if i was an angel

         the look on her face, combined with the delicious way she always says his name is worth all the effort he’s put into this. cherishing her expression doesn’t last long though, because in a second her arms are around his shoulders and suddenly it’s like he’s no longer freezing. charlotte’s embrace is instant warmth, spreading across his whole body, and he hugs her back tighter than he ever has before. “what’re you talking about,” wes laughs, kissing the top of her head. “you and your dad look awesome. kinda wishing i’d given a heads up to secure myself a set too.” he doesn’t want her to let go, but they have the opportunity to be close all night now, and as she tugs him into the home wes is tempted to let his eyes wander and soak up charlotte’s childhood, but for now all he can do is stare at the beautiful woman he’s been reunited with. she looks so excited, and he wonders if she was wearing that look of joy before he’d shown up – it is chrstmas after all, but he’s selfishly going to take all of the credit.

as charlotte asks her mother if he can stay for dinner, he finally takes a moment to glance around a home that feels ten times more lived in than his own. that smidge of jealousy he once felt when meeting charlotte’s parents for the first time is starting to creep back in, but how can he be jealous when he’s about to be included in their christmas? he follows her into the kitchen, reaching for her waist to pull her in closer now that the eyes of her parents are no longer on them. “no, no, no. don’t get me anything.” wes insists, not wanting her to go anywhere. he’s unable to stop smiling and she turns around in his grasp, wes sighs, so incredibly thankful that he’s managed to pull this off so far and he hasn’t even been here five minutes yet. “i pulled some strings. i couldn’t wait the full six months, and i knew you weren’t filming right now so…” there’s a look in her eyes that wes hasn’t seen before: happy tears are brimming, and they’re incredibly contagious. he’s grateful that she’s asking for a kiss, because if she keeps looking at him like that for another second he’s pretty sure there are going to be waterworks for the both of them. 

how on earth could wes have ever thought he could survive the entire six months without the feeling of her lips pressed against his? he grips her face in his hands, his fingertips still chilled from the outside heating up almost immediately against her warm rosy cheeks. wes doesn’t need the fireplace, or one of her father’s sweaters – all he needs is her heart to warm his, and his body temperature is right back to normal and steadily rising. wes does not want this kiss to end, but at the same time, he doesn’t really want to run the risk of one of charlotte’s parents walking in on them, so when the moment feels right, he slowly pulls back, that big smile still spread across his mouth. “i’m so happy i’m here right now, you have no idea.” not just because he’s back in charlotte’s presence again. the alternative is christmas alone in his bedroom. there’s no familial party to attend, as wes doesn’t know any of his extended family. it’s always just been wes and his mother, and until charlotte entered the picture, that’s all he thought it would ever be. “don’t think i’ve ever really done christmas the right way… at least, not like this.” he drops a hand from her cheek to tug on the collar of her pajama set, and it slowly travels further down to take her hand in his. he stares at it for a second, still smiling as he admires the festive nail polish she’s adorning. “so, um…”

         “i don’t know if you’ve told your parents anything…” he doesn’t think so, but he definitely wont be upset if she has. “but they should know. if you want them to know.” wes thinks if he explains the importance of keeping this on the down low, perhaps they’ll be understanding and maybe even welcoming of him into the family. family… he’s already imagining it like they’re a real couple – like there’s a serious future awaiting the two of them. he hopes so, at least. “plus, i mean… i just kinda showed up here. i’m sure they’re in the other room assuming things as we speak.” 

his free hand throws a thumb over his shoulder and he makes an effort to look her in the eyes again, wanting her to know that he means it. that he’s not trying to hide them from everyone anymore, that he’s making that effort he promised he would in the steps towards the two of them actually having a future together. “i know autumn’s still in the picture, and that’s probably going to make things confusing… but i want them to know how much i care about you.” he squeezes her hand, nodding his head seriously. “do you think they’ll uh… like me?”

     it feels almost impossible not to cry, lottie's pretty sure she's embarrassingly teetering over the edge in the most embarrassing fashion as she looks back at him. it can't really be helped, not after all the time apart, not after the last time they saw each other. she doesn't want to be cliche and exclaim that it's a christmas miracle, but if the shoe fits... the sight of wes on her favourite holiday is the best gift she's ever received.

     he couldn't wait to see her. he pulled strings. this is the wes that makes her stomach somersault and her heart thump wildly in her ribcage, declarations of love fighting against the logical part of her brain to be let out. thankfully, his hands are on her cheeks and pulling her in, effectively shutting off the chance. she can pour it into her kiss, her arms wrapping tightly around his neck as she brushes her nose against his, tilting her head to deepen it a little bit. when they pull back, she's still too eager, pressing a quick peck to his cheek before he speaks as bright, excited eyes trace his expression, as if she's making sure he's real. charlotte grins at his words, head tipping to one side. "mm, i think i might have an idea." she laughs and there's some freedom to it, the loneliness she'd been contemplating on melting away. it still doesn't quite feel real, having wes there in her childhood home. it's not quite like having him in the townhouse, though those moments were just as special. this place is more real, more home than anywhere else she's kissed wes. it feels like it's sealing something, a stamp of authenticity on their romance which has been so up and down. lottie eases back a little bit, jokingly posing in her dorky christmas pyjamas as he admires them. "what? embarrassingly festive?" she jokes, but considering all the things he's told her, she's a little sadder at the idea that wes hasn't at least had some sort of lavish, warm christmas his entire life. it seems cold is more what he's used to.

    he's inspecting her nails one second, where she's tried to draw little bows like she saw on a tiktok nail art video with slightly less success. it doesn't matter anyway, since she'll clean them off before she goes back to film. lottie's pretty sure that no matter how far her career takes her, she'll remain forever invested in giving in to whatever embarrassingly earnest traditions her family has instilled in her. that includes going overboard for the holidays in the most wholesome ways possible. "mm?" she prompts him quietly, her fingers curving over his so that she can gently rub the back of his larger hand with her thumb again. she caresses gently, her breathing stilling for a second as he mentions her parents. she doesn't respond at first, because if wes is about to ask her to not tell her parents anything when he's just showed up unannounced at her house for christmas, he might be asking too much this time. what he does say instead surprises her and it shows in the way her brows lift for a moment and she blinks, lips parting as she looks away. the smile on her lips is telling, even if she's trying to play coy right now. "yeah, i mean, i haven't told them everything, but they're definitely not stupid. i think they have an idea. i'd love to be able to tell them, at least the simple version, that there's... something between us."

     using the word simple when talking about their relationship is kind of laughable, but charlotte isn't interested in overcomplicating the conversation. she meets hie eyes with a confidence she feels like she hasn't had in a while. the mention of autumn prompts an eyeroll, though she knows it's a necessary thing to mention. "i think they'll understand it. and they know how to keep their mouths shut, it won't be some like, sharing gossip at the nail salon thing. they aren't like that. not that you seem worried." it's a point for him, that's why she points it out. lottie squeezes his hand back and then beams at him, one of her biggest smiles yet. to hear him so vulnerable, the intimidating, talented wes nichols timidly asking if her parents will like him. it's kind of funny. early days of little boxes charlotte would be very, very confused. "i think they'll love you." her free hand lifts, cupping his cheek so she can offer him a peck. "who wouldn't?" she teases.

