Still Figuring It Out

These tweets are from Dara Kass. She's an MD. Please take her advice on how to deal with this current situation. Read. Take notes. Memorize it. And protect yourselves.

"Oh? So you really enjoyed last time I did."

"Yes, I wanna feel it again. If you want to."

"What would you like me to do to you?"

"The same as last time? Please?"

"You've gotta be a little more specific than that. I'd like to know exactly what you want."

"Hmmm, like, make me mindless?"

"You love being mindless don't you?"

"Y-yeah..."

"Is that it?"

"I mean... you can make me more obedient and submissive too. And, uhm-"

"Hmm? Anything else you want? You know you can tell me sweetheart."

"If - if you want to, I wanna be a toy."

"A toy... Do you just want to be a toy or my toy?"

"Your toy!"

"Alright darling. So you want me to turn you into my mindless, obedient, submissive toy?"

He’s moving slowly inside me. One of his hands holds one of mine. His whole body presses against me, rocking back and forth slowly. His lips are on my ear.

“You won’t come again for a long, long time.”

I nod my acceptance softly as he sweeps my hair out of my eyes. He kisses my temple.

“You’re mine.”

“Yes, Sir.”

He maintains his slow pace. It’s soft and sweet. Even so, I’m excruciatingly close to orgasm. An orgasm he won’t allow me.

If you took away his words, this sex would look so vanilla. There are no cuffs or chains or clamps. He’s not pounding into me. He’s not even fucking my ass as he often does. There was a time when sex like this would make my skin crawl. The slowness and the sweetness made me restless, and I wanted it over as soon as possible. Vanilla sex was never that great at holding my attention. I needed more. I needed hair pulling and nails digging into my hips and primal fucking.

Or at least, I thought I did. What I really needed was ownership—the mental calm that comes from being controlled by someone who craves my obedience. And here, I feel his ownership in every single moment. I know that I am a girl who doesn’t get to choose. I don’t choose when he fucks me or how, or whether I will be allowed release. I don’t even think about it. I just do what he chooses for me to do and feel what he chooses for me to feel. That’s it. 

In this moment, his slowness and sweetness feel deliberate and controlled. They are part of his control over me. And I find myself needing it—needing his soft kisses and caresses and his slow rocking back and forth inside me. Every touch feels like a reminder that I am his.

He gives me a soft shhhh as I begin to whimper.

“I know, little one. I know it’s hard, but you’re so beautiful when you struggle for me. You’re such a good girl. The best girl.”

While I may not always like it in the moment, I will confess that I find orgasm denial and ruined orgasms really hot. For this reason, I read a fair amount of content about denial (yes, making myself cum to ideas of not being allowed to cum). But this is one area where fantasy and reality can clash hard. So while I recognize that every woman* responds a bit differently, I want to share a few misconceptions I’ve seen. 

Denial does not have a linear effect on desire. Denying me for longer isn’t going to make me get even hornier. In fact, sometimes it can even decrease sex drive. For me, I’ve learned I can go about a week of edging and denial before my sexual desire starts to decline. Then it tanks pretty quickly. If your goal is to deny a woman until she’s crazy with lust, make sure you check in periodically to see how she’s feeling. 

Denial can make it hard to have an orgasm when it’s time for one. There’s a lot of mental conditioning that goes into denial, especially denial during sex. I can get myself into a place where I just know I won’t cum. If I know (or suspect) that I’ll be denied, I find it nearly impossible to cum. I’ve also seen women struggle to have an orgasm without permission at the end of a D/s relationship. This conditioning can be powerful, and it can be hard to undo. So basically, if I’m being denied for an extended period of time, I am not on the edge constantly. Because my body has built a brick wall between me and the edge. 

Denied women are not wet all the time by default. This one likely differs a lot by woman. But I read all these posts about how she was denied so long that she started constantly dripping. Like a faucet. Down her leg. And listen, maybe it works this way for some women. But most women have jobs and friends and pets and kids and lives. And they are not in a state of arousal all the time, even when edging a lot. There are in-between times where their vaginas are just, like, a normal state of wetness. So don’t assume you need to increase the intensity if she’s not in a puddle all the time.

Sometimes it can make you really fucking depressed. I always tell people with mood disorders to be really careful with kink activities that mess with brain chemicals. This includes impact and other endorphin-giving activities, but it also includes long-term orgasm denial. For me, orgasms are more than just sexual. They are stress relief. They are a dopamine boost. And when your brain isn’t great at the dopamine thing, denial can be tricky. 

Every person responds differently to denial. And it also matters whether it’s denial during masturbation or sex, whether there’s edging involved, how emotionally connected you are, and where you’re at in your menstrual cycle. For me, I find that denial works best intermittently and in the relative short-term (a few days or so). But in any case, denial often doesn’t work the way it looks in erotica (as with most things). It’s often a trial-and-error process to find what triggers the right arousal and feeling of control while maintaining a person’s wellbeing.