tears still making their way down my face. He holds my other hand tighter, watching me wordlessly.

“You don’t have to stop believing that.” He whispers, watching me with tired eyes.

“What?”

“You don’t have to stop believing that. I love you too.” He repeats, voice a little stronger this time. He tugs the hand holding mine, until I get the hint, lying down beside him and curling into his side, wary of all the wires around us.

“What are we going to do?” I question, letting my eyes open and close drowsily when he kisses the top of my head.

“We’ve got time. We’ll figure that out.”

…