PLAY ME

𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐌𝐔𝐒𝐈𝐂 𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐔𝐄, 𝐒𝐄𝐎𝐔𝐋, Seoul, SK Sometime between Christmas & New Year's eve, 2023 w. 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐊 𝐀𝐇𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐆

As the year approaches its end, Junho finds himself itching for a little relief. A year of non-stop hard work and stress had left him aching for the freedom and excitement of his life before he was a trainee. He doesn't regret signing with Lime, nor does he resent what his life is now, but there are days when all he can think about are the nights he’d spend out at concerts, meeting up with friends, or having movie nights with his roommate. He’s lucky to be able to make time for one friend a week, and lately he’d been a little biased in who he chose to spend his time with. But as the year ticked away and the end of December approached, the new year drawing ever nearer, he’d decided to let loose just a little bit—just enough to scratch that incessant itch. 

If there was anyone who could help him have an enjoyable night, it was Ahyoung. They’d bonded over their love of underground music a while back, and since Jun had been deprived of the underground music scene for almost the entirety of the year at this point, he’d turned to Ahyoung to keep him updated on new music, new names, new sounds, new venues. He wanted to know what he was missing. Tonight, however, he didn’t want to miss a single thing. He’d rummaged around in his closet that had become largely athletic-wear over the last year (at least until a recent shopping trip), and pulled out the slightly see-through black shirt he’d bought with Minju, running his fingers over the velour butterflies decorating the fabric. The reminder of her drew a smile to his lips that had remained until he reached the venue Ahyoung had told him about. He’d worried that he’d feel out of place in this ‘scene’ now, or like he was hiding a dirty secret from the other people here who would surely disapprove of his trainee status. 

The leather jacket Jun had thrown over the top of his shirt does little to keep the winter chill at bay, and he begins to feel his fingertips freezing and growing numb inside his pockets. He’d agreed to meet Ahyoung at the door, but the longer Jun waits the more he wishes they’d agreed to meet at the bar inside instead. While not eager to drink too much tonight, the guaranteed warmth of the building’s interior calls to him. But, just as he's about to text her and tell her to meet him inside, he spots the familiar figure and breaks into a smile. It had been too long since he’d seen her, and while she looked much the same, he feels as though they must have both changed a lot—he at least had. His hair needed cut, and the dark circles under his eyes were impossible to hide these days. But his smile is just as bright as the last time he saw her. 

𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐂𝐋𝐎𝐒𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐀𝐅𝐄, 𝐒𝐄𝐎𝐔𝐋, Seoul, SK October 28th, 2023 w. 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐊 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐔

There’s really nothing like the strong, bitter kick of coffee to wake Jun up in the unpleasant hours of the morning when everything seems irritating and as if it were invented to do nothing but upset him. He’d been trying out the coffee shops surrounding the company building for some months now, and it was only recently that he’d found one that, while perhaps not his favourite in terms of their coffee, was definitely his favourite when it came to baristas. Perhaps there was something other than coffee that could perk a man up in the morning, and it came in the form of a young man with a breathtaking smile, shining eyes, and a cute mop of hair that Jun found himself imagining his fingers buried in most mornings. 

Today, he enters as he does most mornings—with his hands thrust deep into the pockets of his large buffer jacket, his chin tucked into the collar to keep the chill out of the neck hole. His ears hurt from the cold, and he’s sure his cheeks are red, as though slapped by the November air. There aren’t too many customers this early in the morning, so as he waits behind the only other person in there, taking their sweet time ordering their drink, he lets himself appreciate the view of the pretty boy behind the counter taking orders and preparing them with skill. While Jun had never worked in a cafe before, he’d bought his own rather obnoxious coffee machine a couple years ago, to make himself drinks before college classes. It had been going largely unused in the past few months, thanks to his new schedule, but he could still follow along with every step of the process that the boy goes through. 

𝐀𝐗𝐈𝐒 𝐋𝐀𝐁𝐄𝐋𝐒 𝐁𝐔𝐈𝐋𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐆, Seoul, SK October 28th, 2023 w. 𝐘𝐄𝐎𝐌 𝐒𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐆

Halloween has always been a time of great excitement for Junho. Becoming someone else for a single night, whether that be a movie character, a mythical creature, or even just a walking corpse, it offered him the opportunity of momentary escape. There’s a thrill to dressing up like someone he isn’t. Even if, this year, he’d been too busy to put in as much effort as he had last year—he’d at least gone for something that made him look good. A decision he was now profusely thanking himself for as he spotted a familiar figure at the end of a corridor he was headed down. He’d know that waist-to-hip ratio anywhere—Yeom Sarang. It had been months since he’d seen him, and yet he approaches with all the confidence of someone who was part of Sarang’s innermost social circle. After all, they’d formed an intimate connection upon their first meeting. 