     "i better set this place for you at the table, though. we're eating soon, then we watch cheesy christmas movies... and then we do one gift at midnight." immediately lottie recalled something, trying to keep her face entirely neutral as she slips from his grasp. immediately she's heading over to the cupboard to get him one of their fancy christmas plates, cutlery and a glass to make his spot at the table. there's a spare gold placemat since they always come in sets of four anyway, so she's thankful for that as she sets them down on the table. it doesn't take long, though she decides to hover back towards wes. "i'll check the food!" she drags him back to the kitchen, practically making him follow her around like a lost puppy. at this point, being apart for more than a minute feels like torture. "do you want some of this wine? it kind of sucks, but we might need the help finishing it?" she asks, indicating to the bottle before she goes to lean down in front of the oven, noticing that the roasted chicken and vegetables look perfect and ready to come out. "five minutes, i think! we'll set up!"

season one break: day 86… christmas eve – aka, the christmas special location: charlotte’s childhood home time: 7:20pm for: @thursdaygrl​

          the probability of this not completely blowing up in wes’ face is not in his favor. there are so many different aspects of this that could go wrong – whether it be his mother finding out his true intentions, or charlotte not being happy to see him, or something like a cruel act of god shooting a bolt of lightning at his private jet, it’s highly unlikely that he will make it out of this weekend getaway without something going horribly wrong. how, exactly did wes manage to get himself on a solo flight to charlotte’s hometown to party crash christmas at her parents? it’s partially due to the perks of having a jewish pilot fly his private jet, and the other part is all wes and his masterful scheming. if he thought he was good getting that photoshoot set up, now that he’s forty thousand feet in the air he thinks he just might be a connoisseur. 

however it was not easy tricking his mother into thinking that wes has an audition in the midwest on christmas day, but his determination to see charlotte made it all worth it. he spent most of the day researching casting calls that would be filming in denever, and with luck on his side he’d managed to stumble across one having open call auditions just thirty minutes outside of charlotte’s hometown. he made a few fake emails, pretending to be the director inviting him to attend, and shot them off to his mother who he knew was going to be preoccupied the entirety of the following day and would not be able to join him on this trip. “i’ve set up an audition for you tomorrow.” she’d said, not even looking up from her phone as she sent back an email confirming wes would be in attendance. “you’ll be taking the jet tonight and will be back home tomorrow by the end of the night. you have an appearance on kimmel on the 26th so we need to squeeze this in as quickly as possible.” 

one night is all he needs. just one night with charlotte in between this six month break will at least sooth the voices in his head that beg him to get closer to charlotte every single day. 

immediately as wes steps off the plane he realizes he didn’t even think to check the weather. this christmas in california happens to be a particularly warm one, and while wes is wearing a cushy green sweater… that’s it, and the only thing he’s brought with him on this spontaneous adventure is charlotte’s christmas gift. no overnight bag with extra clothes, or even a jacket in case he gets chilly. it’s not snowing right now, but it seems like the sky could open up any second, and as wes scurries across the tarmac to the car he’d ordered he’s starting to wish he’d maybe prepared a little bit more. 

it’s a lot warmer in the sleek town car that’s escorting him to charlotte’s childhood home. another showcase of wes’ excellent scheming skills is in his procuring of this address. he was only able to get it a few hours ago, once he’d decided that he had to go through with this crazy plan, through jack. a simple, hey, merry christmas! text along with the lie that he wanted to have christmas cookies last minute delivered to charlotte’s house was enough to get jack to send it on over immediately. 

but wes has not ordered christmas cookies. he’s brought himself instead. and now that his driver has dropped him off, he’s standing outside of charlotte’s childhood home, shivering his ass off. he waits a beat – nervous for a second like maybe he wants to turn around and throw this crazy plan out the window but he’s come so far, done so much scheming that he can’t turn back now. taking in a deep breath, wes lifts his hand and musters up the confidence that he only ever feels while acting and finally knocks on the door. there’s voices on the other side, chattering about who could be at the door unexpectedly on christmas eve, and while wes hopes that it will be charlotte who is the one to greet him, instead it’s the head of charlotte’s father, poking out and smiling before he opens up the door a little bit further. the man is dressed in brightly colored christmas pajamas, green and red plaid from the cap on his head to the slippers on his feet. he recognizes wes, not just from the show he and charlotte star in together, but from their one brief interaction a few days before his daughters birthday. he doesn’t loudly announce wes’ presence at the door, which wes is grateful for, but instead he smiles, and nods. 

          “lottie, honey, i think it’s for you.” mr. washington calls over his shoulder, “looks like you’ve got a present from old saint nichols.” the joke doesn’t exactly land, but it still makes him laugh, albeit anxious laughter. charlotte’s father disappears, leaving the door cracked open, but he doesn’t exactly invite wes inside. that’s charlotte’s job, if she wants him here, that is. she approaches, looking angelic as ever dressed in the same plaid pajamas as her father, and his heart skips a beat. he can’t believe he’s seeing her right now. it’s been almost three months, and he still feels the same: hopelessly, hopelessly in love with her. “hey, uhhh…” he starts, shifting his weight between his feet as he looks down at the snowy pavement. he’s shivering his ass off, unprepared for the cold weather. “i know this is probably really weird… but any chance you have room for one more at dinner?”

     the very idea of not being home for christmas after the year she’s had makes charlotte want to cry. she can’t imagine spending her holidays without the smell of her mother’s snickerdoodles and her father’s jokes that are always a hair too stupid to be funny... and yet somehow funny regardless. she likes los angeles, but there's a loneliness she’s encountered there, one that sits in such stark contrast to the homey, warmth of her childhood home. she’s grown up lucky and she knows it, which is why she’s relieved to be on break from filming her movie. she’s spent her first couple of days at home playing her old keyboard and looking through her old songwriting books and though her parents refuse to throw any of her old things out on their own, she does the work for them in getting rid of old school books and sorting through her bookshelf and wardrobe to make a box labelled donations. a trip home has swiftly become days filled with intent to rejuvenate herself... and maybe pause on being so miserable every time she thinks about how much she misses wes.

     christmas eve has been spent baking and cooking and wrapping presents for the extended family that they’ll see for a late lunch the next day. now that she’s twenty-one, she and her mother have been sharing an expensive bottle of red wine that they don’t like all that much and joking about how next time they’ll just buy the boxed stuff. she feels more adult than she ever has, with her money and her job and her show that her dad keeps putting on when she’s not looking, just to see how long he can get away with it. she plans to text wes before bed, maybe see if they can have a call because she misses the sound of his voice, but she’s trying so hard to not think of him.

     of course, that backfires on her, because it means she’s wholly unprepared when she hears someone at the door. and when her father calls her over and makes a weird pun she doesn’t quite register.

     the sight of wes nichols on the front porch of her childhood home, poorly dressed for the weather is just about the last thing she expects on christmas eve. “wes.” she says his name softly, coating it in surprise as she blinks and smiles uncertainly. it doesn’t make sense, how he’s made his way here, but she chooses not to question it, instead flinging her arms around him despite the shock still rippling through her. “oh my god!” she exclaims finally, as she buries her face in his neck. “i wish i wasn’t wearing these stupid pyjamas!” she giggles, shutting her eyes for a moment before she forces herself to pull back. “you’re freezing, come on. we have a fire i can sit you down in front of.” she ushers him in, standing back and taking the door in her hand so she can shut it behind him. it’s only then she notices her parents joined in the hip, looking at them both in amusement.

