Stream Of Consciousness

Yes I know.

Iv been using them my whole life.

I understand why you have said that though.

The facial hair along with my masculine style of clothing does give off the impression that I am in the wrong place.

Plus we are in a night club. You might think I’m drunk and don’t realise where I am.

You are definitely worried I’m in here for less than honerable intentions.

I assume it is part of your job as a bathroom attendant.

But I didn’t cause any harm.

I put off coming in here until I was desperate because I don’t want this kind of confrontation.

I came in with a friend to try and signal that everything was ok.

I kept my head down and didn’t make eye contact with anyone to avoid making anyone scared or uncomfortable.

I did everything I could to not appear threatening.

I don’t take issue with you checking in with me about the situation because I understand it’s unusual to see someone like me in here.

Even if it does mean exposing private information about myself to a stranger. No one else has to pass a questionnaire to get in here but I’m understanding about that.

What I do take issue with, however, is even after being aware of my situation you still asked me to wait outside for my friend. Like I didn’t belong.

I don’t suppose you listened to what I actually said. You were probably concentrating on getting me to leave as quickly as possible.

I realise the bathroom is a safe place for women and I respect that. I don’t feel comfortable using the men’s for the same reasons.

I don’t feel completely comfortable in women’s bathrooms either if I am honest with you. I can’t just walk in like other women do without thinking about it. But it is the lesser of two evils.

I am not proposing the end of segregated bathrooms. They do serve a purpose there is no denying that. What is needed is a third option.

I would not be in here if a third gender neutral option existed.

If public places can create separate bathrooms for the disabled surely it wouldn’t take much to ask that places have three genders of toilets rather than two?

Who knows maybe one day that could be commonplace.

I don’t believe that the gender neutral space would be abused by cis or gender conforming people. It would probably make them just as uncomfortable as I and my fellow trans or non binary peers feel in gendered spaces.

Their hand touches my back and moves up onto my shoulder pulling me from my stuper. They know I have spiralled and need grounding. I give them a knowing half smile and tilt my head towards them and they return the action. Our foreheads touch, it means thanks, I love you, and they know it.

I open my eyes and they are gone.

It’s just my kitchen and my hard working bubbles.

Or have them be devistated that they are not in fact the person they thought they were in your eyes?

Either way their feelings are hurt and even though I don’t care about them as much as they think I do I’ still don’t want to hurt their feelings. I’m not that evil.

But it’s too much effort to be who they want me to be all the time nor is it fair for me to have to live like that and I can’t explain my behaviour without them finding out how I truly feel.

But something this time has got me wondering. Maybe it’s not that someone external is missing from my life. What if the reason I dont think i have those connections is that I’m just not capable of feeling the emotional bond I have with other people. At least not in the way I think it should be felt. Even with family, I care about their feelings but I’m not sure I feel the same way about them that I imagine others do about theirs. Could I be unable to feel the kind of loving bonds I imagine other people to have with their friends/family?

I bought a metal one rather than plastic and the blade wasn’t lined up probably so instead of just buying a new one like others would I found a screw driver and adjusted it.

You’ve been a real grumpy and depressing asshole lately and you can see it rubbing of on the people around you now.

Stop preaching your cinical world view with people who didn’t ask to hear it, it doesn’t and won’t ever achieve anything and you know it.

They happily go about their lives, unknowingly reinforcing it.

I have seen the bars but I can not escape.

Some chose only to focus on the positives (geez how often do we get told to do that!) but that’s not reality.

Some chose to focus and get passionate about the things they can change, and that’s fine, but it’s still only a distraction.

There’s a world crumbling just behind us

While we go on with the disractions we call our lives something always feels... missing.

But what if, for some reason, they can’t come true because you have already thought of them

What if instead of happening to you they happen to the you in an alternate time line

You’re not used to such strong emotions and you’ve had a big spike resently

More than the next person that’s for sure

You’re not as special as you think you are but doesn’t mean you’re not liked so just do what you want to do but don’t force it

Would you find it weird

It depends I guess

Yet we avoid them.

We cover up or don’t share negative emotions.

You have to do something you don’t want to lose it.

You’ve never been able to keep it going before so you’re probably going to fuck it up now too.

Its causing chest pains.

I think..

Thought about starting a blog a lot so now or never this is an emergency.