Saikiharu's WORLD

"To hell with it then"

"I don't care, Seonghwa! I'm sick and tired of being treated like I'm nothing. You've always had everything you could ever fucking want. You're a straight boy who fits everything his parents could ever want from him. Not me. I've never and will never have that," I cried, my voice breaking as I slid down to the floor.

"I'm not as perfect as I seem," he paused and slightly laughed, "You, of all people, should know that," his tone was harsh yet broken and hurt. He ran his fingers through his hair and started pacing back and forth. The rain picked up, soaking his shirt and covering his skin. He looked perfect. Perfectly irrational and broken.

Within what felt like it could only be a few moments, I heard the sound of a fist against brick over and over. I looked at him only to see his bloody knuckles and rain-soaked hair. The sounds of muffled crying and the tears on his cheeks were barely noticeable as the storm around us picked up. 

"It's not fair. It's not fucking fair," he yelled, his voice already damaged and weak, "It's not fucking fair," his voice trailed as he threw another powerless punch at the wall, "Everyone at least expects you to be queer or some shit. You're not actively being forced to hide who you are so you don't fucking ruin your perfect image," he turned around, leaning against the wall and looking down at me, "You may not be the most popular person here, you may not fit what everyone around here sees as perfect, but you could at least be you if you wanted."

We sat there for a few moments with nothing but the sound of rain and passing vehicles before I finally spoke up, "What do you mean?" I spoke harshly yet still apprehensively.

"As you said, I'm the perfect straight boy," his voice was laced with sarcasm and frustration. He paused as if gathering his thoughts, "But what if I'm not? What if I don't find the girls pretty? What if it's the guys I think about and wanna be with? What if I'm not as perfect as everyone thinks?"

I looked up, only for him to immediately look away from me. He started picking at the edges of his cut-up knuckles, "Stop, please, don't hurt yourself more than you already have. I already don't like seeing you beat the shit out of stuff. I don't need you to beat the shit out of yourself, okay?"

"Why do you care," he sounded colder than usual, almost defensive, "You're not my boyfriend, dumbass. It's not your place to care about what I do to myself," I'd never admit it to him, but those words hurt. I'm not his boyfriend, but I still care for him. He's the closest thing I have to a friend.

"Nevermind, just forget it. Let's go home," I got up off the concrete and dusted off my pants before starting to walk home.

"That's something I never thought I'd hear coming from you," he laughed a little and grabbed my wrist, holding me from walking off, "You’re more the type to beg to stay out all night just to avoid home. I know you don't like it there."

I pulled my arm loose and kept walking, "Fuck off, Seonghwa," I growled, pulling my hood up.

"You're not good at hiding your anger, you know," he said, running to catch up with me, "You're not going home. I know you too well to assume that you were telling the truth. What's bothering you?"

"I don't know, maybe you or the fact you act like I can't give a shit about you without being with you." I turned around to look at him, then down at his hand, "If you won’t listen to me, don't get mad if it gets infected or worse. And don't blame me for not taking care of you. I tried. You didn't want my help."

He grabbed my wrist again and pulled me back towards him, "Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that, Hongjoong," he paused and just looked at me for a second, "I guess my default reaction was to get defensive."

I sighed and got my wrist free to grab his hand, looking over the gashes in it, "It's alright, I guess just maybe don't get mad at me for trying to help you, idiot," I looked up at him for a second, then back at his hand, "You're lucky it's not that bad, It'll hurt like hell for a while since you were stupid enough to cut up the hand you use for everything, but yeah." I finished inspecting his hand and let go of him. I looked at him and smiled a bit before reaching up and brushing his hair back out of his face. Almost instantly, he pushed me away.

“Don’t do that,” he hissed, glaring at me.

“Do what? I was just fixing your hair. It’s not like I kissed you or some shit,” I rolled my eyes slightly, “Now can we go, It’s fucking flooding.” He stayed silent and started pacing back and forth again.

“You don’t get it and I’m not explaining this to you right now,” he said when he finally spoke. He picked his bag up off the concrete and walked past me to his car. “You can come with me or stand there like an idiot in the pouring rain, your choice. Either way, I’m going home.”

I nodded, grabbing my bag and following him, “are you gonna drop me off at my house or what?”