    “can wes stay for dinner?” and maybe forever? she’s tempted to never let him leave and go all kathy bates in misery right about now. “of course, honey. long as you set another place at the table.” her mother eyes her carefully, indicating she plans to chat to her about this later. for now, all charlotte cares about is the fact that wes is here, standing in the open plan living room and dining area of her parents’ house. nodding, they pretend to be interested in whatever christmas movie is playing on the television while lottie leads wes towards the kitchen. “are you still cold? i could get you a sweater or something? you probably wouldn’t fit into any of mine, but you could borrow one of my dad’s, i guess... i...” she loses her breath as she turns to look at him, finding that her cheeks have warmed and she almost feels awkward. she doesn’t know what to do with herself, her confidence needing time to build back up. charlotte hasn’t seen him since their last night together, since he kissed her fucking breathless and things finally seemed to smooth out for them.

            maybe wes shouldn’t have asked her this question, because the startled expression she briefly sports has wes concerned that he may have overstepped. but he couldn’t not ask, not when he would’ve spent the rest of the night overthinking what she’d said the moment she would’ve stepped out the front door. but charlotte begins to explain, and wes listens thoughtfully, nodding along as she describes what her high school experience with sex was like. wes can’t relate, considering all of his schooling was done on sets in between takes, taught by very highly paid prestigious tutors his mother had hired to make sure that his education would still be top notch whilst he was becoming a rising star in television. the only high school that wes can say he’s experienced would be the moments that have been written for him over the past decade. charlotte continues, but she’s not just talking about high school anymore – she brings up her ex, and even though wes knows that this man is very much in her past, something within him begins to burn hot with jealousy. 

the urge to cyberstalk the fuck out of this ex-boyfriend that supposedly still lives in los angeles is running ramped through wes’ mind. this is probably something that he shouldn’t do, but the moment that charlotte leaves he knows he’s going to be tapping and scrolling until he’s learned every last detail about this man so that if he sees him in the street he can treat him like the scum of the earth. wes wants to start talking shit, but he bites his tongue. there’s so many negative things he wants to say: make fun of the fact that he’s pursuing social media as a career, that he can’t properly please a woman, that he would ever consider leaving charlotte, the most incredible woman on this planet. but wes keeps his pessimistic thoughts to himself, knowing that saying any of them ( except for maybe the last one ) isn’t productive to their conversation. 

she’s extra fidgety, and since she wont meet his gaze, his eyes are stuck on the way she’s playing with the fabric of his sweater and once the action has gone on for just a little bit too long, wes reaches to take her hand and stop her, rubbing his thumb in slow, soft circles on the palm of her hand in an attempt to calm her down. he shakes his head when she says it was a dumb question, because while yeah, he hasn’t actually heard locker room talk, there is a television equivalent and he’s certain that dressing room talk has to be just as bad. once she finally locks eyes with him after what feels like ages of avoiding his gaze, it feels like his heart is fluttering in his chest. “i’m glad that we can trust each other.” wes starts, but he notices the way charlotte has now begun looking at his lips, and his train of thought is screeching to a halt on its tracks. “and i uh,” he  smiles. “i’m excited to see… what we learn about each other…” he would go on, but charlotte is kissing him again and all he can focus on is how perfect the rhythm between them is. how together, they are the most passionate song ever written. when she pulls back too quickly, wes frowns, and the expression only grows more sad as she mentions that she’s going to have to leave soon.

          “i don’t want you to.” he whines, holding on tighter. “i wish you could stay over. and in the morning i’d take you to the airport, and we’d have one of those cheesy airport goodbye scenes – the kind that i’d usually hate to film, but i wouldn’t hate this because i’m not going to see you again for six fucking months and it hurts so bad to think about.” he nuzzles his head into her neck, breathing in her pheromones and wes doesn’t know if he’s going to be able to survive half a year without getting to hold her like this again, kiss her like he did, simply just smell her again. six months of uncertainty leading up to another six months of waiting. it’s a terrifying thought, but wes is a whole lot more hopeful this time around. sure, autumn will still be a roadblock when they reunite again in the spring, but all of the cards are on the table now. they’ve said everything they can up to i love you to make it clear how serious a relationship between them means. “but i know you have to go.” wes whispers, defeated. “and i know you couldn’t stay here.” 

pulling back out from the safe space that is the crook of charlotte’s neck, he lifts his hand to cradle her cheek in his palm. “but you don’t have to leave right now, do you?” he asks, a softness to his voice that almost sounds as if he’s about to start begging her to stay again. he controls himself though, smiling and letting his eyes wander to her lips, leaning in to kiss her but stopping just before their lips meet. “don’t you wanna stay and make out with me for a little while longer?” he asks, licking his lips. “make up for lost time, or tide each other over for the next six.” he gives her a peck on the lips, “fucking.” another peck. “months.” one more, but this time he lingers for a while, kissing her sweetly but seductively, encouraging her to stay for maybe a little longer than she’d intended. 

    whatever romantic experiences that charlotte has had prior to wes, they truly do pale in comparison. merely his ability to read her alone, his hand taking hers to try and ease the thrum of anxiety in her, a gentle motion soothing and easing the thoughts racing in her mind, about whether her experiences taint her somehow. she’s sure he’s not expecting some blushing virgin, but if she’s completely honest, she doesn’t think she has a true handle on what good sex is supposed to be like. she has an inkling, an idea made up of stories from friends and smutty books or fanfiction consumed in youth, but depictions of intimacy don’t quite match up to the real thing, at least not as far as she can tell. she can see them in words, hear their moments in songs, but the feelings aren’t quite so easy to put into words. lottie might spend a long, long time trying, though... and she’s just fine with that. kissing him still makes her feel dizzy and she wonders if that’ll ever fade, that heady excitement she feels every time their lips connect.

    as wes’ arms tighten around her, she smiles wistfully, leaning in to kiss his cheek sweetly, though she hasn’t quite wrapped her head around the fact that they’ve reached this place together again only for her to have to leave for so damn long. “i don’t like thinking about it either.” she complains, sighing as her eyes flutter shut, trying to commit the feeling of him so damn close to her to memory. if she ends up snuggling a pillow thinking of him for the entire production of the movie, then so be it. she hates that he confirms that she needs to go, hands tightening on his shirt and it’s her turn to hold on tighter to him. she’d stay forever in this house if it meant getting some more time with him, as excited as she is about shooting a movie. her career is taking off and she knows she can’t sacrifice it for anything, not even him. not that she thinks he’d ever want her to. besides, the issues of autumn and his mother haven’t yet disappeared. they’ll pop back up again, once this blissful, affectionate moment has to come to an end. “you’ll text me a lot though, right? as much as you can? and maybe i can call every now and then... and facetime, ‘cause that long without your voice or your face seems unfair.”

    her head tilts, leaning heavily into his palm with a tender gaze and she completely melts as he once again tries to convince her that she can’t leave him just yet. her own ability to resist is fragile and getting more weak with every second, but she tries to clench her jaw. “wes...” she trails off, but then his lips have found hers once more and she can’t say or do anything but let her eyes flutter shut, kissing him back once he lingers a little longer than a moment. her fingers brush his cheek, reaching for the side of his neck as she kisses him back. it’s slow but eager, her head tilting as she deepens it once more, but she manages to stop herself, her nose bumping into his as she smiles. “why do i feel like we’re gonna go in circles of you doing that over and over again, honey?” she murmurs, lips brushing over his as she tempts herself, or maybe him. the pet name slips out, feeling comfortable but thrilling once it’s said.

    “kinda don’t mind, though...” swallowing, lottie sits up a little taller, using both of her hands to push his hair back off his face, getting a good look at him while her cheeks flush and she feels the squeeze of her heart. he tortures her with the look in his eye over and over again. from the moment things started up between them, he’s been doing it. she’s so unbelievably weak for it that she’s kissing him again before she even knows it.

          all fears are washed away as soon as wes hears the tone of charlotte’s voice. her gentle touch, brushing hairs away from his sweaty forehead is just another way to ease all of his nerves. sometimes wes thinks that she can read her mind, considering the way every time he feels overwhelmed she seems to calm him almost instantly with the smallest of gestures. she does things he’s never even told her will make him feel safe – things that even he himself didn’t know could put out the fires inside his head. it could be the action, the kindness and consideration put into every touch to unravel him from his spiral, or it could just be charlotte. either way, there is no one out there that seems to know wes’ needs the way that she does. “yeah i…” he starts, but he notices the way charlotte breaks their gaze and begins to focus on something else.

