better late than never for an image description! below the cut
Slide 1: A title page. In large letters, it reads "Why Every Team In The Playoffs Deserves To Win The Stanley Cup AKA I Am Coping With My Violent Hatred By Trying To Be At Peace With Any And All Outcomes"
Slide 2: Title reads: CAROLINA HURRICANES. There are various photos of Seth Jarvis making ridiculous faces, one of him being dragged around by a Rangers player, and one of him wearing a shirt with a picture of himself holding a bag of money on it. There is also a photo of Andrei Svechnikov pulling his jersey up and twisting around to look at his exposed him. There is a series of questions marks with an arrow pointing to him. There is a photo of Brent Burns, and above him there is a sign that says ALERT and then another sign that says BEAR SPOTTED!.
Text 1: Seth Jarvis is the funniest man on earth and he needs to be put in Situations at all times. The content we would receive from a Canes win could feed hockeyblr for years
Text 2: Eric Tulsky became a GM by shitposting* about hockey after getting a PhD in chemistry and working in nanotech. If Eric Tulsky’s Canes win a Cup, maybe I too can shitpost my way into a GM position **huge simplification of what actually happened, shut up
There’s an 85% chance Pyotr Kochetkov will fight someone or skate out to score a goal if they make it to the finals, and I personally would like to see it
Slide 3: Title reads: COLORADO AVALANCHE. There is a close-up photo of Mackenzie Blackwood wearing his Avs goalie mask. He is looking to the side and his eyes are very big and sad. There is a photo of Gabriel Landeskog in swim trunks with a body of water and a green hill behind him. There is a photo of Erik Johnson kissing Landeskog on the cheek as Landeskog closes his eyes and scrunches his face. There is a photo of Erik Johnson and Nathan MacKinnon in full gear, laying on the ice in missionary position and hugging each other tightly. EJ is on top.
Text 1: The eyes of a man who survived 1.5 seasons of shrockey. Please, won’t someone give this lobster a Cup
Text 2: It would be kiiind of iconic if Gabe the Babe won a Cup, took 3 years off, then immediately won another Cup. Finally: a win for rich beautiful blondes
Text 3: Look, EJ is not going to be in the league forever. Philly was kind enough to send him home for his twilight years. What say we give him one last chance to do full missionary position on the ice with his boyfriend(s) before we take him out back and shoot him send him to a nice horse ranch upstate? Once more for old times’ sake?
Slide 4: Title reads: DALLAS STARS. There is a photo of Mason Marchment, cropped so that you can only see his extremely intense blue eyes. There are several photos of different Stars players being injured or limping off the ice after being injured.
Text 1: Personally I think a team winning the Stanley Cup in defiance of the hockey gods would be kind of cool! Oh, you’ve struck our best players down repeatedly and we keep trucking? Pucks are attracted to our team’s face bones at a rate that can only be explained by a curse? Cool cool we’re just gonna win anyway
Text 2: Mason Marchment’s eyes scare me and I think maybe if we give him the Cup he will choose not to use his witchy powers for evil
Text 3: The Stars defenseman of the future is an elderly man stuck in the body of a handsome 23 year old. I adore Thomas Harley and I hope he never changes and in fact becomes even more elderly in spirit. I desperately want to see what his day with the Cup looks like. I’d bet $50 he owns and uses handkerchiefs
Text 4: I mean. It would make sense NARRATIVELY. If Mikko Rantanen… you know. Got kicked the curb by Colorado and then immediately won a Cup. HONOR THE NARRATIVE STARS
Slide 5: Title reads: EDMONTON OILERS. There is a photo of Stuart Skinner in all his goalie gear, being transported on the back of some sort of indoor transportation vehicle. Like something you'd use to move lots of luggage. There is a photo of Jeff Skinner in an Oilers helmet, smiling with dimples and crow's feet on full display. There is a photo of Connor McDavid looking vaguely haunted, with the word "bug" and an arrow pointing to him. There is a photo of Stuart Skinner in a backwards baseball cap, smiling very big, with the word "rabbit" and an arrow pointing to him.
Text 1: Stu Skinner is a Giant Flemish Rabbit that someone turned into human. He’s reading LOTR but it’s not making him better at stopping pucks! He’s trying to make friends with Igor Shesterkin through stick taps! Right now he’s Toad but honestly he could be anybody!
Text 2: Jeff Skinner has played for 15 years and over 1000 games and I just think it would be neat if he won it in his very first playoffs appearance? I dunno! Could be fun! Just think about it!