He can smell him moment before he reaches him—that pleasant scent of something distinctly Sarang. It’s hard to forget those little details, just like he could never forget the feeling of Sarang’s fingers in his hair, or his breath on his skin. With a cautionary glance around to check they’re alone, he steps up behind him, and, reassured that they are, in fact, the only two in this hallway, he reaches out to rest a hand on Sarang’s waist, stepping close enough to speak softly beside his ear. “What a pleasant surprise.” While a part of Junho finds a sense of excitement in stumbling across Sarang, there’s another part that perks up in hesitant hope. Despite being on Next Gen together, and having each other's numbers, they’d failed to meet up since then. He supposes, with them both becoming trainees, things had been too busy to make much time for going out of their way to socialise. The reality of being a trainee had come as something of a nasty surprise to Junho. He’d thought he knew about what being a trainee would be like, but living it was something else entirely. 

𝐎𝐂𝐓𝐎𝐁𝐄𝐑, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟑 Jun thinks over his time as a trainee so far, and looks ahead … 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓: 546 words

Autumn arrives almost overnight this year, turning the skies from blue to grey. Each morning, as Junho makes himself a slowly brewed cup of coffee, the changing colours outside his floor to ceiling living room windows greet him. He stands, sipping the pleasantly bitter beverage as he lets his mind sift through the happenings of the year so far, reconciling the differences between where he was in January, with where he is now. So much had changed, and yet the days had swept by in such a blur that it felt as if no time had passed at all since he’d been competing in Next Gen. His days now, while typically routine, and fulfilling in a way Jun had never experienced before, left him with a bone-deep exhaustion. 

𝐊𝐈𝐀𝐍​:

things feel easier much now that it’s essentially been non-verbally communicated that this hangout is, indeed, a date. the pressure is both off, and on, and though it’s confusing, kian’s choosing to remain optimistic; his sunny disposition near-impossible to break. it’s always been so hard for him to decipher what another man’s intentions are when they ask for one-on-one time. for the most part, he chooses to remain ignorant and assumes everything is merely platonic. after all, he lives in a painfully heteronormative society, so there seems to be a “default setting” that everyone besides queer people buy into. that, and well, korea is rather conservative, so it’s not “normal” to even talk about sexual minorities or the issues they face unless its politicized somehow. however, all logic flies out the window when wishful thinking gets involved, and sometimes, certain situations can take on a rosy new hue.

whenever junho brought this up to him initially, kian felt his heart pitter-patter in his chest a little harder than he was used to. without putting much critical thought into the proposition, he immediately agreed to it, but then, after he and jun went their separate ways, he couldn’t stop thinking about what type of afternoon they’d have. so, now knowing that his suspicions were correct puts a renewed skip in his step, and as he charges toward the ice cream parlor with his hand in jun’s, he ponders the question he’s asked. “hm…” he hums audibly for an honestly long period of time. kian wants to deeply consider the query, and it isn’t until they step foot into the creamery—one he loves in the neighborhood called before it melts—that he replies.

“honestly, i’m like you. it’s hard for me to choose just one favorite,” he starts, finding them a place in line; absentmindedly leaving their fingers woven together. there’s only one couple ahead of them, so the wait shouldn’t be too long. “it’s also tricky because this is a new favorite place of mine, and they have, like, fifty flavors that they make, but they only serve ten or twelve of them per day! so, you never really know what you’re gonna get when you come in! isn’t that crazy?!” his effervescence is infectious, and he tiptoes upward to peek over other patrons’ shoulders to see what today’s selection is. “oh, sweet! they have peach; that’s what i’m gonna get! i’m also seeing mint choco, coconut, passionfruit, fig cream cheese, rice, cheddar cheese, oreo, and basil tomato! do any of those sound good to you?”

turning to settle his sights on jun again, he quickly notices that their palms are still embracing and gets shy; cheeks flushing. “sh—should we still be holding hands?”