there’s a shockwave of electricity sending rapid fire shivers down wes’ spine as soon as she takes his chin between her fingers and stares him down. his lips part slightly, and he holds her gaze, absolutely mesmerized by what he’s seeing before him. she gets it – she gets him. there’s no judgement, nor does she even question his desires and she’s already attempting to get into the role that he’s described and wes cannot believe that he’s so lucky. “uh-huh.” he stutters, not daring to break eye contact with her to emphasize how serious he really is. “i trust you. completely.” in every aspect. there’s never once been a situation in which charlotte has broken his trust ( unless wes counts the time she was photographed kissing jordan’s cheek, but now that they’ve reached this point, he’s pretty sure even that was a misunderstanding ), and now that he’s revealed his most shameful wants to her, it feels like the faith he has in her will only continue to grow. his thoughts are distracted by her kiss, sweet and inviting just the way he likes it. he doesn’t feel so scared anymore – like if she were to ask him more questions he wouldn’t be a blubbering rambling idiot, he might actually be able to get into the details, even though wes doesn’t even know exactly what the details are. 

but when charlotte pulls back, she’s prepared to tell him her own desires and wes is attentively ready to listen. almost immediately, wes finds his lips curling into a wide smile, his eyes twinkling with delight at the thought of charlotte also fantasizing about him going down on her – and that she thinks he’ll be good at it. he laughs, leaning in to kiss the corner of her mouth before she continues. charlotte going down on him has definitely been something he’s thought about, not nearly as much as he’s thought about doing the same for her, but when he has imagined it, it’s exactly as she’s described. slow, teasing… his cock twitches a little in his sweatpants and he kind of hopes that she hasn’t noticed even though he doesn’t think she’d be upset with him. his brows do pull together in a curious thought for a moment at the mention of charlotte not wanting to be rushed, and he wonders if someone has ever made her feel this way before. he can’t fathom the idea of anyone ever trying to pressure someone as wonderful and loving as charlotte into doing something that she doesn’t want to do, and while he wants to ask her if this is just a one-off comment or if it’s something she’s experienced, he decides to put a pin in it while charlotte continues discussing what she’d like.

i haven’t had a lot of enjoyable sex both answers his question and causes him to have a whole new set of them at the same time, but when it comes down to it, wes is not very different. there’s never been a real connection, not like this at least. there’s never been full blown love, although it may be unsaid, or even the slightest semblance of safety with anyone else he’s been with. patiently and quietly, wes waits his turn to speak, soaking up every last idea that charlotte’s giving him in the hopes that maybe after this season break, when the two come together again he can actually put them into action. he nods occasionally, and squeezes her gently from time to time as if to encourage her to go on, but soon it’s his turn to say something, and wes exhales and content sigh. you mean way too much to me will live on repeat in his mind until he sees her again. “i don’t wanna fuck this up either.” he agrees, cupping her face in his hands. “making sure that you’re comfortable, and happy and… satisfied is the most important thing for me.” wes expresses, stroking her cheek with his thumb. “everything you’ve said sounds perfect to me. so let’s take it slow, and keep talking about things and… find out what works for both of us.” the sudden mention of missionary causes wes to laugh a little, biting his lip to stop himself from smiling so hard. “i mean, any excuse to look in your eyes. and i do love the idea of you wrapping your legs around me.” 

         “but um, can i… ask you something?” wes whispers, a little nervous again now that he’s about to take down that pin from a few moments before. “have you been…. rushed in the past?” he dares to ask, his voice wavering a little bit at the prospect of pushing her to talk about something that she may not want to. “i only ask because you mentioned having your…” he frowns, not liking the way she’d put it. “your head shoved down. did someone try to.. pressure you? because i never, ever want to make you feel like you have to do something you don’t want to.” he promises, projecting devotion through his eyes. “like, you could tell me you would only ever wanna kiss me and i’d still be grateful just to be close to you.” 

    it’s somewhat of a relief to know they’re on the same page, especially since this development between them is so fresh. it doesn’t feel like they’re repeating the past, not like other times they’ve kissed and crashed headfirst into all the rules they’ve set between the two of them. charlotte believes that this is an inevitable path the two of them are finally on once again, in that hopeless romantic brain of hers. despite everything that stands in their way, including a girl who proclaims herself his girlfriend in front of cameras, they’ve finally reached something real. admittedly, she kind of wishes she’d known this was going to happen today, maybe she would have used more of her time alone with him instead of getting stuck on still toeing that line. she can’t take back how they’ve gotten here, though. she wouldn’t. “that’s all i want.” she agrees, finding comfort in how gentle he’s being with not only his affection but with her heart.

    they’re both fragile and raw after everything between them, with pasts edging their way to the surface as they continue to grow close once again. lottie is a little more relaxed, now that they’ve broached a subject that’s new territory for them and boundaries have been set, even if they’re the kind they can very easily rub up against. with months stretching out after this where it’s highly likely they won’t see each other, it’s also probably for the best they don’t get so carried away. distance makes the heart grow fonder, sure, but it also makes communication more fraught when the situation is as delicate as theirs. all of that is on her mind and not the words she’s let slip, assuming the general knowledge that plenty of girls have less than stellar experiences with sex. most people, really, especially when dealing with domineering men. she’s spoken about these kinds of things nonchalantly to jack and emilia, thrown in vaguely her own stories and it’s not like they haven’t been kind to her about it. she’s just never thought of her sex stories as being particularly atypical. that’s probably why she’s not expecting wes’ words, nodding as he requests to ask her something. “of course.” the question he tentatively provides surprises her and she blinks for a second, her mind going blank. “um...”

    does charlotte particularly want to have this conversation now? not really, but she supposes she brought it up, walking about her less than stellar sexual past and what she presumes to be normal straight man behaviour when it comes to getting into bed. she’s hesitant to answer, her first instinct being to brush it off casually, but something stops her. he’s being so delicate with her once again, assuring her that he’d never make her feel like that. “i know, wes. you really haven’t... you let me initiate and you always make me feel safe, it’s not...” her brows furrow. “i don’t want it to sound like something it’s not. everything i’ve ever done was consensual, like, i wanna make that really clear, it’s just, i don’t know. i feel like that happens to everyone, or at least it was happening to plenty of girls i knew at the time and i’m talking like... high school. sex was supposed to be this thing you were coaxed into doing. i didn’t know how to get comfortable enough to enjoy it, then. maybe that’s part of why i like the idea of going slow, of learning each other.” she wants something that feels equal, that values not just his desires but hers as well and from the second they began to discuss what they wanted it’s been clear to her that wes finds that just as important. she’s still a little unsure of what to say, tucking her hair behind her ear as she gives him a soft smile and then focuses her gaze on smoothing out his shirt against his collarbone with her fingers. “my ex-boyfriend from back then still lives out here in la.” she adds, thinking about the time she accidentally scrolled on her for you page on tiktok and was accosted with his naked torso as he mimed to an audio of some damon salvatore line. she’d blocked him immediately. “we moved here together, actually. we both wanted to pursue our dreams, him with social media, me with acting. we broke up pretty quickly. well, he broke up with me.” she regrets that it wasn’t the other way around, but unfortunately it took him leaving her for lottie to see their relationship for what it was.

    charlotte still isn’t looking him in the eye. “anyway, i think he just liked it like that... just, rough, aggressive. lots of guys do, you’ve never heard locker room talk?” her fingers continue to fiddle with his shirt, until she thinks she’s going to wear a hole into it by sheer force of will. “that was a dumb question. sorry. just, yeah, i mean, my answer to your initial question i guess is yes. i appreciate that i’m not worried about that with you and i promise, i’ll never rush you either.” she confirms, leaning into him and finally feeling fully confident to lay on that eye contact. the question of his experiences rattles around in her mind, but she doesn’t ask him just yet. she needs a second to not think and she’s already distracted now that her gaze has flickered down to his mouth. lottie closes the distance between them at a glacial pace, until her lips press against his and she finds herself once again getting carried away. it builds up as her head tilts and once again her tongue is sliding against his mouth, her ability to breathe going to the back of her mind until she absolutely has to consider it.