Text 3: If you hate Connor McDavid (not sure how anyone could hate a shy little bug but I’ve heard it’s true) you’ll probably hear a lot less about him once he wins so. Maybe just embrace it in the name of your future peace?
Text 4: You may think ending the season missing 4 of your top 6 forwards and your top 3 d-men means you’re doomed and it’s time to give up. Great point but NO. This means they are on the Hero’s Journey and in fact are destined to raise the Cup thanks for attending my TED talk
Slide 6: Title reads: FLORIDA PANTHERS. There are 3 photos of Brad Marchand. In one he looks contemplative and angelic. In one he looks in the zone. In the third he's smiling very big and looking off to the side.
Text: Look: as we all know, Brad Marchand is a Bruin. But hypothetically. If the front office of the beloved team he’d given 18 years of his life to. Decided to trade their talented captain for a frankly insulting conditional second round pick. Because he asked for more money after being underpaid for his entire career. It would FUCKING RULE if he immediately won a Cup. And then got to kill Cam Neely in hand-to-hand combat. I think that would be great. Thank god this is all hypothetical and Marchy is actually still a Bruin and is in fact making out with Patrice Bergeron in a Dunkin Donuts as we speak
Slide 7: Title reads: LOS ANGELES KINGS. There is a photo of Drew Doughty. Above him is a sign that says ALERT and a sign that says BEAR SPOTTED!. There is a photo of Quinton Byfield scoring a goal on Joey D'accord holding one stick in each hand. There are several photos of the Kings' in their locker room after a win. In each photo, they are draped all over each other in various states of undress.
Text 1: Wouldn’t it be nice to see tightly organized and defensively responsible hockey win? Wouldn’t it be nice to have proof that you can break a time loop, if you commit hard enough to the systems? Wouldn’t it be nice to see someone control their own destiny? I think so!!
Quinton Byfield has the goal of the year two years in a row and I feel like if he got the chance to get to the Finals, he would do something so sick that everyone watching would actually literally factually throw up with excitement
The post-locker room pictures from a Kings Stanley Cup win would destroy hockeyblr. But we’d go out doing what we love – losing our minds over by boys in love
Slide 8: Title reads: MINNESOTA WILD. There is a photo of Marc-Andre Fleury grinning shyly with his hands on his cheeks. There is a photo of Fleury in his goalie gear, sitting on the ice with his legs out in front of him like a grumpy toddler. There is a photo of Fleury with his torso on top of his net and his legs dangling as he reaches out to catch the puck behind the net. There is a photo of Fleury and Jake Middleton-- Fleury is in swim trunks, Middleton is wearing a fully unbuttoned short sleeve shirt, and Fleury is snuggled up behind Middleton and reaching around to grab his boob. Middleton is holding an orange drink in one hand. There is a photo of Zach Bogosian with a sign that says ALERT and a sign that says BEAR SPOTTED! above him.
Text 1: It’s Marc-Andre Fleury’s LAST SEASON and you’re gonna deny him the Cup? You’re gonna say no to this little guy? You’re gonna tell the sweetest most-loved man in all of hockey that he can’t have it??
Maybe we can get Middsy to say top titty on national television
(If you are a Connor McDavid hater it might be hilarious if a 97 But Not That 97 won the Cup)
I honestly don’t even think the Wild thought they were going to make the playoffs this year. They lost their best goalscorer for 28 games and decided that actually the power of love was all they needed. Rooting for the underdog is good for the soul! Why not give it a try this time around? And maybe Jake Middleton can finally land Noah Kahan
Slide 9: Title reads: MONTREAL CANADIENS. There is a photo of Cole Caufield celebrating with his tongue out. There is a photo of Nick Suzuki on the bench, looking up at Martin St. Louis. There is a photo of Arber Xhekaj spanking Kaiden Guhle with his stick and the words "Not sure what's going on here but I'm into it" on top of the photo. There is a photo of David Savard with the words ALERT and BEAR SPOTTED! above him.
Text 1: The more goals Cole Caufield scores, the more we get to see him stick his tongue out like [I am dragged off stage and re-emerge 5 minutes as if nothing happened, my eyes just a little too wide and my smile just a little too fixed] but enough about all that!
Text 2: Nick Suzuki said “please don’t trade my friends” and management said “win some fucking games then” and Nick said “fine I will” and then racked up one million points. Give that man a fucking Cup I say!
They were 31st in the standings at the start of December and they still made it to the playoffs!! It’s basically illegal not to cheer for the young scrappy underdogs full of grit and moxie. Enough moxie should get you a Cup!