Is it normal, Jun thinks, to be so terribly interested in someone so soon into their friendship? Of course, this isn’t just a friendship anymore in his eyes, not since they’d established that this was, in fact, a date. Yet, he couldn’t think of anything beyond friends that they’d fit into being. A step too far to be mere friends, and yet not enough steps along to be dating. Whatever they are, Jun decides, he’s mad about Kian. In the back of his mind, he can’t help but worry about another man, one he’d left that morning in their shared kitchen, dressed in his pjs, looking altogether too huggable. He puts him out of his mind for now; today is about him and Kian, no one else. 

There’s something altogether far too endearing about the excitement with which Kian speaks, as if every aspect of the world is of interest to him. He’s so full of life, simply glowing from an energy that Jun hadn’t possessed since he was in the single digits, if then. It fill Jun with a certain zest for life—it’s infectious. Kian feels like running through a field and shouting at the top of your lungs as the sun shines down, the perfect temperature, your legs tickled by the grass blades that brush against them. He reminds Jun of the joy that comes with getting an ice cream from the ice cream van at the park and feeling the drip of it over your knuckles as you laugh and begin your race against the summer sun in devouring the sweet treat. Almost like a nostalgic fragment of youth personified, and Jun simply can’t get enough. 

It takes him a moment to take in that he’s being asked a question—he’d been to focused on admiring his date. With a slight shake of his head to draw him back to the present, he looks to the list of flavours, and catches his bottom lip between his teeth, pondering the decision as though it were a terribly important one. “I’m tempted by coconut, but also by passionfruit.. but then oreo also sounds good...” Jun wonders if his indecisiveness is a turn-off, and immediately reprimands himself for it in his head. He doesn’t want Kian to feel like Jun is a man who can’t make up his mind, and yet he can’t in this very moment, not when it comes to something as trivial as ice cream flavours. 

𝐎𝐋𝐋𝐈𝐄​:

Ollie was of two minds about this sort of situation. It was something he and Jun had almost made into a routine at this point, these weird drunken make-outs. On the one hand…he loved him, frankly speaking.

That was something he couldn’t deny, even if it had become very much clear to him that Jun didn’t exactly feel the same way; every time Ollie tried to open himself up, to reach out and dip his fingers in, Jun receded like the tide, and left Ollie wanting.

It stung, but loneliness stung more, and if Jun was going to wound Ollie by refusing to fall in love with him, the least he could do was kiss it better now and again.

So Ollie lets it happen.

And when the right moment arises and passes, he’s bitterly disappointed.

Tonight, though, Jun’s lips have found his, and Ollie is so drawn up in their kisses that Jun’s parting to breathe or to speak feels like an insult, and he scoffs.

“You do, too, mate. Don’t see me complaining.” he says with a smirk, one that’s a little half-hearted because he can’t help but think in these small pauses between kisses of how Jun is going to look through him tomorrow and pretend this moment never happened.

“It’s not a complaint. You’re yummy.” He says, drawing his hand from his hair to his jaw, pulling him into another kiss. So goddamn yummy. He wishes he could taste all of him; leave kisses over every single inch of his skin. It’s hard not to let his hands wander every time they end up like this, and yet every time he wants to touch so badly that it’s almost painful. As if to punctuate his words, he nips at Ollie’s lower lip, his hand sliding down from his jaw to his neck, gripping the front of it just a little, in a playful show of dominance. He wonders, sometimes, what it’d be like to make Ollie submit to him. If he even could, which he highly doubts. It’s a nice fantasy, but that’s all it’ll ever be. 

Thoughts of tomorrow creep in at the edges of the pleasant scene he’s created in his head of their night together, thoughts of how he’ll have to pretend that nothing happened, that he didn’t have his tongue in Ollie’s mouth and his hands sliding beneath his best friend’s shirt. It’s the part of all this that he hates—having to see Ollie in the morning and know he can never have more than what he does right now. That Ollie’s heart doesn’t beat for Jun the way Jun’s beats for him. He’d been in love with Ollie for so long now that he’s not even sure when he began feeling this way, and yet he knows he can’t tell Ollie. They live together, they’re best friends, it would ruin everything, and he’d lose him. The person who means the most to him. 