           moonlight spills in through wes’ bedroom window, casting an inexplicable glow all over charlotte as she peers down at him from above. instantly, his heart rate picks up as soon as she expresses that she really likes him, and while wes thinks it would be crazy to drop the hard l word right now, there’s a part of him that wants to throw all caution to the wind and proclaim: i really love you. not only does wes’ anxiety prevent him from saying so, but as soon as charlotte’s lips begin trailing down his jawline and reach his neck, it’s like his mind has gone absolutely blank. all he can focus on is the softness of her lips against his skin, and his head instinctively tilts slightly to allow her more space to leave her delicate kisses. he feels almost over-stimulated, in all the best ways; the firm weight of her on top of him, the tickling but tantalizing feeling of her neck kisses, her hands exploring over his chest and stomach, and the way he can still hear the song he’s written for her playing on a loop in the back of his head. the way he’d describe the way feels beneath her right now is on fire, and for her he wants to burn, burn, burn. 

wes has been suppressing a moan for a while now – the heat of everything has him extremely worked up, but there’s a small fear that showing too much enthusiasm may lead charlotte to believe that she has to do more than just shower him with kisses right now. sure, the thrill of getting into something more intimate with her is definitely on his mind, the last thing he wants to do is put any pressure on that happening right now. he wants to move at her pace, because really, deep down, wes doesn’t even think he’s ready for them to do anything further than this without them seriously talking about it first, but he can’t help but whimper softly when charlotte takes her lips away from his skin and moves to stares down at him. she speaks, and the way she says his name elicits yet another whimper, but he manages to overcome all of this overstimulation and pay close attention to what she’s asking. the question is so simple, yet so complex at the same time. it feels like it should be easy to tell charlotte exactly what he imagines, but for some reason it’s the exact opposite – his mouth has gone dry and he’s completely tongue tied. until she suggests that maybe he doesn’t think of her when he’s alone and buries her face in his shoulder.  “of course i do.” wes smiles, pressing a quick kiss to her temple. “sometimes i worry maybe a little too much.” 

            “but um, i guess i, um….” he tries to go on, but the words just won’t come to him. maybe it’s because she’s hiding, and the lack of her eyes on his is hindering his confidence, or maybe it’s because he’s ashamed to admit what he’s into, either way, right now, wes is unable to explain himself. “i think i like… i uh,” he shakes his head and decides it’s confidence that he needs. so he takes his hands out of her back pockets and moves to put his weight on his elbows and shifts them up so that he’s sitting up straight and able to look in her eyes. one hand rests on the small of her back and the other moves to tuck strands of loose hair behind her ear before ultimately cradling her cheek in the palm of his hand. it should be harder this way, now that their eyes are locked, but for some reason  it really is the exact thing to give him that boost of courage. “i… think about doing anything and everything for you. whatever you say, i… i want to do it.” 

         “i know that first night we talked, i said that i didn’t like to be told what to do, and i think it’s pretty clear that i’m really not into controlling relationships but uh, when it comes to this…” wes exhales an embarrassed chuckle, and tightly shuts his eyes in an attempt to avoid seeing charlotte’s reaction. “that’s not exactly the case.” one eye opens, peeking to see what she thinks. his entire body feels white hot, like he said something he wasn’t supposed to say, something that’s going to get him in trouble – something that’s going to make charlotte change her mind about him. “aaaand you’re the first person i’ve ever actually admitted that to, and i don’t know why but i feel all mortified saying it out loud. like i… never thought i would tell anyone that, but of course if i’m going to tell anybody, it’s gonna be you…” he’s rambling now, filibustering the space so that charlotte can’t shut down what he’s into – not that he thinks she will, if anything she would gracefully turn him down and he’d still be madly in love, but he’s pathetically scared to find out what she thinks. because to wes, this kink, or whatever it is, is downright humiliating and he can hardly imagine what others might consider it. 

         “and i’ll also add that i really like the idea of going down on you for hours and just like in general treating you like an absolute princess… you are one, and i… you know, you deserve… i wanna treat you like that.” his hand lifts from her cheek, moving to wipe a bead of sweat that has formed on his forehead. he can’t tell if it’s their body heat increasing his temperature that’s causing him to perspire, or the thrill of this conversation that’s heating him up. “i’m sorry, now i feel like i can’t stop talking for some reason. why is it so hard to talk about this kind of stuff?” he covers his face with his hand for a second, wearing an embarrassed smile behind it. “can you please tell me to shut up already and tell me what you like so that i can stop rambling like a nervous wreck?”

    charlotte wants to commit the soft whimpers that leave wes’ mouth to her memory permanently. she almost can’t believe it, her mind feels fuzzy as much as she tries to hold on to the sound of it, replaying it over and over as he kisses her temple and reassures her that she has a place in his mind the way he does in hers. all her embarrassment and bashful tendencies ease as he begins to try and explain himself, stopping and starting and pausing until she finally feels him pull back. it removes his shoulder as her hiding place, her hair falling into her face until he’s pushing it away and her eyes are open and vulnerable as she watches him. she can’t believe he wants to make eye contact with her while he explains what he likes in bed, but it inevitably turns her on just that notch more than she’s already been feeling.

     being a little hot and heavy is one thing, but this conversation is new for them, a ground they haven’t yet covered in their time together. interruptions and fractured moments haven’t allowed them to reach this beforehand, but nothing really prepares her for his answer to her question. she blinks, looking back at him inquisitively for a moment, as if she’s not quite sure what she’s hearing. wes liking being told what to do seems a stark contrast to the burdened, trapped reality he seems to live in, but as he elaborates on it she thinks maybe she understands it. or at the very least, she’s starting to. “ah...” she makes a noise of understanding, watching as he begins to melt into the nervous person she was a moment earlier, as if the two of them reflections of one another. her hands rest against his shoulders, rising up to his neck to find his warm skin as she watches him begin to unravel just a little bit, rambling on. she thinks it just might be the cutest thing in the world, seeing him be so shy about enjoying her bossing him around a little bit. she wonders idly how deep it goes, but it seems like something to explore down the line and not right this second. though, the going down on her for hours thing piques her interest in a way that’s visible on her face, brows raising, cheeks flushing. she vaguely recalls a comment from her birthday, a drunken, hot admission that she can’t remember the exact words from. “wes.” she says his name in a smile and then pouts. “hey...”

    she matches his movement from earlier, brushing hair from his forehead and then cupping his cheek, leaning in for a peck rather than telling him to shut the fuck up like he’s asking her to. “it’s new, us talking about stuff like this. it’s totally normal to feel a little weird about it, but... i like being the first one you told about that. i like it when you trust me and let me in.” lottie pauses, something overtaking her as her gaze sweeps from those thoughtful, beautiful eyes of his to his lips. her hand shifts, her small hand taking his chin with all the confidence of someone double her height. “if we were doing that, you doing everything i said... you’d need to trust me, wouldn’t you?” she asks, fully aware that she’s teasing him. maybe it’s unfair but she doesn’t allow him to complain, leaning in for yet another kiss, this time softer and more adoring than the last. she’s thinking about his question, his wondering what she likes and she finds that she’s probably as mortified as he was a second earlier at the idea of sharing her fantasies. swallowing the lump that’s formed in her throat, she pulls back, staring at his shoulder as her hand slides down it, fingers sliding underneath the sleeve of his shirt mindlessly as she thinks. “i like what you said about going down on me. that’s definitely something i’ve imagined... more than once. probably lots of times. it’s stupid—” lottie meets his gaze. “i just think you’d be really good at it? something about being a musical prodigy... and a hard worker.” there’s an amused grin on her face that’s hiding her slight embarrassment saying all of that aloud. “but, other than that...” she pauses again, still on the fence about exactly what she wants to tell him.

    there’s a brave girl inside her, someone who eagerly gets on top of him, who exudes a confidence people don’t expect from such an innocent looking face. this feels different, though. it’s far more than that. “i guess sometimes i imagine what it would be like to give head without being rushed or like, having my head shoved down. and i like imagining it’s you. getting to go slow, teasing, surprising you. today has inspired some really good sounds to replay in my head for that and... literally anything else.” she licks her lips and knows that she’s plucked a thought from her mind that she thinks he might like. she trails off, her mind going elsewhere as she looks up at the ceiling. as if her cheeks weren’t warm a second ago, they’re far worse now. “i like the idea of learning each other slowly, of like, lavishing and adoring and worshipping. i like... early morning and late night stuff too. anything that includes spooning and maybe being half asleep. or at least i think i would,” her brows furrow together as she pauses, her hand turning to a fist that leans against his chest. “i haven’t had a whole lot of enjoyable sex.” the admission surprises her, but she’s feeling like she may as well just keep being honest with her.