Slide 10: Title reads: NEW JERSEY DEVILS. There is a photo of Dougie Hamilton topless, looking down and to the left and smiling. It is captioned "This has nothing to do with the Dougie video I just found it and got distracted". There is a close-up of the illustration of the Jersey Devil on Jacob Markstrom's goalie mask. There are photos of Tomas Tatar, Simon Nemec, and Brett Pesce's heads, all overlapping each other with the words "school of fish" and an arrow pointing to them.
Text 1: We might get another video from professional comic and actor Dougie Hamilton if the Devils win the Cup!
Text 2: If the Devils win someone is definitely going to ask Steve Valiquette about “Instagram Hockey” and I for one would like to see it
Text 3: Oldest goalie tandem in the history of the NHL who also share the same name (don’t look this up). Incredible that they can still hold their sticks, much less save their injured team every game. Give them one last good memory before they wither into dust and get swept up by the ice shovellers during TV timeouts
Text 4: They have a line made entirely of fishes! Pesce, Tuna and Nemo. Maybe someone can fill Lord Stanley with water and seaweed and little rocks and a tiny castle and let them swim around in it after they win
Slide 11: Title reads: OTTAWA SENATORS. There are two photos of Claude Giroux, one in a Flyers jersey and one shirtless with a Senators towel over his shoulders. There are 3 photos of Linus Ullmark and Jeremy Swayman looking at each other like people deeply in love. There is a photo of a shirtless Linus Ullmark with a towel over his shoulders.
Text 1: “I’m 21 and I’m telling myself ‘Oh, don’t worry about it. You’re gonna have a lot more chances to do it.’ And then you don’t. You don’t get a sniff; not even close.” GIVE CLAUDE GIROUX A CUP
Honestly if they’re gonna take Linus Ullmark away from the love of his life the least they could do is win him a Cup
Sorry I was going to write more but then I started looking up pictures of Linus Ullmark so I’m done for the day or maybe year
Slide 12: Title reads: ST. LOUIS BLUES. There is a photo of Alexey Toropchenko kissing Nathan Walker on the helmet and holding the back of Walker's head with a gloved hand. There is a photo of Toropchenko carrying Walker (Walker is facing him and his legs are around Toropchenko's waist) and running down a hallway. There is a photo of Colton Parayko and Oskar Sundqvist doing a high five with their right hands and right feet. There is a photo of Jordan Binnington and Marc-Andre Fleury trying to fight and being separated by refs.
Text 1: Buch Sessions: Stanley Cup Edition would be so good. Imagine the secrets they’d spill
Text 2: They love kissing the homies and I love when the homies love kissing (and abducting) the homies!
Text 3: There is a player named Jimmy Snuggerud (Snug-er-ood) on the Blues and the more games they get to play, the more I get to hear his name said. This is a win For Me.
Text 4: Jordan Binnington tried to fulfill Marc-Andre Fleury’s dreams (goalie fight) once and was denied by cruel refs who hate love and whimsy. Maybe in the lawless Wild West of the Playoffs, we (and Flower) can finally see the promised land
Text 5: Okay not to let my bias* show here but. Do you remember at 4 Nations when Miller was like yeah I’m gonna be a big boy and start a fight too and then 6'6" Colton Parayko emerged from a sea of Canadians and kicked his ass? Yeah. Give him a Cup just for that honestly *Sorry JT Miller fans
If Stan Bowman lets beloved babies Holloway and Broberg go and they immediately win the Cup, maybe he will get fired 🙂 out of a cannon 🙂 into the sun 🙂 🙂
Slide 13: Title reads: TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING. There is a photo of Nikita Kucherov looking unimpressed. There is a photo of Andrei Vasilevskiy wearing a baseball cap and holding a long-haired cat with a blue bow around its neck. There is a photo of Victor Hedman with the word ALERT and BEAR SPOTTED! above him.
Text 1: People are so disrespectful of Nikita Kucherov and I think he should get another Cup to make up for literal decades of bullshit. Stunt on these hoes Nikita!!
Text 2: Brandon Hagel is hilarious and I would like to see what perfectly pointed insults he comes up with. The further they go, the more chances we’ll get to see Hagel destroy a man with a casual shrug.
Text 3: Their starting goalie is nicknamed The Big Cat so unfortunately he needs to get everything he wants and I need to pet and kiss his sweet little forehead
Text 4: We might get another “drunk Kucherov chugging a Bud Light and saying romantic things about Andrei Vasilevskiy” interview!! Can you imagine!!!
