belle folie

Fukuoka, Japan

always second but never first. always good enough to love but never good enough to be with. always the one they look at but never for too long. always the one they touch but never the one they hold on to. always the one they talk to but never with words of truth. always a good idea but without any execution. always second. never first.

And what else is there to do after someone tells you that they don’t love you any more except fall apart with the moon and put yourself back together when the sun comes up?

It’s okay to say you don’t think your husband is in this city or you don’t think your dream job is here or you don’t want to raise your kids here, and to pack up your bags and leave. You can go somewhere you have people you care about or somewhere you’ve never even been- there’s no right answer. You can be happy anywhere and you can be sad anywhere, and it has nothing to do with what state you’re in. It’s okay if your answer to “what job would you want if you can do anything in the world” is “none.” It’s okay to say you don’t know if you see yourself having kids, even if that’s something you one day were sure you wanted. It’s okay to be confused about what you want and who you are and to be afraid of staying still even if you’re happy because if you stay still too long you’re afraid you won’t ever be able to move again. And it’s okay if you once wanted things that you no longer do and and it doesn’t matter if someone else wants them for you or if other people are happy doing these things. You’re strong and you can make your own decisions. You’re free and you can change your mind. You’re you unless you decide you don’t want to be.

No matter how many times you replay the whole timeline in your head, you’re never going to be able to pinpoint the exact moment it went wrong. Rereading months of text messages isn’t going to give you any clarity, or make it any easier. You won’t get answers out of his friends, or his horoscope, or the pictures he’s liking on his phone. Sometimes you have to tell yourself it’s not something you did, or didn’t do, and there’s nothing you could have done differently, and it’s not because you were too much to handle, nor is it because you weren’t enough. And then you have to just let go, because it’s all you can do.

I really can’t afford to care the way I used to.