𝐊𝐈𝐀𝐍​:

kian’s spent way more hours avoiding work than actually doing what he’s supposed to at the shop, and whenever he’s not engrossed in writing a new song, he’s longingly gazing out of the massive windows up front; watching people live their lives. instead of organizing vinyls and cleaning shelves, he’s taking in the sight of other seoulites on their way to work, or fawning over couples entangled in one another as they share ice cream from the nearby parlor, or even witnessing people being hollered at by the convenience store owner on the corner; his booming baritone heard all throughout the block whenever kids try to pocket pokémon breads without paying, or whenever skateboarders loiter near the front entrance. though, once in awhile, a particularly handsome someone can be seen kick-pushing his way through mapo, and if kian’s lucky on any given day, he gets an opportunity to see him. every single time that man glides by the kim family’s modest musical “emporium,” kian’s sights are locked onto him; admiring the warmth of his sun-drenched skin, absentmindedly drooling over his bare arms that often break free from his sleeveless shirts, and wishing he could cradle the sharpness of the stranger’s jawline with his fingertips—wondering if they’ll get cut as a result of his featherlight touch upon a razor’s edge.

he’s dreamt up many romantic fantasies involving him and the man in question, and one day, he finally got his chance to talk to him. sure, it wasn’t the best circumstances as he was dressing jun’s wounds after he took a tumble outside, but their conversation flowed smoothly, and after that, they started to chat more often. he’s slightly embarrassed by it, but back then, every time they talked, kian felt as though he was trapped in some sort of web comic or television drama, and he still feels that way even now. their bond blossomed into a sweet friendship, one that he genuinely wasn’t expecting, and the more he got to know junho, the more interested in him he became. not only is he attractive physically, but his energy is also heavily appealing, too; to kian, at least. there’s a potent intensity that beats from his heart, and his soul feels like a fiery blaze of summertime heat. he feels safe; warm even.

kian’s so happy to be blanketed in that feeling as they walk side-by-side; a musical skip in his step to combat that nerves that electrify his limbs. it’s really hot out, and he knows that this late afternoon pick-me-up is going to hit the spot, especially since he’ll be mirroring the couples he occasionally envies by indulging in frozen treats with another person. though, he tries not to get too ahead of himself. he has no idea if this hangout is meant to be anything serious or not, and he’s chosen not to obsess over the details. he wants to enjoy his time, not spend all of it lost in his mind deciphering hidden meanings to everything jun says. that being said, however, it seems like he hasn’t let jun get many words in during their walk; his nerves not only affecting his physical energy, but also causing him to chatter about the fun facts he learned earlier in the day, or giving into the urge to go off on tangents about how much money some people spend at the shop at times; the price tags on rare collectibles being crazy.

before he’s able to steamroll the conversation entirely though, jun interrupts him, and his words cause kian to stop in his tracks; his heartbeat beginning to pound harder than before. a blush of vibrant crimson paints over his cheeks, and its felt so deeply that the hue travels up to the tips of his ears, as well. a giddy smile tugs at the corners of his mouth, and all he wants to do is smash his face into jun’s chest and wrap his arms around him in a bear hug, but he hesitates; standing still in the middle of the sidewalk instead, holding back giggles from pouring out of his mouth like an effervescent waterfall. “w—wow, thanks!” he finally replies, taking a step closer to jun. was it rude of him to accept the compliment so easily? should he have been more modest? kian doesn’t know, and just when he’s about to offer jun a compliment in return, his actions are halted once more, but this time by his hand being grabbed.

if it’s even possible, his blush becomes even more noticeable than before, and out of sudden anxiousness, he’s tempted to pull his hand away in case anyone sees them, but decides to allow his palm to be overtaken. honestly speaking, the feeling of jun’s larger grip on his is a little too good to pass up. peeking around his shoulders to make sure no one’s staring, kian tiptoes up and pecks a kiss onto jun’s cheek—hoping the boldness is welcomed with open arms. though, not wanting to waste much more time or let the moment become awkward, he decides to resume the journey to their destination; tugging junho in the direction of the parlor. “c’mon, i don’t wanna miss out on getting my favorite flavor! they always run out of it early!” he chirps, then leads the way; their fingers still woven together tightly as he proceeds forward.

God, he’s so smitten. It’s a little ridiculous, really. That this boy he’d not known that long had somehow wriggled right into his veins, like a drug he’d grown instantly addicted to. He’d taken to skating past the music store even when he didn’t have to; when it made his journey longer than it really needed to be, just in case he got a glimpse of the cute boy. He’d never had the courage to go in, though, not even to browse and ask stupid questions. Not until he’d been so distracted by staring at him that he’d tripped and eaten asphalt. Kian, like an angel, had descended upon him, first aid kit in hand, ready to patch him up. For a second, head spinning a little, he’d really thought he was hallucinating, his brain conjuring up a delightful image to help soften the blow to his body, and ego. Luckily, it had led him here—standing on a street with Kian’s hand clasped tightly in his own, his thumb rubbing circles into Kian’s skin. 