    “i don’t know why i’m telling you this, i guess because i know we haven’t really talked about this until now and i don’t wanna get carried away... as much as i actually do kind of want to.” she smiles, but it’s resigned, she’s still focused on what she needs to say. “i don’t wanna do anything stupid. i don’t wanna rush in, especially not right now when we’ve just kind of, sorta figured some of our stuff out. and i know i brought it up, obviously... but i just...” she realises then that she hasn’t been looking at him and her eyes find his, knowing she’ll find acceptance and kindness there, even though she’s nervous in the seconds before she looks for it. “as much as i want you, i also don’t wanna fuck this up. you mean way too much to me.”

           there really isn’t any reason that wes should be nervous to learn what charlotte thinks of his song. this is the woman who’s been a fan of him since she was in middle school, and back then she likely dreamed of a moment like this. deep down, wes knows that she loves it – probably just much as he loved writing it… but he’s still trembling, palms sweaty as he meets her gaze and asks her what she thinks. as soon as she begins clapping, his cheeks are turning a deep shade of pink, and wearing a bashful smile, he whispers: “thank you.” he’s a little lost for words, focusing on her wide smile and the peach colored blush that’s overcome the majority of her face. at least they’re both turning pink, wes thinks, feeling his face getting hotter by the second as she refers to herself as motivating. “yeah, i…” he starts, but the words get caught in his throat when charlotte rises from her seat at the edge of his bed and begins to slowly move towards him. something has shifted, he can feel it. “i want to change and… and you’ve been the main catalyst for that.” 

at first, wes thinks that she wants to sit beside him, and he slides to the side to provide room on the bench, but she’s gesturing for him to move back and he does as instructed and suddenly – very unexpectedly, wes has charlotte sitting on his lap again for the first time in what feels like forever. well, maybe since her birthday, a revelation provided by the pictures from the photobooth, but he doesn’t really remember that. this, however he will never forget. wes tries not to get lost in how good she smells, how soft the skin of her arm feels as he presses the side of his face against her shoulder and reaches out to guide her hands to the right notes. a content sigh leaves his lips as their fingers briefly intertwine as he shows her around the keys; she’s getting the hang of the intro, and beginning to get into further chord progressions without much of wes’ help, but he still leaves his hands ghosting above hers. his gaze has been focused on watching her play, but as soon as charlotte asks him a question, his attention is completely taken to look up at her, eyes locked on the chords before her. “in this notebook?” wes reluctantly lifts his hand from atop hers and reaches out to brush the pages of the composition book sitting on the music stand in front of them. “um…” he lets out an awkward laugh, hesitating before confessing this, apprehensive of whether or not charlotte will find this romantic or obsessive, but after a second he finally whispers: “every song in this notebook is about you.” he’s lucky that right beside them on the shelf are dozens of composition notebooks, so maybe she won’t think it’s so crazy that he has one dedicated to only her. 

it’s simply impossible to follow any boundaries right now. he’d keep his hands on the keyboard, but that’s where her fingers are, and now that he’s looked down, his eyes are fixated on the perfect spot on her thigh. one hand rests there, and the other swiftly travels up her arm, his fingertips dancing their way up in a similar manner to the way her own are on the keys. wes swears to himself as he’s tucking her hair behind her ear that he’s doing this to help her and not for an excuse to touch her. but he does linger with his movements, reveling in it, the softness of her earlobe, the silkiness of her curls… wes sighs, leaning a little closer and pressing his lips to her shoulder. “god, i… kind of can’t believe you’re playing my song right now…” and playing it so remarkably. he always knew she was talented but to immediately be able to pick up on the intricacies of his songwriting is rather impressive. 

by the time she’s reached the chorus, wes doesn’t know if he wants to sing it again, softly beside her ear or abruptly stop her all together and profess his love for her. instead, wes does neither – but he does lift the hand from her thigh to interrupt her playing, slowly reaching forward to take her hand and inspire her to turn to look at him. when she does, it feels like he’s forgotten how to breathe. “charlotte…” green eyes dart between her own and perfectly supple lips, begging him to experience their softness for the second time today. but he doesn’t think that he possesses that particular boldness, the one that is confident enough to see that this moment surpasses their boundaries and just make the move. he tightens his grip, licks his lips, and decides to ask: “can i please kiss you?”

she gives him his answer by closing the gap – and for the second time today the two of them are swept up in a passionate, devoted kiss. cradling her cheek in his hand, it feels like wes’ heart is doing cartwheels in his chest. this is not the angry kiss that it was earlier. this is not a sad, last kiss high in the sky, or one lost in a night of drinking  – this kiss is hopeful, this kiss is a promise. there is love in this kiss, and it doesn’t feel like it’s just on his end. wrapping an arm underneath her knees wes seamlessly lifts her into the air, carrying her off of the piano bench and over to his bed. but wes is not the type to throw her down on the bedding and cover her body with his own. instead he sits down on the bed, allowing himself to get comfortable in the pillows and charltotte to adjust herself to properly straddle his lap again, placing his hands on her hips, wes grips her tightly, kisses her fervently, and thinks to himself: you have got to be fucking dreaming right now. “i um,” wes starts, pulling back to take a breath, “i hope this is okay.” his hands slip back farther to grab her ass, gently slipping his hands into the pockets of her jeans. “i just… i think i really like it when you’re on top of me.” he laughs a little, almost awkwardly, like he’s embarrassed to admit this, even though he knows it’s something that he should share with her. she should know what he likes, considering right now ( and many, many other times before this ) wes can’t stop thinking about what she might like, what he can do to to make her happy. 

    this casual closeness goes further than they have in a long, long time. it’s not even necessarily about the position charlotte has put herself in, perched on his lap so comfortably that she can remember what it used to be like, when it was easier and she was clueless about all the things wes held inside him, suffering all alone. it’s almost like nothing ever happened, but not quite that much. she feels like she knows him better now and she appreciates every second of his cheek pressing into her arm and his fingers hovering over hers, helping to guide her as he teaches her the song. the corner of her mouth lifts in thinly veiled flattery when he explains that every song in the notebook he’s got in front of them is about her. butterflies are running rampant in her stomach and she shakes her head, unsure what to say in response. of course she’s written so many damn songs about him in return, about things that have happened... about things she wished could happen. there are half-finished melodies and verses written in her notes app that he may never even know the existence of. there have been times since they met where lottie has believed somehow that he doesn’t feel as strongly as she does, but this is evidence to the contrary all along and that is both nerve-wracking and thrilling.

    she’s dazzled by the way his hands seem to move so comfortably and she has to fight to focus on playing the notes as he touches her so gently. her eyelids flutter shut as he kisses her shoulder and she has to swallow the lump that forms in her throat. “i’m probably not doing it justice.” she replies bashfully, but then tries to focus harder, preoccupied with impressing him to distract herself from the urge to wrap her arms around him and refuse to let go. the sound of his voice saying her name and his hand urging her to stop draws her attention back in. turning her head, she feels almost dizzy as she looks at him. even more so when he asks what he does. can i please kiss you?

    a question uttered with such tenderness that for a moment she’s stunned, lips parting but no words come out. lottie surpasses the need for answering with words and instead suddenly she’s kissing wes. it’s not an impulse out of frustration, not something brought on by feeling herself pushed this way and that by the things that have happened between them. their relationship is intricate and complicated, but at its very core there’s a simple want: to be as close to wes nichols as fucking possible. the second he told her he wanted things to change, that she made him want it, charlotte has had something new to hold on tightly to. she has a hope, one that she pours into this kiss she shares with him. 

     a small gasp falls from her lips as he scoops an arm underneath her and lifts her up from the piano bench. her arms reflexively reach to wrap around his neck as he guides them over to the bed. her mind seems to blank for a moment, watching as he shifts back on it, making space for her to come right back to him, her knees on either side of his body. it’s a surprisingly comfortable position, despite the fact that they haven’t done this in a while. their lips connect again and there’s a little less innocence in it now, her head tilting to the side as she deepens it. in between breathless kisses she hears him trying to check in and appreciates the gesture, giggling softly as he elaborates, her hands resting comfortably on his chest. “yeah?” she whispers back to him, eyes glittering with amusement.

