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 I always am making a mental list of subjects or events or thoughts that would be good to reflect on and write about, but I never can seem to recall most of them. I guess that’s part of me shoving everything in the bottle. As long as I am not racing to get to the bottom of the bottle, I hope I am dealing.

That’s the thing with anxious people- I believe it can go one of two ways: they hide and shy away, fearful of people and their problems, or, they are the happiest and kindest people, because they know what it is like to feel like shit, and scared shitless, and also- I’m sure it helps to not deal with their own personal problems.

I need to make some personal changes, I’m just not sure where to start. After 5 years of living in a lonely hole, I think I am ready to look for fulfillment. It has been so long, and I am so guarded though, I fear it is too late.

But it’s never too late to turn over a new leaf, start a new chapter.

But then again, it’s much easier said than done.

I have dug myself out of misery, but the last push is just as hard as the first. And no one can do it but me. I have be sure I am ready for everything life throws at me. Some people may call me friendly and easy-going, and oh so patient; but what they don’t know is that I don’t let it bother me. Sometimes that is a good thing, but when that comes in the form of just ignoring what happened, not processing it and shoving it away, not thinking about it and vowing not to- then it might come off as a little unhealthy. I am engulfed in my own darkness, alone, but I would never let on to that. I am kind. I am nice. I am caring. Just not to myself. We are our own worst critics, and that could not be truer. Why is it that we are so hard on ourselves, when we know others are not thinking about us as much as we think they are, are not examining us as closely as we think they are, are not speaking of us as much as we think they are. We often have a small demon inside of us, and instead of grabbing all the beauty, we often choose to grasp onto the demon. Once so small and unimportant soon becomes the focus of our lives. The longer we hold on, the bigger it grows, until it encapsulates our every thought and feeling. I hope for the day when I am able to let go of all my demons and accept the reality of the truth for who I am and who my family is. Everyone has embarrassing family, but I wouldn’t be caught dead with my own brother. I have worked to distinguish myself away from him, for multiple reasons, although some not under his control. Either way, I hope to one day see the light at the end of the tunnel which allows me to go out and not give a damn about what everyone else is thinking about him or me.

I believe that within reason, what you put out into the world comes back to you. Being outgoing and friendly is second nature to me. But on the inside, I have no real emotion. At least I like to think so. Almost six months ago I vowed to try to feel everything life has to offer, the pain and grief, real joy and happiness- and I like to believe that I am making progress along that spectrum, slowly, but surely.

Everyone has their skeletons in the closet, their own personal story with their own personal struggles. Although I think it’s important to always be kind and forgiving, no matter where you are at in life- because everyone in the world on a different road, and you may think you know someone, but do you really? Be kind, be caring, because one day, you may just save a life with it.

Side note before I start this post- I totally just read one of my posts and I Promise you all I know how to spell. I may or may not just be too lazy to spell check..probably something I should start doing.

So disclosure, this post is mainly going to be aimed toward a childhood fear, my college major, and my fears now about medicine. So if you’re into that kind of stuff, I guess I suggest scrolling along to the next blog.

They say that if you have a traumatic experience with some before the age of 10, you’re likely to develop a phobia for that when you’re older. The only thing is, I really can’t remember having a traumatic experiences with needles. Just thinking the word makes my body cringe though. It may be from the time I donated blood (remind me to never do that again) at our school blood drive and then happened to pass out at the juice table ten minutes later that gave me my fear. Or perhaps the fact that when I grow older I don’t want to give shots and IVs because I was never really given them as a child, and I know that they cause pain and that’s not something I want to do, even though I know it helps them. Although I got a biopsy done at the dermatologists office and didn’t flinch a bit when they put a needle in the back- it didn’t really hurt a bit! So why do I keep holding on to the couple negative experiences I’ve had, even though I’ve had more good experiences? Arg,I feel lightheaded anytime I think about it. Which is  a HUGE problem considering my major is Allied Health Science (basically most medical professions except pre-med). I want to be a Physician’s Assistant, and I’m not quite sure what else I would ever do. I love the idea of helping people and having a vast knowledge about the human body.

Even though my original antics and reasoning behind me becoming a PA may be considered “wrong”, they have now evolved in something more. When I was little, and by little I really mean late middle school/early high school, I was the most money-driven person I knew- probably in the whole state. So much so, that I would google the Top 20 highest paying jobs, and was convinced that one day one of those would be my job. So after evolving and researching, I came to becoming a PA. I know I want to work with kids, so I’m thinking neonatal or pediatric. I would go for OB/GYN except I really don’t want to deal with gross vaginas..but I guess anything could happen? Haha, moving along, now I couldn’t think of anything else I would do, but I’m confusing myself with what my motives are now. I would like to think it’s not money, but unfortunately that may be part of it.

