Fly away

What am I scared of

Is it the water that just does not seem to end

Or the violent waves that crash the land

As if trying to catch hold of me

Or it

Maybe just my thoughts that terrify me more than any of these

Thoughts that take me to places no one wishes to be

Thoughts that bring out emotions lurking deep inside of me

Yes these thoughts are the ones that make me want to leave

To cry

To sigh

Such a paradoxical feeling

something so powerful of not needing to be anymore

being enough as I am

Yet it holds me back from becoming more.

True acceptance

brings peace

With oneself

And with the world.

Hence

I just am

May be a loser’s excuse

Or

A wise person’s enlightenment

Venerable or laughable

Or

One at the same time

Almost feels like you are not living maybe even dreaming.

You try to hold on to the world physically and even verbally.

There are times when you feel like you can almost hold onto it.

But it slips through your hands like water.

It’s a personal nightmare turned into reality where you are shouting but no one can hear you, where you are trying to reach out but no one can hold you.

This is it.

This is how I am going to go.

Of uneasiness

It’s twisted

A slight touch

Can throw me off

It is a constant

Sickness

Like standing on a boat

In the middle of the sea

With nothing to hold on to

Not a person

Or a thing

All that is left

One that often gets ugly

Something that eye can’t see

It crawls underneath my skin

And wreaks havoc in my head

Most days I feel like

It wants me dead

I curve into it

As if it’s a mold

It hangs onto me tight

And promises to never

But still looks at me

Sometimes even longer than he may have wanted to

And when he knows I’m anxious

Smiles

Melting my nerves

There are pauses in our conversation

Which feels a bit awkward

And our hearts rushing but slowing at the same time

He smiles and breathes deeply

As if reminding me to breathe as well

With him

My heart feels like water

A sea that is constantly rising and calming

And when he speaks

It feels like a warm blanket on a cold day

I’m reminded of how big the world is

A familiar place sometimes

Seems unfamiliar

While looking at the stretch of land

Thinking how far does this go

If I keep going where will I reach

The world is so big

Does it care what a small person like me thinks

Does it really matter

When I look into myself

I feel so big

It’s like I hold

Where you feel the need to break free

From the people around

The room you are in

And yourself

You feel like you just need to get out

So I go

Anywhere I can possibly go

And I climb and climb

Till I reach a point where all I see is vastness

The empty sky

With birds flying

No restrictions

Only freedom

And I can breathe

There is some parts of me

That tends to forget that I have to live tomorrow as well

Sometimes I live in the present

Sometimes in the past

And some days my mind is filled with thoughts about the future

But every now and then I get a sudden pop

Like a notification of my mind

Reminding me that it is not all and I have more to think about

I think it is a kind of anxiety

I mean I know it is anxiety

But I don’t know what it is for

Is it that I am not living enough?

Or am i living too much?

Some days I feel productive

Even if I just watch some movies or knit or anything

Whereas some days even if I do so many things

It seems like a waste

A waste of life

A waste of myself

And I forget to breathe

But I cannot control it

I cannot control how to feel

So I remind myself to breathe

For that

She is here to free me from hell

or is hell where she is taking me

I hate seeing mess

Not mess as in a messy room

But mess like a tangled yarn

Or a spilled juice

And also elevators

Or those closed water chutes

It suffocates me

Like i do not have enough oxygen

It hits me on my head

At night when

All I can think of

Is being in that tunnel

Or anything

And not being able to leave

Where all I can do is wait

Wait for it to come

Yes I think that’s it

That jittery feeling

Like listening to a song that’s going to be your favourite for the first time

Where you almost feel a suffocation

When your heart skips a beat

It’s almost electrifying

It’s like you die a little

But it also makes you feel so alive

The paradox of dying in order to live a little more

That’s what it feels to be

That’s what it feels

So these days I have become more open about my anxiety or ties to be honest

However when I say it

I can see them eyeing me with doubtful eyes

They ask me how is it exactly?

I tell them I can’t precisely point and tell

It’s almost everywhere

But sometimes it covers the whole of me

While other times it is pricking me somewhere with its little pointy needle

There is something about some moments

I don’t know what to call it

There is an essence

Filled with the emotions, actions and something

It makes it so beautiful

you don’t know then that it is what it is

But someday you are so busy

Or not doing anything

When you are hit by the memory of that moment

And how you wish for it to replay again

In the same way it did then

however it never really comes back

Instead we just end up with a new moment

A moment we will miss at another time

I hate this

Such mood swings

Feels like I could kill myself

Or pluck my hairs out

Pick all of my skin

Or drag myself to the bin

Would that mean something

My gender?

I’m pretty sure it’s female

If that’s how you want to categorise it

Categories categories

A world full of it

If you are this then you cannot be that

There was a little girl who was going around asking

“Do you want happy or sad?”

people smiled and said happy

She came to me and asked the same

“Both” I said

She showed all her teeth and gave a big smile

Jumping she went to her father and said “she wants sad”

Here again people look at me

And presume okay she is a female

I don’t say that’s wrong

It is right

But maybe not for everyone

Maybe someone who looks like a girl

Could be a male

Or one who looks OUTWARDLY like a boy

Could be a female

Or maybe none

Here again categories

So my gender is a female

For now at least

But sexuality now that’s a completely different area

Again we bring in the categories

Am I hetero? Homo? A? Bi?

I say I am all

From what I believe

Sexuality is about being attracted sexually to someone

And I fail to understand how these categories will define who I get attracted to

I don’t know maybe I will get attracted to a boy or girl or anyone

If l really need to fall under these categories

Then I say okay today I am asexual because I am not attracted to anyone today

Four years ago I was a heterosexual because I liked a boy

Tomorrow maybe I could be a homosexual

Or remain an asexual

I wanna wake up and be alone in the house

Wake up at 10 and lay in bed for an hour

Open all the windows

sit on the table and play music

Stare blankly outside

Collect thoughts

Cook something light

Watch comedy while eating