“No, I’m not gonna let you get killed and you know my parents don’t mind you being over,” he responded as we got to the car.

Again, I nodded and got in, “thank you.”

“Believe it or not, I’d prefer you alive. Hanging out with a corpse isn’t exactly fun.”

“You…have such an odd way of showing you care,” I laugh slightly, resting my head against the window as we drove off. It was a quiet ride at first. We didn’t speak, we didn’t even turn on any music. We only had the sound of rain against the windows and other cars driving past to accompany us.

“Hey Hongjoong,” he spoke, briefly looking over at me before diverting his attention back to the road, “I’m sorry for lashing out earlier.”

“It’s alright, you know it is,” I turned my attention to him and started to speak again but decide against it. The last thing I needed right now was to start another argument. Again, the ride fell silent, staying that way until we got to his house.

When we arrived, we made our way upstairs to his room and sat our things down. Almost immediately I got some things out of the first aid kid and made my way back to him. Carefully, I tended to the cuts on his hand, cleaning and bandaging it.

“Please keep it covered this time, Seonghwa. The pressure will help it hurt less when you move it,” I said after I finished up.

He sighed and rolled his eyes, “I still don't get why you insist on doing this. Why do you care so much?”

“Because I care about you and you’re a dumbass who won’t take care of yourself,” I laughed slightly and sat down next to him, “Now, please, keep it covered.”

“Fine, whatever,” he responded, laying back on the bed and either playing a game on his phone or texting someone. I couldn’t tell which. 

I got on my phone as well, putting in my earbuds, and listening to music. I’m not entirely sure how much time passed before anything else happened, though it was dark out now and the room was more shadowed than it was last I had checked.

“Hongjoong,” he spoke, “can we talk for a minute?”

I take out an earbud and look over at him, “yeah, but what about?” I questioned.

“I don’t know really, but I wanna talk. Kinda about what I said earlier but I’m also not really sure I wanna get into that at the same time.”

I nod and pause my music, putting my earbuds away, “well, I can’t make you talk about anything you don't want to. I’m here to listen though.”

“Well, it feels weird to have said the whole ‘what if I like boys’ thing and not say anything else. I don’t know how to explain that I know I like guys without bringing up stuff I don't wanna talk about though.”

“You know you don’t owe me an explanation, you know that. You’re still you no matter what and I find you pretty cool,” I smile slightly and nudge him, being met with a pillow to the face after. I hit him back, accidentally knocking him to the ground. The thud of him hitting the ground, made us both completely burst out laughing.

When we calmed down, I found myself staring at him. He was smiling and taking almost heaving breaths from laughing too hard. His face was red and his hair messy after everything that happened. He looked amazing. It’s always nice seeing his smile after something happens, it shows he’s okay and I want him to be okay.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” he spoke and got up off the floor, messing up my hair, “you want somethin’ to eat?”

I smile a little and look away, “Sorry but uh…yeah, please.”

“I assume the same thing as always? I’ll be back,” he smiled at me a little and made his way downstairs. 

After a few minutes, he comes back upstairs, a plate of chicken nuggets in each hand. He hands me a plate and sits down beside me before putting on a movie we started to watch the last time I was over. We ate and finished the movie without really speaking to each other.

Seonghwa rest his head on my shoulder and though I was surprised I didn’t say anything about it. It was nice honestly. He doesn’t show affection very often so when he does, I try to take in the moment and just let it happen. Just as quickly as he had done that, however, he moved sitting farther away from me.

“You okay?” I questioned

“Yeah, I don’t wanna get into my mind right now,” he answered coldly.

“Okay, I won’t ask then, but if you want or need to talk, you know I'm here,” I smiled slightly and ran my fingers through my hair.

“I know, I’m gonna take a shower.” He got up and walked over to his dresser, grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a tank top before walking out and leaving me alone in his room.

I got back on my phone, watching youtube while I waited for him to come back to the room. When he did he was in the sweatpants but didn’t have the tank top on. His ash hair was soaked and beads of water ran down his chest and stomach before catching on the waist of the pants and soaking in. He was muscular but not bulky, his abs were visible enough to draw my attention without looking unrealistic for someone like him. It was moments like this I would stop and remember part of the reason why I was attracted to him. His body, at least from what I’ve seen, is perfect. That may seem superficial but I can’t help but notice.