For a moment, he worries that taking Kian’s hand had ruined things. He can sense a tension in him for a moment, as though he’s unsure of how to respond. But then, like a warm tide, he washes Jun’s worries away with a kiss to his cheek. The bubbling sensation in his stomach, the little somersaults and flutters he feels intensify and he bites back a great smile. “Okay.” He responds, almost in a daze. A mere kiss to his cheek and he can almost feel his knees tremble. He lets Kian lead the way, his eyes locked on him once again, a smile stuck to his lips. He’d been a bit stressed recently; with his new trainee status, adjusting to the changes in his life and trying to figure out how he’d tell his parents he’d dropped out of college to become a trainee. But with Kian he feels those worries melt away, replaced only by a warm like that of the summer sun. Jun likes him a ridiculous amount already.

𝐉𝐔𝐍 & 𝐎𝐋𝐋𝐈𝐄'𝐒 𝐀𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓, Seoul, SK July, 2023 w. 𝐊𝐖𝐎𝐍 𝐎𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐄𝐑

The soft locks of Ollie’s hair falling over Jun’s fingers as he buries them into the depths at the back of his head raise goosebumps along his forearms. Liquor in his veins, fire under his skin, and lips locked with his best friends; how did he end up here? The night had begun like any other ‘boys night’—pizza, beer, and a movie. Somewhere amongst all that, they’d cracked open a bottle of vodka Jun had found in the back of the freezer and mixed it with the Sprite they’d got with their pizza. Things had grown a little fuzzy post-hard-liquor. Not that Jun had any complaints. It’s not like this hadn’t happened before, even if he adamantly attempted to pretend as much during their day-to-day life. How else is he meant to act around Ollie if not ignoring it? Best friends don’t make out... and yet here they are, doing just that. 

The thing is, Jun had wanted to kiss Ollie for as long as he could remember, but facing that fact was a lot harder than acting on it after a few drinks. Ollie never brought it up either, though, so Jun assumed his silence was the best for them both. Even if he wanted more than just to be ‘friend who kiss’. Yet, recent happenings with another cute boy had led him to a world of headache-inducing confusion. What, and who, did he really want? And could he even have either of them? Such thoughts are better thought when his minds a little clearer, though. So, for now, he focuses all his mental energy on kissing his best friend.

The first time they’d done this, they’d been about thirteen, and hanging around a park near Ollie’s family home after the sun had gone down. They’d somehow gotten ahold of a couple cans of cider, and while they barely got buzzed, it was enough to lead to lips-locking. Funny how any time the two of them drank together, they ended up kissing. No wonder drinking with Ollie was one of his favourite things to do together. His lips were so soft. The years between when they were thirteen and now, with it’s lack of Ollie-kisses, had led to Jun forgetting just how soft they were. Now, though, he hopes he’ll never forget, or even better, never have to stop kissing him. But that, he supposes, isn’t really possible. Not when, to Ollie, Jun is nothing more than his best friend. 

𝐍𝐎𝐄𝐋​:

         noel still isn’t sure about the idol route, but that’s just because everything is happening so fast. his last year of university coming around, he has a sure plan, something’s he worked on for a long time. but it’d be a lie if he said he didn’t want to continue dancing, continue staying in the company. it was just nerve-wrecking to think about, if he kept focusing on dancing, if he made it his plan a, then when would he lose his plan b? noel loved animals, knew he would love being a veterinarian, but his heart kept telling him he loved dance more.

it was a bit scary, how quickly things were moving, he hadn’t eyed the idol path for long, and now he was afraid of giving everything up for the path, even if perhaps that was what his heart wanted. noel and jun were quite different, next gen being jun’s last chance, and being noel’s first. “that’s a long time knowing what you want, i’m glad you got signed this time around, and very happy you got signed together with me, now we can struggle and learn together” he sends a smile. he hums “well, i grew an interest in dance a few months prior to next gen, i found out i really like dance, but it was kind of hard fitting it into my schedule, i originally hoped to join next gen just to improve my dance, but i’m still glad about the contract offer”. “we’ll be an iconic duo i’m sure!”.