Slide 14: Title reads: TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS. There is a shoulders-up photo of shirtless William Nylander doing media. There is a full-body shirtless photo of Nylander taping his stick. There are 3 photos of Anthony Stolarz and Joseph Woll together.
Text 1: If I can be serious for a moment: I actually think the Leafs are in actual, real-life danger. I fear for their lives should they lose another round of playoffs. It seems like a significant contingent of their fanbase absolutely hates them and I could see another playoffs loss turning into a maidens-ripping-Orpheus-to-pieces situation with a quickness. The Leafs winning the Cup may be a life-or-death matter.
Text 2: The more media they have to do, the more shirtless Willy pics we get. Put two and two together. You want these boys to go far.
Text 3: (Maybe if Mitch Marner wins a Cup the media will stop being weird and mean about him?)
Text 4: Also like. Look at their goalie tandem. Come on. Get those lovers a Cup!!
Slide 15: Title reads: VEGAS GOLDEN KNIGHTS. There are two photos of Tomas Hertl smiling so big his face creases up and his eyes disappear. There is a photo of Ivan Barbashev in the Barbie movie promo graphic with the word BARBIE over top of him. There is a photo of Keegan Kolesar making a big surprised/excited face.
Text 1: If the Knights win, we get to see smiley Tomas Hertl aka the most beautiful sight in the world
Text 2: Newest Barbie merch: grown-ass man with a huge beard holding a Stanley Cup and a hockey stick. A whole new generation of children is indoctrinated into hockey fandom. Do you see the vision
Text 3: What if they do individual goal songs and Hertl goes back to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and then scores the GWG of the series. WHAT THEN
Text 4: Keegan Kolesar is such a good interview and maybe if they win the Cup he’ll get more of a spotlight? He knows the word wherewithal! He would be a mailman if he wasn’t a hockey player! He brought his mom on the dads trips! Get this man on my dashboard STAT
Text 5: Look, I like the jerseys. I’m sorry. I love a glittery tacky outfit and you know actually what I’m NOT sorry
Slide 16: Title reads: WASHINGTON CAPITALS. There is a photo of Logan Thompson sitting down with Brandon Duhaime standing behind with his hands on Thompson's shoulders. They are both in full gear but no helmets, looking sideways at the camera and smiling slightly. There is a photo of Alexander Ovechkin on his stomach on the ice, while Dylan Strome leaps into the air next to him. There is a photo of the whole team hugging on the ice. There is a photo of 4 Capitals players in the penalty box together. There is a screenshot of two too many men penalties, with the time stamps 2:12 and 3:50.
Text 1: I know everyone thinks their team has the highest vibes but the undisputed winner of this is the Caps. They bark at each other before, during, and after games. They call each other babe and not in a jokey, facetious way, that’s just what they call each other. They keep getting too many men penalties because they hate being apart from each other. The vibes THE VIBESSSSS
Text 2: Sorry but Ovi winning a Cup the year he beat Wayne Gretzky’s record would go SO hard. Maybe he would even retire and stop terrorizing goalies?
Text 3: It’s a team of guys the Caps organization found on the ground, picked up and said “hey who threw this out, it’s still perfectly good”, called it a roster, and somehow it WORKED. The Cup and a kiss on the head and a permanent home for everyone.
Slide 17: Title reads: WINNIPEG JETS. There is a photo of Dylan Samberg mid laugh, with the words "you have 50,000 bud!" on top of it. There is a photo of Eric Comrie in his gear and a baseball cap, looking intensely into the distance. There is a photo of Adam Lowry and Brandon Tanev kissing.
Text 1: There is a spell on the Jets that prevents people from remembering they exist or taking them seriously, and it would be sooooo funny if they won the whole thing and all the hockey reporters had to be like huh. Wait. Who are they? Why did we not write a single thing about them all season? WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?? Meanwhile all of Vegas (not that Vegas) is trying to figure out why the best team in the league wasn’t even in the top 5 betting favorites going into the playoffs. Whooooooops
Text 2: I would like to see Dylan Samberg’s phone explode with the weight of unread messages if they win. The man has 100 unread texts and 50k unread emails in ONE of his accounts. I must know how bad it can get
Text 3: Have you seen any of Eric Comrie’s videos? Go watch them and then tell me you don’t want this young man to win everything forever
Text 4: There is a non-zero chance we will get to see Adam Lowry kissing Brandon Tanev again. Perhaps what was awoken years ago will finally come to fruition...
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