I really think that subconsciously I am having panic attacks, which is causing my to get dizzy and want to pass out. I’m afraid one day I’ll be giving a presentation or interning in a hospital and I actually will pass out though! And I think that fact that I’m afraid causes me to think about it all the time which amplifies it to get worse and so on. I don’t like the idea of an IV but I feel like that’s such a small part that I can’t let that get in my way of what I want to do. I always resort to the worst case and grossest things, which isn’t even likely for what I want to go in to. It’s stupid that this is happening, out of all people, to me. It’s not even a fear of needles now as much as a fear of fainting around people. I want this, but now I fear I will not be able to accomplish it, and I’m at a bit of a standstill. I’m not quite sure what to do or what direction to go in; I guess this is what you could call being at a fork in the road, a pre-quarter-life crisis even? After all, this could effect the rest of my life… oh boy, I think I’m getting a little light headed..

Settling into my sophomore year of college. Wow. Is this real? Am I really about to turn 20!? Well, there goes the plethora of teenage excuses that I could pull out anytime. Guess it's time to find some new ones. Anyone got any good ones? Hahaha.

Anyways, it's September (stating the obvious), and I think what I found out about myself this year is that without a doubt I suck at blogging. Haha, I wish I could stick with stuff, but I guess that's just not how I roll. I originally created this to vent, bash people and shit talk when I get pissed have a creative outlet, and share my secret life with whoever would be willing to lend their ears. Even though I only have a handful of posts to look at, I suppose that is better than none. I say this with hope, but maybe I'll start writing every once in a while now. Maybe. Possibly. Slim chance. But one can remain hopeful, right?

The reason I decided to break into the ol' blog now is because I've basically spent all weekend alone, my 3 roomates being gone for Labor Day weekend. I am now moved into my first apartment! (did someone whisper old?) I live with Kelsey, Jayme, and our sassy new roommate whom we just met recently, Yasmine. Boy does she have some sass.

Anyways (once again), for some reason I'm a little nervous writing because I get oddly paranoid and anxious at night. Even though this is basically the middle of no where, one of the safest places, and surrounded by a butt ton of other townhomes,I can't help but to think something bad might happen. Like some crazy serial killer popping out of the corn and somehow coming to My home and then getting kidnapped and put into a meat grinder and found in a ditch...or something like that. You get the idea. I guess we'll just have to hope for the best.

Growing up is harsh. It's the most painful, rewarding, anxiety-filled, freeing, confusing, joyful, irking thing ever. I'm not sure if this happens to most people, or maybe it's the fact that I'm going into the medical field that is putting me on the expressway, but in some ways I feel like such a little girl, but other days like tonight, I do feel a bit older. Whether that deals with doing homework, having self-discipline, or just being responsible in the way that going out and getting drunk doesn't effect me like it used to, I can't help wonder what is happening to me. Like there is a magical bean inside of me and it's been growing this whole time, and now the shell is cracking and a...woman (ew) is coming out? Or am I just an oddly speedy ripe banana that's growing too quickly. It's not that I want to stay in and do work, but on the other hand it's good to get it done; and I'm finally starting to study stuff that I like!

Which brings me to another topic, me and medicine. Lately strange things have been happening lately and as desperately as I try to figure them out, I'm not sure this is something I can solve on my own. This is isn't something I would ever see happening, and I think that freaks me out more. And that's just the thing- originally it started as fear of needles that I figured I could work through. But sometimes I get episodes of fainting, which scares me because sometime when I drive with other people I start to feel dizzy. At some point I feel like I'm daring myself and pushing myself like, "Do it, you know you won't pass out. Try it". And lately it has grown and worrying about passing out has been consuming my whole mind. I think about it almost every day. And it frightens me for what that means for my future. I worry that it might a subconscious sign, like little panic attacks and my body responds my fainting. When I was in high school, there was a couple times in class that I randomly passed out, one time from watching a weird movie about cultures and their feet getting cracked or some weird gross shit, and during the matrix during a gross part. Now whenever a Prof shows a clip of that, I get dizzy. It's quite the situation I have going on, and I fear I have poorly explained. I might make this a whole post and start from the beginning, maybe working my way to a solution or seeing something that I hadn't seen before. Maybe you guys could offer some advice. I really can't see me doing anything else, but who wants a physician's assistant who passes out all the time! That won't get me anywhere. Hmm, time to do some soul searching.

So basically scratch that last paragraph, if anyone is even still reading. Sometimes I feel like I have so much on my mind I can't even decide what to say and what not to say! I better start organizing my shit better. Hopefully my posts will start to be a little more 'on topic' per say, from now on.