            “oh hell yeah,” casper says, jumping to his feet at this dare. it’s nothing sexual, which he was expecting from sloane, but it’s the perfect dare for him to complete, and without even thinking about it too hard, he’s decided on a song and starts tapping his foot to try to give himself a beat to go along with. he holds up his hand to his mouth, like it’s a microphone, and starts getting right into character. “all right, thanks so much for coming out to my show tonight, i know traffic was crazy. ya’ll. this one is called: cowboy take me away, by the dixie chicks. a classic, one of my favorites. here we go:” his voice isn’t that bad, not quite as good as flynn’s, and cas is certain that if he had some kind of instrumental backup he could at least sound a smidge better, but he’s completing his dare with a type of gusto that at least has him coming off as charming. “cowboy taaaaaaaaaake meeeeee awayyyy!” he belts, completing the chorus and finishing it up by miming the violin solo. he bows once he’s finished, rather proud of himself and accepting the applause that the other two are giving him, whether it be deserved or not. “thank you, thank you, i accept tips by the way, cash and venmo.” he doesn’t sit yet, first pulling out his pack of cigarettes and leaving them casually half open on the table in front of him. “aight, wilder, truth or dare.” casper’s dares are usually always the same, boring bullshit, so flynn figures he probably shouldn’t pick truth again, and get one of his stupid dares over with first. “let’s just get the taking my shirt off part out of the way, i’ll choose dare.” flynn says, not even bothering to wait for his dare and slipping his shirt over his head. “i WASN’T going to choose that one, but now that it’s off you may as well keep it off, right sloaney?” he shoots her a quick glance before he’s looking all around the room, like he’s pondering what he wants to make wilder do, when in actuality he’s been holding onto this dare for quite some time now. “i want you… to try… and light a cigarette… with your feet.” he says, taking out a single cigarette and holding it out in front of him. “what? you’re insane. how am i supposed to do that.”flynn says, but he still takes the cigarette from him, eyeing it, and then looking down at his feet, trying to figure it out in his head before he decides if he’s going to try or not. “i dunno, take the shot if you don’t think you can do it, wilder.” casper eggs him on, and while flynn isn’t totally sure if he can do it, he doesn’t want to not at least try. “fuckin’ hell, okay.” flynn pops the cigarette between his lips, and is then using one hand to take off his socks, while the other is reaching into his pocket for his zippo lighter, trying to figure out how he’s going to position it between his toes to flick it open and get a spark. miraculously, with his legs in the air, sitting in the most awkward position leaning against the dining room table, he has managed to get the lighter open, and a flame. his eyes go wide, almost positive he’s got this in the bag now. he’s still got to light the damn thing though, and his foot is visibly shaking as he’s moving it towards his mouth. it happens, to casper’s surprise, the fire meets the tobacco and flynn wilder has succeeded, earning him a holler from his best friend at the victory. “that was… so stupid, and extremely difficult, and i hated it.” flynn complains, rolling his eyes. “and now sloane knows you’ve got a foot fetish.” in defense of himself, casper playfully smacks his hand down on the table, grinning madly and then pointing at his best friend all accusatory like. “HEY, i DO have a foot fetish and that is NOT something i should be shamed for!” flynn holds onto his cigarette, which prompts casper to decide he needs one too, and as casper is drunkenly fumbling with the lighter, flynn to turns to sloane with a smile. “sloane, truth or dare?” flynn asks, already prepared for what he plans on asking, or daring her to do after hearing what casper’s just said. when she chooses dare, he smiles, knowing that this option way is decidedly more fun. “i dare you to tell us your most tantalizing fetish, through charades.” 

    despite sloane’s relatively tame dare, casper takes it rather seriously and she finds herself relatively impressed by the effort he seems to pour into this unscheduled performance that neither of them bought tickets to. she’s doubling over herself giving him applause, still laughing and then shifting uncomfortably as the reminder of the swiftly melting ice cubes in her bralette makes her squirm. of course, the distraction from the wet spots growing on her tank top happens to be flynn going through the works trying to light a cigarette with his feet, apparently due to his best friend’s foot fetish. she watches both in surprise and slight concern, zoning out halfway through because unlike cas, she doesn’t have any interest in staring at the toes of the man she’s seeing... even if it’s a little impressive that he’s managed it.

    all of a sudden the attention is back on her and she feels her cheeks warm just a little, mostly because the ice cubes have since melted, leaving her nipples poking through the fabric of her top. “mm?” her gaze flickers to cas and on instinct, she reaches to snatch the lighter, flicking it for him with the briefest of eye contact as she bravely (see: foolishly) selects dare. deft fingers reach for the box of cigarettes as she rolls her eyes, removing one and lighting it for herself. sloane hasn’t smoked in a while and only ever does it when she’s got some alcohol in her, but something about being the odd one out pushes her to do it. she brings it to her lips, considering her dare for a moment. “well, i’m gonna take this whole situation,” she motions towards her chest with her hand. “to mean that you’ve got a whole lactation kink going.” rising up out of her seat, she makes some distance between them as she selects ‘her most tantalising fetish’ from the reel of not so. “i don’t think this is going to be as thrilling as you think.” she sighs, taking a puff from her cigarette before she promptly shuts her mouth.

     holding up her index finger, she indicates one word. then she stalls for a second, the alcohol not quite pushing her over the hurdle of acting this out in front of two alcohol filled gang members who just so happen to maybe still be her favourite customers. even if casper owes her a hundred apologies. her free hand slides up her middle, moving slowly as she draws it out unnecessarily, a wry smile on her lips as her hand wraps around her neck. a soft gasp leaves her, the theatrics coming out as she struggles not to laugh at herself, squeezing just a little as she tips her head back and mimics a noise of approval. “or, is that not tantalising enough?” her brows raise and she turns to her side, using the wall for support as she leans against it, arching her back. she places the cigarette in her mouth and brings her hand back against her own ass cheek, giggling as she stands up again. “i better get an applause, even if mine aren’t as weird as casper’s.” 

         charlotte drops his hands, and for a split second wes thinks that it’s all over. tears are brimming in the corners of his eyes and he’s nearly about to drop down to the floor just like he said he would – but charlotte doesn’t waste a moment once she realizes that he’s beginning to panic, and returns to giving him the love and affection he’s always needed. he pulls her in close, wrapping his arms around her middle and burying his face in the crook of her neck. the tears finally escape and drip down his cheeks, landing in charlotte’s curls and wes wishes that he could wipe them away but there’s no way he’s moving with charlotte in his arms right now. the sensation of her hand caressing the back of his head, moving gently through his dark locks is a nice touch, and wes sighs, nodding his head slowly at her responses. she’ll stay. she’s not going anywhere… yet. 