“now jun, since you’ve been dancing longer, are you more flexible than me?” he asks as he once again groans trying to reach his toes.

God, Noel must have something that Jun didn’t to have been signed after only gaining an interest in dance not even a year ago. For Jun this had been a lifelong journey. He’d been working towards this for so long he couldn’t even remember genuinely wanting to do anything else. Working for NASA had seemed a great dream to strive for as an alternative, but it had never come close to the butterflies of excitement that the idea of being an idol always instilled in him. “Damn... You must be a natural dude.” He says, putting aside his slight annoyance at the fact Noel had gotten so lucky—or was perhaps just better, shone brighter, than Jun. Some people had a natural allure, and Jun had long since accepted that that likely wasn’t him. 

“You’re gonna be a main dancer one day, I’m sure of it.” Even if Noel’s work ethic had bothered Jun at the beginning of Next Gen, he’d seen the potential in his skills, the way his body moved so naturally. He seemed made to dance, even if it was clear he still had a lot to learn. He’d put the work in to get better, and shown he was serious after Jun’s little outburst, and Jun couldn’t have been prouder. “And I’m gonna be... something.” There’s a lack of conviction in Jun’s tone—he’d never thought what role he’d fill in a group. He’d always practised everything, so that he never had a weakness for companies to pick apart and use as an excuse not to sign him. Clearly that hadn’t worked too well in his favour. 

𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐂𝐋𝐎𝐒𝐄𝐃 𝐋𝐎𝐂𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍, Seoul, SK Early June, 2023 w. 𝐊𝐈𝐌 𝐊𝐈𝐀𝐍

Jun’s palms are sweating. It’s ridiculous, really. There’s no reason for him to be nervous... Well, besides the fact that he’s on a (possible) date with a boy he’s found himself very quickly falling head over heels for. He wants it to go well, and yet he’s not even sure if Kian is aware that Jun had been asking him out as more than friends. He’d not exactly gone about it the way he’d originally planned. He’d had it all figured out, knew what he wanted to say, and then... Blank. His mind became an echoing chamber of nothing but fluff and tingles when he looked at the boy with the pretty smile and dimples that made his heart beat like crazy. He’d ended up going for a rather awkward invitation to get ice cream with him. He’d stumbled over his words, his ears going a ferocious red as he refused to meet Kian’s eyes, but at least he’d gotten some sort of invitation out. 

At least, he thinks, he’s here now, with Kian, smiling fondly at him as they walk side by side towards the ice cream parlour. Jun wants to reach out and touch his hair—it’s so fluffy. But, he holds himself back, not wanting to push too hard just yet. How is he meant to figure out if Kian is here with the belief that they’re just friends hanging out, or more? He can’t ask him, that would ruin it, but he can’t push the boundaries and take his hand if Kian thinks it isn’t a date. His mind twists itself into infuriating knots as they walk, footsteps slower than they need to be, as if savouring every second together. He listens to Kian talk, because he loves to hear his thoughts, and feelings, and interests, loves the way he animatedly describes things, or gets really into what he’s talking about. He seems so full of life. So bright and energetic in a way Jun hadn’t felt in years—not until he’d met Kian. Something about the younger boy was invigorating. Jun felt so much more alive when he was with him, and not just because he made his heart do somersaults. 

“You’re cute.” Jun can’t help but interrupt him, though he instantly feels bad for it as he realises he cut the younger off mid sentence. The words had simply tumbled out of him unchecked, and he feels a warm flush creep across his cheeks. If this is a date, he thinks, he wonders if things go well, would Kian let Jun kiss him at the end of it? You’re getting ahead of yourself, he mentally reprimands himself. Just enjoy the moment, idiot. Easier said than done, really. 

𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐕𝐈𝐄​:

< a starter w. @bejun >

things are rapidly changing. after his elimination, it felt like a lot of his friends were out of touch. in a sense, they were! busy with next gen all the way up to the finals. now? it’s done and over with– freedom! one would say. except that now there’s contract signings and it’s harder than ever to make schedules line up to see a good handful of his friends.

stevie finally gets to make plans with junho though. asks him to meet up after he’s done with his day. and he’s pretty excited– anything to get out of his house and avoid the influx of campus work now that he’s back to prioritizing university, along with emails from his therapist that he’s been putting off. he’ll gladly take the distraction.

the bag of goodies bump against his leg as he skates towards the park, going a an easy speed. it feels nice– the wind against his face, the board under his shoes. feels right. stevie’s careful though– not willing to suffer from another round of injuries due to not paying attention. he can finally bend his arm all the way without wincing. 

he hops off the board when he makes it to the park, tucking it under his arm as he makes his way through. he catches sight of junho near the jungle gym, and focuses his attention there. when he’s close enough for the older to catch sight of him, stevie grins, lifts a hand up in a wave. “hey,” he greets easily. he lifts the hand holding a bag of snacks, wiggling it slightly. “i come bearing tasty gifts.”