Until next time (which will hopefully be sooner than later),

I really need to make up for this. I just don't know when! I guess you could say that my time managment skills really need updating into the North American 21st century. I need to get out of the Caribbean mind set, I take things way to easily. At least I've been productive today, doing homework basically all day. Key word being basically. Still though, I got the job done.

Lately I've been feeling a shift in the air, and it's been an uneasy one. Were the girls on a horomonal roller coaster? Or was my ESP kicking in. Something's changed, and I have a feeling that this one isn't for the better.

I've been spending a lot of time with my roomate, Kelsey, and our friend Jayme lately and not so much with the others. It's strange, and they're getting sassy in a bad way. That is shit that I simply don't tolerate. They don't control me and can't make me feel inferior in any way possible. They're my friends, and those probably aren't even their intentions-but still, I get hostile for no reason. Brittany just follows AnnMarie around, and Jayme is caught in the middle. I like to hope I think I just imagine the dividing line, and there really isn't any at all. I think it may be because we want to go out on the weekends and whatnot, and they aren't as big of a fan as much. They're quick to judge and too critical- they need to just loosen up a little bit.

If you've ever lived in a dorm room I'm sure you've encountered a group of really loud, obnoxious, annoying girls who don't know when to shut up and think that everyone wants to listen to them. Yea, that's not us. But there is a group down there (referring to the lounge/lobby we have on the first floor- which might I add is quite tacky and in need of redesigning) who really needs to put in straight jackets and in solitude because they're probably the most annoying things to walk this earth. They aren't even worth the letters, so this ends here.

What I wanted to talk about in the other post was what I was thinking about on the drive back from my sisters. Just flashback to your first "love"... and now picture the pain and how it ended. Not too pleasent, ey? It's silly to think about, I know, but sometimes the vastness of my mind can't help to wander back into the depths of the past. I seriously question the motives of my brain sometimes. Unfortunately, he goes to school here with me- so I can never feel like I am far enough away. I have trouble letting go of things- as in anything that is everything (potential future hoarder?), but especially things like phone numbers. I know people say how "liberating" it is to delete and get rid of everything about them, but I just can't say the same. I guess you could say Kyle was the high school sweetheart that never happened. The timing was off, he liked me, then I like him, and back and forth. Have you ever just thought back and been like, "Damn. I should've grabbed it while I had the chance?" And I'm not just saying this because puberty did himreallywell. Well, that could be part of the reason. Either way, I just got a little down in the dumps thinking about how even though he's here, I still feel connected. And I don't want to. I thought going to college would help get rid of that- but surprise! He came here with me. Fate? I highly doubt it. Let's just end on this note- boys suck.

-B

As I was driving back from my sisters (a mainly food and booze trip), I was thinking about what to write about. Lana Del Ray is a perfect person to get help with that. I had a few idea swirling around in my head, but the time I got back to the dorm the gang plus a couple were already assembled; leaving me no choice but to join in. So, the games began. Last night was fun. After we were done playing games with the boys we were with, and the bubbly began to go to our heads, we were comtemplating our next move in our room. We couldn't possibly go to bed yet. We invited up some people we were kind of friends with, and ended up talking and sharing stories until almost 5am. And at that point, as you can imagine, I was beat.

I'll give a hearty post late, I really have some thoughts that I want to share with you all.

-B

One thing I don't understand is angry teachers. Point blank you would think that they know what they sign up for when they teach. Like if you despise the class so much, then why the hell are you teaching it? I really don't understand. Go get a different job. I'm done with teachers that talk in slow, long, hateful sentences. You can just see the scornful look on their face when you step into class with a smile on your face. I feel as if the angry teachers realllly don't like the happy kids. They just don't know what they're in for.

Today I was faced with the difficult decision of picking between two classes. (So what if school started a week ago). Between Current Economic Issues and Women and Gender Studies. Now, that should sound like a no-brainer. I have a friend who already took WGS and nonetheless said it was as wonderous, fascinating, and slightly easy class as it sounds. And who likes econ anyways? SO, why don't I just get rid of it? Because of the fact that I'm only 98% sure of my Allied Health Science major I'm currently working towards, and the 2% that wants to do something else. Such as business. But, as this contradicts my resolutions and goals for the year- I'm afraid of the unknown. Who isn't? But anyways, everytime I surpress the 2% that begs to be explored, it finds a way to slither to the top of my begging for more and more attention. As much as I want to get rid of it, it just comes back stronger everytime. I'm not quite sure what to do about it, either. THAT'S why I'm still in econ- because I guess in the far regions of the back my cranium, I guess (as hard as this to admit) theresachanceitcouldchange. There, I said it. And I won't say it agian. That is why I cannot convince myself to take the more fun, easy, interesting class. Ahh, the struggle. It's really starting to set that the information that I am learning will be used for the rest of my life. I'm really growing up, and I'm really scared. *help*