         “thank you.” wes whispers, hugging her a little tighter as he speaks. “i promise you’ll see. i promise. things will change…” he inhales a shaky breath, still trembling a little in her arms. “they have to. they will.” the temperature of his body drastically changes when her lips are pressed to his cheek, everything is warm. he knows this is just a comforting gesture, but part of wes wants to turn his head too, meet her in that kiss and seal that promise with his lips. but he doesn’t. he only pulls back slightly and lifts his hand from her waist for only a moment to wipe his damp cheeks with the sleeve of his sweater.

his attention is brought back to the basically untouched food on the counter, and wes cracks half a smile and nods in agreement. “yeah, i don’t think i really have that much of an appetite either.” wes says, quickly moving to secure all of the lids back onto their sushi and store it back into the fridge for later. as soon as it looks like they’d never been eating at the kitchen island to begin with, wes washes his hands and then extends one out towards charlotte. “do you mind if i show you in my bedroom?” he asks, nodding his head up towards the staircase. “it’s the only place i really feel comfortable playing my own stuff.” and with her hand in his, wes takes her back up to his room, and with each step up wes feels himself becoming more and more nervous. performing for charlotte was not something he had expected to do today – this day was supposed to be about her, and her music, and now he’s about to be more vulnerable with her than ever before. wes has had fantasies of this moment, but those dreams heavily feature an aura of romance, and wes doesn’t really know where they stand right now. five minutes ago she was kissing him, and three minutes ago she was upset with him, and now she’s sitting on his bed and he’s at his keyboard and he’s about to pour his heart out through his piano keys.

          “so, um.” he begins awkwardly, clearing his throat. he flips open one of his notebooks, still looking at her while he gets to the right page. he doesn’t really need it, he’s played this song so many times now he could play it with his eyes closed, but he doesn’t necessarily want to show off. “i wrote this one um… after the ferris wheel. like… immediately after,” he explains, wearing an embarrassed half smile. “like as soon as autumn wasn’t paying attention i was on my phone typing up lyrics.” wes thinks that the backstory is necessary, or at least that she might be curious – he’s dying to know when she had started composing the song they’d worked on today, though wes is pretty sure that she began writing it the night of the series premiere. 

           “anyway. here it goes.” wes takes a dramatic opening pause, his fingers hovering above keys like he’s debating whether or not he wants to back out at the last second. he does not let the hesitation overtake him though, because the patient, devoted, excited look on charltote’s face is enough for him to let his fingers drop and begin playing the song. wes dances across the keys, he’s breezing through the opening piano solo like it’s one of the classical pieces his mother has engrained in his memory, but the moment he actually has to start singing, he begins quietly, uneasily, his eyes darting from her back to the lyrics he’s written on the page like he’s forgotten his line. he hasn’t though, and as the lyrics approach the chorus, the confidence follows, and before wes knows it, he’s belting out the words. “wild like a dream, ignite my brain. my house is on fire, she’s the kerosene. don’t put me out, don’t put me out – for her i wanna burn, burn, burn.” his eyelids flutter shut as he continues on singing, but his fingers never once stumble over the keys “set ablaze, won’t lose this feeling. smoke in my lungs, don’t call for help – in the ashes i’ll find new meaning.” 

three minutes of a love song feels a lot longer when it’s being performed for the very first time in front of the person it’s been written about. wes can’t remember a time where he ever felt like this song would never end – most of the time he can spend all night with his headphones on playing it over and over again, singing quietly to himself and think for a moment: maybe it needs another verse. but now that he’s finally finishing up the bridge, and moving into the final chorus, wes can’t wait for it to be over already. not because the nerves have returned again, but because he’s desperate to see charlotte’s reaction, to finally open his eyes again and see if she loves it the way he always hoped she would. his fingers fly through the last few keys, his voice fading out along with the sound of the piano, and once he lifts his foot from the sustaining pedal and the music has ceased, wes finally looks back at charlotte and, wearing a shy smile, he asks her: “so… what did you…. what do you think?”

    the food is packed back away, the possibility of them revisiting their first night hanging out, slips away with it, but so does the game of pretending that things are okay between them. it wasn’t easy to confront the feelings she had swirling in her chest, to actually express all the things she’d been holding back for so damn long. she’s relieved to see that he looks a little more at ease now, holding out his hand so he can lead her to the bedroom as she nods slowly, accepting the offer. it feels a little like whiplash, switching so quickly between her emotions, but she’s seen a wes so painfully open to her that she can’t quite resist staying with him a little longer. there’s a cynical part of her in the back of her brain that’s still sure it’s too good to be true, this sober promise of things changing, but lottie wants to believe it. she wants him to mean it more than anything and she wants him to act on it even more. maybe that’s why she’s still willing to listen to this song and likely have her heart flutter and skip a beat in the process. it doesn’t surprise her that he likes to play his music in the sanctuary of his room. feeling his hand firmly in hers, she follows as he walks her up the stairs, keeping her eyes on him cautiously as they make their way to his bedroom once more. this time feels different, though, it’s not full of uncertainty or with eyes searching for the wes in this house that’s supposed to be his. this time when she sits down on his bed, her eyes only travel around the room for a few seconds before they land on him at the keyboard, watching as he flips open a notebook.

    the mention of the ferris wheel has her raising her brows, wondering what the content of this song will hold, her lips pressing together to not smirk at the idea of him typing up lyrics about her the second he got a chance. “noted.” she replies, punctuating it with a tilt of her head as she waits for him to begin. she can’t pin point the beginning of writing every song she’s written about him, many of them are undated, small pieces of songs that come together later. lottie isn’t messy in most of her life, but in song writing she likes to think of every song as her little frankenstein’s monster. she shifts points of view, shifts moments, jumping back and forth from one to the next and back again. it seems that wes is more particular than her in that regard, something that doesn’t surprise her in the slightest. this is wes, after all.

    as the song opens, she’s dazzled by the easy way his fingers dance over the keys. it comes across like he’s been doing this his whole life, there’s something so natural about his playing ability, but then she hears his soft voice singing out to her and the little sway she’s been doing to his opening pauses as she listens to the lyrics. it’s impossible to not read everything into them, but as he plunges into the chorus, his confidence seems to crescendo and she’s in complete awe. everything she’s ever felt for him comes rushing back. adoration wraps around her heart, making a cushion for how much it has ached over the last few hours. she’s been cautious, even when she wrapped her arms around him and soothed him with her words she wasn’t quite sure what she was doing, but his song reminds her. they’ve lit fires within one another. he inspires her to be great, to work hard and develop her talent and she thinks she inspires him too, that she makes him realise something more than what he has right now is entirely possible. she watches his eyes shut tight as he sings and she smiles, longs to walk over and throw her arms around him. it’s not till he’s finally done that she says anything, though her hands come together in an excited, one woman applause.

     “wes, it’s beautiful. i don’t say that for nothing. you’re so... effortless when you play. it’s really, really special. you looked so wrapped up in it, like you loved doing it.” lottie explains, only realising now that she’s blushing a little bit over all of this. she loves her song, but his song is special. or at least, she supposes it’s easier to pile on the praise for him because it’s him. “i loved it. i’ve never... i didn’t know you saw me as so motivating.” she jokes and then, because she just can’t resist, she lifts up off the bed, making her way over to him in slow steps, cautious as she regards him. something in her is feeling bold, recalling the stretch of time that sits between this night together and the next time they’ll see one another. now that they’ve had a real conversation and her feelings are so squarely on the table, she’s doing things she usually wouldn’t. as she gets close, she signals for him to move back a little, helping to push the stool at the keyboard back a little bit too before she slides in beside him and then confidently sits herself on his lap. it almost feels like the old them, the two of them sneaking around and pretending they weren’t possibly going to be serious while spending all their time alone at her house party, getting ridiculously carried away. lottie looks down at him, a coy, hesitant smile on her lips before she focuses her gaze on the keyboard. “show me how to play the first part, please.”