loco

I don’t watch T.V. cause it’s just a box of lies, 

Um. Good for you?

“...Want to see them?”

He hadn’t realized how much he needed that apology until now. Before now it was always about her–– how bad he felt after she’d done that, how sorry he was that it couldn’t have been stopped, how wrong he felt for not being good enough to make her better. But now he realized none of that was within his power. He couldn’t control how she felt, and neither could she. But the apology still healed something within him. “It’s in the past,” was all he replied. For days he’d sat beside her in the hospital, waiting for her to wake up and see how much she cared. And she never once thanked him for it. Instead she told him off, breaking his heart for the second time. “Calling her twice is better than not at all. I’m glad you’re not trying to hide it all. I just hope it’s helping. Do you think it is––?”

“It hasn’t always been that way and you know that!” Slater shouted, getting frustrated. “Even before I was trying to fit in they rejected me. If they hadn’t, I wouldn’t have tried to change in the first place.” she argued, shaking her head he stepped closer, but not moving to create any more space. She looked away from him, her eyes filling with tears as she listened to him. A tiny sob escaped her when he said that she wasn’t embracing herself. But who was she? She didn’t know. It always felt like there were multiple sides of her, always tugging, scratching at the others to claw their way to the surface. Either she was so depressed that she couldn’t move, or she was invincible. Those highs only made the lows feel lower. They never stayed for long. “And you know that I love you.” she replied softly, looking up at him brokenly. She couldn’t control herself anymore and she hugged him tightly, needing to be in his arms. He was the only comfort that she’d ever known - the only light. “I know that I fuck everything up and I know that I make huge mistakes and that I’ve hurt you, and I continue to hurt you no matter how hard I try … “ she whimpered, squeezing him. “But I love you so, so much Benji. I love you.” she sobbed.

Ben ignored every time someone said being with Ophelia only hurt him. He ignored every snide comment his parents made at the dinner table at her expense although he did occasionally fight with them when they got too severe  and he pretended he didn’t hear the murmured discussions people sometimes had when he walked into the room ‘Isn’t he the one whose girlfriend tried to kill herself?’ ‘Ouch, that feel when your boyfriend’s so bad in bed you literally want to die’. But when it came down to it, moments like these made him realize how much every word that came out of her mouth sucked the breath right from his lungs and killed him slowly. He woke up with hopes that dreams of her getting better would come true and every evening those hopes were shattered. It was moments like these that made him realize she might actually be hurting him. But then the moments ended. And he was blinded by the situation again. 

“Not mine but that’s fucking hysterical. I’m kind of upset I didn’t do that to you first.”

“I do know that, trust me. But being abnormal hasn’t exactly been working out for me thus far, has it?” Slater asked, his words still dancing in her head. Being called Lia had softened her up a bit. He softened her up a bit. Sometimes it was hard for her to let him go, because she had never really wanted to in the first place. She just didn’t want to hurt him. Even so, it was easy to fall back into the same old feelings with him. “Everybody hates me, Ben. They think I’m weird, and every time I try to make a friend it doesn’t work out unless we’re fucked up and they don’t actually have any judgement. And then once they sober up they won’t speak to me because it’s embarrassing to be seen with the girl that nobody likes. They make fun of everything - my face, my voice, my height, how I act … Nothing about me is good enough for any of them … ” she trailed off, feeling the same way that she always did, like she just didn’t want to do this anymore. “How can I be better than something when I’m no good, Ben?” she finally asked. “That doesn’t really make any sense, does it?”

“Being abnormal hasn’t worked out for you because you don’t try to be abnormal. You’re always trying to fit in!” He stood up and walked closer to her, his face dropping at the sight of her getting so upset. Everytime she was like this it killed him. The thoughts inside her head were terrible, and he knew that, he knew that more than anyone else. He just wished there was a way to save her from herself. But he hadn’t found a way thus far. “You never embrace yourself. You’ve never tried to embrace yourself. You keep trying to be someone you’re not and of course they’re going to judge you for that,” his voice faded off and he ducked his head, trying not too get to emotional. He couldn’t get attached again. He just couldn’t. “...You’re good enough for me, you know. I like you just the way you are.”

“How do you accidently do that? I always do it on purpose. One time I sold a kid a bag of spices. He came back the next day all like, 'Shit bro, that got me fucked up' and I didn't have the heart to tell him he was a solid faggot.”

“Oh definitely. That’s exactly what I wanted to see.” She said sarcastically. 

“Knew it. Everyone always wants to see it.”