-B

Let me just start off by stating the obvious: college is NOT easy. After last-minute swithcing around my classes, and looking at the requirements for the next three years, my life is going to be a living hell. Literally. And I thought college was supposed to be the best years of your life...well I'm calling bullshit. At least for now, anyways. I forsee my days spent with my nose in the books stacked up beside me up in my bed. Not really the way I thought of spending my time.

Life can be so busy sometimes that often enough we let too much time drift past us without realization of it. Do this, do that, do it now, do it then. It just doesn't seem like there is enough time in a day to do what pleasures us. We're so focused on doing what other people want done, that we often don't see the joy that life has to offer. Working for others all day long, and then just like that- the day is over and next day begins. Everyday time should be set aside for some good ol' R&R. Even if it's ten or twenty minutes, that is enough time to take a step back and just breathe. Take a deep breath and asssess yourself; how do you feel right now? Are you happy? What could do you to make the day a little brighter? By taking those simple moments for oneself, I believe that one is able to transform the outlook on their day. Even if your day is jam-packed with meetings, classes, errands- just remember that you and your body are the most important thing. If you are not healthy and happy, chances are it will effect everyone around you. Positivity can be key to a happy life.

Untill tomorrow,

-B

Well is this a sad day or what. I swear I wrote a real post, but right about when I was going to hit the publish button, my computer died. ): so it got deleted. I apologize, but I swear...I really did write.

Don't worry, it wasn't too exciting.

Sitting in front of a blank screen can probably be one of the most intimidating and frustrating things. Where do I start? How do I start? What do I say? It is now slowly but surely setting in that I have about 356 more posts to go. Wow. Does that seem astounding or what. Today I thought I would write about the long haul of a year before us all. For some, 2014 could be the year of their lives; for others however, it could be the last gallon of rotten milk in the fridge (I know, bad metaphor). I thought today I would try to put out some positivity into the world, in hopes that rays of warm sun will shine through to brighten your day.

This year something I’ve been eager to do is a memoy jar. You basically get a mason jar and everytime something memorable happens, you write it on a post-it note, or half a post it note. At the end of the year, or whenever you’re feeling down, you can go back and look at memories, bringing back the happiest of times.

A side note: today we had our first snowday. Even better news? Tomorrow will be the second! Two snow days in a row in the first of the semester, how crazy is that? Although, I couldn’t bare even stepping outside into the winter wonderland that really is colder than the arctic with winds that nip at your face like little needles poking into your skin. Yes, it really is that bad. So thankfully, but also unfortunately, me and my friends have been couped up all day in the box we call dorm rooms. Actually, since Saturday. I absolutely can’t stand another day in here! Cabin fever and people with crazy eyes is going to start happening soon, I can feel it. Either that or a bunch of girls petty fighting with eachother.

I love my college friends, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I just need a breathe of fresh, crisp air. But right now it is a little too crisp, literally. They’re a hoot and a holler, the bee’s knees, whatever you prefer to say, but I like my me time. So why don’t I leave, you ask? Go back to my room and just lounge around and maybe write a post or two? Simply because I carry the fear of something happening and me missing out, or possibly the fact that they could talk about me- something which I always try to prevent. I know that’s something inevitable that’s bound to happen, not even in the bad way! It just happens. But I don’t like it, but it’s something I really need to get used to. It’s quite possible the fear arises from the nastiness of high school girls where their favorite topic was other people. I like to think that I wasn’t usually the topic, but I guess I’ll never know. An insecurity I have found in me- the fear of being alone. Or could it be the fear of missing out? Talked about? I think being talked about could be the biggest. Which is sort of ironic if you think about it; my deepest wish is to be known, to be an actress even (which has a 2% chance of happening), and I’m afraid to be talked about. If you all could only see my face right now.

I have to remember to stay in the light and focus on positivity and not be drawn into the dark pits of despair. Take each day as it is, don’t overthink and don’t worry. Grab life by the balls and shape it how you will. Where there is a will there is a way. Or so they say. I can’t wait to see what this year brings me- I’m working hard to keep and open mind and saying “Yes!” when a good opportunity presents itself. This is a first for me, keeping an open mind. Not being a control freak. Not being overwhelmed and focused to the needle tip on every single detail. We may not always be able to control what comes our way, but we can control how we deal with it.

Until tomorrow,

-B