Distorted Humanity

the particular dose i have to take for my anxiety always leaves me incredibly dazed and drowsy in a way that is, for some reason, kind of arousing. even then, i'd never had any strange dreams while on this medication until yesterday.

i must admit i was anxious about not being able to go under this time, since i could feel my limbs starting to go numb while my mind was actively trying to stay awake. i did fall asleep eventually, but for the first few minutes i could feel myself wanting to wake up. as soon as i started dreaming, everything felt really vivid. i could see everything very clearly, and i was consciously going through every action. in fact, at some point in the beginning of the dream i remember thinking i must've been reliving an actual memory (even if none of what was happening had ever occurred), and pointing at my friends' faces in recognition.

i also remember waking up for a few seconds in between portions of the dream, and feeling just how heavy my body was. these sensations eventually stuck with me, and as the dream carried on i began to have difficulty walking and hearing what was being said to me, as if i had headphones on (which i did have, in real life). i would often ask people to repeat themselves and even tried to read their lips as they talked.

it feels important for me to point out these things so you can better understand the state i was in during this experience, but the actual plot of the first sections of the dream is irrelevant.

suddenly, i found myself laying down in the backseat of a car, being taken to a vaguely industrial area. i didn't know who was driving, but i was certain that, whoever it was, they weren't the one who really wanted me there. at this point, like i said earlier, my body was as heavy in the dream as it was in real life. i do remember staying relatively docile throughout all this; i wasn't restrained in any way, nor did i complain or try to resist. in fact, i knew no real harm would come to me.

the atmosphere of this part of the dream was, to put it plainly, like that of a late 90s movie (think cronenberg's crash, for example). the sky was cloudy, everything felt bleak and gloomy, there were no people around, and the car itself was old and dusty. i was carried out of it in the driver's arms eventually, and taken into what could've been a warehouse, or maybe a house.

the space inside was dark, as if someone had shut down all the blinds, and incredibly cluttered. there was no trash around, but the floor was covered in cables and various old computers and machinery i couldn't recognize were strewn around the room. i think i even saw a few big speakers.

again, there was some sort of jump-cut, and i was now laying down on a leather couch, curled up exactly the way i was in real life. a man came into view then, and started walking towards me. he grabbed a chair, sat down right in front of the couch and just stared at me for a while. i was not as conscious now, but i remember telling myself to really focus on the man's face, to try and get every last detail right even with the lack of proper light. he was frowning, and he had this almost deranged look in his eyes, like he was not really himself.

in that moment, he started grabbing at my clothes, trying to get a hold of my arm. his hand would slip under my sleeve from time to time, and he would just feel me up and grab me again and again. he managed to pull me closer to him by the arm as if i were a ragdoll, and with his free hand he started palming at himself. all throughout this, i just kept staring back at him. even when he guided my hand to feel him through his trousers, i didn't think to resist. in fact, as comfortably dazed as i was, everything felt incredibly arousing. i was exactly where i wanted to be.

this portion of the dream didn't last long. i was soon lifted off the couch and carried through the house in the man's arms. he would sometimes leave me on the floor while he rummaged through the mess of cables, or drag me along while he muttered to himself. he seemed really frustrated about something, but i couldn't guess what about.

the last thing i remember before being woken up is that i was just laying there on the floor surrounded by giant cables, perfectly content with receiving the same treatment as a ragdoll. it took me a long while to fully come back to myself; i couldn't really move my limbs or speak clearly even as i was talked to.