Things had been hectic recently. Life as Jun knew it had been turned upside down in every perceivable way and it had led to many a sleepless night. He’d gone from university student living with his best friend, to Lime Ent. trainee living with a man he had terribly confusing feelings about. Not to mention he was struggling to believe he deserved his trainee status. Things were, to put it simply, a little overwhelming. He’d never had trouble sleeping before, but he’d found himself more often than not lying awake staring at the lights of passing cars moving across his ceiling, wondering how long he’d been trying for, instead of trying to switch his brain off. It hadn’t done his energy levels for training any favours, that was for sure. 

Perhaps, he thinks, a night away from it all would do him good. Stevie had that normal life that Jun had begun to wistfully reminisce about. It wasn’t that he regretted becoming a trainee and dropping out of university, or moving into strange, more-than-friendly territory with his roommate, but he did find himself, when things got just a little too overwhelming, missing those simpler days when he ached for what he now had. He’d not thought about what it would actually be like, at least not in the depth he thinks he now should’ve. How was he to know, though, that it would be the way it is? Not bad, but certainly not easy or entirely fun. He’s stressed a lot of the time, terrified of falling behind, ranking low in the monthly evaluations, and then he comes home and the tension suffocates him just a little more each day. 

So, when he finds himself stood in a park, waiting to meet Stevie, he lets all his worries melt away for a while—or at least tries to. The park’s deserted apart from him, and he wonders if he looks odd, standing there in a kids play park, doing nothing but scour his surroundings with his eyes. Relief washes over him just as he’s beginning to feel too self-conscious, when his eyes fall on Stevie, skating towards him. Jun breaks into a smile, and as soon as Stevie’s close enough he replies, “You wouldn’t happen to have a stiff drink in there, would you?” He’s only half joking—he could do with some alcohol to take the edge off. Though as he thinks it, he realises it’s a bad habit to get himself into. He can’t turn to alcohol every time things get hard. 

𝐔𝐍𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐂𝐈𝐅𝐈𝐄𝐃 𝐆𝐘𝐌, Seoul, SK May, 2023 w. 𝐋𝐄𝐄 𝐍𝐀𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐆

Jun had never thought of himself as insecure. He was merely a realist. He was under no impression that he was extraordinarily handsome or talented, but he didn’t think he was ugly, or talentless. What he had, in terms of skills, he’d worked hard for, rather than them coming naturally. His looks... well, he’s just got to deal with what he’s got, and being on the more muscular side makes up for any failings in other aspects of his appearance. He’d definitely looked worse in his lifetime, so he wasn’t about to complain now. So, in the grand scheme of things, no, Jun wasn’t insecure... And yet—

The beginnings of trainee life had been interspersed with terrified moments of unsureness. He’d heard it referred to once as ‘imposter syndrome’. This feeling of being in a place he wasn’t meant to be in, that somehow those around him had made a mistake in letting him become a trainee and it was only a matter of time before they realised, and his dream would be snatched out of his hands for good. He’d first felt in when he’d ranked first during during Next Gen—he’d thought there’d been some mistake. But, the show had continued as if all was right and nothing had gone amiss with the rankings, and so Jun had had to accept that he’d done well, something that had grown difficult to swallow over the past few years, in which rejection after rejection was handed to him. 

This feeling, of not belonging, or being good enough, plagues his mind now, as he curls the dumbbells towards him, staring at his reflection in the mirror. “So...” He begins, glancing over to Nayoung, who’d become, in recent weeks, a regular workout partner of his. They’d meet up to spend a couple hours working off the stresses of stepping into a new daily routine. Jun wonder if, for Nayoung, it brings back good, or bad memories. He’s aware of her past as a trainee, but he’d never asked about it. He’d let himself wonder, but something held him back from really engaging with what he knew must’ve been a series of the worst disappointments someone could go through. It must’ve been far worse than what he felt after all those rejections from company auditions. “How are you finding training? What’s SR Media like?”