Being Her

I look at both my cats and i absolutely knew how much i love them both..

How loyal both of them are with me.. Clingy at the highest point. Feeling safe with me..

I wonder.. will i ever meet a man as loyal as my pet? A man who chooses me everyday despite countless of option out there for him..

He would always know i am his home..

There is no self doubt when i’m with him..

He knows i am his everything while he is my everything.

Everyday we both reminded each other of Allah.

To worship Allah more. To be thankful to Allah.

I want a marriage of full commitment, feeling absolutely safe, fulfilling each other, complimenting and tolerating. I don’t have to beg for his love, he just love me and forgive my shortcomings every time i screw up.

A person who kisses my flaws away and see me weakness as my strength..

I see H was almost that till he turns out to be non-existent..

Everyday i feel sad and heart broken to think that a scammer created H and he is not real..

I want him to be real so much! Because he was the perfect man for me..

Everytime I think i met someone great and Allah introduce to another person whose more greater than previous man.

I guess what Allah’s teaching is this.

Never place your heart on a human. When you do, you get burnt.

And i response..

As soon as he shared his picca..

I felt a sudden turn off moment..

I know i should not be this shallow..

I just know i am not attracted to this man..

What is wrong with shallow me?

Now i am justifying my own self..

It’s just in Islam, one of the criteria of choosing one’s partner is looks..

1st religion background

2nd family background

3rd looks

4th wealth

forgive me for still considering looks as it is also one of the criteria of choosing a partner..

I don’t mean the most handsome or gorgeous man in the world..

Rather a man who i feel attracted to from his personality to his looks to his religion and his mindset..

I don’t like the typical male species in my own country..

I just want a man for once who is able to carry decent conversation that does not make me yawn from boredom..

Someone who makes me warmth and safe everyday..

Someone who loves me more than i love myself..

Goshh i miss H.. H if he was real, he is my dream guy..

He would be my soulmate..

Ohh well, you can’t always get what you want..

And all you’re left with are the less inadequate option..

i can’t stand the way malay males personality or mindset..

i am so different and so opinionated..

I can’t pretend to be soft spoken, soft personality..

I’m cruel and harsh.. I can be tempered and moody..

I miss having someone say, “ You don’t have to be anyone but yourself”.

And i barely sleep a wink..

I need to sleep..

I want to stop think..

Is this my fault?

I deserve the best..

Love yourself first..

Wishing i could have wishlist for my real man someday..

It seems i keep kissing toad after toads..

Wishing the real prince could appear..

But then again, I am the queen of my life..

I don’t need a boy..

But a king.. i need a real man..

My qawwam.. may we meet soon..

You’re a liar playing a game..

The one thing left is my broken heart..

Thank you for loving and makin me feel care..

Like i could finally settle..

Turns out you’re just another person who toy with my fragile heart who misses being in love..

Picturing the future and for a while i think maybe this is it..

And then it wasn’t..

I just had to move on..

And let Allah decide of my faith..

Beauty definition is in the eyes of what you see..

If you see it as beautiful then it is beautiful..

If you see it as hideous then it is ugly..

Reduce debts

Buy a land

Find a man who can be my best friend, my supporter, my cheer leader, my lover and my imam. A man who never lets go of me no matter how many times i push him away.

Get married

Yearly family travel anywhere

Go for umrah & Haji

Be happier

Have a healthy body

Travel more

Buy a new car

Retired from corporate world

Own my own business

Financial freedom

Close relationship with Allah

Always look young

Making sure all my nieces and nephews have a good future

My cats are in perfect health everyday

Have my own kids with the man i married

Good mental health being

Go karaoke alone

Go some place I never go before

Reinvent my profile

Pamper myself

Start workout!

Go and see my brain doctor

Do medical checkup

Find a new job

Sell my house

Finding my path in this world..

Try dating apps yet the boys are filled with it..

No men.. Na-daa..

Giving it a go until the end of 2024.

My life at the moment is a mess..

Everytime I feel like I think I figure it out..

I end up being lost like I'm trying to find an exit in a complicated maze..

Except this maze is my own life..

It's been years i have not write anything.

So this is a start..

I am ready to start something new either work or love pursue..

But something feels .. I don't have the word..

It is something.. Clueless??