berckplage

i’m so sad lmao!!! i don’t know what to do with myself!!!!

whyyyyyy is lifeeeeee so weirddddddd

i’m so fucking tired. im extremely depressed and i dont know what to do anymore. 

I feel like I need something else. I need to do other things. Maybe I’ll go back to school.

I came really fucking close to getting a job I wanted really badly but ended up getting beat out by one person because they previously interned at the company...I’m so frustrated and angry and disappointed right now I could scream. I’m stuck in a job that’s just okay and I’m afraid I’m never going to be truly happy and I’m never going to get to do what I truly want. I came so close, so close, and for nothing. I wish I was happy.

I feel so uncreative. Sometimes I want to start writing and building up a portfolio, but I have no idea what to write about or where to start or how to do that. And I’m not sure that’s what I truly want either. I like the idea of being a freelance writer, although one main reason for that is it would give me a way to move out of nyc without losing my creative edge. If that makes any sense. I don’t know, I’m trying to just let my stream of consciousness go without editing myself because that’s what I always do and then get stuck. I always wanted to be an editor because even though I like to write and think I’m good at it when I try, it was never something I saw as a viable option for a career. I think I’m better at reading than writing. I’m thinking about going back to school though. Maybe for an MFA in poetry. Because, for some reason, poetry seems a little bit more in my wheelhouse than say, a novel. Or maybe I’ll try writing short stories again. I don’t know. It’s like I keep waiting for myself to feel better and not depressed to start doing things, but it’s a never-ending cycle. I don’t know how to start and I also don’t know if I really, actually want to, or I just feel like I HAVE to. I don’t know!!!!!!!!!!!!!